by Hayley Oakes
More and more he was at the gym and then when he came home she was on her way out. They ate less together, they partied less together, they went to dinner with friends less together. They hadn’t made mad, passionate love for so long that she wondered if they ever would again. It felt forced, the baby making had put paid to sex for fun and they were struggling to get that back.
She knew he looked at her like he didn’t recognise her anymore. She was thinner than she’d ever been, she was having her eyebrows, eyelashes and nails done in a cycle of trying to love the woman she saw in the mirror. She’d had laser hair removal on her forehead and fat freezing that had cost a fortune and didn’t do anything. She had become the person who desperately wanted to love herself but couldn’t.
Everyone said she looked great, everyone wanted the latest coat that she’d paid two grand for, everyone loved her cherry red Range Rover Evoque. Everyone wanted to be Mrs Jemma Larson, everyone except Jemma. The only thing she wanted was a baby.
She didn’t tell him her plans anymore, he didn’t expect her to be home. He enjoyed his boxsets and she had no idea what shows he even watched. Matt slept in the spare room every time they argued and that was getting more and more.
She still fancied the pants off him, she still thought he was the most beautiful man she had ever seen but she had no idea how to change the way he looked at her. With repulsion. She hated herself for convincing Penny to be her surrogate, for laying the foundations so well that the poor girl felt obliged to help. She hated herself for the fact that she knew it would be her salvation, the baby would make everything alright again.
She didn’t mean to have so much fun with the younger man in the office, she didn’t mean to kiss him at the boss’ retirement party. She didn’t mean to let him remind her exactly how it felt to be young and crazy and carefree. He told her she was beautiful, he told her she was sexy, he told her he dreamed about having her and ran his hand up her naked thigh. Her marriage was failing and she needed to feel something, anything to ward off the numbness. She didn’t sleep with him, the night she died she’d wanted to.
She met him at a pub an hour away from home, so no one would see them.
They talked and kissed and he grazed her face gently with the back of his hand. All night she tried not to think about the words she’d spat at Matt as she left, I want a divorce. She’d tried to focus on the gorgeous twenty-two year old hard-bodied, man-child who whispered how much he wanted to pound her into next week and taste her pussy. She shuddered with need at his words but she knew everything he made her feel was only a small part of how Matt had made her feel fifteen years before.
She kissed her colleague and apologised. She told him she couldn’t meet him again and left.
She drove through the twilight rain to get home, she knew she had to say sorry to Matt, tell him she wanted to make everything right, wanted to fight for their marriage.
She stopped at the side of the road, unable to drive any further as the tears began to fall for what she’d done and her body shook as she became overwhelmed with sadness for her behaviour. She took off her seatbelt and reached into the passenger footwell for her phone in her bag.
It was dark, she opened up her phone.
She didn’t have her hazards on and the streetlights weren’t bright enough.
She wrote his name in the search box and wiped away the tears.
Cars flew past at forty miles per hour but she didn’t notice them as she typed I love you into the message.
She stared at it for a long time and was about to click to send.
Then it hit, the drunk driver had been barrelling at more than forty. It had gained speed and overtaken various other drivers who said, in statements later, that he was driving like an idiot.
He hit Jemma at almost sixty.
Her car jerked forward with such a force that it threw her out of her seat. It all happened so quickly that she didn’t have time to send her message or gauge what was happening.
Moments later her car lay crumpled upside down on the other side of the road and she lay dead thrown yards from the wreckage, her face smeared in makeup from her tears. The rain gently falling onto her delicate, distorted body.
In that moment she would never be someone’s wife again.
She would never be a mother.
In that moment she had known she wanted to be Matt’s wife more than anything in the world but when the police officer turned up at his door he still thought she wanted a divorce.
Chapter 33 - Twelve Months Old
Penny
AFTER THE PARTY WE cleaned up but Matt’s mum had finished most of it. Everyone was gone by seven and I wiped the counter as Matt finally said goodbye to his parents. It’d been a long day and it was exhausting being around so many people when I felt like I couldn’t relax. Thank God for Gail coming to the party, otherwise I would have most likely hidden in the downstairs toilet. Matt reappeared in the kitchen, “finally gone,” he sighed.
Ivy was playing on the floor with her new toys and I smiled, “busy day.” I walked to where Ivy was sitting, “better get her in the bath.”
He followed me to where I picked her up off the floor, “you hungry?” he asked, placing his hands on my shoulders and giving me a gentle squeeze.
“No,” I shook my head, “I’m good.”
“Okay,” he made himself a drink and I took Ivy upstairs and bathed her. She was tired from the busy day and although she’d napped on and off it wasn’t as long as she usually had. She didn’t splash as much in the bath.
“Busy day baby?” I said, rubbing her head and watching her play.
Once I’d got her out, I walked downstairs with her and found Matt asleep on the sofa with the TV blaring. I smiled to myself at his peaceful face and went back to the kitchen.
“Daddy is sleeping,” I told Ivy, “so we’ll have your bottle and get to bed, huh?”
