Toad Away

by Morris Gleitzman

  “But she didn't find us,” said Limpy.

  “That's because,” said the ancient human, “after I sent her, you left to come here.”

  “So where is she now?” said Limpy.

  “Give me a moment,” said the ancient human.

  He took a very deep breath and closed his eyes. And stayed that way for what seemed to Limpy like much longer than a moment.

  “I think he's asleep,” said Goliath. “Shall I tickle his foot with a bit of mucus?”

  Limpy shook his head. “Raoul reckons this bloke can see everything in the forest,” he whispered.“Without leaving his hut.”

  Many more moments passed.

  Limpy was getting concerned.

  The ancient human didn't seem to be breathing.

  What if the effort of trying to see everything in the forest had been too much for him?

  What if he'd died?

  Not only would Charm never be found, but the humans might blame Limpy and Goliath for over-stressing their wise ancient leader and a war might break out between the forest humans and the forest toads for the first time since time began.

  The ancient human opened his eyes.

  “Your sister is safe and well,” he said. “I'll draw you a map.”

  He started drawing in the dust at his feet.

  “Thank you,” said Limpy, weak with relief. “Thank you so much. How can I ever repay you?”

  “Well,” said the ancient human, “you could do a pee in that pot.”

  He pointed to a pot similar to the ones the women outside had been carrying.

  Limpy was confused.

  “Are you sure?” he said to the ancient human. “Isn't that a drinking-water pot?”

  “Yes,” said the ancient human. “That's why I'd be grateful if you could pee in it.”

  Limpy looked at Goliath.

  Perhaps the strain of locating Charm had been too much for the ancient human's brain.

  “I'll do it,” said Goliath, hopping up onto the rim of the pot.

  “Actually,” said the ancient human, “just your cousin, if that's OK.”

  Goliath looked hurt.

  Limpy shrugged.

  If that's what the ancient human wanted, fair enough. He'd been very kind to them, so it seemed ungrateful to argue.

  All Limpy could think about as he peed into the pot was finding Charm.

  The ancient human's map was spot on.

  Limpy and Goliath followed the path to the frangipani bush he'd described, turned left, were chased all the way to the giant fungus by a hungry crab, turned right, found the tree with the orange moss growing on it, turned right again, followed the slime trail of a giant slug who tried to suck their eyes out, took the left fork at the bat skull, meandered through the forest while Goliath went after a flying beetle for lunch and then spat it out when it tried to eat his tongue, turned left again at a big rubber tree, where Goliath filled his mouth to bursting with Amazon bubblegum, hopped for ages keeping an eye out for bloodsucking bats, and suddenly there she was, standing on the riverbank next to where Limpy had dug the grave for her necklace.

  Charm.

  Limpy was about to yell her name and rush over and fling his arms around her when he saw something that hadn't been on the ancient human's map.

  Flatface, standing close to Charm, speaking to her in a very unpleasant voice.

  “Call yourself a toad?” he was saying. “I've seen bigger pimples on a monkey's bum.”

  “Go away,” said Charm.

  “You're the most pathetic little runt I've ever seen,” jeered Flatface. “I bet boys run a mile when they see you. They probably think you're a toenail that's fallen off a sloth.”

  “I'm not listening,” said Charm.

  “What?” said Flatface.“Don't you like me calling you names? You'd better spray me then, hadn't you? Come on, midget-features, squirt me with your poison. Squirt me, squirt me, squirt me, I dare you.”

  Flatface started dancing around Charm, poking his tongue out at her.

  As Limpy hurried closer, he saw to his horror that Flatface had the leaf parcel. He was holding it up so that if Charm squirted him, she'd hit the parcel and give Flatface the missing ingredient he was desperate for.

  Limpy was about to yell to Charm not to fire, but before he could, she started squirting.

  Not at Flatface, though. Charm aimed her ribbons of poison out over the river, where they fell harmlessly into the water.

  Flatface was as stunned by this as Limpy.

  He stared at the watery ripples, then his face crumpled.

