Joyful

by Shelley Shepard Gray

“So what happens now?” Ben asked after glancing at Judith. “And what does this all mean to us? Do Kendra’s sisters want to pay us a visit?” His eyes widened. “Will James’s father visit us, too? Is he dangerous? What will Kendra think about that?”

  “Let’s take things one step at a time,” Bernie said. “For the moment, everything stays the same. Kendra has begun her battle against her disease, and she’s very strong-willed. So there is a hope.”

  “And if she doesn’t survive?”

  “Then I have a feeling James’s future will be in the hands of a judge. And while he or she is determining what to do with James, it’s very likely the judge might ask for James to be raised in a different environment.”

  Judith could no longer hold her peace. “But Kendra chose us,” she sputtered. “We went there and talked to her and she signed the papers,” she said in a rush. “And we’ve taken James to visit Kendra two other times since then.”

  “I know that.”

  “But . . . but, that has to mean something. You said it did.”

  “Your actions say a lot. And Kendra’s opinion means a lot, too. It certainly does carry a lot of weight. But she hasn’t chosen you to be her son’s adoptive parents. She chose you as foster parents.”

  “It’s one and the same,” Ben said. “Right?”

  “Not in the eyes of the courts.”

  “Sounds like you’re splitting hairs,” Ben said. “Bernie, I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all your efforts on our behalf, but it suddenly sounds like you’re not on our side.”

  “You forget that I’m always on James’s side. That said, I want you to know that I care about you, too. I am on your side.” With a sigh, she pulled her glasses off the bridge of her nose and peered at them both. “I am merely trying to prepare you for what might happen. I want you both to be informed.”

  Looking at Bernie closely, Judith suddenly realized that the social worker was just as sad and rattled by the recent turn of events as they were. “This is hard for you, too, isn’t it?”

  Bernie nodded. “I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve been doing this job a long time. I like to think that the reason I’ve been so good at a difficult job like this is that I’ve been able to keep a healthy distance. To remain professional. But that hasn’t been the case with you or with Kendra and James. I’ve become emotionally involved with all of you.”

  She inhaled, took a deep breath, and pushed a chunk of unruly hair off her brow. “I’d love nothing more than to wave a magic wand and make everything work out the way we want them to. But we have to do things the correct way. For James.”

  The gentle reminder of who they needed to all focus on helped Judith remain calm. “It sounds like we need to go pay Kendra a visit then.”

  “That would be the best thing. Unfortunately, she’s too sick to receive visitors.”

  “Is she in her cell?” Judith hated to think Kendra was so sick behind bars.

  “She’s in the infirmary, but I think it would be best to wait a bit to visit.”

  “We have to do something, Bernie,” Ben said.

  “I agree. How about this? I’ll start filing paperwork for you all, asking for custody. Meanwhile, you write her a letter. Tell her you talked to me and ask her to send word when she can have visitors. Or, at the very least, can talk on the phone.”

  “That’s it?” It sure didn’t seem like much. It certainly didn’t seem like enough.

  “That’s it, for now.” She closed her folder and stuffed it inside her tote bag. “Remember, nothing is settled until the judge says so. And that’s a ways away. Don’t worry about things that haven’t happened yet. Doing that will only get you in trouble,” she said wryly. “I promise, I’ve learned that the hard way.”

  When she stood up, Judith and Ben stood up, too. “Thank you for explaining everything so well.”

  Bernie grinned, then hugged her tight. “I know this is hard. I know you are feeling confused and a bit at sea, too. But I promise, I’m doing the best I can.”

  Ben shook his head. “There’s no reason for you to say that. We know you are doing your best. And I know the Lord is looking over us, too. What will be, will be. I have faith in that.”

  Only later, after Bernie had driven off and Ben had gone to the store . . .

  After James had woken from his nap and after they’d played blocks on the floor . . .

  Did Judith dare let her guard down? Only then did she dare to let her mind drift to that very dark place where she’d lived after her miscarriage.

