by Hayley Oakes
“Sorry,” she uttered.
“Why?” I tried to chase away the reality of her words but we both knew that they hung between us.
“That was insensitive, we’re trying to make this normal, sorry.” She walked forward and rubbed Ivy’s head, kissing her.
“Look,” I uttered, “I know this isn’t normal and I know our situation is far from perfect but without you two I’d probably be an alcoholic or worse ... a born again Christian.” I widened my eyes for effect and a quick laugh escaped her. “So let’s just focus on what this is, co-parenting and Ivy meeting her grandparents.”
“Yep,” she nodded.
“So ...” I began, as she threw a cardigan over her dress. “Has Ivy got any other grandparents as I never heard you talk about them and ...”
She turned around and gave me a knowing look, “I knew you’d ask one day.” She sighed but I didn’t push any further. She picked up Ivy’s car seat and settled it on the sofa. “I grew up in foster care,” she said bluntly, “from age five and I did have long-term foster parents but they now live in Spain, we Skype.” She shrugged as if that were no big deal.
“Oh,” I pondered her answer and Ivy became restless in my arms, whinging a little so she walked over and took her from me.
“That’s why I didn’t want her adopted,” she added quickly, “I hated the thought of her being ... in care.” She mumbled the last part and I took a deep breath, I got it. I saw her strength and her surroundings and it all began to make sense. Penny didn’t have any people and she didn’t want that for Ivy.
“Thanks for that Penny,” I said walking to stand next to where she was strapping Ivy into the seat so we could carry her downstairs. “You kept her when I couldn’t and I’ll always be grateful.”
“It was a no brainer,” she shrugged. “Let’s go!” She swerved the topic and I lifted Ivy in her car seat, walking ahead of her down the hallway that some shitty landlord should have decorated years ago and I felt like Penny had let me see a glimpse of herself that I knew was personal, something she maybe never intended to share.
“Pen?” I asked as she closed the door.
“Yes?” she said, turning to face me.
“You’re a great mum,” I added with a serious stare and I saw a hint of a smile trace her lips at the compliment.
“Thanks, just learning as I go,” she said turning to follow me down the stairs, “God knows I never had a role model.”
“Well at least Ivy will have,” I said with feeling and although I couldn’t see her face I imagined that she was smiling as she navigated the stairs behind me in heels, another thing I’d never seen her in until that day.
Penny climbed into the back of my car, leaning over the back seat as I reached in from the other side and secured Ivy in. It was the first time they had been in my car and the first time I had ever strapped the mobile car seat in.
“Is she getting a bit big for this seat?” I asked, I made sure the maxi cosi seat was lined up and she helped me thread the seat belt through the relevant plastic openings.
“Maybe,” Penny said with a small sigh, “we’ve only used it a handful of times.”
“I suppose you always get the bus,” I added. In the future if I started having Ivy alone more often then I’d buy her the next car seat up. I made a mental note to do some research. Our little person looked cute that day. Penny had dressed her in an adorable white dress with pink edges that had matching underpants to cover her nappy and she wore frilly, white socks. She had a pink headband over her short baby hair and a pink, woollen coat.
She babbled to herself as we strapped her in but when we moved to sit in the front she instantly started crying. Penny looked backwards at her with worry, “it’s okay baby,” she soothed. “Oh she’s upset because she can’t see us, maybe I should sit in the back?”
“If you want to,” I gave her an encouraging smile. “It’s a decent drive.”
Penny hopped out of the passenger seat and in the back, sliding next to Ivy and holding her little, chubby hand. The little one calmed down as Penny spoke softly to her and kissed her in the back.
“Thanks for coming, Pen,” I said as we pulled away from the curb.
“I’ve not decided if I’m going in yet,” she added quickly and I glanced in the rear view mirror to see a small smirk.
