by Hayley Oakes
After that week Lou’s became a regular haunt for us and four weeks in we had more to talk about and things became a lot less awkward. Matt still seemed lost at times and if the conversation veered towards Jemma we quickly changed the subject. He mentioned his parents a lot and I knew that them meeting Ivy was inevitable. I agreed that he could babysit her whilst I taught yoga.
Gail thought I was mad, Serena asked if he was hot and Matt asked me outright how much childcare costs were and started sending me that as well at the money that I got from CSA. He also came the second week with a brand new snow suit.
Ivy was a lucky girl that she could call this man her dad.
Chapter 14 - Matthew
“PENNY SEEMS TO HAVE it rough,” my dad said at work. Since my small sabbatical to sort myself out he hadn’t blended back into retirement like I’d hoped. He kept calling himself the office junior and his favourite line was ‘I’m here to do the donkey work’. The truth was he couldn’t let go and mum wanted him to keep a constant eye on me.
“How do you mean?” I asked. I wasn’t hurting financially, since Jemma’s death our mortgage had been paid off by the life insurance and her work had given me a death in service settlement, of course none of that meant a damn without her. It all just meant my earnings were piling up.
“I mean you say she lives in this little flat and doesn’t have certain things and can’t work the hours she used to and she’s only a ... dancer,” he breathed the last word as if it were alien to him.
“May I remind you that your youngest daughter is a bartender who uses all her money for her damned horse, at least Penny pays her way.” I was aggravated by his insinuations, they didn’t know Penny and from what I could see she didn’t have much but she did her best.
“You know Lydia is aiming for the Olympics dressage,” Dad narrowed his eyes over shuffling paper. He sat at his old desk as if he’d never had that retirement party where we all chipped in for new golf cubs. I should have burned the desk.
I laughed, “dressage, she can’t even dress herself and that donkey of hers can’t walk in a straight line, never mind around an assault course.”
“It’s not an assault course,” dad sighed, giving me a glare, “it’s like dancing with a horse.”
“Like Strictly come dancing with a horse?” I clarified, hiding a smirk.
“You are impossible,” he shot up from his desk and walked behind my desk to collect some printing, I was browsing the internet for a pushchair for Ivy. I knew that Penny complained about the stairs and the bus but the little thing was getting heavy and it was nearly crippling me walking with her in my arms so I was sure Penny’s tiny body was feeling the strain.
Penny was strong though, I could tell she had muscle tone and although she was really slender and short, she managed really well with Ivy strapped to her chest but I wanted to make things easier for her. I didn’t intrude too much in her life but I got the impression that things had never been easy for her. Most likely why she had accepted the deal to be her surrogate, I’d never thought too much about why she accepted and seeing her life it became clear that she probably needed the money. It made me feel like shit for reneging on the deal, knowing now how hard it must have been to afford everything Ivy needed. I also noticed that Penny rarely wore her light, blonde hair down and makeup was the last thing you’d see on her face, probably because her work meant she would sweat it off. Jemma had a tonne of very expensive makeup, the likes of which Penny could probably never afford. Despite that it was clear she was beautiful, graceful looking.
“What you looking at?” Dad asked, crouching next to my desk and glaring at my laptop like an over eager Grandma desperate to connect with the new generation.
“Nothing,” I closed the laptop and gave him a deviant stare. Was it not bad enough he was invading my work space but he had to check up on my shopping habits as well?
“A pram?” he asked, wide eyed, groaning as he straightened up from his unnatural crouch.
“Yes,” I hissed, “so what?”
“So I know your mum wanted to buy Ivy something, and she’s desperate to meet her.” He gave me a crazy smile, his grey hair was curly where mine was straight and it covered his head like candy floss, already giving him a comical appearance. He was shorter than me and podgy around the middle but other than that I was obviously his son.
“Dad,” I groaned, “don’t push this.”
“Well,” he blew out a breath, “we could make that girl’s life easier, help to babysit, buy stuff,” he shrugged.
