by Hayley Oakes
She turned to me and furrowed her brows, “you do know you are drop dead gorgeous don’t you?” she speared her dark eyes into mine.
I shook my head and broke her serious glare, “you know I only date wankers,” I laughed and she barked out a laugh as well.
“He’s pretty gorgeous though,” she sighed as we grabbed our bags and I shoved my hoody over my t-shirt and pulled on some sweat pants over my shorts. “I mean if you have to share your kid with someone, he’s easy on the eye at least,” she teased.
“He’s great,” I agreed. “It’s not about looks.” I told her as I left the staff room.
“Let me know when he can have her!” she yelled as I left. “I need my wingman back.”
Matt had started picking me up most Saturdays after having Ivy all day, he’d bought a new car seat for Ivy and she loved it, facing forward was definitely more her style. She was a nosey little thing and liked looking out of the window as the city flashed by.
“So a night out, eh?” Matt glanced over at me as we sat in traffic with a smirk.
“Serena’s idea,” I shrugged, “she’s desperate to get me out.”
“You ready to get back out there?” he teased. It felt weird talking to him about this, we were nothing to each other but equally there were no complications in our happy threesome because neither one of us was in a relationship but one day he’d be ready to find someone new and I’d have to accept that Ivy would be around another woman who would be a mother figure to her. No way would Matt be single forever.
“Out there?” I laughed, “I’m ready for a night out but that’s about it, I’m too tired and busy for a loser boyfriend if that’s what you mean.”
“You don’t have to find a loser,” he watched me seriously and I realised I may have said the wrong thing, my dating history was none of his concern and I didn’t want him to think I would surround Ivy with my crazy.
“Only lunatics and rejects are ever interested in me,” I smirked, “so I’ll be eternally single.”
He nodded, “I doubt that, Pen.” He said gruffly.
Chapter 19 – Matthew
THE MORE TIME I spent with Penny, the more I found her fascinating. I caught titbits of things from her about her life and it had been tough. She had lived with various foster families until she found a more permanent home at twelve and my heart ached for the little girl that she was. I saw she had found people who were like family to her which was great. I saw how determined and talented she was at work. I saw how loving and patient and caring she was with Ivy. I noted how sensitive she was to my situation although the anniversary of Jemma’s death was looming she never once acted like I should be over it when Jemma’s name came up.
Jemma died in late May.
That night we’d had a bad row.
“You are a self absorbed prick!” she spat at me as she stood in the kitchen. I’d been home from the gym half an hour, dumped my sweaty clothes by the washing machine and headed straight upstairs for a shower. I ignored her and moved to the fridge to look for some dinner. Her accent had never been diluted and as she got more agitated it became more pronounced and the words shot out like tiny daggers.
“Can you hear me?” she raged, stepping to where I stood and pushing the fridge door shut, almost trapping my head.
I just glared at her, my stare so cold that it could freeze time, I wish it had.
“I’m doing everything, organising everything, worrying about everything and you just walk round here like I don’t exist and I pick up after you like a maid!” she yelled the last word and closed her eyes, trying to calm her emotions. I did worry, I felt it all but she didn’t know that, she was too focused on the end goal.
“You stopped giving a shit what I thought a long time ago,” I told her fiercely and she let out an almighty scream, screwing her fists into balls and I thought she might hit me. She didn’t.
“I want a divorce,” she added calmly, her dark eyes blinking open as I stood in the light of the open refrigerator. “I hate you.” She uttered, turning on her heels to walk to the kitchen counter and grabbing her handbag.
“Where are you going?” I added like I didn’t care, although my heart was pounding.
“Don’t pretend you give a fuck!” she raged again, walking out of the kitchen and a moment later slamming the front door.
That was the last time I saw my wife alive.
I got to Penny’s place Friday dinner time, after being requested by her friend two weeks before to give her a night off. It hadn’t even entered my head and I felt terrible about that. Of course Penny wanted to let her hair down, meet men, friends, whoever. She was young, I wasn’t sure exactly how old she was but she was a damn sight younger than me and her life was only just getting started. I felt like I’d aged a decade in the past two years and as a widower it felt like my partying days were over.