  And wondered how in the world she was going to be able to survive another big loss.

  chapter six

  As Randall sat on the stoop of the front porch and watched Elizabeth Nolt walk up their long driveway, he gave thanks for small favors. Since he was the only person at home at the moment, no one would catch him staring at her.

  He was glad about that, because, well, it was almost impossible for him not to stare.

  Seeing Elizabeth walk up to the house, like he’d seen her do countless times before, brought up so many memories. Some were sweet, filled with smiles and laughter, times when they’d been at their best, like when they would joke about his love for all things sweet or her inability to let even her crankiest hen become Sunday supper. At those moments, Randall had been sure that they were experiencing only the first of many happy days together.

  Other times were far more difficult to remember, though the memories were as crystal clear as the summer sky. Like every couple, they’d had their fair share of petty arguments. Once, she had gotten miffed because he’d gone on a hunting trip over her birthday. Another time, he’d gotten upset when he’d thought she’d been a bit too friendly with a couple of guys in their circle of friends.

  But even those disagreements hadn’t lasted all that long, and their moments of making up had always been especially sweet.

  Of course, all of that was now in the past.

  As Randall continued to watch her, he frowned. The last time they’d been together, he’d been the one walking up her drive.

  She’d had on a blue dress and she’d looked beautiful.

  He’d been so nervous and worried about breaking up with her, he’d done it in the clumsiest of ways. And then she’d tried not to cry before he rushed out, almost emotionless. But inside he’d felt lower than a cockroach.

  To his embarrassment, his eyes had watered as he’d made his way back home. Oh, he’d pretended it was the cold wind that spurred his tears, but he knew better. He’d been as heartbroken as she was.

  He’d also been carrying an added measure of guilt.

  Now, he could make out her features as she came closer; her pretty brown eyes, eyes he knew were framed by thick lashes. His body was so tense, he felt as if he were about to spring in anticipation. He didn’t know if he could have handled seeing her again if they’d had an audience.

  When she was halfway to the porch, he walked out to meet her.

  And when only a few yards separated them, he attempted to pretend that everything between them was fine and good. Normal. “Thanks for coming over, Elizabeth. I sure appreciate it. I mean, we all do.”

  “It’s not a problem.”

  “Gut.” Standing there by her side, he felt at loose ends, mainly because he wasn’t sure what to do with his hands. Neither shaking her hand nor hugging her like he used to seemed appropriate. Feeling even more uneasy, he stuffed his hands in his pockets.

  In response, she folded her arms over her chest.

  “I, uh, hope you weren’t too taken aback by Levi’s visit?”

  As if she sensed his discomfort, her lips tilted upward. “I was surprised, of course, but I wasn’t upset by what he did. Actually, it would be hard to ever feel that way about Levi. He’s a good boy. And he has a good way about him.”

  “Most of the time, he does.” Of course, he hadn’t been feeling that way when Levi had told him what he’d done!

  “I’m glad he came over. It was an opportune time.
I am looking forward to hearing more about the job offer, Randall.”

  He noticed that her voice was crisp. Businesslike. And her stance was a little rigid. It was all so different from the warm way she used to greet him.

  He shouldn’t have been surprised, but the difference was chilling. “Ah. Jah, it’s quite a job, looking after the lot of us.” He paused, waiting for her to laugh, or to say something about how he wasn’t all that difficult.

  Instead, she looked at him seriously. Almost as if they were strangers.

  And maybe they were now? Had his abrupt change of heart changed her?

  “I bet you’re chilled.” Looking at the sky, he said, “This May weather is such a tease. It looks like it should be warmer than it is.”

  “May and June are always like that, I suppose. We get fresh flowers and fields of vivid green, but it’s never quite warm enough. At least it isn’t raining.”

  “The dry weather has been nice. For sure.” Well, they had certainly exhausted that topic. “How about we go on inside now? We’ll sit down in the kitchen and talk about everything.”

