by A. Zavarelli
I sit up, and my heart jumps into my throat when I notice the dark silhouette standing at the end of the bed, watching me. Fear wraps its ugly claws around me as I toss the blankets aside and stand up. I didn’t get to say goodbye. That’s the only thing I can think about as I dart around the shadow and out into the living room.
“He’s already gone,” Alessio’s voice follows me as I run toward the window. “Manuel is taking him home.”
I press my fingers against the glass, a muted sob falling from my lips as I scan the driveway. There’s a dark car out there, but nobody’s in it. He’s not lying. Nino is already gone. They swept in and took him quietly in the middle of the night. They didn’t even give me a chance to hug him one last time.
“It doesn’t feel very good, does it?” Alessio’s voice draws nearer.
I’m afraid to look at him. I’m terrified of what I might find when I do. I can’t forget what he did, and I’m still hurting because of it. I’m angry at him for destroying what we could have been. I’m devastated that he could be so merciless to take Nino away without a goodbye, but love is the most complicated human emotion. It doesn’t go away just because someone gravely wounds us. We have to be willing to let it go, and I never was.
The warmth of his body presses against mine, and I shiver, blinking away the tears that begin to fall. He pulls me closer, his fingertips sweeping over my jaw as he turns my head toward him. Moonlight pours in through the window, highlighting the features I’ve come to know so well. He’s still Alessio. The same man who can manage to intimidate you one second and soften you the next. His eyes are just as piercing as they ever were. His jaw is just as strong, and I suspect his hair is still as soft as it was when I dragged my fingers through it more times than I can count. There is something different about him though. He looks thinner, the hollows of his eyes darker. I want to believe it’s because he’s been as tormented as I have, but it feels foolish even to consider it.
“You smell the same.” He drags his nose through my hair, inhaling me, and my knees nearly buckle. It shouldn’t feel so good. I shouldn’t be so relaxed in the arms of the man who’s most certainly come to kill me.
His grip on my face tightens, and he pulls me closer, his lips hovering a breath away from mine. When he kisses me, it feels like it might be the last time. Maybe it’s the first. I can’t tell anymore. It starts soft, and then my lips give way to him. His tongue enters my mouth, and he tastes me with a growl, the sound reverberating down my throat. We fall back into the same old pattern, and I melt against his body despite the adrenaline coursing through my veins. Maybe it’s sick to want this one last time, but I do. If he’s going to destroy me, the least he can do is satisfy me first.
His free hand slides over the curve of my hip, and he yanks my ass back against his erection, grinding it into me. My staggered breaths fall between his lips, and he drinks them, swallowing the taste of me like it gives him life. He releases my jaw, his fingers drifting down the sensitive skin on my neck. I wonder if this is it, but then his palm is sliding beneath my nightgown, groping my breast. He bunches up the hem of the silky fabric around my hip with his other fist, exposing me to the cool air. His teeth scrape against my lip, penetrating the flesh, and he releases it with a hum of approval when he tastes the metallic tang of my blood. I sway in his arms, lightheaded from the adrenaline crash and that kiss. He tightens his grip on me, holding me upright as his fingers glide through the slickness between my thighs.
“Still wet for me?” The guttural sound of his voice vibrates against my ear, making my entire body ache for him.
I nod against his chest, and he teases me with his fingers, dipping two of them inside of me. I’m swollen with need, and I can’t bite back the sigh of pleasure that rolls over me as I arch my pelvis up to meet him. He fingers me, sliding in and out with a torturously slow rhythm as he sweeps my hair back over my shoulder. His lips come to rest on the tattoo he inked into my skin, and he kisses it reverently. It confuses me. It torments me. I can’t think straight right now, because I’m on the verge of coming undone. My muscles clench around him, and I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to make it last. Then it happens. He tips me over the edge by dragging his teeth over my neck, sending sparks all the way down my spine.