“Take over as well?” I added. My parents were full on. I knew that and he knew that. My mum was a smother (a mother who smothered), she was into everything we did and also liked to know every facet of our lives. “Look, dad, it’ll happen but right now I feel like we’re taking it slow and I don’t want her spooked by you two.”
“Well surely she’ll understand, have her parents not asked about us?” he queried.
“Um ...” I thought hard about that, “she’s never mentioned parents.” I shrugged, “I get the feeling it’s just her.” That twisted my stomach a little, I had been so focused on just having the time with Ivy and actually looking forward to Sunday afternoons when I had a purpose and somewhere to be that I didn’t think too much about Penny being alone. She mentioned her boss and her friend at work sometimes but never family. She was a sweet girl who worked hard and didn’t expect to be a single mum and selfishly it only just hit me how much she’d done on her own.
“She’s got it rough,” dad repeated his initial sentiment, “I think mum would love to meet her.”
I groaned and pushed back my chair. “I’m gonna grab some lunch,” I told him.
Chapter 15 - Jemma
JEMMA LOVED MATT FROM afar for so long that the initial months they were dating felt like a dream come true. In second year they lived in houses in separate parts of the city. Jemma was studying Sociology and Social Work, Matt Psychology. In second year they didn’t share any classes but on the days they were both at university he would wait for her after lectures.
She would step out of lecture theatres in bustling crowds and her heart would lift when she saw his smiling face. Matt was the most relaxed person she had ever met, nothing phased him and he would just lean against a wall staring into space until she appeared. He still wore his signature shorts and his hair became more and more unruly as the term wore on. His mother would insist he cut it whenever he visited home, which wasn’t very often.
He would swing his arm around her shoulder when she walked towards him and kiss her lips, “missed ya, Jem,” he’d say in his London accent and it made her heart swell.
Most days they studied at the library between classes and although Jemma kept her friends and had dinner with her housemates, there was always time for a snuggle with Matt at some point. He was her true North, the chilled out yin to her stressed out yang. He taught her how to be more relaxed and she tried to show him how to be responsible.
Jemma loved the nights when they lay snuggled up in bed in front of the television, him kissing her naked skin and making her body tingle. Matt was her first love, the first person who made her ache for his touch and his company.
The summer after second year he invited her to Harrow and had badgered his mum into allowing her to stay all summer. She worked at the family factory and their evenings were spent at the local pub in the fading sunshine with Matt’s childhood friends. He always made sure to sit close to her so his finger tips could graze her skin. He watched as she spoke and laughed and regaled stories to impress her like she was the only woman in the world for him.
At night he loved to peel her clothes off and kiss her beautiful body, owning her in every way. She was made for him and he was made for her, it was the most intense relationship that either one of them had ever had.
There was no discussion of her moving back to Edinburgh after third year, they couldn’t decide whether to stay in Newcastle or move to Harrow. Matt was so relaxed that he di
dn’t start applying for jobs until after graduation and a lot of the jobs relating to his degree had been snapped up in Newcastle. Eventually his dad offered him a job that he would be a fool to turn down and Jemma managed to get a job as a Social Worker for Ealing Borough Council. It was a commute from Harrow but she was excited.
Their life began in Harrow and that’s where it ended. The promise and love they shared at the start became strained over the years but they remained solid to the outside world and Matt never stopped loving her, even if sometimes he struggled to understand why.
Chapter 16 - Eight Months Old
Penny
“WHAT THE HELL IS that?” I was dressed in my yoga pants and an oversized hoody, about to get ready to leave to teach Yoga. Matt had really stepped up to the post and now drove over straight from work Tuesdays and Thursdays to look after Ivy whilst I worked. I made dinner and left him a plate. I’d given him a key for the communal door so he just knocked when he reached my internal door. He arrived with a huge cardboard box blocking him from view.
“Surprise,” he grinned from behind the box, turning sideways so he could walk through the door.