I still had my best mates, Jeff, Chris and Ben. We had been a tight knit group since school and all moved home after university. Jeff and Chris were married but Ben was single again, he didn’t do too well with long-term. They pestered me to go out and at first I went. I sat at the bar and passed out in the toilets, vomited in clubs when I should have been at home crying. I downed shots, danced with women, shagged a few of them. I partied with them to forget but it didn’t help.
Chris and I played squash every Wednesday. I showed my face at barbeques if they invited me and I responded to text messages but I couldn’t face nights out, not any more. Ivy had saved me, it was strange as I denied her so severely at first but being her dad made me realise that I was going to be okay. I wasn’t going to die from the pain, the guilt, the anger. I wasn’t going to kill myself with drink or jump off a bridge. I was going to be her dad.
Jemma and I became enemies so quickly that back then I never stopped to wonder why, all I had been able to do since her death was wonder why. I loved that woman, I loved her but somehow that became twisted when we stopped communicating, stopped sharing and stopped caring. That ate me up more than the life ahead of me without her, the years of drifting, the months of wordless anger and the carnage of what our life became. Those things haunted me more than the loss of her. I lost her way before the day she died.
I let myself into the bottom door at Penny’s building, nodding to the Iranian plumber from the first floor as he left. I’d got to know a few of her neighbours and although my mum would die if she saw this place it seemed safe enough and the people were friendly.
I knocked lightly on her door and she quickly pulled it open, shit.
Penny wore a bright pink dress that was strapless and fitted to her toned body. She was bare foot and her hair was sticking out at angles but her makeup was done. Black around her eyes made the sapphire in them shine and she looked gorgeous as she held Ivy on her hip.
“Wow, you look great!” I said, she held Ivy and gave me a wry smile as if I were blowing smoke up her arse. “You do!” I confirmed.
“I look like a frantic mum who has tried to get ready between heating food for the baby and trying to stop her crawling into every danger zone in this flat,” she stepped backwards into the flat and I bent to take Ivy as I followed her inside.
I sat down on the faded, grey fabric sofa and turned Ivy to face me on my knee, she laughed as I blew bubbles and said, “dada” whilst splatting my face with sticky hands. Her bag was packed on the sofa and I looked at it, taking a deep breath, I’d be fine. I could handle a night with her.
She slept soundly when I put her down at Penny’s so she would be fine at my house. I kept telling myself that I knew what I was doing. “Can I drop you anywhere?” I shouted through to the bedroom.
“I can get the bus!” she shouted back. I stood with Ivy and walked to the bedroom doorway, seeing her straightening her light, blonde hair with an intense stare through the mirror.
“I’d like to drop you off,” I said seriously, “you might not be safe on your own like that.” I said solemnly.
Her eyes met mine in the mirro
r, disappointed, “are you saying I look cheap?”
“No,” I shook my head frantically, “you look smoking and some idiots might try it on.” I gave her a sad smile. “I just want to make sure you get there safe.”
She smiled at me through the mirror, “should I change?” She looked uncertain.
“No,” I gave her an encouraging smile, “you’re young, you look amazing but guys are dicks and I’d rather you were safely with your friend.”
“I don’t feel that young most days,” she sighed, going back to the hair preparation.
“How old are you, Pen?” I asked, as Ivy slapped the sides of my face.
“Twenty-five,” she said with a tight smile, “twenty-six next week.”
“It’s nearly your birthday?” I gasped, “what date?”
“The ninth,” she said with a shy grin, “the ninth of May but I never really celebrate.”
“You can celebrate tonight then me and Ivy can take you out for dinner next week,” I said turning to Ivy, “you want to take mummy out for her birthday?” I asked her and she giggled.
“Dada,” she said again.
“I’ll drop you Penny,” I said with purpose and she nodded her head.
