by S. E. Weir
Phina paused in her story, remembering the difficult journey through the cave and reaching the bubble that contained the life energy of the planet. She suppressed a shudder and finished relaying what they’d found with the machine and He-Who-Thinks. Phina looked down as she finished, bringing her knees up and wrapping her arms around them. “Unfortunately, before we got onboard our ship again, the yo-yo effect of going from space to planet to forcefield and back proved too much for my body to withstand. All I remember is collapsing in agony and wishing desperately for anything to make it stop.”
She closed her eyes as her body shook with remembering. She had fallen unconscious into a coma in part to escape from the pain.
Phina was certain of it.
Todd listened intently to a story that he would have found fanciful if he hadn't been committed to following Bethany Anne over the last thirty years. His Empress was a woman who had been called a vampire queen by some on Earth even though she didn't need to drink blood. During his time in the Empress’ inner circle, he had seen some crazy things and heard of many more.
While Phina had been sharing her story, he had been interested in the matter-of-fact way she spoke. He was intrigued by the way she held herself back from sharing the more emotional aspects of the story, unlike most people did when engaging people. The only way to glimpse a hint of it was to pay close attention to her eyes. He was also impressed with how she downplayed her role in events to make it sound like it was the team doing the work as a whole, although he suspected she played a much more prominent role. All in all, she was a complex, complicated woman who’d found herself in a twenty-year-old body when she still thought of herself as eighteen, and she had the mature attitude of an adult of many years due to her experiences.
Even now, as she remembered the pain that had precipitated her coma, he found himself admiring the way she struggled to shake it off and return to her more unaffected stance. He shifted, contemplating hugging her, but didn’t think they knew each other well enough for her to accept that. He settled on crouching and putting his hand on hers briefly.
When she looked up, surprised, he smiled reassuringly. “I won’t pretend to understand how bad it was or how you felt, but remember that it’s done and gone. It’s just a memory now. You are the one to decide how much power it has over you.”
Phina nodded, her eyes still wide. Still, the note of panic and fear he could see lessened. She gave him a shy shaky smile. “I’m sorry for freaking out on you.”
Todd gave her an easy smile. “Only natural with everything you just told me. I would have been more concerned if you didn’t have any reaction.”
She frowned as if that concept was strange. “Wouldn’t having less of a reaction mean that you are stronger and better able to handle it?”
He shook his head, struggling to keep his surprise and dismay from showing. What had everyone been teaching Phina that she would think a nonreaction was better? Or would this be an idea she had despite teaching? After observing Phina for a moment, he decided it was some of both, which concerned him.
“Not really. Think about it. Someone close to you dies. Is it better to show you are affected or unaffected? If you cared about that person, then whether you show everyone, or a few close people, or just yourself, you will have some aspect of being affected. Feeling grief, perhaps anger they are gone, shows you cared about that person and will miss them. That person touched your life, gave you something no one else did, and altered your life in a way it wouldn’t have been if you had never met them. Feeling and showing emotion lets you know how you are responding to life, which is valuable for yourself, as well as for those around you.”
Todd looked at her closely as he continued, “I’m guessing part of your training is to show you are untouched by the events around you, which can also be valuable when you are in the work you are part of. However, just because you can hide your emotion, even from yourself, doesn’t mean the emotion isn’t there. No matter how you mask or suppress it, that emotion is present inside you, waiting to be acknowledged. Sometimes ignoring that emotion can make a person sick, and sometimes it can cause problems with those you care about because they won’t understand.”
He tilted his head as he remained crouched next to her, his hands balanced on his knees. “Do you ever feel a weight inside or a knot of pressure?”
Phina had been still and quiet as she listened with her knees up and her arms wrapped around them, her green eyes watching him curiously and steadily. At his question, her eyes grew wider in surprise and alarm.
He saw the question in her eyes, how did he know? “This weight or pressure, I believe, is the emotion you suppress and try not to feel. It causes stress on a person’s mind and body. It can also cause you to feel depressed when you have nothing to be depressed about.”
He paused for a moment, then decided to share something more personal. “There was a time when I felt I shouldn’t show my emotions. I was married to my high school sweetheart. I thought we were in love and committed to each other, but when we were separated due to my life in the Marines, she cheated on me and eventually left. I thought I had to be strong, show that I could do it all and not reveal that I was confused, sad, angry, and in pain. To show those things was a weakness, I thought.”
“What changed?” She spoke quietly.
“I had a leader who pushed me and pushed me until all of that emotion came pouring out in the form of aggression. It drove me to become harder and faster than I had ever been before, but it also blinded me to the circumstances, and I nearly killed him.” He looked down at his hands, which he had used to pummel the man over and over. They had fisted tightly, so he consciously relaxed them before looking up into her eyes that had grown stark with understanding and compassion. “I thought I would get court-martialed, but he merely gave me a look and told me never to let my emotions control me like that again.”