Spasms rock through me, and I collapse into the strength of his body, allowing him to hold me upright while I succumb to the pleasure. When it finally ends, Alessio takes my hands in his and tips me forward, bracing me against the window before he releases me. He unzips his trousers, and I turn to watch him as he drags out his cock and slides it between my thighs, soaking himself in my arousal. He groans at the contact and air hisses through my teeth as I roll my hips against him, a silent plea.
Our eyes collide, and even with all the unknowns, I can’t stop myself from wanting him. He’s beautiful and terrifying and still perfect somehow. I can’t decide if this is the best way to die or the worst. All I know is I need him, and at this moment, he needs me too.
His palm comes to rest on my back, and he shudders as he pushes the head of his cock against me. I’m so wet, there’s little resistance, but he takes his time, entering me slowly. I watch his face, memorizing the way his lips part and his eyes fall shut. He finds stillness once he’s fully inside of me, and he seems to be drawing it out, imprinting this feeling in his mind the way he’s imprinted himself on my soul. Then his hands come to rest on my hips, and he starts to move, dragging his cock in and out. It’s a slow, torturous rhythm that builds until his primal urges take over, and he fucks me like he’ll die without it. I’m lost to the moment, completely consumed by him, and then he wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me upright. As he does, he feels the soft curve of my belly, and everything stops.
I freeze, and he does too. I can’t bring myself to look at him, because I don’t know what I’ll see. I don’t know when or if this will change the inevitable, but I couldn’t bear it if I saw him making that decision. I wait for him to say something, but he doesn’t. His arm goes lax on me, and his palm slides down over the small bump, as if he’s checking to make sure he’s not imagining it. There’s a minute where everything is so quiet, I’m not even sure he’s breathing. Then his lips find my neck, and he kisses me right where my pulse is beating a wild tempo. He rolls his hips, his cock throbbing inside of me, and a sound of pleasure gets caught in his throat.
He doesn’t take his hand from my belly, branding it there while he starts to fuck me again. It feels bittersweet and slightly alarming because I don’t know what he’s thinking. Maybe I’m just delusional, but it feels like he wants this. Logically, I’m aware I can’t trust this feeling, but I want it to be real. More than anything, I want it to be real.
I lose myself in him, soaking up this connection while it lasts. His thrusts become more desperate, and a tremor moves down his arm as he tries to bite back the sounds of his pleasure. The tension in his body builds, and I can feel it in his grip on me. He tries to resist it. He tries to make it last, but inevitably, he surrenders with an agonized groan. His cock pulses inside of me, and he doesn’t bother to pull out. Warmth fills me, and he milks out his release, his hips rolling against me until it becomes too much. When he stills, he doesn’t let go of me. He holds me against him for so long I don’t know what to think.
“That was a careless mistake you made.” His gravelly voice penetrates the silence. “Logging into your email on your new phone. You’re too clever for that, Natalia. It leaves me to wonder if it was intentional.”
My response isn’t necessary. We both know it was. I did it for Nino. I did it because as much as it kills me, I can’t give him the life he deserves. All I ever wanted was to have my son back, but I didn’t realize what it would cost him. Imprisoning him with me isn’t the life I envisioned. I can’t outrun The Society forever, and I can’t force him to live his life in fear to protect me. He was never a threat to IVI. He has a home there. He has a father who loves him, a man who will protect him and provide for him, and even if th
at man can’t love me, I have to be okay with this decision. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
Alessio pulls himself out of me, and his come drips down my thighs. He turns me in his arms, and I swallow as I look up at this brutal man. He is brutal, but he can be soft too. That’s what confuses me so much. I don’t ever know if he wants to kiss me or kill me.
I point to the envelope taped to the mail holder by the door, making three failed attempts before I get my vocal cords to function.
“For Nino.”
He glances briefly at the letter I wrote for my son, but he doesn’t move to retrieve it.
“That’s it?” His thumb skims over my cheek. “I thought you came to destroy me. Now you’re ready to give up?”
My eyes sting as I choke back the heartache I wish I could just stop feeling. “I can’t…” I take a deep breath, struggling past the pain in my throat. “I can’t kill you and live with myself.”
