Missy DeMeanor Cozy Mysteries Boxset

by Brianna Bates

  Today she decided to try a different tack. “Nor, I’m comfortable with my body and myself. I want to lose weight to get healthier, not because I’m trying to whittle my belly down to a six-pack.”

  It would take more than whittling, but Missy knew Noreen wouldn’t split hairs.

  “Oh. Well, that’s a good idea.” Noreen’s voice was tentative. “I mean, if that’s why you’re doing it. Not because of how you look. I mean, Missy, you’re totally hot.”

  Missy shook her head. Everywhere they went, all the men drooled over Noreen who was pretty, petite, and slim. If any guys showed a passing interest in Missy, it was just her catching Noreen’s shrapnel.

  “So I have a favor to ask,” Missy said.

  She could hear Noreen rolling her eyes. “Aren’t we square yet?”

  Missy faux-cackled. “My dear, Noreen, my best friend, if you’ll recall, only a few short months ago I saved you from the gas chamber.”

  “The prosecutor didn’t plan to ask for the death penalty, so you’re being dramatic.”

  A few short months ago, Noreen had been the prime suspect in Anne Baxter’s death. With all the evidence pointing at her best friend, Missy had stubbornly refused to believe Noreen could physically hurt anybody, let alone murder them. Through sheer determination and a little luck, Missy had identified the real killer and saved Noreen from going to prison.

  “Minor details,” Missy said. “I need a wing chick.”

  Noreen’s voice went up an octave. “You’re going to the bar again tonight?”

  “No. I’m going to try that—”

  Noreen groaned halfway through her sentence. “Don’t say it.”

  “—that Diet Club.”

  Noreen lowered her voice. “First rule of Diet Club.”

  Missy laughed. “There is no Diet Club.”

  “Miss, I need to be invited. I can’t just go. They’ll take me out back and kill me and bury my body somewhere.”

  Missy laughed. “No, all I’m asking you to do is keep my honest. I have to check in with you every day about progress.”

  “That’s all? And then we’re square?”

  “Somehow I don’t think saving you from the gas chamber is the same thing as you agreeing to talk to me about my progress for a couple minutes every day.”

  ***

  The Diet Club was invite-only, was incredibly secretive, and required members to complete a non-disclosure agreement whereby they could never, ever tell non-members the identities of the members, and where members had to get permission from a supermajority of the other members to invite in somebody new. There was one other rule: no men were allowed.

  Missy’s old friend from grade school, Karen Wise, had invited her to join but for months Missy had politely declined, preferring instead to attack her weight through the insanity of WiredFit’s workouts of the day. And also, from what Karen told her, the Diet Club was this mysterious place that almost sounded like a cult.

  Missy hadn't actually seen the movie Eyes Wide Shut, but still she figured the super secretive Diet Club would look and feel much like the strange anonymous sex cult had in that film.

  She pulled into the long, curving driveway that led to what could only be called the estate, a tall, broad white home with two big pillars out front. She was a few minutes early for the meeting scheduled to start at eight, and the sun was just beginning to set.

  There were at least fifteen cars clogging the driveway already, and she could only get a spot about halfway down. She managed to fit her old, puttering truck off to the side of the driveway but didn't turn off the engine.

  She didn't know exactly what went on at these meetings, though her old friend Karen swore by them. Over the years Missy had tried other diet clubs, spending as much as six months in one. It was the same story every time: good results came early and often first, a strong support network kept you motivated for a little bit, but then inevitably life intruded in all its small, all-consuming ways. Those initial results disappeared slowly but steadily and before she knew it she was back to square one.

  She took out her phone. Noreen answered right away.

  "Are you still alive?"

  Missy laughed. "Yes. But I just wanted you to know I'm about to go in. So if you never hear from me again, you'll know what happened."

  "At least send me the address."

  Missy laughed again, but not as hard. It was a little weird she couldn't share the address. "They swore me to secrecy."

  "You know this is how all horror movies start, right? A lone woman ends up in a secluded, mysterious place with bad cell phone reception."

