by Hayley Oakes
I picked her up and Matt got the nappy bag, leading us out of the pub to the car. We were staying at my flat and so when we got back, I changed Ivy into her pyjamas and read her a bedtime story, bypassing the trauma of an overtired baby and a bath.
“Happy birthday my sweet girl,” I said, kissing her as she laid back to go to sleep, “you are the best present mummy didn’t know she was gonna get.”
When I walked back into the lounge Matt was already settled on the sofa, he put his arm out for me to tuck underneath it and I complied. He wrapped me in his warmth and kissed my head, “what’s been troubling you tonight?” he uttered.
I shook my head, “nothing.”
“Let’s do a deal, I get to ask questions and every time I get close to the issue you have to kiss me in a different place,” he said softly, so close to my ear that it gave me chills. “If I’m nowhere near the issue I kiss you.”
“This sounds like a great deal for you,” I laughed.
He wiggled his eyebrows, “right, okay let’s get started. So today reminds you of me not wanting Ivy?”
I sighed, “not it.”
“Wow, so you’re worried about meeting everyone at the weekend?” he moved some hair over my shoulder and kissed my neck.
“That worries me but tonight was different,” I sighed.
“You think I’m hideous and you want to break up?” he said, moving my vest top down my arm to get better access to kiss my shoulder.
I groaned, “I just .... I feel like I’m not Ivy’s proper mum and I see real families and it feels like we’re ... not.” He’d somehow managed to get me to blurt it all out by just kissing my shoulder and now I felt stupid.
“Of course you’re her proper mum,” he stopped kissing me and turned me to face him, his dark, blue steely eyes looking at me with concern, “you carried her, gave birth to her and you’ve done everything for her since she was born, you are one hundred percent her mum.”
“But I wasn’t supposed to be,” I covered my eyes with my hands, “it just feels like one day she’ll know or because it wasn’t supposed to be like this that people judge me and ...”
He pulled my hands away, “you always feel like this?” he asked.
I shrugged, “no, sometimes but not usually, yet today ...” I couldn’t go on.
He pulled me into a hug and held me to his chest, “you are her mummy and even if one day you decide to tell her the story then guess what? You loved her when you didn’t have to, you protected her when you could have walked away, you have been there through every single breath she’s taken and she is looking more and more like you every day, she belongs to you and she will love you for it.” His voice broke a little, “I walked away, I let you down and I struggle when I look at you two with that decision, I struggle with the choices I made that meant you had to step up but it’s done.”
“You were grieving,” I said, holding his hands that were wrapped tightly around me, “everyone understood.”
“My parents didn’t,” he added hoarsely, “they were furious, Jemma’s parents had no idea of our plans and so they are still none the wiser and I know one day I have to face up to that too.”
“It’s a mess,” I sighed, “I love being her mummy but I just wish I didn’t feel ... unworthy.”
“Pen, don’t ever tell me you’re not worthy, I hate to hear that, you’re more than worthy. I’m the fuck up here,” he kissed my head, “I don’t deserve what you’ve given me.”
“She’s your daughter Matt, I’d never keep her from you.”
“I mean you both, Pen. I don’t deserve this happiness ” his eyes were glassy with unshed tears.
“You didn’t deserve to lose your wife, Matt, why can’t you be happy?”
He let out a huge breath, “because I made her last few months a misery,” he squeezed me tighter and stroked my hair, “I made her miserable and I made her hate me and I wonder if I can ever forgive myself for that.”
I didn’t know how to respond, he’d never discussed their marriage before and I felt that the more I knew, the more we had the capacity to fall apart and the day had been emotional enough as it was. “I’ve learnt that often things are never as bad as we blame ourselves for.” I uttered. Over the years I’d blamed myself for every damned thing that meant I was on my own but the reality was that decisions were made that led me down a path that at times seemed unrecoverable.
I made it, I was alive and not following in my mother’s footsteps.
It wasn’t as bad as I thought.
“Tell me when you feel like shit Penny,” he gruffed out, “I want to know.”