His eyes soften, and he drags his thumb between my lips, parting them before he leans in to kiss me one last time. I close my eyes, and then I’m left cold when he moves away. I don’t know what to expect, so I try not to expect anything at all.
I can hear him moving around the kitchen, turning on the faucet, and then tossing something into the bin before he zips his pants up. When he returns, he grabs my face, and I think this is it. I guess it doesn’t matter that I have our baby inside of me.
I’m trying not to cry. My throat is already raw from using my voice, but it’s the last thing I’ll ever say, and I have to say it. I force the words from my gritted teeth, pleading with him for this one thing I know he can’t deny me.
“You’re his father. You’re all he knows. Please take care of him.”
“Natalia.” His breath fans across my lips as he leans in. “Go pack your things.”
Alessio carries me onto the jet, my bare feet dangling over his arm as he lowers me into the seat. He didn’t bother to grab my muddy shoes before we left the house, but he did wrap my long coat around me.
He hasn’t said a word since we left, and he doesn’t say anything now as he takes a seat beside me. My mind is reeling, and I think the baby must have changed his mind. He’s going to wait, and then he’ll do it. My palm comes to rest on my belly, and I want to be relieved, but it doesn’t make it any better. I can’t imagine going through this entire pregnancy, seeing our baby, and then dying at the end of it.
I’m struggling to breathe when he rests his hand on my knee and leaves it there. His wedding band gleams beneath the cabin lights, and it only confuses me more. Why is he still wearing it? Why does this simple touch, his skin on my skin, feel so possessive?
He stares out the window, seemingly lost in his thoughts as we take off. I don’t have it in me to use my voice again, and I don’t have my phone on me, so asking questions isn’t on the table. All I can do is sit back and stew in the malignancy of my mind. Once we’re up in the air, Alessio unbuckles both of us and helps me up from my seat. He leads me into the rear cabin, ushering me into the bedroom.
For a second, I’m wondering if this will be where it happens. He didn’t want to leave any evidence behind at the house. That’s why he had me take all our stuff. The Society wouldn’t want my death linked back to them. Alessio is meticulous. He’s probably done this a thousand times. He told me once that he’d never killed a woman. I’m staring at him, wondering if I’ll be the first when he removes my coat and tells me to lay down.
I don’t have anything left to lose, so I do. Alessio kicks off his shoes and walks around the other side, climbing in beside me. I’m lying on my back, but he rolls me onto my side, draping a throw blanket over us before he pulls me against him. His arm wraps around my waist, and he tucks his chin against the top of my head before his palm settles on my baby bump. Warmth moves over my body, and again, I can sense the possession in his touch, but I don’t know what it means.
We don’t talk. He just holds me there, safe in the cocoon of his body, until the pilot tells us it’s time to prepare for landing. Then we get up, and he repeats the process in reverse, securing me in my coat, leading me back to my seat, and settling his palm on my knee.
Things only get stranger when we land, and he carries me to his car, securing me inside without another word. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but tension has crept into his features, and I’m a nervous wreck by the time we finally get back to the house. It’s a welcome sight, but a bittersweet one too. This place feels like home. Nino was right about that. I miss him so much already, but I can only hope that he will be happy when Manuel returns him safely to these familiar surroundings.
I don’t know if I’ll see him again. I’m trying to imagine how this might work. Will Alessio keep me locked in a room until I give birth? When I look at him, I feel crazy for even thinking it. But how can I not?
He drives through the gate, parks the car, and lifts me out again. I try to gesture to let him know I can walk, but he ignores it, carrying me inside the house and up all three levels to his bedroom. When he finally sets me down onto his bed, his lips part as if he’s about to say something, and then he looks away.
The numbness that’s kept me alive in his absence begins to thaw when I realize he’s being awkward again. He wants to tell me something, but he’s nervous. These are the rare moments of uncertainty Alessio doesn’t often show, but when he does, they tend to be with me.