I got her milk from the fridge, took the edge off it in the microwave, shook it and went upstairs. We curled up in her room on the glider chair and I cuddled her to me, reading her a story and rocking her to sleep. I laid my head back on the chair as I rocked her and held her tightly, humming, enjoying her warm body close to me.
“Pen,” I heard my name being whispered softly and blinked my eyes open, Matt was crouched by the side of the rocker and I’d fallen asleep. “Hi,” he smiled.
He lifted Ivy out of my arms and placed her in her cot. I stood, rubbed my eyes and followed looking down on her with awe. She was so beautiful in her sleep and such a good girl, my heart ached with how much love I had for her. That part of my heart had never been alive until I met her.
“What time is it?” I asked.
“Eight,” he bent to rub Ivy’s head gently, “you want to eat or watch TV in bed?”
“Bed,” I nodded and he took my hand, led me to his bedroom and we watched TV curled in each others’ arms. It was bliss, it was perfect and I was so scared that it wouldn’t last.
The following week we went about our usual routine, I spent the days with Ivy and taught late afternoon and nights. I still used my child minder for the after school classes and collected Ivy after they were done around six if Matt hadn’t collected her first.
It was the way our life had been the past few months and although Ivy was getting bigger and my flat felt even smaller with the three of us in it, I felt a sense of calm and happiness.
The Wednesday after the party Matt seemed quiet, he’d been less in contact by text during the day but I still sent a picture of Ivy to him when she did silly stuff. He was quiet on the Tuesday before my class but I assumed he was tired and tried not to panic. I knew something was wrong on the Wednesday when he suggested he go home after Ivy went to bed, I tried to ignore it and bury it but then I needed to know. I hadn’t reached where I had in my life without confronting things head on. I didn’t like to be in the dark and even though I could be secretive and maybe passive in some areas, I could stick up for myself and I wouldn’t be made to
feel awkward.
“What’s going on?” I asked him as he stood to put his coat on.
“Nothing,” he shook his head with a dazzling smile, “I’ve got an early start.”
I nodded but didn’t meet his eye, “don’t give me the nice guy act Matt, just tell me.” I narrowed my eyes and looked up to him with a glare.
“Nice guy?” he laughed nervously and ran his hand through his hair, looking away from me.
“Yeah,” I groaned, “out with it.”
“I just need some time to think,” he said quietly.
“About?” I pushed.
“Us,” he admitted and his eyes met mine, giving me a tight smile. I nodded my head, of course he did, my heart clenched and my stomach ached. Of course he wasn’t sure about us.
I didn’t say anything.
“It’s just,” he crouched down in front of me, “you’ve had such a tough life and nothing and no one and you need someone who is dedicated to you.”
I sucked in a harsh breath but kept my emotions in check, watching as he spoke but my back becoming more rigid. He placed a large, warm hand on mine and I just stared at it.
“My mum spoke to me and ...”
“Your mum,” I whispered, repeating his words and the thoughts of what she would have said about someone like me chased through my brain.
“Yeah,” he drew out the word, “I just ... my life blew off course when I lost Jemma and you two saved me and I’ve loved every minute of what we have but I need to be sure that I’m not stringing you along because you deserve me to be dedicated to you and not here because of Ivy or because I’m .... lost.”
I nodded my head again slowly and pulled my hand from under his, “good idea.” I jumped up and walked to the kitchen to get away from him and keep my emotions in check but he followed me.
“I don’t want to be another let down in your life,” he whispered, I could feel him standing behind me. “Say something,” he urged.
I turned, “you,” I pointed to him, “were the only person who didn’t treat me like some kid who’d been in care, you were the only one in my whole life who didn’t look at me with a formed opinion of who I was because of my past.” I held my head high and didn’t let tears fall but my voice betrayed me and croaked a little, “now that’s the reason why you’re walking away because I deserve someone who treats me like I should be handled with care!” I spat the last bit. “Just go!” I said quietly, dropping my head.
“No,” he stepped forward, “I don’t want to fall out but I owe it to us to ...”
“There’s no us Matt,” I laughed harshly and then the tears began to fall, “people like us don’t make it, you with your rich family and happy life. You don’t belong with a girl whose mum didn’t love her, who was shoved from pillar to post and doesn’t even own more than one TV.”
“Penny, it’s not about money,” he shook his head looking concerned.
“No,” I glared at him, “it’s not, it’s about you having everything and me having nothing and how they can never even compare, I’m just a fuck up and your family know that. Good enough to produce the child but not good enough to raise it with.” I bit out.
“Penny, stop!” he yelled.
“No, no I won’t stop because it was fine to come here and be with me when sex was all it was and guess what Matt? That’s all I ever expected, I didn’t expect you ride me away on a white horse or marry me or even come to my competition or throw a party with me. I didn’t think any of that would ever happen but you drew me in and now it hurts even more, I’m an idiot.” I turned away from him and wiped my tears, marched to the sink and leaned on it.
He came up behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders, “you’re not an idiot Penny and I wanted everything we did together and I still want that, so much,” he sighed, “but I need to think about everything and decide why I want it and whether it’s fair to you.”
