Seeking Nirvana

by V. L. Brock

  “You,” I giggled.

  “What about me?” he questioned and began to gnaw on his pale, molded lip. The lip that was brushing over mine only an hour or so ago just outside.

  Pointing with my brow at the bottle, I gave my explanation, “Stripping the bottles.”

  “’Aye”––his tone was lengthy and questioning as he glanced down at the assemblage of torn labels on the table.

  “I think they say, stripping bottles is a sign of––”

  “Sexual frustration,” we finished in unison on a merry laugh.

  I bit the corner of my bottom lip.

  “The question is, Kady”––he hovered from his seat and leaned over the table so his mouth was next to my ear, his breath inducing internal shivers throughout my body. His fingers skimmed over the curve of my neck when he pushed my hair over my shoulder, leaving my flesh on fire. “If you were drinking from bottles, would yours be naked, too?”

  FUCK ME! This man was killing me. He pulled away slightly, his eyes burning a hole into me, making me a pool of wanton female under his intense scrutiny. I bit so hard on my inner cheek, that my tongue was soon coated in a metallic tang. Yet, our eyes never once strayed, even as our names were introduced by the man with the microphone on the podium to the left of us, and an enthusiastic applause reverberated throughout the bar.

  “Come on, darlin’,” he rose from the seat. “We’re up.”

  There was very little room to move between each occupied table, which happened to be every table in the establishment. With a muttering of apologies as I squeezed past with my hand safely in Walker’s, we finally stepped onto the platform, a dark navy, velvet curtain hung from the wall behind us. I looked out into the sea of people as the applauding died down.

  Even through the synthetic courage predetermined by the four glasses of wine, standing up there, my stomach roiled and churned as nerves got the best of me. My hand was given a reassuring squeeze, as I peeked up at the man beside me; his supportive and eager smile melting my worries.

  “I don’t even know what we’re singing,” I muttered frantically.

  “Don’t worry; it’s okay, darlin’, you’ll know this one. You take the lead okay,” he winked and handed me one of the microphones, our fingertips grazing as I cautiously accepted. God, could he be anymore delicious?

  A soft instrumental swiftly began, and I instantly recognized the song. Flashing a ‘how the fuck did you know’ gaze at Walker, I beamed and trembled. He nodded and mimicked my expression. How did he know how much I loved this group?

  “You and I must make a pact,” I began singing Michael’s lead in a rather shaky voice, but soon eased into it. Even as I studied the words on the screen, I felt his fiery gaze and felt his smile traveling along the breeze, connecting with my exposed flesh.

  I faded out while Walker took over on the chorus. I had no choice but to turn and look at him as he sang that he would be there to comfort me and build a world of dreams around me. Reaching for my left arm that hung limp at my side, he grasped my hand, and held it outstretched while he sang to me with that gorgeous, captivating voice. And looking as gorgeous as he did there was no halting the frisson that had my body bowing, and the feeling of my heartbeat slowly progress into a merciless gallop in my chest.

  By the time he trailed off, I was inundated with a swelling lump in my chest, either that, or my heart had just swelled and was working its way up into my throat. When the limelight was passed back to me, I managed to sing two lines when the conviction behind the words he sang a moment ago, his approach, the display…it was all too much. A deluge of feelings swept me clean off my feet and was wrenching me down the raging rapids. I couldn’t carry on. Tears sprang to my eyes, making them prickle and burn. Trying to blink them away, only made them fall sooner.

  Hand in hand, Walker smiled down at me as he stepped closer and picked up where I left off. “Whenever you need me, I’ll be there,” he sang as a sincere grin kissed his lips.

  I was suffocating on the mass of raw emotion in my throat as he went on to sing that he’d be there to protect with an unselfish love, and that he’d respect me. Those were the elements that I felt were missing between Liam and me. Through the sobbing, he grazed his thumb under my eye to catch a tear as it slipped free. I bit my lip while images flickered through my mind. He was at the hospital when I woke up, the night I went to the store and the man pulled out that knife…he was there…he was always there. He wasn’t just singing this random song to me…it was an elucidation.