Phina had a crease of puzzlement in her forehead, so he explained his leader’s reasoning. “What I had been doing by suppressing the emotion wasn’t me controlling my emotions, but allowing them to get so large that they were controlling me. It felt like control, but it was a false control, and they took over when I was pushed too hard.”
Understanding, concern, and frustration moved through her eyes, but he felt heartened to see Phina was thinking through the implications and what it meant for her.
“What did you do to change it so you were in control of your emotions?” she asked, an intensity shining from her that gave him an idea as to the inner strength she possessed.
Todd took a deep breath. “I let myself feel even when it was overwhelming. I identified my emotions and verbalized what they were and why I felt them. I made myself talk about them with a couple of close friends and people I cared about. That helped me to understand what decisions I needed to make. Not that I made decisions solely based on my emotions, but I was better able to identify the options that were distasteful and why, or why the ones that meant something to me were important.” He shrugged. “That’s why we have them, to show how we are responding to the life we are living and what’s around us, so why not use them for what they are made for?”
“Sounds easy when you put it that way.”
“No,” he answered dryly. “It wasn’t that simple or easy. Those are the cliff notes version.”
Phina had focused her gaze on a point somewhere in between them and looked up briefly with a small smile. He realized Phina was becoming overwhelmed again. Better to change the pace and let her process differently.
“So, what do you say we spar again now that you know what you are doing?” He gave her a small smile to let her know he was joking.
Todd was not prepared for the way her face lit up in a blinding grin.
Chapter Five
QBBS Meredith Reynolds, Training Room
Phina had never felt more alive. Her body could have been practically emaciated after a year and a half in a coma. On Earth, before Bethany Anne changed the world, her body
would have been. Yet, between the Pod-doc, the serum, and ADAM’s and the doctor’s fixes, her body was in the best shape it had ever been. She shied away from the oblique reminder that she needed to address her aunt and focused on sparring.
Todd and Phina had moved the exercise equipment off to the side and cleared the mat before getting ready to spar. Oddly, as she faced Todd to begin their session, she had a sense of familiarity. It added elements of both comfort and uneasiness to the mess of emotions inside her that Todd had rightly pointed out she had been suppressing.
At the moment, she couldn’t help it. She had spent too many years learning to suppress her emotions so they didn’t affect her. That part of her mind mulled it over and dissected the possibilities while they sparred went without saying.
No sooner had Phina begun to think Todd was waiting for something, he moved, She responded, slowly getting a measure of both his movements and abilities and her own. She didn’t let him get a punch, kick, or throw in, countering his movements with defensive measures. Occasionally, she returned with a punch, kick or throw of her own, which he blocked about as easily as she had.
Just as Phina was getting comfortable in the rhythm of the movement, it changed. Todd pushed harder, his kicks and punches more sudden and difficult to block, his throws becoming trickier to anticipate. However, she adjusted and set herself into the new rhythm, working to anticipate his next move.
“Phina, stop playing defense and come at me.” Todd grunted as he continued his attacks, aiming for her stomach, which she redirected. She shook her head as she stepped to the side and raised a leg to block a kick to her knee. She could see that her refusal sparked something inside the man, but she couldn’t observe closely enough to tell if it was anger, determination, or something else in her focus on countering his movements. “Phina, what happened to the acrobatics, the playfulness, the fire?”
“I don’t want to hurt you!”
At Phina’s admission, Todd stopped moving and remained motionless during one of the few times she had thrown a punch at him, this time in the throat. Her mind froze, her eyes flying open as she realized she may not be able to stop in time. Her reflexes kicked in, and she stopped with her fist less than an inch from his throat.
She stood staring at him with shock, her breathing heavy. Her brain caught up. “What the fudging hell was that? I could have killed you!”
Todd smiled, his gaze unwavering. “I trust you, Phina.”
Phina blinked, and an odd sensation moved through her before he continued.
“Do you see that you don’t need to worry about hurting me? I will tell you if something you do is too much, but I trust you to stop before there’s a serious concern.”
She continued to stare at him for a moment before dropping her hand and stepping back. “What if you’re wrong and I do hurt you?”
He grinned, which eased his strong features and gave him a light in his eyes that proved to be rather endearing. “That’s what the Pod-doc is for, right?”
Phina didn’t smile, but her mouth twitched in amusement. Finally, she nodded and settled into her ready stance. “Let’s hope you are right.”
She closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath to calm herself and quiet the fears. Todd was right. These emotions weren't going to go away.
When Phina opened her eyes, she had seconds before Todd came at her with a combination of attacks faster than before. She had no time to think, no time to plan; she had to sink into her awareness, trust her training and her body, and move.
Left fist, right fist, jump his leg sweep, block, strike, reach for a grab, block his kick, push him back with her feet as she sprang into a flip, then a leg sweep of her own before pushing off into a kick with a turn, and she was standing again. It took several more movements for her to realize she had a grin on her face and almost certainly a light in her eyes that showed she was loving it.