“What the hell Matt?” I squeaked, “is my flat not cramped enough?” I pursed my lips with a smile. I had come to realise that Matt was a complete enigma. I had no idea what to expect next with him and as I saw more of him, I liked to think the black cloud surrounding him was lifting.
“I got this,” he plonked the box down in the middle of the cramped sitting room and I caught sight of a picture of a pushchair on the side.
I bent sideways to get a better look and saw he’d bought an Oyster pushchair in a demin blue with a brown leather hand guard at the front for Ivy to hold onto. It was beautiful. “Wow!” I said, standing upright with my hands on my hips. “This is nice.”
“Do you like it?” he grinned, “I’ll get it set up tonight and you can take it for a spin tomorrow.”
“It’s too much,” I frowned, “Matt ....” I began.
He gave me a quizzical stare and narrowed his eyes, “too much to buy my daughter a pushchair?”
I sighed, “we didn’t need it.”
“You did,” Ivy was sat playing on the floor and he bent to pick her up, kissing her head absently as his face still looked disgruntled. “Penny we needed this and you wouldn’t ask so I got it.” He nodded defiantly and looked at me from behind Ivy who was now patting his cheeks with her little hands. She was freshly bathed and looked adorable in her pink sleepsuit.
I nodded, “thanks.” I said quickly. He was right, we needed it and I would never have justified buying it and he was her dad so it was great that he was helping. “I love it.”
His face broke out into a grin and when he did that he was even more good looking. I liked to see him smile, it made me happy to see him happy.
“Shall we drive you to work?” he asked and I shook my head. He’d asked this a few times already and I always turned him down.
“I have my Oyster card Matt,” I smiled to myself as I grabbed my bag off the floor, “I have to use it and Ivy needs her milk then bed.” I stepped forward to kiss her head and he dipped her so I could reach better. I wanted Ivy to keep her routine and the last thing I needed was to become reliant on Matt.
“Message me when you set off home so I know you’ve not been murdered,” he said, falling back onto the sofa and snuggling Ivy and her teething ring in the crook of his arm. He grabbed the remote for the TV and began to change channels as I left.
“I’ve prepped the bottle just needs to warm up.” I told him as I hustled out the door.
“Text me,” he added with authority as I pulled the door shut behind me.
My yoga class was a quick bus ride away and on the busy street where I lived they came every five minutes. Whilst I waited at the bus stop I checked my phone and found a message from Matt already, it was a picture of Ivy sipping her bottle sleepily in his arms.
I send back: Awwwwww
Matt: You on the bus yet?
Me: Just waiting, I can see one coming.
Matt: Okay
The class I taught had dispersed a little whist I was on maternity, I had managed to hire the same church hall and luckily had a handful of committed attendees return as soon as I started up again. My regulars loved my class, I taught beginners and intermediate back to back on Tuesdays. The regulars did both classes.
“How is that sweet girl?” Sally, one of my longest serving clients asked me. She was mid-fifties with puffy blonde hair, a permatan and an abundance of makeup.
“Perfect,” I grinned, “she’s babbling more and I swear I hear her say mama.”
“I bet you do, she was bright as a button when I saw her and my goodness I can tell she’ll be smart like her mama,” she added, squeezing my arm.
“Smart?” I scoffed, “hardly.”
“You are,” she shook her head, “you could be anything you wanted Penny,” she added with one of those overly confident motherly glances.
“Good job I want to be a yoga teacher,” I laughed.
After two hours of intense workouts it was nine pm and the room was emptying. One of my regulars, Roger, a mid-thirties guy who was vegan, into meditating and wore lycra, lingered after class.
“Penny,” he said as I shoved my hoody back on, having pushed my matt into my bag.
“Yeah?” I stood up and gave him a dazzling grin, “great class.” I told him.
“Just wondered if you um fancied a drink after class?” he looked a little wary and shy which seemed unlike him. I was taken aback and must have shown it in my face. “As friends,” he added with a curt nod.