  Shaking my head frantically while tears continued to fall, I saw his eyes shimmer, too. He stepped even closer, our bodies pressing together tenderly, and the way he poured his heart and soul into those lyrics, was undeniable. I had to get out. I couldn’t do this.

  Releasing his hand, I hastily stepped down from the podium and made for my escape. But the tables were spaced too close together and so were the sea of people. I tried to hurry past, but no one was budging.

  In spite of everything, my reaction included, Walker continued to croon to me, totally unperturbed to my plight. I asked people to excuse me, but over the huskiness of his voice as it voyaged through the speakers, my plea was nonexistent.

  “Just look over your shoulder, honey,” he called…and like a fool, I did just that. Standing in the center of the stage, his plaid shirt hung open, showcasing his white T-shirt beneath, as he sung his heart, not just for entertainment for the patrons of the bar, but for me…he was serenading me.

  Drying my own tears didn’t make any difference. By the time I purged my face of one batch, another followed, and even under the lighting, I could see my own personal Indian Ocean blatantly shimmering back at me at he raised and extended his arm to me––ever the showman.

  Pushing my way through the horde, I headed for the door. The last words I heard were, “Whenever you need me, I’ll be there.” And despite the fact that I was the one heading for the door, possibly embarrassing him in front of his friends as I left him to serenade me from the comfort of the podium…I didn’t doubt the conviction behind them for one second.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The gravel protested under my feet as I staggered over its lumpiness in ridiculously heeled shoes in the pissing down rain. I hadn’t brought a jacket, and the persistent downfall was already coating my near naked body with droplets.

  Through the nervous breakdown I was surely having, I screamed at the top of my lungs until breath was banished and the grating at my vocal cords got the best of me, as I ended on a cough. I kicked the front tire of Walker’s pick-up with the inside of my foot to relieve myself of a fraction of the anger which was stewing in my gut and freezing in my veins. Hands fisted into sodden hair, my tears were just as ruthless as the downpour.

  How dare he do this to me?

  “Kady!” a familiar voice called amongst the beating torrent. I turned around to see him through squinted eyes, pacing toward me with purpose, his leather jacket in his hand.

  Consumed by rage, I ran toward him. His arms welcomed me as he opened them wide to capture me. “What the fuck was that?” I screeched at the top of my lungs. I was vaguely aware of him tossing his leather into the back of the truck, as with clenched fists, I pummeled into his chest with equal speed and force. “Why are you doing this to me? Why, Walker? Fucking why?”

  Under my striking hands, his chest heaved. His hands slipped over my flesh as he clutched possessively at my upper arms, ending my assault. He held me back, his legs bent slightly to look me straight in the eye. “What did you remember, Kady?” he asked, his eyes dark and grave. I struggled in vein to get him to release me. “Kady,” he shouted breathlessly while shaking me with profound determination. His obdurate grip became tighter and unforgiving, until it almost felt like he was pinching me. “Tell me! What did you remember?” Frantic eyes hunted mine as he wordlessly implored with me to uncover the answer to his untiring question.

  The exacting force behind his capture soon had me sinking into his hold, my
anger dissipating with the pressure of his fingers as they bored into my cold, wet flesh. I closed my eyes and hung my head.

  “Tell me, Kady. Tell me––” he shook me again with each punctured word. Eyes flickered open and through the falling water, I was met with a man who looked so lost and so pained, as I tipped my head back. And it pained me, more than anything I could remember in my life. Lips twitching, his hands left my body to eradicate the water beads from my face, and then fisted one again into my hair. A sliver of hope surfed on the shimmering tide which studied me intently. “What did you fucking remember?”

