Joyful

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “Is that so hard to believe?”

  She averted her eyes. Meeting his gaze was too hard. If she did, she felt like she would have to admit out loud all the mistakes she’d made. “I used to think anyone who was friends with Miguel couldn’t be friends with me.”

  “I hope you change your mind about that.” Carefully, he wiped his mouth, then set his paper napkin over his clean plate. “Just because I still talk to Miguel, it doesn’t mean I’m just like him.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “More than sure.” His voice hardened, but not with animosity. Instead, it filled with confidence. “For better or worse, I’m my own man, Pippa. And . . . I hope, in time, you’ll see that.”

  It felt like he was telling her a lot. Like he was trying to let her know something without being obvious. But she wasn’t good at that anymore. “I’m not sure what you want.”

  “I want to get to know you better. I’ve always wanted to get to know you better.”

  “You have?”

  He nodded, looking a little sad. “I know you need time, and I’m good with that. I just want the chance to talk to you some. Maybe see you again, when that is something you’re comfortable with.”

  “I see.”

  “Do you?” His eyes lit up, like he was amused. “In that case, could I have your phone number?”

  “No.” She closed her eyes, hating how she had the manners of a wild dog or something. “I’m sorry. I mean that I’m just not ready for that. Yet.”

  “All right, then.” Pulling out his wallet, he handed her a twenty-dollar bill and a business card. “Here’s my number. I’d love to hear from you.” Looking a little sheepish, he added, “I’d even be happy with a text. And here’s what I owe you for breakfast.”

  “This is too much.” At that moment, she wasn’t sure if she was talking about his phone number or the money.

  Getting to his feet, he shook his head slightly. “It’s not too much, Pippa.” He turned and walked out the door before she could argue with him.

  Shaking her head in dismay, she grabbed the twenty and, after a moment’s pause, that card.

  And as she went to the cash register to put in the bill, she realized that she’d never given him back that canvas tote—or his handkerchief.

  Maybe someday soon she’d use that as a reason to give him a call back. Or at least text him.

  Maybe someday she’d be brave enough to do that. Maybe.

  chapter ten

  Mucking out stalls should be a solitary chore. Really. It was a dirty, smelly job, and one that Randall had never especially enjoyed. But the older he got, the more he appreciated it. He could see the results right away, and their horses always seemed a lot happier when they were standing on fresh straw.

  But those reasons didn’t mean that he wanted to drag the task out longer than necessary.

  “I told you I got this, Levi,” Randall said under his breath.

  “And I told you that taking care of these stalls is my job.” With a scowl, he snatched the rake out of his hands. “I promised Junior I would still do it after he left.”

  It made no sense, but his youngest brother’s reminder that Junior’s word was still heeded—even though he was living on his own now—grated something awful.

  Enough to pick a fight.

  “And I told you that I have time, and I don’t mind doing it. Let me be and go on to work.”

  “I don’t start my shift until eleven today,” Levi said as he neatly ran the rake along the side of the stall, easily picking up more soiled straw in one pass than Randall did in three. “Plus, you aren’t doing it right.”

  “And we both know that there’s only one way to clean out a stall.”

  “There’s only one way to do it the way Bright likes.”

  “She’s a horse.”

  “She’s a gut gaul. Even I remember Daed saying that we needed to care for her well, because she cares for us,” Levi snapped. “Don’t you remember that?”

  “Of course I do. Daed told me that a whole lot longer ago than you.” As soon as the words left his mouth, he wished he could take them back. The reason Levi hadn’t heard his father’s words of wisdom for as long was because he was so young when their father passed away. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “Bruder, what’s wrong with you? You’re not acting like yourself at all.”

  Randall immediately felt ashamed. His brother was right. There was no reason for him to be taking out his frustration on a horse’s stall anyway. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  “You know, if you’re upset with the way you treated Elizabeth, you should just go over there and apologize. It might take a while, but I bet you’ll find the right words to say to her sooner or later.”

  “I didn’t know you were now in the business of giving advice, bruder.”

  “I’m not. But if you aren’t going to be paying a call on Elizabeth, let me know. I’ll go over there and apologize.”

  Against his will, a burst of jealousy hit him hard. “Have you developed a crush on her, Levi?”

  Taking a deep breath, Levi rested the rake against the slats of the stall before facing him. “You know, I used to really admire you. Out of all my older brothers, I admired you the best. I liked how you were always so easygoing. I liked how you kept to yourself and worked construction and always had a joke or a smile for me. But now I get it.”

  “And what do you get?”

  “You weren’t easygoing; you were selfish. You were happy because you were doing exactly what you wanted, when you wanted. And now that you can’t, you don’t know how to deal with it.”

  “That is not true.” At least, he really hoped it wasn’t.

  “It sure seems like it is. If you don’t want to be in charge, tell Micah or Neil. Or tell Junior. I bet he’d come back and do everything again. And then you could go back to doing what you wanted.”

  “Listen to you,” he said sarcastically. “You’ve got all the answers this morning.”