“Oh,” I looked at my watch even though I knew the time, “I have to get back for my sitter, sorry Roger, maybe another time?”
“I’ll hold you to it,” he smirked and waved as he left. I’d always assumed he was gay with his penchant for neon lycra and his clean living lifestyle but I doubted that now by his eagerness and it really lifted me that he asked. I had been dead from the waist down for so long that I’d forgotten how nice it felt to be desired.
My relationship history had been carnage to date and so when Jemma and I agreed on the surrogacy, the last thing I knew it would interfere with was my love life. As a teenager I was the girl who didn’t fit in, didn’t have the right clothes, attitude and home life to be one of the cool crew. I was teased about my gay dads and kept myself to myself apart from a few close friends, most of whom I didn’t keep in contact with beyond Facebook. I dated boys who used me, took me for granted, never put me first and who were more interested in what I had to offer than what they could give. If there was a gym addicted bad boy within twenty paces, then I was his girl.
Roger didn’t seem like that, he wasn’t my usual type but I was a mother now, so maybe that type had to change. As I assessed my options my phone lit up on the top of my bag.
Matt: You didn’t text
Me: I haven’t set off yet.
I sighed and shook my head at the phone, zipping up my bag and closing up the church hall.
Matt: Hurry up, your daughter is asleep, the pushchair is assembled and I have made popcorn.
I grinned at the message.
Me: Is there some gripping drama on ITV I’m missing?
Matt: You can catch it on ITV+1 ;-)
I walked to the bus stop and waited under the street lights for the hustle of the double decker wading through the city night.
Matt: You on that bus?
Me: Almost
Matt: Popcorn almost gone ...
Me: hahahahaha
The bus arrived, I swiped my card, climbed aboard and opened the news app on my phone as we ambled along.
Matt: Bus arrived?
Me: YES!!! I am very capable of taking this journey without supervision.
Matt: Calm it blondie, just askin cos I wanted to know to stop rifling through your personal shit.
I laughed out loud on the bus and luckily there was no one there to stare.
> Me: Save me some popcorn weirdo and I’ll let it slide.
Matt: See you in ten.
Chapter 17 – Matthew
“SO IT’S JUST SUNDAY lunch,” I said as I turned up for our usual Sunday afternoon but an hour earlier than usual. Penny had agreed that my parents could meet Ivy, she told me to take her alone but I thought they should meet her too. If Penny was ever going to feel confident letting them babysit or have Ivy, then she needed to know them. In all their overeager, intrusive glory.
Penny was checking herself in the bedroom mirror for the fifteenth time and looked nervous. She was wearing her hair down for the first time ever and it was just past her shoulders, it wasn’t straight more like wavy but it was glossy and suited her. I hadn’t seen hair so blonde and golden up close before. She was also wearing makeup, the mascara made her sky blue eyes pop and she had applied some makeup that made her look beautiful. I’d known she was pretty but made up she was model pretty.
She wore a dress, it was fitted and red but modestly cut to her knee.
“I hate meeting new people,” she groaned, “they never like me.”
“What’s not to like?” I grinned, maybe letting my eyes roam down her dress more than I should have.
She shook her head and glared at me as I held Ivy in front of me, “I don’t know, um, I’m some poor, dancing teacher from a crummy flat that you and your late wife impregnated and now I’m in your life, costing you money.” She sighed and covered her face with her hands.
My heart stung at her explanation and perhaps she could tell as she then lowered her hands and gave me a sympathetic look. Losing Jemma still plagued me, it was there every day, our house and life was a constant reminder but when I was with Ivy and Penny ... sometimes I could forget. Sometimes. When she reminded me how unique our situation was, it hurt. I was ten months into living my life without Jemma, I was getting used to life without her and often that upset me just as much as remembering that she was gone. The fact that I was accepting and adapting to her not being here. That felt wrong sometimes.
