All Flesh Is Grass and Other Stories

by Clifford D. Simak

  And he wondered, too, what Pug did with the cigars that he sent him in exchange for the little boxes of leaf — eat them, smoke them, smell them, roll in them or rub them in his hair? If he had hair, of course.

  He shook his head and closed the door and went out into the hall, being doubly sure that his door was locked behind him. He would not put it past his neighbors, especially the Widow Foshay, to sneak in behind his back.

  The hall was empty and he was glad of that. He rang almost stealthily for the elevator, hoping that his luck would hold.

  It didn't.

  Down the hall came the neighbor from next door. He was the loud and flashy kind, and without any encouragement at all, he'd slap one on the back.

  "Good morning, Clyde!" he bellowed happily from afar.

  "Good morning, Mr. Morton," Packer replied, somewhat icily. Morton had no right to call him Clyde. No one ever called him Clyde, except sometimes his nephew, Anton Camper, called him Uncle Clyde, although he mostly called him Unk. And Tony, Packer reminded himself, was a worthless piece — always involved in some fancy scheme, always talking big, but without much to show for it. And besides, Tony was crooked — as crooked as a cat.

  Like myself, Packer thought, exactly like myself. Not like the most of the rest of them these days, who measured to no more than just loud-talking boobies.

  • In my day-, he told himself with fond remembrance, — I could have skinned them all and they'd never know it until I twitched their hides slick off-.

  "How is the stamp business this morning?" yelled Morton, coming up and clapping Packer soundly on the back.

  "I must remind you, Mr. Morton, that I am not in the stamp business," Packer told him sharply. "I am interested in stamps and I find it most absorbing and I could highly recommend it —»

  "But that is not what I meant," explained Morton, rather taken aback "I didn't mean you dealt in stamps…"

  "As a matter of fact, I do," said Packer, "to a limited extent. But not as a regular thing and certainly not as a regular business. There are certain other collectors who are aware of my connections and sometimes seek me out —»

  "That's the stuff!" boomed Morton, walloping him on the back again in sheer good fellowship. "If you have the right connections, you get along okay. That works in any line. Now, take mine, for instance…"

  The elevator arrived and rescued Packer.

  In the lobby, he headed for the desk.

  "Good morning, Mr. Packer," said the clerk, handing him some letters. "There is a bag for you and it runs slightly heavy. Do you want me to get someone to help you with it?"

  "No, thank you," Packer said. "I am sure that I can manage."

  The clerk hoisted the bag atop the counter and Packer seized it and let it fall to the floor. It was fairly large — it weighed, he judged, thirty pounds or so — and the shipping tag, he saw with a thrill of anticipation, was almost covered with stamps of such high denominations they quite took his breath away.

  He looked at the tag and saw that his name and address were printed with painful precision, as if the Earthian alphabet was something entirely incomprehensible to the sender. The return address was a mere jumble of dots and hooks and dashes that made no sense, but seemed somewhat familiar, although Packer at the moment was unable to tell exactly what they were. The stamps, he saw, were Iota Cancri, and he had seen stamps such as them only once before in his entire life. He stood there, mentally calculating what their worth might be.

  He tucked the letters under his arm and picked up the bag. It was heavier than he had expected and he wished momentarily that he had allowed the clerk to find someone to carry it for him. But he had said that he would carry it and he couldn't very well go back and say he'd rather not. After all, he assured himself, he wasn't quite that old and feeble yet.

  He reached the elevator and let the bag down and stood facing the grillwork, waiting for the cage.

  A birdlike voice sounded from behind him and he shivered at it, for he recognized the voice — it was the Widow Foshay.

  "Why, Mr. Packer," said the Widow, gushingly, "how pleasant to find you waiting here."

  He turned around. There was nothing else for it; he couldn't just stand there, with his back to her.

  "And so loaded down!" the Widow sympathized. "Here, do let me help you."

  She snatched the letters from him.

  "There," she said triumphantly, "poor man; I can carry these."