She came out with some wedges on that made her a lot taller and when her hair was finished it was like soft wafts of gold. Penny was undeniably stunning and still only stood to my shoulder with heels on. “You look gorgeous,” I said with a smile, I’d got Ivy into her coat and already had her baby overnight bag on my shoulder.
“Thanks,” she smiled shyly. She shrugged into a light tan coat and checked herself one last time in the mirror over the fireplace. “Let’s go.”
I drove her to a bar that was near her work and watched as she walked inside. She gave me a quick wave and I waved back with a strange feeling of unease. Penny would not be single forever and I had no doubt that men would be clambering over themselves to get to her at the bar. She was every guy’s wet dream in that dress but I knew that as well as her looks she had compassion, humility, so much love and raw talent like I had never seen before.
As I drove home with my daughter asleep in her car seat in the back, I wondered if I had a small crush on her mum.
We got to my house and it wasn’t the first time that Ivy had been inside. I’d bought her toys and a high chair and other necessities, filled my cupboards with nappies, baby food and wipes. She had napped in the room that Jemma prepared before but never stayed overnight. She was already in her sleepsuit when I picked her up so I just crept upstairs and laid her in the cot and switched on the baby monitor. I watched her for a second and gently touched her cheek with the back of my hand. I’d removed my wedding ring months ago but when I looked at my left hand it still looked strange.
I imagined Ivy sleeping in here if Jemma were still alive and I wondered if that would have healed our fractured lives. I leaned over the cot and rather than sadness for all the things she’d missed I felt grateful for the stuff she’d done.
“She’s here Jem,” I said to no one, “she’s finally here and she loves her cot and she would have loved you.” I uttered.
I still hoped that Jemma would forgive me but I wasn’t a fool, it was something I’d never get. I needed to focus on the only thing that I could do and that was forgiving myself.
I switched out the light, grabbed my phone from my back pocket and texted Penny.
Me: She’s flat out all tucked up in bed and daddy is going to order pizza
I jogged downstairs and grabbed the pizza menu as my phone buzzed and lit up in my hand.
Pen: Great stuff, thanks daddy! Enjoy, I feel squiffy after only one drink :-0
Me: Stay safe and no talking to losers ;-)
I saw the dancing dots as I awaited her reply.
Pen: Will do, see you after work tomorrow J
Me: I’ll pick you up!
Pen: Thanks J
The pizza arrived, I settled in front of the TV and wondered if Penny would meet someone tonight who would sweep her off her feet and give her the better life she deserved. My heart ached at the thought, she should be happy, she shouldn’t have to struggle but any man that spent time with my girls needed to be worthy. I wasn’t sure that anyone would ever be good enough.
Chapter 20 - Jemma
MATT WAS THE ONLY thing that Jemma ever yearned for until she heard the words ... not enough eggs, low oestrogen, thin uterine lining. Eighteen months after their wedding in a grand, regal stately home on a sunny, May day, Jemma heard those words as Matt clenched her hand and Doctor Lin gave them a sympathetic look.
They were twenty-eight and it felt like her world was ending. As a family Social Worker she was surrounded daily by women who spawned babies on an annual basis to undesirable fathers on estates that seemed to breed indifference through the generations. She watched babies taken away at birth, put her arms around teenage girls who found themselves in care and pregnant with nowhere to turn. She saw families who couldn’t care less about another mouth they had to feed and yet her body was cruelly unable to do its most basic job. Reproduce.
Matt talked adoption and fostering but she wanted to try the slim chance that IVF had to offer.
They tried her small reserve of poor quality eggs, they tried donor eggs, they tried again and again and again.
Nothing worked.
They had it all, the big, flashy house that she filled with purchases she spent her weekends pawing over. It was immaculate, cutting edge and she followed all the interior designers on Instagram to keep it a show home. They had the best holidays, Mexico, Barbados, Thailand, Australia. They had taken selfies in front of elephants, waterfalls and four of the seven wonders of the world. She loved Matt, he never once made her feel like it was her fault yet she felt inadequate.