  “That sounds gut.”

  When she started toward the house, Randall caught up so he could walk beside her. Though they’d seen each other from a distance from time to time, he hadn’t spent any time with her since that fateful conversation. Now he was unable not to take in every detail about her.

  She looked a little thinner. Her eyes were a little more wary. But she still looked as pretty as ever. And, well, he didn’t know how she did it, but Elizabeth always smelled like clean laundry and cherries. Sweet and clean and mesmerizing.

  As they walked through the entryway and passed the front living room and into the kitchen, Elizabeth seemed to be taking in every square foot. With every step, she looked to be a little more apprehensive.

  Immediately, he noticed the dust bunnies in the corners of the woodwork, the stains on the floor, and the fingerprints on the doors. “Try not to look at everything too closely or you’ll run away from here as fast as you can!” he joked. “I know it’s a mess.”

  “No, I was just thinking that it sure seemed quiet around here. Who else is home?”

  “No one. Just me.”

  “Oh.”

  Was it his imagination, or did she now seem even more disconcerted? “Elizabeth, is that all right with you? I mean, you don’t mind that it’s just me and you for now, do you?”

  “Of course not. I’m simply surprised. Where is everyone? I guess Kaylene is still at school?”

  “Yep. And Neil is at the feed store. Micah is with a college counselor, and Levi is at his part-time job with the construction firm who hired me.” He pursed his lips. “Things are a lot different now that Junior, Claire, and Beverly are married.”

  “I imagine so. But the three of them are happy, right? I mean, they’ve looked happy whenever I’ve seen them around town.”

  “Oh, jah. They’re happy as clams.” Mentally, he winced. Hopefully he didn’t actually sound as bitter as he feared he did.

  She sat down on one of the barstools against the island. He decided to keep a safe distance and stood in front of the stove on the island’s other side.

  “Is this what you do now? Stay here, holding down the fort?”

  “So to speak. I don’t know if Levi told you, but I cut my hours way back at my construction job.”

  “I did hear that, though I’m not sure if it was from your brother. I must say I’m surprised. I thought you really liked it.”

  “I did.”

  “But?”

  “But someone had to spend more time around here. And since it’s obvious to all that Micah will one day follow his own path among the Englischers, that person should be me.” He shrugged. “I don’t mind working only two days a week, but sometimes I fear I’m only making things worse around here. Lately, all I seem to be doing is cleaning and cooking, and none of it very well.” As soon as he heard his words, he ached to take them right back. Could anyone sound more pathetic?

  And, well, he sounded like a liar, too, since he’d just noticed that one of the saucepans from last night’s supper was still on the stove. Inside, the leftover beans no one had wanted had hardened like glue. Hoping she didn’t notice it, he hastily picked it up and placed it in the sink.

  Eyes following the pan, she murmured, “Even with only five people in the haus, I’m sure there’s a lot to do.”

  “There is, and to make things worse, I fear I’m a terrible housekeeper, Elizabeth,” he admitted. He gazed at her face, hoping she would either kid about his ineptitude or say that so far, the house didn’t look too bad.

  But instead, she looked at him in such a steady way that he felt she could see into his soul. After a couple of seconds, she sighed. “What is going on, Randall?”

  “Nothing. We simply need some help.” Suddenly noticing how the countertops had crumbs from the morning’s toast, he attempted to brush them onto a rag.

  “Randall, please stop.”

  “I’m only trying to clean up for you.”

  “That’s why I’m here, jah?”

  “Not today though.”

  Her lips curved up. “I promise, I’m not bothered by toast crumbs or dirty pots and pans. Don’t clean right now, please? Your jumping around is making me nervous.” She gestured to the other stools. “Now, come sit down and tell me what you’d like me to do while I’m here.”

  “Cook supper. Clean. And then there’s also Kaylene.”

  Elizabeth started to lean against the counter, but then gazed at the wood and Formica top, and seemed to think the better of it. “What about Kaylene?”