  He could willingly have choked her, but he smiled instead. It was a somewhat strained and rather ghastly smile, but he did the best he could.

  "How lucky for me," he told her, "that you came along. I'd never have made it."

  The veiled rebuke was lost on her. She kept on bubbling at him.

  "I'm going to make beef broth for lunch," she said, "and I always make too much. Could I ask you in to share it?"

  "Impossible," he told her in alarm. "I am very sorry, but this is my busy day. I have all these, you see." And he motioned at the mail she held and the bag he clutched. He whuffled through his whiskers at her like an irate walrus, but she took no notice.

  "How exciting and romantic it must be," she gushed, "getting all these letters and bags and packages from all over the galaxy. From such strange places and from so far away. Some day you must explain to me about stamp collecting."

  "Madam," he said a bit stiffly, "I've worked with stamps for more than twenty years and I'm just barely beginning to gain an understanding of what it is all about. I would not presume to explain to someone else."

  She kept on bubbling.

  • Damn it all-, he thought, — is there no way to quiet the blasted woman?-

  Prying old biddy, he told himself, once again whuffling his whiskers at her. She'd spend the next three days running all about and telling everyone in the entire building about her strange encounter with him and what a strange old coot he was. "Getting all those letters from all those alien places," she would say, "and bags and packages as well. You can't tell me that stamps are the only things in which he's interested. There is more to it than that; you can bet your bottom dollar on it."

  At his door she reluctantly gave him back his letters.

  "You won't reconsider on that broth?" she asked him, "It's more than just ordinary broth. I pride myself on it. A special recipe."

  "I'm sorry," he said.

  He unlocked his door and started to open it. She remained standing there.

  "I'd like to invite you in," he told her, lying like a gentleman, "but I simply can't. The place is a bit upset."

  Upset was somewhat of an understatement.

  Safely inside, he threaded his way among piles of albums, boxes, bags and storage cases scattered everywhere.

  He finally reached the desk and dropped the bag beside it. He leafed through the letters and one was from Dahib and another was from the Lyraen system and the third from Muphrid, while the remaining one was an advertisement from a concern out on Mars.

  He sat down in the massive, upholstered chair behind his desk and surveyed the room.

  Someday he'd have to get it straightened out, he told himself. Undoubtedly there was a lot of junk he could simply throw away and the rest of it should be boxed and labeled so that he could lay his hands upon it. It might be, as well, a good idea to make out a general inventory sheet so that he'd have some idea what he had and what it might be worth.

  Although, he thought, the value of it was not of so great a moment.

  He probably should specialize, he thought. That was what most collectors did. The galaxy was much too big to try to collect it all. Even back a couple of thousand years ago when all the collectors had to worry about were the stamps of Earth, the field even then had become so large and so unwieldy and so scattered that specialization had become the thing.

  But what would a man specialize in, if he should decide to restrict his interest? Perhaps just the stamps from one particular planet or one specific system? Perhaps only stamps from beyond a certain distance — sa
y, five hundred light-years? Or covers, perhaps? A collection of covers with postmarks and cancellations showing the varying intricacies of letter communication throughout the depths of space, from star to star, could be quite interesting.

  And that was the trouble with it — it all was so interesting. A man could spend three full lifetimes at it and still not reach the end of it,

  In twenty years, he told himself, a man could amass a lot of material if he applied himself. And he had applied himself; he had worked hard at it and enjoyed every minute of it, and had become in certain areas, he thought with pride, somewhat of an expert. On occasion he had written articles for the philatelic press, and scarcely a week went by that some man well-known in the field did not drop by for a chat or to seek his aid in a knotty problem.

  There was a lot of satisfaction to be found in stamps, he told himself with apologetic smugness. Yes, sir, a great deal of satisfaction.