  “This is hopeless,” he wailed. “I give up.”

  He threw the leaf parcel onto the ground, turned, and stamped dejectedly away.

  Limpy rushed over to Charm.

  “Are you OK?” he said.

  She stared at him, eyes widening with relief and joy.

  “Limpy, Goliath, thank swamp,” she said. “When I heard you were here I panicked. I thought I'd never find you.”

  “We came to rescue you,” said Goliath.

  Limpy saw Charm frown and open her mouth to tell them both that she didn't need to be rescued, then her face softened and she gave them a big hug instead.

  Limpy glowed with love for her.

  He remembered the horrible things Flatface had called her.

  “Flatface didn't mean those things,” Limpy whispered to Charm. “He just wanted your poison pus for his war plans.”

  Charm thought about this.

  “I reckoned the poor bloke was just crotchety because of what the humans did to his head,” she said.

  “I'd be pretty ratty if I had a face that shape. Didn't seem fair to squirt him. But he was getting on my nerves so I thought I'd better empty my poison sacs before I got tempted to let him have it.”

  Limpy gazed at Charm. He'd never felt prouder to have her as a sister.

  Goliath was staring at Charm in disbelief.

  “So you ditched your ammo in the river?” he said.

  “That's right,” said Limpy, giving Goliath a stern look. “I think that makes Charm a war hero.”

  Charm looked thoughtful.

  “I've been watching the creatures around here,” she said. “How they do awful things to each other all the time. And do you know what I've realized? They can't help it. No matter what they want, food, self-defense, a bigger backyard, they use violence. Their world's a jungle. Snakes, spiders, bloodsucking bats, killer wasps, humans, they're all the same. Only cane toads are different, because we can choose not to be violent.”

  Limpy's warts tingled with pride as he looked at his dear, clever sister.

  “Is that ancient wisdom?” he asked.

  “No,” said Charm. “I only realized it this morning.”

  “Yeah, well tomorrow morning,” said Goliath, “you'll realize it's wombat poo. What if cane toads want to be violent?”

  Before Charm could reply, Limpy heard a desperate croak in the distance. The croak of a cane toad in distress.

  Limpy spun round.

  Through the trees he could see Flatface struggling in a net. The net was in the hands of a human.

  Limpy peered harder. He recognized the human. It was the pilot from the small plane they'd arrived on.

  As the pilot carried the net further into the forest, Flatface's cries were getting fainter.

  “Help me. Somebody help me, please.”

  “Come on,” said Limpy to Charm and Goliath. “He mightn't be the nicest bloke around, but we can't just let him be kidnapped.”

  They set off after the human.

  By the time Limpy, Goliath, and Charm caught up with the human, he was loading Flatface into the small plane.

  “Oh, no,” said Charm. “This isn't going to be easy.”

  Limpy saw what she meant. Flatface was already in a cage.

  “Come on,” said Limpy. “We've got to try.”

  They hopped across the dry grass of the landing strip. Limpy was used to being the slowest because of
his crook leg, but for some reason today Goliath was lagging behind. Limpy could hear him puffing and wheezing.

  Limpy glanced over his shoulder and saw why.

  Goliath's mouth was bulging with a huge amount of Amazon bubblegum.

  Before Limpy could suggest Goliath ditch some of his load, they reached the plane. Limpy pulled the others into the shadow of the fuselage, well away from the pilot, who was tinkering with one of the engines.

  The cargo door was still open. Limpy peered in and what he saw made him forget bubblegum completely.

  The plane was full of wooden cages, each one with a cane toad in it.

  “Stack me,” croaked Limpy.

  “It's a mass kidnapping,” said Charm.

  “This,” muttered Goliath, “is war.”

  The caged toads saw Limpy and Goliath and Charm and started croaking for help. Until they were silenced by a familiar voice.

  “Be quiet, everyone. Do you want our friends to be captured as well?”

  Limpy saw it was Raoul, gripping the bars of his cage, head bruised and warts bleeding.