  Missy pulled the phone away from her ear, and sure enough, she only had one bar lit up on her phone. Noreen was right.

  "I'll be fine. There are fifteen other cars here."

  "Is Karen there?"

  Missy heard a beep. "Speak of the devil."

  "And she shall appear."

  "Talk to you later." Missy disconnected with Noreen and answered the incoming call from Karen. "Hey, Care Bear."

  "Hey, Missy Sissy."

  Missy smiled. "I have not heard that nickname in over twenty-five years."

  Karen chuckled. "I haven't said that nickname in over twenty-five years."

  Missy couldn't help but go back in time to science class in third grade, where Mr. Blaylock had kept several terrariums of creatures, mostly insects and snakes. One time he'd taken the snake out to allow the kids to feel its skin. Missy had worked up the nerve to touch the snake's back but then had gotten light-headed and literally fainted. One of the nastier girls in school had taken to calling her Missy Sissy, until Missy, having had enough of her taunts, challenged her on the playground. Their girl-fight was mostly windmilling arms and hair-pulling, but all the same Missy had emerged victorious before the teacher aides had separated them. After that day, nobody called her Missy Sissy, except for Karen in what they would later call an "ironic" way.

  "I'm here," Karen said. "Where are you?"

  Out of the corner of her eye, Missy saw a shape move in the deepening gloom right next to her truck and shrieked.

  "Oh," Karen said. "There you are."

  Missy climbed out of the truck. She and Karen hadn't seen each other in over a year, but they traded emails and messages on Facebook on a regular basis. They had been best friends in grade school and middle school, but then Karen's family had moved to the next town over. Missy and Karen had kept in touch sporadically, and after that Noreen and Missy had become best friends.

  "I could kill you," Missy said. "You scared the bejesus out of me."

  "That's what all the guys say."

  "Oh stop."

  Like Missy, Karen had always struggled with her weight. In grade school they took a liking to one another for reasons Missy couldn't remember, but by middle school they shared their sob stories about weight and boys and looks. Missy was tall for a woman and voluptuous, whereas Karen was short and rectangular. They hadn't seen each other much in the last few years, but Missy could tell that Karen had lost a significant amount of weight recently.

  "Kar, you look great!" Missy gave her a hug.

  "Thanks." Karen coughed as she pulled away. "I'm a little under the weather...usually this would be exactly the thing to throw me off track, you know? I'd get sick and tell myself it was okay to forget about the diet and then, next thing I knew, I'd be off the diet permanently."

  Missy knew that story all too well. "Yes, it only takes one tiny little thing, doesn't it?"

  "It's really good to see you." Karen tried to give her a smile, but she hacked a cough again. “Do you have the signed contract?”

  Missy had almost forgotten. She opened her purse and took out the document. “I’ll admit, I didn’t read the whole thing.”

  Karen smiled. “It is a bit over the top.”

  Missy laughed. She recalled a few of the provisions she read in the contract. Members of the Diet Club were prohibited from revealing the identity of other members to anyone not in the club. The
penalty was breach of contract and the person agreed to pay a fine of five hundred dollars to the club. There were also fines for “passing judgment” on any other member and for “failing to be one hundred percent supportive.”

  "Ready to go in?" Karen asked.

  Missy eyed the big house tentatively. "It's kind of creepy. Coming all the way out here, on a lonely stretch of road, to this big, decadent-looking house, meeting with a bunch of woman I don't know—”

  "Miss, believe me, you're going to know many of them. Probably most."

  That thought made Missy relax. It meant there would be women from Grove City. She took a deep breath, already feeling better.

  “Before we go in.” Missy grabbed Karen’s arm. The shorter woman barely reached Missy’s shoulder. “What’s the craziest diet you heard about in here?”

  “Well.” Karen faced her and lowered her voice. “The tape worm diet.”

  “What?” Missy had never heard of it and feared it was exactly what it sounded like.