We reached my parents house and I drove into the circular driveway, parking behind my family’s cars. It was a big, white rendered property that had been extended by the previous owners. It was double fronted and had an integrated garage. Like most houses in London there wasn’t much land but the driveway had two entries so we could get all our cars on there. It had six bedrooms with the converted loft space and a gym. It had always been a happy house and my childhood was awesome living on this leafy suburban street.
“Wow,” Penny said looking at the big house, with an intimidated stare, “you live here?”
“Used to,” I lowered my head trying to brush it off, “they are normal.” I tried to convince her. She gave me a curt nod and I bent inside the car to release Ivy from her car seat. Spring had sprung so the day was cold but the sun was giving it more promise. As we walked towards the door, Penny a little behind me, the front door flew open and my mum dashed out.
She trotted to where I stood with Ivy in my arms and I could see unshed tears in her eyes, I glared at her, begging her to be cool but she wiped away quick tears and threw her arms out to take Ivy. “Hello sweet girl,” she said to her and Ivy reared up snuggling back into me, whipping her head around to find her mummy.
“Mum, come on let’s get inside,” I added gruffly.
“Right of course,” she righted herself and then saw Penny, “hello.” She held her hand out and Penny took it. “I’m Adrienne,” she smiled warmly at Penny and I noticed Penny visibly relax. My mum was a ball of determined energy but she also had that nurturing side that she did use from time to time as a secret weapon. She looked great for sixty, her hair short, dyed blonde and styled. She never left the house without makeup and she was slender from a life dedicated to weight watchers and aerobics.
“Penny,” she uttered, smiling at my mum.
“Come inside, thank you for coming.” Mum added and Penny followed us all inside.
Lunch wasn’t as excruciating as Penny had feared. Dad drank red wine and broke the intense moments with his well timed jokes. Lydia filled us in on her recent antics with Tinkerbell the untrainable horse. My other sister Ellen and her career obsessed husband looked at Ivy like she had three heads and also knocked back the red wine. They both worked in the city, Ellen a Lawyer and Chad in finance. He bored me to tears.
“So you’re a dance teacher?” Ellen asked Penny, as she finished her meal.
“Yes,” Penny smiled, “I was useless at school and it’s the only thing I was really good at.”
“I hated school,” Lydia whined.
“If only it hadn’t cost us a small fortune to figure that out,” Dad rolled his eyes and Lydia pouted. We’d all gone to the local public school but they sent her private for sixth form to try and encourage her to knuckle down. She started first year at university three times and nothing ever stuck. She definitely enjoyed herself at our parent’s expense though.
“Oh please,” Lydia rolled her eyes, “let’s not get into this again.”
“No let’s not,” Mum clipped out, “so Penny do you get a lot of help from your family with Ivy?” It was a leading question as I’d already told them I didn’t think she did and now I knew the circumstances I had to intervene.
“Right, enough Larson question time,” I interrupted, “dessert?” I gave Mum a hard glare and picked up mine and Penny’s plates.
“Yes,” Mum recovered herself with a broad smile and also stood up from the table. She joined me in the kitchen.
“No personal questions,” I whispered to her as we scraped plates and she pulled open the dishwasher. “Penny is not on trial here.” I told her.
“I’m sorry for try
ing to get to know the mother of my grandchild,” she scolded me, not sorry at all.
“You’re being nosey,” I gave her a glare.
“Fine,” she narrowed her eyes and pouted slightly.
“There’s no family,” I said quickly and Mum widened her eyes, intrigued.
“Right,” she waited for me to elaborate but I wasn’t in the mood to fuel her gossip wagon.
“Yup,” I rubbed the back of my head. I knew there was so much unsaid between us. I knew she regretted the choices I had made when Jemma died and perhaps there was disappointment or anger over having Penny in our lives but she didn’t say. Instead she stepped forward and hugged me. She didn’t push any further and it was a welcome surprise.
“Well this family is big enough for everyone,” she said, placing her hands on my cheeks and pulling me down to give me a quick kiss. I was thirty-six and still a kiss from my mum always made everything okay.
Chapter 18 - Nine Months Old
Penny
“SO IS HE HAVING her overnight?” Gail asked as we sat in the break room at work on a bleak Saturday in April.