  “We've got to move fast,” said Limpy to Goliath and Charm. “We've got to get them out before the plane takes off.”

  Luckily there were rivets on the side of the plane, and rust, which gave Limpy and the others something to grip with their toes and fingers. They clambered into the plane.

  Limpy saw that the cages were held shut with twisted pieces of wire.

  He grabbed a spanner from an open toolbox and tried to pry the twist of wire off Raoul's cage door. It was no good, he wasn't strong enough.

  “Let me,” said Goliath. “I've straightened out lizard's intestines that are tougher than this.”

  Goliath jammed the spanner behind the wire and pulled until his eyeballs and warts bulged.

  Suddenly the wire gave and the cage door swung open.

  Raoul stepped out and embraced Goliath.

  “Our ancient legends tell of a hero,” said Raoul. “A hero who will one day come from afar to save us. Now I know he has arrived.”

  Goliath blushed. “Don't forget Limpy and Charm,” he said. “They're my assistants.”

  Limpy was about to suggest that they get to work on all the other cages, but before he could the whole plane started vibrating.

  “It's the engines!” yelled Charm from the doorway. Limpy could hear the roar getting louder.

  “Quick!” he yelled. “Let's get these other cages open!”

  They grabbed more tools and worked on three more cages, Charm and Limpy using a spanner together. But before they could get them open, the plane lurched forward and they were flung back in a heap.

  “The plane's taking off,” said Charm after she'd moved Goliath's knee out of her mouth. “It's too late.”

  “The pilot's left the cargo door open,” said Goliath.“Why's he taking off with the door open?”

  “Probably so we don't suffocate,” said Raoul.“Wherever he's taking us, they want us alive.”

  All the cane toads fell silent. Limpy could see they were each imagining what kind of awful place that might be.

  Then Limpy had an idea.

  “Goliath,” he said. “Spit out your bubblegum.”

  Goliath stopped chewing and glared at Limpy. “All our lives are in danger,” he said, “and you're worried about a bit of bubblegum?”

  “Spit it out and give it to me,” said Limpy. “I've thought of a way to get our friends back on the ground.”

  Raoul stood in the doorway of the plane, wind whipping across his noble face. He embraced Goliath, then Charm, then Limpy.

  “You are all heroes,” he said. “May you fulfill your quest and live long and happy lives.”

  “Thanks,” said Goliath. “Hope the scabs heal.”

  Raoul gave the bubblegum in his mouth a final chew, then jumped.

  Limpy peered anxiously down at Raoul's plummeting figure. He hoped Goliath's bubble-blowing lesson had been clear enough. And that Raoul had enough gum in his mouth.

  Suddenly a large bubble erupted over Raoul's head and his plummet slowed to a float.

  “It's working,” said Charm, gazing down, amazed and delighted.

  The other cane toads, all crowding around the doorway and all chewing enthusiastically, broke into applause.

  “I told you dividing my mouthful of bubblegum among this lot would give them enough each,” said Goliath. “I've got a big mouth.”

  Limpy didn't argue with that.

  Now that Raoul had showed that Limpy's idea would work, all the other cane toads clamored to be next.

  “Form a line, troops,” ordered Goliath.“No pushing, and that's an order.”

  One by one the other cane toads jumped and floated down toward the forest, each under a big rubbery bubble.

  “I hope they survive the biting ants at the top of the trees,” said Limpy.

  “No worries,” said Goliath. “We did, and we're not even locals.”

  The last to jump was Flatface.

  Just before he did, he turned to Limpy.

  “Bulldozers don't understand what peace is,” said Flatface. “To make them listen, you'll need something stronger than friendship.”

  Limpy didn't know what to say.

  Flatface turned to Charm. “Sorry I called you all those names,” he said. “Actually, you're quite good-looking.”

  Limpy could see Charm didn't know what to say either.

  Goliath stepped forward. “Limpy's mum reckons I'm quite good-looking too,” he said. “When I don't dribble.”

  Flatface jumped.