  “It’s exactly what it sounds like,” Karen said, as if reading her mind.

  Missy felt ready to throw up. “Tell me you didn’t…”

  “NO!” Karen practically shouted. “It’s disgusting, not to mention dangerous. I’ve tried some crazy diets but I’d never put my health in risk like that.”

  “Gross.”

  “Totally.”

  Chapter Two

  T he portico itself was about the size of Missy’s house. The double doors opened as if on cue, an old butler with male pattern baldness admitting them. He smiled but made minimal eye contact.

  The foyer was wide and high-ceilinged with a spiral staircase that wended to the second floor. The chandelier was turned on but dimmed, and the few lights on the end tables and bureaus along the walls of the foyer weren’t on. Missy squinted as she looked down the long hallway that receded into the distance. There was so little light, she could barely see anything.

  “Okay, I’m officially creeped out,” Missy said.

  Karen swatted her arm playfully. “Come on, Missy Sissy.”

  Missy pretended to be angry. “Nobody calls me that.”

  Karen smiled, bringing out those dimples that Missy remembered on her cheeks. “Except me.”

  “Alright.” Missy turned to look back down the hall. It was impossible not to think about the butler in his penguin suit standing only a few feet behind them, just waiting by the door, overhearing and seeing everything.

  “But the minute I hear chanting, I’m out of here,” Missy said.

  Karen affected a fake, evil British accent. “By the time you hear chanting, it will be too late.”

  Missy followed her old friend down the hallway. Karen hacked a few more coughs along the way. Missy asked if she was getting sick or getting over something, but Karen denied both. The hallway was as dimly lit as the foyer, the wooden walls seemed to press in as they walked. Missy swore some of the eyes on the oil portraits they passed followed them.

  Missy kept her voice low. “She lives here alone?”

  Karen nodded. “Mrs. Butterworth has lived alone here for almost twenty years.”

  “Tell Mr. DeMille she’s ready for her close-up.”

  Karen shooshed her. “She’s really nice.”

  “Eccentric, but nice?”

  “Exactly.”

  At the end of the hallway, Karen turned right and stopped in front of closed door. A little bit of light spilled from under it, but not much. Missy was literally in a sweat now, the house was totally creeping her out.

  “Remember to smile,” Karen said.

  Missy did.

  Karen opened the door and they entered what Missy could only describe as a ballroom. It actually reminded her of the room where Belle and the Beast danced in the Disney movie. At the far end, glass paneling led up to a glass half-dome that commanded a view of the night sky.

  But that wasn’t even the most overwhelming thing about the room.

  Missy couldn’t count how many women were standing around, talking. Most had drinks in their hands, and just as Missy wondered why they would drink empty calories at a Diet Club meeting of all places, a server approached both her and Karen.

  “Ladies, may I get you something to drink?” He looked no more than twenty years old. Missy thought she saw a resemblance to the butler that had let them into the house.

  “The usual,” Karen said, pressing a tip into his gloved hand.

  “For you, miss?”

  It took Missy a moment to realize he wasn’t calling her by her nickname. “Uh, sure, yes—” She looked at Karen. “What are you having?”

  “Vitamin water.”

  Missy had been expecting her to say some kind of mixed drink, but vitamin water sounded good. “I’ll have the same.”

  The server went off before she could tip him. Good thing, too, because all she had was a twenty.

  “Mrs. Butterworth puts this meeting on every week?” Missy asked, incredulous.

  Karen nodded. “She has money to burn. And then some.”

  For a moment, Missy just stood there, speechless, admiring the ballroom and awed by the sheer number of women there. Like everywhere else in the house, this space was low-lit and gloomy. And it was hot in the ballroom. All these people bringing their body heat.

  The women ranged in size from the petite and slender to the average to the chubby to the big and beautiful (like her) to the obese and to the morbidly obese. The server returned with their Vitamin Waters and Missy lucked out again—another wave of women had just come in so the server went to take their orders.