  “Not really. Because Kaylene is still sad, we’re going to have hockey-puck chicken again tonight, and you probably hurt Elizabeth’s feelings. She’s probably wondering how she’s going to be able to take care of her grandmother now.” Looking even more irritated, Levi thrust his rake at Randall. “Here, you want to finish up? Go ahead. I’m going to walk Kaylene to school.”

  “Wait. I haven’t made her lunch yet.”

  Levi rolled his eyes. “I already made it.”

  “Really?”

  “Don’t you get it, Randall? As much as you seem to believe you’ve got the whole family’s burdens on your shoulders, you don’t. Once more, you never have.”

  Only when he was alone again did Randall dare admit that his little brother was right. He had always been happy, because he had been thinking only about himself.

  And yet again, here he was, thinking only about himself. He was focusing on how much he still wanted Elizabeth in his life. Secretly admitting to himself that he still loved her. But instead of doing something about it, he was behaving like a teenager, finding fault with her instead of himself.

  No, he corrected, thinking of Levi and his words, he was behaving worse than a teenager. He needed to go apologize to her as soon as possible.

  And, he realized with a sense of dismay, there was no better time than the present.

  After all, it seemed that his little brother was taking care of everything else.

  Less than an hour later, he was riding his bike to Elizabeth’s house. His mind was blank. He truly had no idea how he was going to find the words to apologize to Elizabeth. Or how he was going to be able to convince her to come back to work.

  He hoped the Lord would take pity on him by the time he got to her front door and knocked. It was obvious that, left in his hands, things were going to go just as poorly as ever.

  “Please, Got, help me out here,” he murmured to himself as he knocked, then waited for Elizabeth to answer.

 
Then was caught completely off guard by her grandmother instead. “Gut matin, Anna Mae.”

  She stepped back to let him inside. “And the same to you, Randall. What brings you by here so early this morning?”

  “I was hoping to talk to Elizabeth. Is she here?”

  “She is, though I doubt she wants to talk to you.”

  “I bet she doesn’t—which, of course, is the exact reason I need to talk to her.”

  “Oh?”

  Randall was becoming uncomfortably aware that Anna Mae was in no hurry to get Elizabeth—or to let him off the hook. “I messed up things with her yesterday.”

  “She told me that. Matter of fact, she said she weren’t real happy with you.” With a look of distaste, she added, “And that your haus was a mess.”

  “Our haus is a mess. But I’m hoping to one day get better. And I’m trying to work out things with her, too.”

  When it was obvious that Anna Mae wasn’t the least bit impressed, he shrugged. “I don’t know what else I can tell you. It’s obvious that I need Elizabeth’s help. At least, it is to me.”

  At last, her eyes sparkled a bit. “Why don’t you go take a seat in the kitchen? I’ll tell Elizabeth that you’ve come to grovel.”

  While she walked down the hall, Randall struggled to keep a straight face. She was exactly right; he’d come to lay his ineptitude in front of her with the hope that she was going to take pity on him.

  He wandered into the kitchen. It looked just as it had when he used to come calling. It wasn’t a fancy kitchen, but perfectly suited to Elizabeth. She was a unique combination of traditional Amish values with just a splash of modern sparkle.

  They’d spent so many evenings simply sitting on the kitchen stools next to the counter sipping hot chocolate, and talking. Being in the room again fairly took his breath away. The walls were painted a butter yellow. The cabinets were old, but had been painted a soft blue. The counters were made of white tile. The floor was highly polished cherrywood. Pots and pans hung from a large iron holder above the butcher block in the center of the room. All of the pots and pans were stainless steel and sparkled like they’d just come from the store.

  He knew, however, that they were years old. Elizabeth merely cared for them just like she did everything else—with a liberal dose of care and love.

  And he’d brushed off everything she’d offered with hardly a backward glance.

  “Hello, Randall,” Elizabeth said as she entered the room, just as if he’d conjured her.

  Turning, he smiled. “Hey. I was just looking at everything. You really do have the prettiest kitchen I’ve ever seen.”

  “Danke. It’s my pride and joy.”

  Fingering one of the pans above his head, he asked, “How do you keep your pans looking so shiny and clean? I can almost see my reflection in them.”

  “I’ve got some cleanser called Barkeeper’s Friend. That and baking soda seems to do the trick.”

  “I’ll have to give that a try. Ours don’t look near as pretty.”

  “The trick is to take your time. When you scrub too hard, the stainless steel gets scratched.”

  “Ah.”

  She smiled softly, making him feel like she’d just given him a hug. “I never thought I’d see the day when we would be talking about cleaning pots and pans.”

  He shrugged. “I’m starting to realize that a lot of things have happened that I didn’t anticipate. It’s taught me to keep on my toes.”

  “That is true. The Lord is certainly in charge, ain’t so? He throws things in our carefully organized lives time and again.”

  “He knows best. But sometimes, well, I wish His lessons weren’t always so difficult to learn.”

  She nodded in agreement, then looked at him closely. “Why did you come over, Randall?”

  “I came to grovel. But I would have thought your grandmother would’ve told you that.”

  “Um, well, she might have.” She pulled out one of the bar stools and sat down primly. “Want to sit down?”