  “Our turn,” said Goliath, looking around for the last bits of bubblegum.

  Limpy and Charm glanced at each other. They'd been dreading breaking this next bit of news to Goliath.

  “Sorry, Goliath,” said Limpy. “I'm afraid there's none left for us.”

  He put his arm round Goliath's big middle and waited for his cousin's anger to turn to tears, which it usually did when all their lives were in danger.

  While Limpy was waiting, Charm tapped him urgently on the shoulder.

  “Limpy,” she whispered. “Does this plane have automatic pilot?”

  Limpy remembered that a pelican had explained to him once about automatic pilot. It was what pelicans used when they were filleting a salmon in midflight.

  “I don't know,” said Limpy. “Why?”

  “Well,” said Charm, her voice wobbling. “I was just wondering which was going to happen first. Us being captured or us crashing.”

  Limpy looked up.

  The pilot, surrounded by empty cages, was glaring down at them, furious.

  “I think being captured,” said Limpy as the pilot picked all three of them up, flung them into the toolbox, and slammed the lid.

  The plane didn't crash.

  “Must have automatic pilot,” whispered Limpy in the dark.

  “This toolbox smells,” said Goliath. “And these washers taste stale.”

  “Limpy,” whispered Charm. “Where do you think this plane's going?”

  “Don't know,” said Limpy.

  He hoped it was Los Angeles, because at least they could get a plane back to Australia from there. Except the pilot hadn't looked like he wanted to help them get home.

  Limpy reached out in the darkness and gave Charm a hug.

  He didn't know what else to say. He also didn't know what to say if Charm asked him about the ancient secret.

  How can I tell her? thought Limpy miserably. We've traveled all this way. We've been through so much. How can I tell Charm that I forgot to ask the ancient human the secret of living in peace with other humans?

  OK, he'd had an excuse. He'd been overwhelmed at discovering Charm was alive. He'd been desperate to find her. But he'd still forgotten to ask.

  How could I? thought Limpy. How could I forget the whole point of our quest?

  He didn't have an answer, so he sat in silence. For a long time he heard nothing but the distant hum of the engines.


  Then a long groan echoed around the toolbox.“Are you two OK?” asked Limpy, anxious that Charm or Goliath might be ill.

  “It's Goliath,” said Charm. “I think those washers he ate are disagreeing with him.”

  Goliath gave another groan. “It's not the washers,” he said. “I've just remembered something. I left an order with my troops at home. If we're not back by the full moon, I told them to assume we've been killed by humans and to go on a revenge mission.”

  Limpy's insides dropped, even though there was no air turbulence outside the plane.

  “What sort of revenge mission?” he asked.

  “I ordered them to scratch all the cars in the human suburb,” said Goliath.

  Limpy's insides crashed and burned.

  “That's terrible,” he croaked.

  “I know,” said Goliath. “I completely forgot to tell them to let all the air out of the tires as well.”

  For the rest of the flight, Limpy could only think about one thing. He was still thinking about it as the plane landed and he felt the toolbox being loaded into a vehicle and driven somewhere.

  One awful thing.

  The huge merciless war Limpy knew humans would wage against anyone who scratched their cars.

  When the toolbox lid was finally flung open, Limpy saw to his horror that it had already started.

  The global war between humans and cane toads.

  He and Charm and Goliath staggered out of the toolbox into a nightmare.

  Fireballs were exploding in a dark sky. The night air was full of smoke and stench. Humans in ragged military uniforms were clambering over piles of rubble, aiming huge guns. And all around, slumped and bleeding and pitiful, were dead cane toads.

  Limpy could hardly take it all in. He was dimly aware of Charm whimpering and clutching on to him.

  They both ducked as a burly helmeted human, chest crisscrossed with belts of bullets, dragged himself out of a crater, heaved a machine gun onto his shoulder, and blasted several cane toads into tiny pieces.

  “What's going on?” yelled Goliath into Limpy's ear.

  He looked as stunned as Limpy felt.

  “War,” said Limpy, feeling faint. “World war.”