I hadn’t changed my apartment, my job, or even my relationship status. It was as if I had stuck my toe in the water of change, but pulled back before I could get too wet.
With all these thoughts rolling around in my head I was feeling a strong desire to write. I wanted to get them all down before I forgot them. Everyone at the retreat seemed to be sound asleep. I thought I could easily sneak out and find my computer.
As I crept out of the communal tent, I noticed that there were a few lights set up around the perimeter of the campsite. I imagined that they were there for nighttime wanderers like me.
Instead of heading down the path to the bathroom, I went straight for the supplies tent. I figured that had to be where they stashed the technology they confiscated. That still made me feel a little uneasy. I began to unzip the front flap of the tent. I almost had it open, when I heard a scuffling noise. I turned to see David standing a few feet behind me.
“Samantha, right?” He smiled.
It seemed he was always smiling. I felt as if I’d been nabbed by the principal. It was strange to see a man younger than myself as an authority figure. I shook off the idea quickly.
“Yes.” I waited for him to throw me out of the retreat or lock me up somewhere for my transgression. My mind filled with wild panicked thoughts.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
“I just thought maybe I could get my computer for just a few minutes. You see, I’m a writer and I came on this retreat to get inspired. It seems to be working, and I want to type everything out before I forget it.”
“Don’t you trust yourself?” He frowned.
“Trust myself? What does that have to do with it?”
“Well, you said you need to record it before you forget it. If it is really important to you—if it really made that much of an impact—shouldn’t you trust that by tomorrow afternoon you will still remember it?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think I want to take the risk. Is it really that big of a deal to get my computer?” I felt a little impatient.
“No, it’s really not a big deal to get your computer. But I think the big deal is that you don’t trust yourself.” He met my eyes.
I took a slight step back. There was something strange about the way he looked at me. It was not as if it was a magical moment, but I felt very much on display. As if he could find the truth whether I liked it or not.
“I trust myself.”
“I overheard you saying that you wouldn’t even try to do the hot coals tomorrow.” He shrugged. “That’s not a problem. It’s your choice. But it made me wonder why you would make that choice. You seem like a brave and adventurous person. So what would stop you from taking that challenge and breaking through your fear?”
“Well, to be honest, I’m very clumsy.” I laughed a little. “I trip over things that aren’t even there. I really don’t want to end up with my face planted in hot coals.”
“So you don’t trust your mind or your heart to remember what you’ve been inspired by. You don’t trust your body to get you through challenging times in life. What part of yourself do you trust?”
Chapter 8
I stared at David with a mixture of annoyance and admiration. I was annoyed because I still suspected he might be trying to con me into some secret society. But I couldn’t help admiring him for being able to point out something that I’d been avoiding for the longest time.
He was right. I didn’t trust myself. With every new adventure I embarked on, I had to battle a whole slew of self-doubts. Was that what was getting in the way of my writing?
“You might be right, David.”
“I might be.” He smiled. “I might not be. But I know I’ve enjoyed our conversation. Shall I get your computer for you?” He stepped towards the tent.
“No.” I smiled. “I think I’ll wait until after the retreat.”
“It’s your choice.” He winked at me. “I hope you’ll think about giving those hot coals a try tomorrow. I think you’ll find that your body is much more trustworthy than you think.”
“I’ll think about it.” I smiled as he walked away. “No way, not going to happen.” I muttered my words once he was out of earshot.
I did feel more liberated as I walked back to the tent. I didn’t feel the need to get everything down right away. I felt that if the inspiration I was feeling truly did have a real impact on my heart and mind, then I would recall it the next day. That didn’t change my opinion about the hot coals, though. David might be wise, but he had no idea what it was like to be born with two left feet.
I woke up the next morning with a good dose of enthusiasm. I wanted to start the day. It had been a while since I felt that sense of excitement just in waking up. I had to give the retreat a thumbs-up for already having such a good impact on me.
I wasn’t the first one up. Many of the other guests were already roaming around the park.
I was relieved to see that we were not expected to forage for food. There was an assortment of fresh fruit, egg sandwiches, and muffins available to consume. I helped myself to some strawberries and a small banana nut muffin. It wasn’t exactly on my diet plan, but I planned to enjoy it anyways.
As I mingled with the other guests, I noticed that many of them were talking about the last activity of the day—walking across the hot coals.
“I’m looking forward to it.” A man who looked to be in his thirties was talking to Gail. “I want to be the first one to go.”
“Oh, it’s really great. It’s such a high. You feel like nothing can stop you once you get across.” Gail nodded.
I cringed. No matter what I might feel after accomplishing it, I wasn’t going to be able to do it. I knew that David would point that out as setting myself up for failure from the start, but I didn’t care. It was one thing to splash in a puddle of mud. It was quite another to bellyflop onto a pile of hot coals. I shuddered at the thought.
David first took us through some important exercises that had us practicing the hot coal walk and then he had us engaged in small group exercises throughout the day. I stuck with Gail and Henry since they were more experienced with the program. There was one other woman in our group, Shana, who was a first-timer like me.