For the first time since Phina had developed her powers, she felt free.
Todd settled himself in for a fight after provoking Phina into realizing she was afraid to trust herself because she didn't want to hurt him. She had fought well before, but her movements had been so controlled they were rigid and lacking the fire and passion he had seen in her when they had sparred two and a half years ago.
Untrained, unfamiliar with combat, and afraid of…something he had later deduced was fear of getting caught, Phina had displayed intelligence, passion, and the ability to think outside the box as she kept out of his reach and used her skills and strength to surprise him.
Seeing her movements so rigid and controlled had practically hurt.
Now that Phina had awakened to her abilities, he had hoped she would show him more of the skills and passion he knew she possessed. She did all that and more.
Phina blazed.
Todd often sparred with his best friend and counterpart, Guardian Commander Peter Silvers. Peter’s hits were methodical, carefully placed, and powerful.
Most people didn't fight him often enough to understand how controlled the man fought. Rarely did he let himself off the leash he placed on himself. The two friends challenged each other and made each other better fighters.
Fighting the Bitches, Bethany Anne’s elite bodyguards and super soldiers, often felt like fighting a waterfall. Todd could gain some ground if he was at his best, but eventually, he had to concede defeat. John Grimes and Gabrielle, their leader when Bethany Anne wasn't around, even more so. He felt swept away and couldn't recover.
Sparring with Bethany Anne, the Queen Bitch and Empress of the Etheric Empire was comparable to being hit by a hurricane. If she thought someone needed to die, likely because of disrespect or attempting to kill her people, she would destroy them completely.
Thankfully, Bethany Anne liked him and wanted to help him get better. It still felt like being destroyed, but then she helped him rebuild stronger and better than before. In the meantime, he felt pain. Lots of pain.
Fighting Phina proved to be like none of these. Instead of the more methodical straightforward method of Peter, she kept him off balance with the opposite, often anticipating his moves. Rather than being swept away like with the Bitches, she danced and included him in the steps but came from random directions and used various fighting styles. Instead of destroying him like Bethany Anne usually did, she dismantled him, piece by piece, figuring out his fighting style and what made him tick before using that knowledge against him.
She glowed as her knowledge and practice, combined with her abilities and skills came together in perfect unison. The grin on Phina’s face as she fought completed the picture.
He dodged, blocked, then failed to block the next attack, taking a bruise, but he didn’t stop. Phina hadn’t hit him with anything harder than a bruising force, which had everything to do with Phina’s control over her own body and energy and not a lack of ability.
Phina feinted, struck, caught him in a throw which he barely slipped out of, blocked, another feint…nope, that was an attack. As he responded, she slid underneath his reach and popped up on his side, where she hit him with an open palm to throw him off balance before sweeping his leg. Only his training kept him in the game when his brain struggled to keep up. He pushed himself up in time to see Phina launch herself at him. Her legs locked around his neck, and she pulled him back.
The momentum flipped him over her body, but rather than letting go, she flipped with him and landed sitting on his chest, pinning his arms with her forearm at his neck. Her bright grin matched his own as she laughed. It took him a moment to realize that although he had difficulty keeping up once she got going, that was the most fun he had sparring in quite a while.
Todd had just gotten over the surprise of Phina landing on his chest and begun to realize how close she was to him when a loud female voice sounded from the doorway.
“Phina!”
Phina’s head jerked up from where she had Todd pinned. Her happiness at being able to feel like her body and mind were working perfectly togeth
er dissipated like the air in a popped balloon. Alina and Maxim stood in the doorway, looking at her with mixed expressions of relief and hurt.
Guilt at the realization that she hadn’t sent Alina a message letting her know she was okay caused her to scramble off Todd. A flush rose on her neck and cheeks as she realized how close they had been.
“Alina! Maxim!”
Alina rushed over to throw her arms around Phina, with Maxim a beat behind. She felt enclosed and crowded but mostly warmed that they cared about her. “Why didn’t you come to me first to tell me you were okay?”
“I…”
Phina felt a large hand briefly touch her back. Todd had gotten off the floor and was headed for the door. Remembering how happy she felt to mesh her mind and body while fighting and how Todd had helped her and listened to her earlier caused her to reach out to him mentally without thinking. Thank you.
Feeling Todd’s surprise as well as her own that she could connect to him that way, she shut her mental senses down hard, cursing herself internally. Great, now he would look at her like she was a freak the next time she saw him. Which could be another two years from now. Her frustration caused her to be incautious as she burst out to Alina as she pulled from them both. “I tried! Alina, you were one of the first thoughts I had, but when I reached out to you, you were…”
Phina belatedly realized what she was saying and clamped her mouth shut. She turned away to calm down. Alina and Maxim turned to look at each other with confused but wondering expressions. She crossed her arms and closed her eyes, wondering why life couldn’t come with do-overs.