  Between my cries, I drew a breath. “Feelings…” I told him under hooded eyes. “Just being overrun by so many feelings…” My mouth quivered as more sobs came. I felt him sag as he swathed me with his body, his arms wrapped around my shoulders. I nuzzled into the saturated, translucent white T-shirt which wasn’t really covering his chest. As we remained standing in the middle of the parking lot, he held me tightly with a hand at the back of my head, pressing me against his heart that I could both hear, and feel, beating smartly against his pectoral. Even through the heavy rain and his pumping heart, I could hear each droplet rebounding from the cars around us.

  He kissed the top of my head. “It’ll be okay, darlin’. It’ll be okay.”

  I unpeeled myself from his chest and peeked up. His hair was flat and darker than I’d ever seen. Rain trickled down our faces, and drips fell from the tips of our noses. My face was framed by his large, rough hands, and in that one connection as we searched each other’s eyes, I felt his power, I felt his devotion…I channeled something more than friendship and lust emitted from him. Something I couldn’t ignore…not even if I wanted to. And after what just happened inside…I didn’t want to even try.

  I had enough of thinking. I had enough of worrying about ramifications. Heaving breath after painful breath into my grating lungs, I pressed up onto my toes. His drenched hair stuck up as I pushed my hand back through it.

  Pressed against him, my body shook continually. Before I could register what happened, I was backed up to the side of the truck, when a hand dropped from my face and reached behind me. The length of his frame pressed against me for a brief moment before he stepped back, pulling me with him by the arms to drape his leather jacket around my shoulders. I’m sure I looked absolutely ridiculous in a jacket that was literally about four sizes too big, but I didn’t care. It smelled like Walker.

  He fisted the collar, drawing me nearer. “We’ll get there, darlin’. If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll make damn fucking sure you remember,” and just like the song, I felt the conviction behind each solemn word he spoke.

  My hands brazenly wandered over the clinging white material covering his torso. Damn, I was right…he was built like a fucking God. My fingers dipped into the dells separating his muscles, and I felt him gasp as my hands roamed selfishly over his body. I risked a glance up into his eyes. An ocean full of patience, an ocean full of tenacity and fortitude…an ocean full of profound feeling looked back at me.

  “I don’t need memories,” I voiced with recognition and a shake of my head to stress my opinion.

  He scuffed his hand down his face removing the accumulation of silver trails and droplets. When his hand wasn’t obscuring his gorgeously handsome, rugged profile, a bemused frown was set firmly in place.

  “I don’t need memories when I remember what I feel.”

  In the emptiness of the lot, we panted through the downpour, while widened, crucial eyes sought out further acceptance of my assertion. Calloused hands freed the beads on my face. His gaze darted between my eyes and my lips as he held my head between large hands.

  I was licking my lips when his head stooped forward against mine. My arms wrapped around him with locked hands placed steadily at the back of his neck. I clutch him closely and urgently. “The feeling is what I remember.”

  And that was it. Lips crashed down against my own. My back collided with the steel of the truck behind me as he pinned me. Shunting myself up onto my toes, I pushed myself into the hardness of his body while tongues dipped and swept through each other’s mouths eagerly. The abrasive sensation of his gruff which I had sought-after for what felt like a lifetime, was pressed and working against my mouth with as much vigor as his invading tongue, inside my mouth.

  Breathless and needy, we swallowed each other’s groans and whimpers before finally pulling our mouths away.

  “Jesus Christ, Mary mother of God,” he breathed against my face, his breath bittersweet as it spiraled up my nostrils. “Kady––”

  I shot my index finger up and it pressed against his lips, his skillful, molded lips. “Don’t,” I shook my head faintly and curled my lips while the rain pooled in the deepened frown line scored into my brow. “Don’t ruin this moment…please.” My lips immediately replaced my finger as it slipped away, trailing down to hold his chin.

  “You’re going to freeze to death unless we get you inside,” he whispered against my mouth. I sniggered inwardly. Death…? Something was telling me I would happily take that option, than come face to face with Liam. “Come on…in the truck you get, darlin’.”