I nodded, “you too.” I lifted his hands and kissed them as he held me in front of him, his warmth and comfort was all I needed to feel better.
Chapter 31 – Matthew
IVY’S PARTY HAD TURNED into a circus. I’d bought all the food and my mum turned up first thing Saturday to help prepare it. Penny and Ivy had stayed the night before and luckily we were dressed before she barged in at nine am with her apron and a bottle of Chardonay that was going to take the edge off the stress. Dad followed dutifully behind with a box of her things and she trilled instructions at him, he looked happy to be sent to the shop for more provisions around ten.
My immediate family, my close friends, my mum’s twin sister, Aunt Magnolia and her husband plus Penny’s work friends were all due to make an appearance. Between Jeff, Chris and Ben, six children were coming, Ben was now dating a single mum and Jeff and Chris had five between them. My cousin Sheena, lived in Australia so Aunt Magnolia didn’t extend the invite further ... thank God.
The bouncy castle arrived, we watched as it inflated and Dad made sure the barbeque was nowhere near it. Since Penny and I had had our deep and meaningful on Ivy’s birthday I felt like I needed to watch her for any signs of panic. She seemed alright, she helped my mum make sandwiches and they talked easily about shit while I decorated the house with balloons and later ran out to pick up more beer.
I’d told Penny about how I made Jemma suffer and she hadn’t batted an eyelid, either she didn’t care or she had no idea what to make of my omission. I had a feeling that it was the latter, I guess what we’d both done in the past didn’t matter and maybe I should have kept it to myself.
“Are we putting all the glasses out for people just to grab?” Mum asked, with her pink Head Chef apron on, Dad had a similar one that was blue and read Sleeping with the Head Chef. Give me strength. Luckily he wasn’t wearing it ... yet.
“I suppose,” I shrugged, “you’re the party expert.” I told her.
She narrowed her eyes at me, “just trying not to take over.”
“First for everything,” I grinned. Dad had Ivy outside and they were walking the perimeter of the garden, she wasn’t taking steps unaided yet but she could stand on her own for a few seconds and holding hands she liked to walk everywhere. Penny was putting napkins between paper plates, she looked beautiful. She had been ravished that morning but only I knew that. She was wearing a demin shirt dress, that had a tan coloured belt and matching tan wedges. Her hair was down and fell softly around her face, it was silky and had a slight kink to it. She was tanned from all the walking her and Ivy did in the London sunshine. She turned as my eyes blazed into her and smiled when she saw me looking.
In any other circumstances I would march over, pin her to the counter top and kiss her but with my parents around that didn’t feel quite right.
“Need help?” I asked Penny, I saw Mum move to the fridge to carry on doing what she wanted, the question before had just been a rouse to get carte blanche on the whole party.
“I’m fine,” she grinned, “I think we’re almost ready.”
I walked to where she stood and leaned backwards on the counter crossing my arms, she looked up at me with a smirk and we shared a private moment where she knew I wanted to grab her and we both knew I couldn’t.
“Now you’re just doing nothing,” Mum said, turning back from the fridge to see me
leaning.
“I’m going outside to help Dad,” I grimaced at Mum and left, patting Penny’s hand as I did.
“Well he’s doing nothing either,” Mum mumbled. I rolled my eyes at Penny and she just laughed.
“I’ll make a coffee,” Penny said walking away from her job as I moved to go outside, “Adrienne?” she asked mum.
“Yes please dear, very helpful,” Mum gave me a stare and I laughed as I walked outside.
People started arriving around lunch time. My Aunt Magnolia was the first and arrived before the allotted time. My mum and her twin sister were not identical twins but they seemed to have the same brain, the same mannerisms and the same views on everything. They constantly bickered, slagged each other off and then would give anyone who dared to join in the slagging off a death stare. Growing up it was confusing and fascinating all at the same time.
“Come here,” Magnolia said walking towards me as I held Ivy, I assumed I was getting a hug but instead she took Ivy off me.
