by A. Zavarelli
I’ve watched the footage so many times it feels like my eyes are bleeding. Everything hurts. She was so meticulous in her plans it leaves little doubt that she’s been thinking of this for some time. Was it before we married or after? Regardless, it makes little difference. What it boils down to is that I lied to her about Enzo, and now the worst has happened as a result.
I don’t know where they are. I don’t know if they’re safe, or warm, or scared. It’s a hopeless feeling, one I’m not accustomed to. There’s an army of guards searching for them, but every minute that passes feels like this is the beginning of a lifelong sentence. I can’t say I don’t deserve it, but I’m not willing to let them go.
I find myself standing in the middle of the parlor room, staring at the Christmas tree that looks like it’s been frosted with snow. Natalia ordered it, and she and Nino decorated it together. It’s the first time I’ve ever had one in the house. I barely gave it a passing glance before, but now all I can see are missed opportunities. While I was busy dividing the household, they were living. They were living without me.
I stagger forward, collapsing onto the floor. I can’t fucking breathe. I never wanted to feel this way again. I did everything in my power to prevent it, and yet here I am. I stare at the presents beneath the tree, blinking away my endless existence. Natalia took so much care to wrap Nino’s gifts. She left me lists of the things she was buying him, so there wouldn’t be duplicates.
I was too caught up in the war in my head to see what was right in front of me, but I can see it now. There’s a gift with my name on it. A small square box wrapped in red paper with Natalia’s handwriting. Unlike the other gifts that Nino addressed to me, this one is just from her.
Curiosity has me dragging it into my lap. I can’t remember the last time I opened a gift from someone. When I was a boy, my mother would give us thoughtful gifts every year. Then I moved in with Gwen and her family, and her version of Christmas gifts was stacks of cash in each of our stockings. I didn’t need the money. I had more than I could ever want after I inherited my family’s estate, but Gwen told us we should just buy ourselves whatever we wanted. Over time, I came to see Christmas as a commercial holiday, forgetting the sentiment involved.
Somehow, I know Natalia’s gift won’t be something random she grabbed from a shelf at the department store, and selfishly, I want to know what it is.
I rip off the paper, tossing it aside to find a box of white gauze bandages with a small envelope taped to the side. When I open the envelope, there’s a stack of paper in Natalia’s handwriting. I glance at the first sheet, reading the words she left me.
Because I’d rather be a source of comfort than pain. Keep these for a time when you need them, and I’ll be there to bandage your wounds.
I didn’t fail to execute my plan in your bedroom that night. My plan failed me. We can’t destroy what we love without killing ourselves in the process. I wasn’t pretending then, and I’m not pretending now.
I love you still.
Natalia
Pain radiates through me, and my eyes blur as I flip the page. It takes me a minute to realize what I’m seeing. They are her notes from her search for Nino.
-First sighting of Enzo in over a year and a half. He returned to the building on Pearl Street to meet with Nathaniel. Consider the risk of approaching Nathaniel? Need confirmation of Camilo’s location first. Will continue to track Enzo’s movements.
-Followed Enzo to a building in Tribeca today. He met with another associate, unknown name. Tall, well presented in a suit and tie. Handsome man, but terrifying. His eyes are so stark. Is he mafia too?
-Lost Enzo in traffic. Haven’t seen him in three days. Followed his associate to a dinner meeting with another unknown. The next day, the associate left and didn’t return.
-Nathaniel is dead. They removed his body from the Pearl Street building this afternoon. Was it related to Enzo?
-Three months since I’ve seen Enzo. No good leads. Starting to lose hope. No sign of associate either.
-Six months with no updates.
-Another year gone. No sign of Enzo. Where is Camilo?
-Three years in. Losing hope. No Enzo. No associate. Check the building periodically, but nothing new.
-Lead on Enzo’s New York address. PI managed to dig up his last name. It’s Marcone. But nothing comes up for him other than this rental he never uses. No other ties to this city, job or otherwise. Will keep searching.
-Enzo’s associate has returned. Followed him upstate in the middle of the night. The taxi driver got spooked, and the associate lost us.
-Associate still in New York. Followed him to a coffee shop this morning, meeting with another unknown. Have a name from the conversation. Alessio Scarcello. Will continue to track.
-Alessio Scarcello lives in the building in Tribeca. The building has guards and no access to outsiders. He has a driver. Searches for him turn up nothing. Who is this man?
-Followed Alessio to the coffee shop this morning. He had a phone conversation and said he’s leaving soon. Must act now. Paid a guy from the subway a hundred bucks to bump into Alessio’s table and spill his drink. Please don’t let this guy die because of me.
-Plan executed. Alessio didn’t kill subway guy, and I made the swap when he went to the bathroom. He has my pen now, and I have his.
-Spent the rest of the night listening to audio from pen. One phone call from Alessio to unknown. Asked about someone named Nino. Says he’s flying back home to Seattle tomorrow morning at ten a.m. Will follow.
-In Seattle. Landed early, waiting for his arrival. No signs yet.
-He arrived on a private jet. Did not see him but was able to verify his location through GPS. Outside his home. Locked gate.