  He did, but he feared it would bring back too many memories. “I think it might be better if I stand,” he said, hoping she didn’t notice just how much he was staring at her. She looked pretty today in a dark blue dress, the color so rich he might have mistaken it for purple. He wasn’t sure what it was about her that had always drawn him. Sure, she was pretty, but other girls were, too.

  And her thick brown hair and deep brown eyes were attractive, too.

  But, he supposed, other girls had just as pretty features.

  But from the first time their teacher had asked them to work together on a project, his heart had been hers. “Hey, do you remember when we championed that auction for the Brown family?”

  “How could I forget? What were we? Like twelve or thirteen?”

  “We were twelve.”

  She shook her head. “We were far too young to be relied on to organize anything, let alone an auction for a family in need.”

  “We did it, though. We got volunteers and even asked Mr. Atle to be the auctioneer.”

  She tilted her head. “What made you think about that?”

  “No reason.” Only that he remembered a moment when they’d been feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated and had gotten a little slaphappy. They’d been in someone’s barn, attempting to organize what had seemed like a thousand donated items when half of them had toppled to the ground in a heap. They’d gasped and stared at the mess. He’d uttered a few choice words under his breath.

  But Elizabeth? She’d simply stood there and laughed—really laughed. It had been charming.

  Elizabeth met his gaze now, and the tension between them rose. Then she hopped off her stool and waved a hand. “Randall, my grandmother told me what she said to you. I promise, there’s no need to come here and grovel or beg.”

  “I think differently.”

  “You’d best get on with it then.” She crossed her arms over her chest and obviously attempted to look mighty put upon.

  “Elizabeth, I would like to apologize for my behavior yesterday.”

  “I accept it. Danke. So, um, are we done now?”

  He winced. “Please don’t be like this. I know your feelings are hurt, and I know I shouldn’t have been so short-tempered with you yesterday. I really am sorry.”

  Her gaze softened as at last some of the reserve that had been so prevalent in her demeanor melted away. “Oh, Randall, I know.”

  “Danke.” Some of the tension in his shoulders eased.

  “However, if you don’t mind me asking, why were you in such a snit? I mean, you had to have known that I was doing the best I could.”

  “I know you were.” He’d also thought that her being there in the house had felt right. He’d wanted nothing more than to circle her in his arms and hold her close. Knowing that he’d had a chance to have her in his house as his wife, and had blown that chance to pieces, made his heart heavy. “And that, I think, is why I was having such a difficult time with you at the haus.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Elizabeth, I am just as aware as you are that we should have been married by now.”

  Right before his eyes, twin spots of color appeared on her cheeks. “You are being presumptuous. You never asked, and I certainly never answered.”

  “That is true. But I think we both know that I was going to ask. And I, at least, felt sure what your answer was going to be.”

  Immediately, she averted her eyes, hiding her pain.

  He felt that pain as clearly as if she’d thrust a knife in his heart. He pursed his lips, hating what he was admitting, but seeing no way out. “I broke things off because I felt my family needed me to be there for them. I thought it was my turn to be there for my siblings a hundred percent.”

  “Randall, everyone has responsibilities.”

  “I know that, but things are different for me.” When she still looked skeptical, he said, “It is. We don’t have anyone to lean on, to depend on.”

 
“But if you truly cared, you could have leaned on me.”

  “That’s not what I’m talking about. We don’t have extended family here to give us guidance, Elizabeth. We don’t even have parents.” Thinking about how different and distant their father had been after their mother’s death, he added quietly, “Actually, in a lot of ways, we’ve been raising ourselves for the last nine years.”

  He raised a hand so she wouldn’t interrupt. “I know that for most of the time Junior bore the brunt of it. So did Beverly and Claire. But when each of them wanted to get married and have a chance to concentrate on their own lives for a change, I couldn’t deny them that opportunity. I knew it was my turn.”

  “You are doing a gut job of it.”

  “Maybe, maybe not. All I knew at the time was that Junior had purposely not courted anyone seriously until Miriam, because he felt he had other responsibilities to the family. I was sure I needed to do the same thing. And that is what I am doing.” Hating how weak and ineffective he sounded, he attempted to infuse his voice with a note of confidence. “This is the choice I’ve made, Beth. I need to stay the course.”

  Her brows rose, as did her voice. “You’re acting like you ignored your responsibilities before Junior and your sisters got married. We both know that isn’t the case.”

  “I did do a lot, but it was nothing like what Junior took on. The truth is, I was perfectly happy to let Junior do the hard stuff while I tried to be everyone’s friend.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  “There was when I knew Levi was acting up, but I let Junior and Claire discipline him. There was when I was content to merely make money for the family, hand it to Junior, then go off to do what I wanted.”

  Lowering his voice, he added, “There was when I knew Kaylene was worried about school and I didn’t offer to help her out because I knew Junior would help her . . . even if it meant he would have even less time for himself.” Now that his pride was completely on the floor, he said, “Elizabeth, I’m struggling. I need help managing the house so I can concentrate on the finances and running the whole farm. I’m not asking for a second chance with you—I know I don’t deserve that. But I can promise that if you do come back to work I’ll do my best to be much more kind and appreciative.”