  “Well, she’s at an impressionable age, you know. And she’s missing Junior. You remember how close they were.”

  “He didn’t want her to live with him?”

  “He offered, but she didn’t want to leave. And to be honest, I don’t think I can let her go, Elizabeth. She needs to stay here. This is her home. Our home. I need to make things work for her. I’m really worried about Kay.”

  Her gaze was searching. “So you agreed to me being here because of Kaylene?”

  He was tempted to shake his head. To tell her that of course it wasn’t just about Kay. It wasn’t even just about having a dirty house. It was because of everything. His siblings, the house, the changes. Him. Her.

  But of course he couldn’t say anything like that, because his life hadn’t changed. Besides, she needed money, too. “It’s everything.”

  “And there wasn’t any other woman in Sugarcreek who you thought could assist your family?”

  “I’m sure there are other women who could help us out, but not so many that Kaylene trusts.” He ached to say more. But he feared that nothing could come of bringing up old wounds. “Is being here—and being around me—going to be a problem, Elizabeth? I know we didn’t end things on a good note.”

  “Randall, we didn’t end things. You did. You told me that you didn’t want to see me anymore. That we couldn’t work things out.”

  He’d been lying, however. He had wanted to see her. But he had also wanted to do the right thing for his family. Duty had prevailed.

  She looked at him a moment longer, then with a sigh, hopped off the stool. After opening up a couple of cabinets, she pulled out a mug. Then, to his embarrassment, she walked to the stove, grabbed the teakettle, and carried it to the sink.

  “I can make you tea, Elizabeth.”

  “Nee. I would like to do it, I think.” After vigorously scrubbing last night’s pan, she took off the top of the kettle, peeked inside, and frowned. And then started scrubbing the inside.

  “I didn’t think the inside of a kettle ever needed to be cleaned,” he murmured.

  “That is obvious.” She smiled slightly. “Randall, if you are truly interested in hiring me, I think I need to know more. What will this job entail?”

  “How about I help you while we talk, Beth?” When she glared at him over her shoulder, he knew why. He used to call her Beth late
at night when he would walk her home. It had been his pet name for her—liking it because no one else ever called her that.

  “Randall, can we please discuss the job now?” Her voice was now tinged with stress, and he knew it was all his fault.

  The job. Not them. The job. Not how much he’d hurt her. Or the way he couldn’t seem to stop staring at her.

  He forced himself to think of things in a clear way, to not get emotional. Or to focus on the faint thread of guilt that was needling him, reminding him of how many things she had been doing without.

  “After Levi, ah, jumped the gun, we had a family meeting and decided that we do really need to hire someone to come in a few days a week,” he said as he watched her rinse the kettle with cool water and then fill it once again. “Since you have been taking care of your grandmother a lot, we thought of you. I mean, Levi did.”

  “What about the pay?”

  Though it was awkward, he pushed through. “We were thinking to pay ten dollars an hour? Would that be sufficient?”

  She nodded solemnly. “I think that would be just fine. Now, when would you pay me?”

  “I hadn’t thought that far ahead. When would you like to be paid?”

  “Once a week?” she asked as she set the kettle on to boil. “Would that work all right for you?”

  Knowing she needed her pay every week made him feel guilty. They had so much and she obviously did not. “Of course that’s fine.”

  “Danke.”

  As he watched her shoulders relax, Randall took care to keep his expression neutral. “Elizabeth, would you like an advance or something? Or some money? Do you need some money?” Thinking quickly, he said, “I’ve got about two hundred dollars in my wallet—”

  “I don’t need any handouts, Randall. I’m not a charity case.”

  “You know I don’t think of you that way. But we are friends, and friends help each other out from time to time.”

  “And ten dollars an hour should be fine.”

  Realizing that she was going to have to work ten hours in order to earn a hundred dollars, he felt pretty cheap. “You know what? Maybe we should raise it to twenty an hour.”