“Not yet,” I shrugged, “he hasn’t asked and I’m not sure how it would work.” Matt now watched her the nights I worked and drove over Saturday morning to have her for the day when I taught at Sanfords. He didn’t see his friends at all and never seemed to go out which I surmised was down to his bereavement rather than money and time like me.
“Can he not have her?” Serena asked, “we could have a night out like old times.” She looked excited at the prospect and I smiled.
“God a night out,” I gave her a wry grin, “I’d forgotten all about them.”
Serena laughed, “I miss my karaoke buddy.”
“Maybe I’ll ask him,” my heart ached at the thought. We’d reached a happy routine over the past few months. He took Ivy to see his parents on Saturdays, we still had our lunch on Sundays but the thought of her being away from me overnight panicked me slightly. I trusted him with her but did I trust him enough to have her overnight? There was still the nagging doubt that he’d try and take her away. Legally I held the power as he wasn’t on the birth certificate, that eased me slightly.
He had the money though, the Larsons were swimming in money and that felt more powerful than any legality I had in my corner.
“Well ask him,” Serena giggled, “I’ve started seeing this new guy, Jake, and he has plenty of single, hot friends.” I smirked, it seemed a million years since Serena had pushed me to talk to some gorgeous guy in a muscle shirt at a bar.
We used to drink after work pretty often but when she kept pushing I had to tell them I was pregnant, her and Gail were completely shocked. Serena couldn’t understand why I’d want a baby, so I had to tell them the truth. Since that day Gail considered Jemma to be some rich bitch who attended my yoga classes and had lured me with money to take advantage of my hospitable womb. I assured her that I wanted to help and the money was an added bonus. She wanted to seek Jemma out and rip her hair from her head. I knew the reaction would be fierce and that’s why I kept my plans to myself until it was a given.
The day was the same as most of my teaching days, my seniors were practicing for a street dance competition in two months time. The year before we came second and this year we were determined to win. The girls ranged in age from fourteen to eighteen and they were seriously dedicated. This area of dancing was my expertise and a lot of it I learned along with Gail, as it had been new to her when she was teaching me. She expanded her classes as I got better at it and she said I had the rhythm in my bones. I was her top student.
We reserved the last two hours of the day to practice and my group of nine girls was killing it. I chose the song Bright Lights Bigger city by CeeLo Green. It was an oldie but it went really well with the routine.
“Right girls,” I clapped my hands, “final run through, I’ll do it with you.” I stood at the front of the room, facing the wall of mirrors. My blonde hair pulled up in a ponytail, my dance shorts hugging the hips that used to be narrower before Ivy. I wore my Sanfords T-shirt that was fastened in a knot at the front to make it tighter to dance in. “From the top.”
The music blared through the room, ‘I’ve been livin’ for the weekend ...’
My girls and I glided along the floor, popping behind each other, all synchronised and our arms, legs and jumps in tune. They folded between each other effortlessly, they held each other up, three of them somersaulted and their lands were perfection. We spun our hair and touched the floor, gyrating hips and popping them out. I loved the expression of dance, loved getting lost in the music and I loved my girls as much as they did me. This place had been my home when I grew up, it had healed me, taught me discipline and given me a purpose. I threw that back into the place tenfold as a teacher.
When the music finished we all smiled at each other through the mirror. I turned, sweat glistening over my chest, legs and face. “Awesome girls.” I clapped and they jogged forward also panting.
“Trudy needs to jump earlier at that last jump,” Evie said.
“Yes next time I’ll just watch and video you guys and we can replay. You were amazing.” I grinned widely clapping my hands. “Get a big drink!” I yelled as they dispersed. Just then out of the corner of my eye I saw a familiar pushchair and a tall, good-looking man waiting in the doorway. Ivy and Matt.
I smiled at them both, touched by the surprise visit as he usually waited in the car if he picked me up from work. I dropped to pick up my towel, dabbing my neck and chest. The girls were still filing out of the room past him.