  But the mere collection of material was only one small part of it — a sort of starting point. Greater than all the other facets of it were the contacts that one made. For one had to make contacts — especially out in the farther reaches of the galaxy. Unless one wanted to rely upon the sorry performance of the rascally dealers, who offered only what was easy to obtain, one must establish contacts. Contacts with other collectors who might be willing to trade stamps with one; contacts with lonely men in lonely outposts far out on the rim, where the really exotic material was most likely to turn up, and who would be willing to watch for it and save it and send it on to one at a realistic price; with far-out institutions that made up mixtures and job lots in an attempt to eke out a miserly budget voted by the home communities.

  There was a man by the name of Marsh out in the Coonskin system who wanted no more than the latest music tapes from Earth for the material that he sent along. And the valiant priest at the missionary station on barren Agustron who wanted old tobacco tins and empty bottles which, for a most peculiar reason, had high value on that topsy-turvy world. And among the many others, Earthmen and aliens alike, there was always PugAlNash.

  Packer rolled the wad of leaf across his tongue, sucking out the last faded dregs of its tantalizing flavor.

  If a man could make a deal for a good-sized shipment of the leaf, he thought, he could make a fortune on it. Packaged in small units, like packs of gum, it would go like hot cakes here on Earth. He had tried to bring up the subject with Pug, but had done no more than confuse and perplex the good Unukian who, for some unfathomable reason, could not conceive of any commerce that went beyond the confines of simple barter to meet the personal needs of the bargaining individuals.

  The doorbell chimed and Packer went to answer it.

  It was Tony Camper.

  "Hi, Uncle Clyde," said Tony breezily.

  Packer held the door open grudgingly.

  "Since you are here," he said, "you might as well come in."

  Tony stepped in and tilted his hat back on his head. He looked the apartment over with an appraising eye.

  "Some day, Unk," he said, "you should get this place shoveled out. I don't see how you stand it."

  "I manage it quite well," Packer informed him tartly. "Some day I'll get around to straightening up a bit."

  "I should hope you do," said Tony.

  "My boy," said Packer, with a trace of pride, "I think that I can say, without fear of contradiction, that I have one of the finest collections of out-star stamps that anyone can boast. Some day, when I get them all in albums —»

  "You'll never make it, Unk. It'll just keep piling up. It comes in faster than you can sort it out."

  He reached out a foot and nudged the bag beside the desk.

  "Like this," he said. "This is a new one, isn't it?"

  "It just came in," admitted Packer. "Haven't gotten around as yet to figuring out exactly where it's from."

  "Well, that is fine," said Tony. "Keep on having fun. You'll outlive us all."

  "Sure I will," said Packer testily. "What is it that you want?"

  "Not a thing, Unk. Just dropped in to say hello and to remind you you're coming up to Hudson's to spend the weekend with us. Ann insisted that I drop around and nudge you. The kids have been counting the days —»

  "I would have remembered it," lied Packer, who had quite forgotten it.

  "I could drop around and pick you up. Three this afternoon?"

  "No, Tony, don't bother. I'll catch a stratocab. I couldn't leave that early. I have things to do."

  "I bet you have," said Tony.

  He moved toward the door.

  "You won't forget," he cautioned.

  "No, of course I won't," snapped Packer.

  "Ann would be plenty sore if you did. She's fixing everything you like."

  Packer grunted at him.

  "Dinner at seven," said Tony cheerfully.

  "Sure, Tony. I'll be there."

  "See you, Unk," said Tony, and was gone. -Young whippersnapper-, Packer told himself. -Wonder what he's up to now. Always got a new deal cooking, never quite making out on it. Just keeps scraping along.-

  He stumped back to the desk.

  • Figures he'll be getting my money when I die-, he thought. -The little that I have. Well, I'll fool him. I'll spend every cent of it. I'll manage to live long enough for that.-

  He sat down and picked up one of the letters, slit it open with his pocketknife and dumped out its contents on the one small bare spot on the desk in front of him,

  He snapped on the desk lamp and pulled it close. He bent above the stamps.