  Bashful glances were passed to and fro like a game of volleyball, as we made the journey back to the house. I mused over why were we suddenly so nervous around one another? For an ephemeral moment, I had hoped it wasn’t the, ‘friends passing the point of no return’ problem that Liv often warbled on about. But that was a short-lived musing as my mind and my chest shot back to his heartrending elucidation, and the feelings which were provoked back at McGinty’s made themselves known once again. A smile kissed my lips…kissed.

  I sunk my teeth into my lower lip as I shifted in the seat, the leather of the jacket around me objecting with loud creaks as I did so. The urgency, the feeling, the relief…man could that man kiss.

  He eased up at a red light. “Hey…” A hand came crashing down on my thigh while I buried myself further and further into the Walker-sized leather jacket. It smelled divine. Gradually, I peeked over the bench and offered a knowing grin before rolling my lips over my teeth adorably. The look in his eye told me everything I needed. He knew I wasn’t regretting the moment back there, in the slightest. I set my hand atop of his as he continued to cover my thigh. Smiling like he just found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, he squeezed my leg before pressing the gas.

  Like light shining through a perfectly cut facet, blinding white lights beamed through each of the trailing raindrops upon the driver side window, wheels screeched and span as horns blared. My stomach roiled as it freefell with alarm, unease and sheer panic as my heart lurched from my heaving chest to my gullet. He slammed on the brakes, tossing us both forward and narrowly missing the approaching truck as it shot past at the juncture.

  “Fuck,” he yelled. “Are you alright, darlin’?”

  Shaken up, I hung my head and concentrated profusely on making my lungs work. Devastated by a form of déjà vu, I endeavored to push the gut churning sensation aside by screwing my eyes as tight as physically possible, until I was seeing colored dots dancing across my closed lids.

  The recognizable Irish lilt burned a chasm through my unease as he called my name, the finger under my chin luring my head back. I fluttered my lids to see panicked eyes staring back at me. “Are you okay, darlin’?”

  Panting, I flailed my head.

  “I am so fucking sorry, darlin’.” He sprawled over the bench seat and scattered gentle, apologetic kisses over my brow, cheeks, and nose before settling on my mouth. “I’m so, so sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” I sighed, acceding to the calm I felt wash over me after he spread each one of his tender, apologetic kisses over my face. “It’s okay.”

  After pulling into the driveway, we slipped out of the truck, and began treading up the front steps with Walker playfully poking my in the ribs from just behind. “Come on, Kady, get your ass up these steps, woman. I’m getting wet,” he ordered. But through the darkness of the
night, his playful demand might had well be broadcast at the NFL Superbowl.

  “Shush, you know what Steinbeck’s like,” I chided with unmasked wit.

  “’Aye, that woman is worse than a fucking bloodhound. Chuck her a steak; it might throw her off the scent a little.”

  The peak of the steps was reached before I craned my head to glare at him. He continued to grin like a schoolboy who just drew an obscene sketch in the bathroom. “What?” he giggled, his shoulders meeting his ears as he shrugged ingenuously.

  I arched my brow and fixed accusing eyes upon the sexy Irishman. “Throw her off the scent?”

  Arms, both strong and possessive encompassed my waist right away, hauling me into the firmness of the soaking wet Irish God in front of me. “Well,” all indication of cheeriness was lost in his voice, only to be replaced by absolute staunchness. His head dipped to rest against mine, while my hands rose and settled on his pectorals. I dug my nails in as desire slowly spawned.

  What was it about pushing your luck and cavorting in public when you shouldn’t?

  “You can’t tell me I haven’t marked you,” he finished in his husky, seductive brogue.

  “Scent? Marked me? Walker, you’re doing a mighty fine job of making me feel like the streetlamp, and you a dog.”

  “You are not territory, Kady. You’re a person, a person who I––”

  “Shush…” That index finger came up again to silence his words. Words were still confusing…feelings, my own feelings, I could try to assimilate. His…I don’t think I was ready for him to tell me whatever it was he wanted to. His display at McGinty’s had been powerful enough. Powerful enough to have me in uncontrollable sobs and forfeit any rational thought in my sexually frustrated head. “Let’s get inside.”