  As Missy’s eyes adjusted to the gloom, she started to recognize many of the women. To her surprise, she saw several of the Little Old Ladies that came to the used bookstore where she worked, Books and Crannies. Even more astonishing, she saw Marie, her workout buddy from WiredFit. Marie was in much better shape than her and had recently lost that stubborn last ten pounds she’d been fighting with “like forever” in her own words. Missy kept people-watching and laid eyes on Trudy Shaw, the woman she’d briefly suspected of murdering Anne Baxter a few months back, and then she saw Alison, and Ellen, and—

  “Karen!” A woman Missy didn’t know approached, with three others in tow. They were all in good enough shape and didn’t really have to be here, Missy thought, before correcting herself. Just because someone was fit didn’t mean they didn’t struggle with their weight. It was just as important to stick to the diet after you were in shape, Missy reminded herself, not that she had much experience with that scenario. In high school, she’d played sports and that had helped with the weight but after that the pounds had slowly but inexorably added on. Since then she’d vacillated between chubby and big and beautiful.

  “Hi, Abella,” Karen said, wearing what Missy thought was clearly a fake smile. “This is my best friend from grade school, Missy.”

  Abella looked Missy up and down, making a big show of it. “Hello…was it Missy?” She said it like the name was beneath her.

  Missy returned the woman’s rude gesture, looking her up and down. Abella was dressed like she’d just come from an office where no doubt she had a very important job.

  Missy shook the woman’s icy hand. “Yes.” Missy looked from her to Karen. “How do you two know each other?”

  Abella smirked at Karen. “I talk all day long to clients. Why don’t you tell her, Karen?”

  Karen kept that fake-smile in place. It was quickly becoming obvious, though, she wasn’t happy to see Abella. Or the woman’s friends. They were all dressed professionally like her in expensive-looking suits, their hair perfect, their teeth perfect, their bodies perfect…

  “We work together,” Karen said.

  “Well,” Abella said, “I wouldn’t say together. I’m a shareholder at the firm.”

  She said it like Missy was supposed to be impressed, but Abella clearly didn’t know Missy. Very few jobs impressed Missy, and corporate attorney was not one of them. Missy was old-fashioned and really respe
cted doctors, nurses, teachers, police officers, and people who spent most of their time helping others. The people that really made a difference. Her parents had shown her how to be down-to-earth and along the way Missy had learned to not waste her time on anybody that looked down their nose at you.

  Like Abella was doing now.

  “You’re lucky to have Karen,” Missy said. “I’ll bet she’s the best paralegal in the office. She was always a straight A student.”

  Abella made a little face, and her friends almost rolled their eyes.

  “Oh, we’re lucky to have Karen alright.” Abella sipped her mixed drink. “For the most part. But we had that little scare recently, didn’t we, Karen?”

  Karen lost the smile. “Yes, Abella. It was my first mistake in a long time and I got it cleared up before it became a problem.”

  “Right. Harmless, I know.” Abella pretended to be joking, but it was obvious to Missy she wasn’t. “Poor Karen had to call out last week with the flu.”

  Without thinking, Missy frowned. In the hallway, Karen had denied being sick recently but here Abella was telling her Karen had suffered from the flu only last week.

  “Yes.” Karen’s voice was flat. “The first sick day I took in almost three years.”

  “Right.” Abella lost her fake smile and without even looking at Missy, said, “Nice meeting you.” Then she and her friends strolled off to mingle elsewhere.

  “What a bitch,” Missy said when the woman was a minimum safe distance away.

  Karen shook her head. “She took a disliking to me immediately. It was sort of my own fault.”

  “How could that be your fault?” Missy nodded in Abella’s direction. “That woman is vicious.”

  Karen chuckled. “Her bark is worse than her bite. What I meant was, I made an enemy out of her when I started at the firm. I was fresh out of school and didn’t know my way around an office yet. All the politics, you know. Without thinking, I shared something with one of her colleagues that put her in a bad light. I didn’t even know it at the time, it was totally harmless. But she has never forgiven me for it. That was twelve years ago!”