-He has a little boy he calls Nino. Have yet to see him but heard him speak. Nino does not refer to him as his father. Could it be Camilo?
-Alessio rarely leaves his house, except for at night or at random times during the day. There does not appear to be any set schedule for him. The guard drives the boy to school. Hoping to get a better look tomorrow.
-Neighbor caught me lurking on the street. Asked me what I was doing. Need to lay low for a few days. Hired PI.
-PI couldn’t find any birth record with Alessio listed as the father. Feel like I’m getting closer.
-Alessio mentioned Enzo to Nino today. He referred to him as his father in a past context. I’ve finally found him.
-Saw Nino for the first time outside his school. He’s so beautiful, I cried. When can I hold him again? I have to get him back.
-Alessio seems kind to Nino, although distant. He’s not as intimidating when he speaks to Nino. Does Nino love him?
-No information on Enzo. Alessio has Nino full time. Is Enzo dead?
-Pen battery is running low. Need to make a plan. Taking him from school isn’t an option. I won’t get past the security and definitely won’t make it out of there with the guard watching. How will I ever get Nino to trust me when he doesn’t know who I am?
-Overheard Alessio speaking of interviews for a nanny position. This is my chance. Must find ad.
-Found ad, applied, and got interview!
-Alessio Scarcello is more terrifying in person. But he’s different. He doesn’t give me that sick feeling Enzo did. In fact, I’m not really sure what I feel about him. It’s strange and new. I want to believe he’s a good man. Does he love Nino?
-I’m here. I’m actually in Seattle, at Alessio’s house. I spoke to my son for the first time since Enzo took him from me. He’s such a sweet, quiet boy. My heart isn’t broken anymore. Alessio has taken good care of him, though emotionally, he seems absent.
-This might be harder than I thought.
-Alessio is watching me. It should scare me, but it doesn’t. Why?
-Nino is getting more comfortable around me every day. He’s flourishing here. Part of me feels guilty. He does care about Alessio. What will happen when I take him away?
-We nee
d to leave soon. Things are getting too confusing. Alessio is confusing me.
-I went to Alessio’s room to kill him. I couldn’t go through with it. I don’t want to hurt him. That’s a problem.
-Alessio comes to me at night. We have sex, and I like it. I like it way too much. But then he leaves me, and I feel … empty. I’m scared of these feelings. I’m scared because sometimes I think I wish I could stay. I wish he could want me the way that I want him.
-So much to update, but I think this will be my last. I don’t even know why I’m writing these anymore. Alessio married me, but not for love. I love him, though. I got my son back, and I love him with my whole heart too. I just don’t know if I can survive here without Alessio’s warmth. Will he ever give me a chance?
It’s the last entry on the page, and I can’t take my eyes off of it as the weight of her words settles over me. This woman … this fucking witch of a woman stalked me, researched me, and created an elaborate plan to inject herself into my life without me even realizing it. I don’t know whether I’m more impressed or terrified by her, but there’s one glaring certainty. She is my equal in every way, and after all of that, she thinks she can just leave me?
“Alessio?” Angelo’s voice startles me, and when I look up, he’s watching me with concern. “Damien’s been disposed of. I went through his apartment, and it looks like he and Enzo had been exchanging letters. Apparently, they knew each other from the Cat House. Damien had roughed up one of the women, and Enzo helped him clean it up without anyone finding out. They’ve been writing to each other for years, and Enzo called on him to repay the favor now. He gave Damien instructions to access the safe at Gwen’s house. I found a large amount of cash hidden in his closet and a plane ticket to Mexico. It looks like he was going to kill Natalia and bail the country.”
I absorb that information, and my pulse slows, my voice barely audible as I speak.
“Natalia thinks I did this. She thinks it was me.”
35
Natalia
“Nino.” I try to call out his name, but my voice is too weak.
I open the door to the hall closet, checking in there, but it’s empty too. I’m trying not to panic, but the longer I walk around the house in my robe, the harder it’s becoming to reel in my emotions. I was only in the shower for fifteen minutes. I didn’t hear anything, but I can’t find him. The house is small, only a one-bedroom on a half-acre of property in a rural area. There aren’t many places for him to go.
Sweat trickles down my neck as I glance out the windows into the yard. There’s no sign of him there either. I stuff my feet into a pair of boots near the door and trudge outside.
“Nino,” I try again, but the cold air makes it even harder to speak.
Immediately, the worst thoughts enter my mind. It’s the same scenario that plays through my head every time I lose sight of him, or I hear a noise at night, or a strange car drives by. If someone looks at me funny in the grocery store, or a neighbor stops by to be friendly, that thought is always there. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder and wondering if today is going to be the day.
After three months of this, my nerves are shot, and it isn’t getting better with time. It’s only getting worse. I’m pregnant, hormonal, and I feel like I’m losing my mind every second of every day. At times, it’s unbearable, and I find myself questioning everything. This was always the end goal before Alessio came into the picture. I was supposed to run off into the sunset with Nino and make a life for us, but this isn’t a life. It’s a prison.