“Do you think she looks like me Mags?” Mum asked from behind as I was tackled for my daughter and Uncle Bernard stood behind with a huge wrapped gift that he looked uncomfortable carrying. Bernard was her third husband and the most long-suffering in my opinion.
Aunt Magnolia held Ivy up in the air and looked at her intently, then smiled, “no she looks like herself, you looked like a potato at this age.” Magnolia sniffed and Mum made a mock hurt sound from behind her.
“You’re jealous because I got the looks and you got a double crown,” Mum tittered, walking through to the kitchen, “cup of tea?”
Magnolia followed her holding Ivy, “I got the looks and the personality, you got the Foreman wide hips.” Foreman was their maiden name. “You got nothing stronger Aid?”
“Wine?” Mum asked, turning back to face her sister, “hello baby!” Mum said to Ivy and Ivy giggled.
“Ooo yeah, wine.” Magnolia hummed and Mum smiled. Best friends again.
We were used to the twin craziness but Penny stood a little behind me, taking it all in, “and you must be the ... mother?” Magnolia rested her eyes on Penny and I was hoping she had been warned by Mum not to be blunt.
“Yes,” Penny said, setting her shoulders back and stepping forward, she held her hand out, “Penny.” She told her.
“Penny,” Magnolia smiled and Ivy reached forward to her mummy with a slight whinge at that point so she handed her over, “you are quite beautiful.” Magnolia assessed her and I moved to put my arm around her, in a quick show of solidarity.
“Shall we open the present?” I asked quickly and Bernard gave a quick nod.
“Yes please,” he said swiftly, “it weighs a bloody tonne.”
Slowly but surely more and more people arrived. My sisters came together and there was already an argument about Lydia being late because of the horse and Ellen threatened to serve it on toast at Christmas. My brother-in-law had to work and Ellen was also furious about that so Lydia took the brunt of her anger, poor girl.
My mum was in her element. When Penny’s work friends arrived she looked relieved to have some people there. My mates arrived with wives and girlfriends and the beer and wine started flowing. The kids loved the bouncy castle, Dad managed to keep the barbeque going and we only had one disaster where he forgot about some lamb chops and they came out half an hour after everything else. Mum gave him one of her famous it’s OK smiles that meant it would be mentioned at every subsequent barbeque for the next few years.
Penny stayed with Gail and Serena, I introduced her to my friends but they were already a well oiled machine and so she only stayed chatting for a short time.
“Penny seems nice,” Claire said as she sat with one of her boys on her knee, sweaty from bouncing and drinking juice.
“She is,” I smiled.
“You tappin’ that?” Ben asked and he got a swift elbow from his new girlfriend, Gill.
“Ben!” Chris scolded.
“Well,” Ben looked around for solidarity, “she’s bloody gorgeous and he’s all gushy about her.”
“Inappropriate,” Claire shook her head and glared at Ben.
“I thought we all knew I was the inappropriate one?” Ben shrugged and stared at everyone.
“We’re close,” I said meaning me and Penny, I grinned and he winked then nodded.
“Gotcha,” he added and I shook my head.
“We’ll grab a beer one night?” I offered.
“Thank the Lord,” Ben laughed, “we’ve been trying to get you to grab a beer for months.”
“I’ve been busy,” I laughed, sipping my bottle of Corona.
“I can see that,” Ben grinned and nodded towards where Penny stood.
“For God’s sake Ben, he’s been through hell, leave it!” Jeff snapped and Ben grinned.
“Alright,” he held his hands up, “topic change coming up.”
Later I walked to where Penny was holding Ivy and chatting to Gail and Jim, Serena had left earlier when her boyfriend picked her up. “Hi,” I smiled, sliding my arm around her waist as the alcohol had relaxed me a little.
“Hi Matt,” Gail gave me a tight smile and Penny rocked away from me gently so I let her loose. “Great weather for it,” she added.
“I know we’ve been lucky,” I glanced down to Penny and she gave me a smile, “it’ll probably rain tomorrow.”