Evie glanced back at me, “Oh Ivy!” she said excitedly.
“Ivy,” a few of the other girls joined in and dropped to coo over her as she lapped it up in the pushchair, smiling and acting shy, nestling her head back into the comfort of the fabric of her pushchair.
“She’s so cute,” Megan cooed giving me a huge grin.
“Thanks,” I said.
Trudy looked up to see Matt holding the pram, “Hi,” she grinned brazenly at Matt, with the confidence of a sixteen year old who looked like a rockstar.
“Hi,” he smiled politely then looked at me for help.
“Girls this is Matt, Ivy’s dad,” I said simply, placing my hands on the small of my back and watching with amusement as they eyed him in his knitted sweater and jeans combination. He was tall and his hard body clearly defined underneath. For a man ten years older than me he still had that boyish charm and styled hair that these girls seemed excited about.
“Hi Matt,” Trudy batted her lashes. “No wonder she’s so cute.”
Matt widened his eyes and gave me a help me look. I laughed, “go on girls, go and get changed.” I ushered them away and he pushed Ivy into the studio.
“Those girls,” he shook his head, “scare me.” He joked, shaking his head.
“Gaggles of girls,” I pursed my lips and dropped to unbuckle Ivy for a hug, “are like vultures and we don’t get many good looking guys in here.”
“Good looking?” he raised an eyebrow.
I coloured, realising what I’d said, “you know you are Mr Gym, stop!”
He laughed, “clearly not lost it then?” he teased.
I shook my head, changing the subject, “she been okay?”
“Yeah,” he stepped around the pushchair, “that dancing was phenomenal, Pen,” he said, moving to face where I held Ivy.
“Thanks,” I added shyly, I struggled with compliments but I did know I was good.
“You were like a machine,” he told me with awe, “and did you make up all the moves?” he asked, watching me intently.
“Yeah, I’ve been choreographing my own stuff for years,” I shrugged.
“Just wow!” he said with a grin, “well done.”
“Thanks, we’re competing in June so we just need to nail it.” I added, kissing Ivy.
“That’s not nailed?” he asked.
“Not yet,” I grinned up at him and he looked impressed.
“That was badass shit,” he rubbed his hand over Ivy’s head, keeping his eyes on us two. I knew I most likely reeked of sweat and I knew my face was red and flushed and swimming in moisture but I didn’t have the energy to care.
“Hi,” I looked at the door and saw Serena’s head pop round, her long blonde hair falling over one shoulder. She saw Matt and Ivy and walked in with an appraising smile. Oh God. “Hello,” she said with interest and gave Matt a once over with her eyes.
“Hi Serena,” I gave her a quick warning glare to be nice to him. “This is Matt, Matt meet Serena, my work buddy.”
“Hi,” he nodded to her politely and she narrowed her eyes, weighing him up.
“So you’re the baby daddy,” she smirked and he laughed lightly. “Great to meet ‘cha, we were only talking about you before.”
“Serena ...” I tried to shut her up as Ivy tugged at my hair forcefully.
“Yeah?” Matt looked amused and glanced to me. I closed my eyes and groaned.
“Yeah, we need a girls night and I thought it would be awesome if Ivy stayed with you,” she added with a buttery tone and Matt’s face changed momentarily.
“Oh,” he stammered, “right, um ... yes of course.”
“We can talk about it,” I said quickly, “Serena I’ll come and get my bag with you.” I glanced back at Matt and passed Ivy to him, “I’ll just be a minute.”
I linked her arm and pulled her out of the studio to the staff room as she waved to Matt. “He’s delicious,” she whispered as I dragged her to the back of the space to the kitchen area.
“He just lost his wife and is too old, rich and nice for you,” I hissed. “He’s off limits.”
“Oh God he’s way too clean cut for me but he’s perfect for you,” she elbowed me and I shoved her back.
“Please he’s like ten years older than me and way out of my league,” I clipped out angrily at her imagination.