He drags a hand through his hair, paces a little, and then stops, turning to look at me. “I lied to you.”
If I wasn’t worried already, it only gets worse when he grabs the tufted chair from near the window and drags it over in front of me. He sits down, and we’re face to face. I can see all of him, and he can see all of me, and it feels intimate. Alessio has always avoided direct conversation, and I don’t know how to prepare for whatever he might tell me.
“I’ve been lying to you,” he says again.
I hug myself, waiting for an explanation. I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I’m not going to interrupt him, not when he’s finally talking to me.
“When I told you Enzo was dead, it wasn’t true.”
My blood runs cold, and I glance at the door, terror streaking through my veins like he might appear at any moment. Before I can take that thought and run with it, Alessio reaches for my hands, taking them in his.
“He was in the Tribunal prison for murdering his brother and sister-in-law. That’s why I had Nino.”
Those words settle over me like a dark cloud. I’m still shaken, trying to process the multitude of my emotions when Alessio goes on.
“He’s dead now.” His thumbs rub circles over my hands, and I realize he’s trying to comfort me. “I swear it on my life. There’s a video if you want to see it for yourself. I’d understand if that’s what you need.”
I pull my hands free, my mind too foggy to comprehend I’m trying to sign a response to him. Alessio leans over and grabs the notepad from the nightstand. When he hands it over, it still has my writing on it from the night I came to tend to his wounds. I stare at the ink for a second, recalling that memory, wondering why he kept it. I flip to a new page and begin to write.
Why did you lie?
His tormented eyes move over my face. “Once I knew the truth about you, there was never a question that I would kill him. I wanted to be the one. Maybe that was selfish, but I needed him to suffer. I thought I was protecting you by keeping his existence a secret. I didn’t want his memory to haunt you. I didn’t want you to feel unsafe here. Before I could kill him, I needed approval from The Tribunal, and it took longer than I had anticipated. When I finally got it, I realized it was too late. Enzo knew my schedule well from years of consistency. He was aware that Manuel takes time off at Christmas, and I’d need a guard for my new wife. That was the opportunity Enzo saw when Gwen’s plan failed. He paid Damien to kill you, Natalia.”
He pauses, bowing his head as he draws in a staggered breath. Alessio has always been in careful control of his
emotions, but when he looks up at me again, there is so much pain behind his eyes he can’t hide it.
“I had no idea,” he chokes out. “I was so focused on ruining him I didn’t see what was right in front of me. You needed me, and I wasn’t there. I left you alone and vulnerable, and the worst part is you thought it was my doing. I had destroyed your trust in me so completely that you actually believed I hired that piece of shit to hurt you.”
His admission stuns me. All this time, I had questioned the truth I thought I knew. Deep inside, it felt wrong, and now I know why. The weight of that realization relieves me, but it doesn’t take away the hurt. For months, I’ve felt like I was dying inside, and it was all for nothing.
You did destroy me, I write. I never needed you to protect me from the truth, Alessio. Your lies cost me my sanity and months of our lives. The pain of that betrayal was unbearable. What was it all for? What did it accomplish other than driving me away?
“I know you don’t need me to protect you.” His voice is rough when he replies. “I don’t doubt your capabilities, but I will always want to protect you because I’m your husband, and that’s my job. It was the one thing I thought I could do for you. Perhaps it was misguided, but I didn’t want to burden you with additional pain. I had already caused you enough by pushing you away. I can’t change what happened, but I can promise you on my life I will never lie to you again.”
His words soften me, and some of the pain I’ve carried for so long ebbs away, but I can’t forgive him that easily. There is still so much I need to know.
Why didn’t you tell me this as soon as you saw me today? Why bring me all the way back here, letting me think I was going to die?
“That wasn’t my intention.” He reaches out to touch my face, his fingers soft against my skin. “I knew you wouldn’t want to come back here, but I couldn’t take no for an answer. I had to bring you home so we could argue, and then you would see. I would make you see.”