“Just go home,” I said calmly, “let’s just forget this ever happened, you’ll find someone like you and I’ll just be Ivy’s mum. Let’s not pretend this can go anywhere.”
“You were never some girl who’d grown up in care to me Pen, you’re strong and beautiful and talented.” He tried to hug me but I pushed him off and turned around.
“I’m damaged, broken and qualified to be nothing ... not even a Mum!” I shook my head and pushed him but his strong body didn’t budge. “Go!” I yelled.
He looked at me sadly and swallowed his emotion, his mouth turned down and tears filled his eyes, “I can’t leave you upset.”
“I want you out,” I said again.
He nodded and turned to walk to the door, I heard it shut behind him and I dropped to the floor letting the sobs take hold of me. I was a fool to even let him in, a fool to even believe that he wanted more than sex with me. How would we have made a relationship work long-term? We were too different and I brought nothing to the table. He’d confused what he wanted with what he needed and his mum had set him straight. I knew this would happen and that his buttery words after drinking would come to nothing but it still hurt. Jealousy had driven our first time and he was scared to lose the easy lifestyle we had with Ivy, that’s why he’d made his move.
He didn’t want me, he wanted Ivy’s mum and that was ... Jemma.
I wiped my tears, I would only allow myself to grieve this once. It was my bad, my mistake and another life lesson learnt. After everything I still trusted too easy. This would not be the end, this would not be the last chance for me to be happy. I still had hope and I had known from the very beginning that he was an outside chance.
I barely slept that night, everything running through my mind and I scolded myself at the ease at which he drew me in.
The next day I woke up with Ivy as usual, we went to baby group and I didn’t show to anyone that I was even bothered by the events from the night before. No one would be any the wiser. No one would have a single idea that my heart had been mangled once again.
He text to make sure he was still coming to sit for Ivy whilst I was teaching yoga.
Yes I responded simply. Long-term we’d need to figure something out but for now it took all my energy to remain calm.
He arrived after six as usual, I’d made curry and left some on the side for him.
When I opened the door my heart stuttered as he looked like shit, I had the benefit of makeup. I didn’t acknowledge how he looked or our chat from the night before, the fact that he knocked when he had a key said it all.
Ivy was excited to see him, “dadda,” she said, pulling herself up on the sofa and making her way towards him.
“Right,” I grabbed my bag, bent to kiss her and nodded to him, “see you in a bit.”
“Bye,” he added defeated and I left. He knew I didn’t need to leave until six thirty but I think he also knew I needed to get out of there.
I taught my class, it chilled me out and I laughed and chatted with my regulars just as I usually did. When I got back he lingered on the sofa but I left him there and made a drink in the kitchen.
“So,” he leaned on the doorframe, “is this how it’s gonna be now?” he asked gruffly.
I blinked and looked up at him impassively, “until I can arrange something different.” I said.
“Like?” his face became hardened and his eyes narrowed.
“I think we need to arrange custody so that we’re not in each other’s space,” I swallowed hard, “maybe every other weekend and one week night?”
“You don’t want me in your flat?” he asked harshly.
“I don’t want you in my life,” I added calmly and he blew out a breath and rubbed his head.
“I think we both need time to ...” he started.
“And space,” I said quickly, “I need space.”
He nodded and stepped back, “I’ll collect her Saturday morning.”
I nodded back and then he was gone.
Chapter 34 - Matthew
I HAD ROYALLY FUCKED up.
I knew wh
at my mum was saying and I thought I was doing the right thing, turns out I can’t do the right thing even if I try. Penny was totally different to anyone I’d ever met but she was right, to me she wasn’t just some foster kid who needed help, she was Ivy’s mum. I liked her for reasons that didn’t have to do with Ivy and I cared about her because of Ivy. I was confused. I was back to being by myself and seeing Penny was tough because looking at her made it harder. She looked normal, happy, together and I guessed she had a much better rehearsed survival mode than me.
The weeks after I told her I wanted to think, the decision was made for me. She cut off our Sunday family day, we’d had brunch at the same cafe for months and we always took Ivy somewhere together but she decided that wasn’t for the best.
I had Ivy Saturday in the day and overnight then overnight Tuesdays. Penny picked her up from my mum Wednesday mornings and she had managed to find a sitter for her Thursday night class. We didn’t text unless we had to and I didn’t call.
She was right to cut me off, she was right to lose all trust for me because I’d instigated everything and suddenly had a crisis of confidence. She’d probably had to protect herself from so many rejections that what we had didn’t even register in the top ten. She was one hundred percent in my top ten. I felt broken and lonely.
I was surprised a couple of weeks later when I was at work to see her call, I was worried it was an emergency with Ivy. “Hello?” I answered quickly.
“Hi,” she said.
“Everything okay?” I asked, concern lacing my voice.
“Yes,” she said quickly, “nothing is wrong I just wanted to um tell you something.”
My heart dropped, thudded, shit was she seeing someone? “Okay,” I said.
“Ivy and I are going away for a week,” she said, “so I thought I better ring and tell you rather than just text.”