I’m terrified to let him out of my sight. I live in fear that at any moment, someone else will show up at my door, and this time, I won’t survive. It feels like I’ve only bought myself time, but time will eventually run out. For so long, I had thought about what it would be like to get my life back. In theory, I knew that I’d never really be free. We’d have to be careful. That was a given, but imagining it and living it are two different things. I don’t know how to make this work. The Society’s reach is too powerful, and realistically, there isn’t anywhere on this planet that we could ever really be safe. Alessio told me that if I ran again, he wouldn’t be able to protect me, but he left me no choice, and now here I am.
I’m ashamed to admit that I miss him. I miss his scent, his warmth, his presence. I miss the way he felt against my body and the safety I thought I had with him. I had convinced myself that he just needed to learn to trust his feelings for me. Foolishly, I thought that in time, he would come back to me, and we’d be okay. We’d make it through. I felt that in my heart. Maybe it was an illusion, but I don’t want to believe it was. Even now, I question it. Did I make a mistake? What if he wasn’t the one who sent Damien?
Then reality kicks in, and I feel stupid all over again. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep making excuses when the explanation is right in front of me. It was there all along, and I just didn’t want to see it.
I slog through the mud, rounding the side of the house, and my heart jumps when I find Nino sitting on a log staring up at the birds in the sky. A silent sob bursts from my chest, and I stagger forward, nearly tripping in the mud as I reach for him.
“Mom?” He turns to look at me with scrunched brows.
What are you doing? My hands move quickly as I sign the words, frustration getting the best of me. I told you not to come out here unless you’re with me.
“I’m sorry.” He lowers his gaze and comes to join me. “I was bored.”
Come on. Let’s go inside. I reach for his hand, and he gives it to me.
By the time we get back in, both our shoes are coated in mud, and I’m too exhausted to care. We kick them off by the door, leaving them as they are.
I’m going to get dressed. I tell Nino. Then we’ll talk.
He nods, settling onto the couch and grabbing the throw blanket to warm himself.
In my room, I change into some leggings and a sweatshirt. We don’t have a lot of clothes between us, apart from the basics I picked up at a cheap store along the way. In my hurry to leave Seattle, I didn’t grab much. I have money to survive on, but I don’t know how long. Eventually, I’ll need to get another job, and I can’t imagine how I’ll do that without Alessio finding out. It would have to be something under the table, and then there’s the question of what I’ll do with Nino during that time. Who will watch him and the baby? I can’t trust anyone, and just the idea of it nearly sends me into a panic attack.
Those thoughts are overwhelming, and I don’t have any answers. I’ve considered leaving the country, but that isn’t even a real possibility. I can’t get us new passports, and the moment our names are registered on any travel document, I’m certain Alessio would know. I don’t know what would happen then. Would he come to deal with me himself, or would he let someone from The Society do it? I’ve become so used to the idea my concern isn’t even dying anymore. It’s the trauma it would leave behind if Nino saw or heard it. I know Alessio would never allow him to witness something like that, but I can’t say the same for anyone else who might come. Every time I consider it, it feels like there’s a vise around my neck. I don’t know how to fix any of this.
I walk back down the hall and find Nino scribbling in his art book. He’s not drawing anything, just scribbling lines. He’s been doing that a lot lately. This conversation we’re about to have is long overdue. I’ve been putting it off, because I don’t have a solution that’s fair to him.
I sit down beside him, touching his arm to get his attention. When he looks up at me, his eyes are still glassy.
I’m sorry I got upset, I tell him. I was worried about you. Can you tell me why you went outside without me when you know you shouldn’t?
“Because I don’t understand why I can’t,” he says. “We used to go outside all the time at home, and now you hardly ever want to. It’s boring in Montana, and I hate it here.”
I’m reluctant to ask because I already know the answer, but we have to figure out how to work through this. Why d
o you hate it here?
“Because I have no friends.” He wipes the moisture that starts to leak from his eyes. “I have to do homeschool, and I can’t play the piano or go swimming, and there are no boats. I miss the lake. I miss daddy, and I want to see him. I don’t understand why we had to go away.”
His words gut me, and before I can help it, I’m crying too. Nino, being the sweet boy he is, forgets all about his own discomfort and crawls over to hug me.
“I’m sorry, mom. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
No, I’m sorry, I sign to him. I know this isn’t fair to you. I miss all those things too.
“Then why can’t we go back?” he asks.
I don’t have an answer for him. I don’t know how to explain that we can’t go back because, if we do, it means I might die. It feels selfish to hold him hostage in a life of misery, because of the target on my back. He deserves more than this, and I can’t help thinking I’ve made a huge mistake. I came back into his life when he already had a life of his own, and I think maybe I was too late. Maybe he was better off with Alessio, where he was happy and safe.
Nothing makes sense, and everything’s a mess. So, I do the only thing I can. I hold him, and we cry together.
36
Natalia
Something stirs me from my sleep, and at first, I think it’s Nino. Our bedroom has twin beds, which were free with the house when I rented it. I sleep in one, and he sleeps in the other, but he often gets up once in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, which always wakes me. When I glance over at his bed, it’s empty, and it takes me a second to realize the bathroom light isn’t on either.