  Pretty fair lot, he thought. That one there from Rho Geminorum XII, or was it XVI, was a fine example of the modern classic — designed with delicacy and imagination, engraved with loving care and exactitude, laid on paper of the highest quality, printed with the highest technical precision.

  He hunted for his stamp tongs and failed to find them. He opened the desk drawer and rummaged through the tangled rat's nest be found inside it. He got down on his hands and knees and searched beneath the desk.

  He didn't find the tongs.

  He got back, puffing, into his chair, and sat there angrily.

  • Always losing tongs-, he thought. -I bet this is the twentieth pair I've lost. Just can't keep track of them, damn "em!-

  The door chimed.

  "Well, come on in!" Packer yelled in wrath.

  A mouse-like little man came in and closed the door gently behind him. He stood timidly just inside, twirling his hat between his hands.

  "You Mr. Packer, sir?"

  "Yes, sure I am," yelled Packer. "Who did you expect to find here?"

  "Well, sir," said the man, advancing a few careful steps into the room, "I am Jason Pickering. You may have heard of me."

  "Pickering?" said Packer. "Pickering? Oh, sure, I've heard of you. You're the one who specializes in Polaris."

  "That is right," admitted Pickering, mincing just a little. "I am gratified that you —»

  "Not at all," said Packer, getting up to shake his hand. "I'm the one who's honored."

  He bent and swept two albums and three shoe boxes off a chair. One of the shoe boxes tipped over and a mound of stamps poured out

  "Please have a chair, Mr. Pickering," Packer said majestically.

  Pickering, his eyes popping slightly, sat down gingerly on the edge of the swept-clean chair.

  "My, my," he said, his eyes taking in the litter that filled the apartment, "you seem to have a lot of stuff here. Undoubtedly, however, you can lay your hands on anything you want."

  "Not a chance," said Packer, sitting down again. "I have no idea whatsoever what I have."

  Pickering tittered. "Then, sir, you may well be in for some wonderful surprises."

  "I'm never surprised at anything," said Packer loftily.

  "Well, on to business," said Pickering. "I do not mean to waste your time. I was wondering if it were possible you might have Polaris 17b on cover. It's quite an elusive number, even off cover, and I know of not a single instance o
f one that's tied to cover. But someone was telling me that perhaps you might have one tucked away."

  "Let me see, now," said Packer. He leaned back in his chair and leafed catalogue pages rapidly through his mind. And suddenly he had it — Polaris 17b — a tiny stamp, almost a midget stamp, bright blue with a tiny crimson dot in the lower left-hand corner and its design a mass of lacy scrollwork.

  "Yes," he said, opening his eyes, "I believe I may have one. I seem to remember, years ago…"

  Pickering leaned forward, hardly breathing.

  "You mean you actually…"

  "I'm sure it's here somewhere," said Packer, waving his hand vaguely at the room.

  "If you find it," offered Pickering, "I'll pay ten thousand for it."

  "A strip of five," said Packer, "as I remember it. Out of Polaris VII to Betelgeuse XIII by way of — I don't seem to remember by way of where."

  "A strip of five!"

  "As I remember it. I might be mistaken."

  "Fifty thousand," said Pickering, practically frothing at the mouth. "Fifty thousand, if you find it."

  Packer yawned. "For only fifty thousand, Mr. Pickering, I wouldn't even look."

  "A hundred, then."

  "I might think about it."

  "You'll start looking right away? You must have some idea."

  "Mr. Pickering, it has taken me all of twenty years to pile up all the litter that you see and my memory's not too good. I'd have not the slightest notion where to start."

  "Set your price," urged Pickering. "What do you want for it?"

  "If I find it," said Packer, "I might consider a quarter million. That is, if I find it."

  "You'll look?"

  "I'm not sure. Some day I might stumble on it. Some day I'll have to clean up the place. I'll keep an eye out for it."

  Pickering stood up stiffly.

  "You jest with me," he said.

  Packer waved a feeble hand, "I never jest," he said.

  Pickering moved toward the door.

  Packer heaved himself from the chair. "I'll let you out," he said.