“Great party,” Jim said, toasting me with his bottle of beer.
“Thanks, you okay Pen?” I asked her and she nodded. Ivy had been passed around from pillar to post but was currently cuddled into Penny’s shoulder as she rocked her lightly.
“Great,” she said with a grin and I bent to kiss Ivy’s head. My friends were lingering and laughing, my sisters were talking like they hadn’t arrived screaming and my dad and Bernard had holed themselves off by the barbeque smoking cigars and sharing stories like they always did in their own support group called the ‘life with twins’.
I cleared a few plates and walked back inside to the kitchen. Mum was washing up some stuff at the sink. “Hi,” I smiled to her, “thanks for today.”
“You’re welcome,” she dried her hands and reached to me for a hug, I hugged her and exhaled a deep breath.
“Thanks for everything mum,” I said as I still held her and she knew what I meant, she knew how much I’d needed them the past year or so and how far I’d come.
She pulled back and placed her hands on my face, “always.” She nodded.
“Thanks,” I moved to the fridge to get another beer.
“You know it’s obvious to everyone out there that something’s going on with you and Penny,” she drew out and I stilled. “So is it serious?”
I sighed, “Does it have to be? Can’t we just be having fun?”
She walked towards me and stepped in front of me closing the fridge door, “Matt, I love you so much,” she gave me a sad smile, “and I’m always on your side,” she poked my chest, “but just be aware that from now on you have your own child to consider and you are seeing someone who is used to having no one and nothing and has had a tough start in life and ...”
“I know,” I bent to whisper a little more harshly than I should have, “I like her and I wouldn’t hurt her...”
“You wouldn’t mean to,” she said, her face serious and her eyes watching mine with concern, “but you just lost the one girl that meant the world to you for the past fifteen years, Penny was there when you needed to feel better and to feel something and it’s so convenient with Ivy and everything. I just want you to take a step back, before things get too serious, for you to consider if Penny is what you want? Or is this life, settled with your child what you want and Penny is easy?”
I swallowed hard and glared at her, “I don’t need to decide anything right now.”
“That girl,” she pointed to the garden, “looks at you like you are her world, you and Ivy, she has never had a family and here you are giving her everything she ever wanted and she is falling in love with you, so y
ou have a responsibility to make sure for her and your daughter’s sake that you’re not gonna wake up in a few months time and realise that she isn’t what you want and she was only helping you get over losing your wife.”
I glared at her, “You have no idea what it feels like to lose someone you love,” my voice croaked, “someone you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with, who you needed to breathe and who was your partner in every way.”
She nodded solemnly, “I don’t.”
“So don’t lecture me on how to move on,” I growled.
“Don’t make someone else pretend to be her, Matt,” she said, placing her hand on my arm and I shrugged it off, “don’t entice someone in and let them fill a role, get over your loss and then move on.”
“I’m trying,” I ground out.
“Every time you hurt, I hurt,” she smiled, her voice broke with emotion and tears filled her eyes, “I loved Jemma too.”
“I know,” I softened to her and then pulled her into a hug.
“I miss her,” I sighed, “but I can’t be alone forever.”
“I don’t want that either,” mum said into my chest, “but I also don’t want you to break that poor girl’s heart and then lose your daughter due to a bad break up.”
“Penny would never do that,” I said.
“Don’t rush into anything.” She added and my heart started to hurt and my head started to whir. I looked out the window to see Penny talking to Gail and Jim and I realised my mum had some valid points but I feared I was too selfish to actually process them.
Chapter 32 - Jemma
LIFE HAD BEEN CRUEL the past few years. She’d found the love of her life, her best friend, her soul mate but they hadn’t been able to have the gorgeous babies she’d planned. She’d filled her life with work, gym classes, friend’s birthdays and decorating her house. Her friends were getting younger and younger as she needed women who didn’t have kids to surround herself with. Drinking numbed the pain and so did late nights clubbing with her friends. Her and Matt were at odds, she hated that.