He was satisfied with lying next to her on a secluded beach and holding her hand as they basked in the sunshine. He was satisfied for them to always be Auntie Jem and Uncle Matt to their friend’s kids. He wanted her to be happy and tried his best to follow the next pursuit that she needed.
Every day she saw pregnant women and babies in prams and her heart ached. She yearned to be someone’s mummy and she knew fostering and adoption would get her there eventually but the goal seemed too far away, too much paperwork, too much damage already done to whatever child they might be blessed with.
When she mentioned surrogacy to Matt he dismissed it straight away, too weird, too much of a risk, too much to expect anyone to do. Jemma knew Penny would come through, Jemma knew that Penny wanted to help her and Jemma knew that Penny’s history meant she wanted any child’s life to be so much better than what she had endured.
Matt said no.
Jemma pushed, she pushed and pushed and pushed because she knew that she would always win when it came to her laid-back husband. Eventually.
Jemma knew what she was doing could make or break them but she couldn’t see a moment when it wouldn’t be worth it to hold that tiny life in her hands.
Matt had been the only thing that Jemma ever yearned for ... until the universe told her that she couldn’t have a baby.
Chapter 21 - Nine Months Old
Penny
THE NIGHT OUT WITH Serena reminded me that I needed to have more fun, Serena was a scream. She introduced me to her new man, Jake, he was some hipster dude who wrote poetry, was covered in tattoos, crazy piercings and yet he worked for the prison service. I liked him. He had a group of friends with him who were all really nice, they were all hardened drinkers, ordering shots and buying round after round.
Serena dragged me on the dance floor after a few vodka and cokes, and three jager bombs. She was spinning me around and we laughed so hard my stomach ached, she hugged me to her and told me how much she loved me and I hugged her back.
Jake cut in on the dance floor and I took the time to have a breather, leaning on a nearby ledge with my drink and watching as he kissed her like his life depended in it. I wasn’t sure anybody had ever kissed me like that, I wasn’t sure th
at any man I had dated adored me the way Jake seemed to adore Serena.
“Hi,” I turned to see one of Jake’s friends, Lachlan, leaning next to me, “you need a top up?” he nodded to my drink.
“Nah,” I stumbled slightly and he caught me, “I’ve had enough.” I smiled.
“How about you give me your number and I take you out some time?” he asked, not wasting his words.
I smirked and scoped him out, he was taller than me, broad shouldered with a shaved head but a cute smile. “I don’t have time to date,” I told him, “I have a daughter.” I shouted over the noise.
“I love kids,” he shrugged. “Just one date?” he stuck his bottom lip out and I grinned at the goofy face he made.
“Okay,” I reached in my bag to get my phone and opened the screen to get his number then noticed I had some messages from Matt. Before I could read them he took the phone, keyed his number in and then called himself.
I laughed at his boldness and he handed the phone back to me, leaning into kiss me lightly on the cheek. I opened it up again and read the messages.
Matt: I have no idea how you do this, I keep checking on her every five minutes.
Matt: Going to bed now, she’s still fast asleep, have a great night.
Matt: Can’t sleep ... you in yet?
The last one was sent only five minutes before, I smiled up at Lachlan, “I’m just gonna reply to this.” I held my phone up and he nodded.
“I’ll go get a drink,” he walked off towards the bar.
Me: Still out, Serena is kissing her new boy on the dance floor, my feet are hurting and I’m ready for home. You asleep yet?
I stared down at the phone for a second, not seeing the dancing dots of reply and assuming he must have dozed off. Just as I was putting it away the phone lit up with a message.
Matt: Dirty stop out ;-) Have fun, see you tomorrow.
I smiled at my phone, I missed Ivy, it was great to get out but I missed being the one at home making sure she was safe and answering her cries if she woke up. I’d definitely had enough to drink and had work the next day. Serena was still smooching on the dance floor, so I walked over and told her I was leaving.