“For the final exercise before our last activity, I would like you to ask each of your group members about their greatest fear, what their dream is, and what they feel is holding them back. Now, if any of you are not comfortable sharing, that is fine. Don’t feel that you have to. However, the point of this exercise is to be honest with yourself and get your fears out into the open so that you can work on them.”
Each of the members in my group took their turn. When it was my turn, I felt a familiar anxiety about having all of the attention on me. I did my best to ignore it.
“My greatest fear.” I thought to myself. I had many fears. I was afraid that I would never meet my weight loss goal. I was afraid that I would gain more weight back. I was afraid that I would never buy a house or visit another country. But my greatest fear, if I was completely honest with myself, had nothing to do with any of that.
“I guess it would be not having passion in my life.” I lied a little. I didn’t want to be the only sap in the group that admitted my greatest fear was that I might never get that one great love. “My dream is to be a successful writer.” I smiled. “I would really like to do that. I think what’s holding me back is my belief that anything good in life has to be a struggle. I feel like I have to fight for it. Maybe if I could just relax and enjoy the flow of the words, I would be able to write.”
“I used to think that I had to force joy into my life.” Gail laughed a little. “I mean it got to the point that I would get terribly angry at myself for not being happy. It took one of these seminars for me to realize that my being angry for not being happy was never going to get me where I wanted to be. I had to learn to trust that things will fall into place. The more relaxed I am, the more things I find to be happy about.”
“That’s a good point
.” I said to Gail. “I think if I just trusted life a little more and its natural balance, I wouldn’t be so anxious about things.”
“Alright, everyone, let’s gather by the campfire for our last activity.” David clapped his hands to get everyone’s attention.
Chapter 9
As we walked toward the hot coals, I thought about what Gail had just said. I assumed that I would trip and fall walking across the hot coals. But maybe if I just trusted life a bit more, I would see that things would work out. I watched a few others rush across the coals. It didn’t seem as difficult as I thought it would be.
“Ready to try, Samantha?” David asked.
“I’ll give it a shot.” I thought maybe someone had answered for me until I realized the words were coming out of my own mouth. I felt a little disconnected from my own body as I walked up to the coals. Was I really going to do this?
“I can do this. I can overcome my fears.” I kept repeating the same words in a whisper. I knew that I probably looked pretty foolish, but no one was teasing me. Everyone was there for the same reason—to find a way to be inspired in life.
I felt very supported as I lifted my foot up off the ground. I pushed all the thoughts of my clumsy mishaps out of my mind. I stopped wondering what Max would think or what Blue would think. Instead, I simply took a step forward.
The moment that the heat hit the tender skin of the sole of my foot, I panicked.
“No!” I shouted the word. “That is not okay!” I jumped backward and nearly stumbled over David, who had stepped up behind me. For just a moment I thought he might have intended to shove me forward.
“Samantha, are you okay?” His brow was furrowed with concern as he looked at me.
“I am now.” I shifted my foot in the cool grass. “Why is that so hot?”
“If you move quickly, you barely feel it.”
I looked over at the good-intentioned man that had volunteered that gem. “Apparently, I don’t move quickly. I happen to like the skin on my foot right where it is—not burned off.”
“It’s okay, Samantha. Not everyone is able to walk across the coals. Some people have more sensitive skin.” David patted my shoulder. “The important thing is that you gave it a shot, and I’m sure that you learned some things about yourself along the way.”
My chest tightened with disappointment. It was one thing to think it was foolish to walk across hot coals and quite another to be the only person at the seminar that did not do it. I felt like yet again I had hit a brick wall. How could I ever expect to be successful if I couldn’t overcome my fears?
“I’m sorry.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry about, Samantha. You did a great job.”
“I didn’t do it at all.”
“You tried.”
“Trying hasn’t gotten me anywhere!” My frustration was bubbling over in the form of tears and mumbled words. I wanted to be brave and strong like everyone around me. Instead, I felt like a coward. I had given up at the first hint of heat.
I thought about trying again, but my foot still hurt from the first attempt. I didn’t want to be in pain.
“I should just go. Can I have my things?”
David’s eyes filled with sympathy. “Of course. I will have someone bring them to you.” He gestured to one of his assistants. “But Samantha, I think you need to realize that today was not a failure. It was the first rung on the stepladder to freedom.”
I did my best not to think about punching him. The more he told me that I hadn’t failed, the more I felt like I had. I watched for the man to return with my computer and cell phone. I was so ashamed that I couldn’t wait to get away from everyone.
As he was walking toward me he didn’t see the flip-flops that had been abandoned beside the hot coals. I opened my mouth to warn him, but before I could he tripped over the shoes. As he tried to catch his balance, my laptop flew out of his hands. I watched in horror as it sailed through the air.
I knew that it was going to hit the ground and shatter. Without a second thought, I bolted forward. My eyes stayed on the laptop. I moved as fast as I could to catch it. When I felt it land in my hands, I felt a huge sense of relief.
At first I thought all of the applause was just in my own head. Then I realized that everyone around me was clapping. I lifted the laptop in a sign of victory. Only then did I realize that my feet felt rather hot. I looked down to see I was standing right at the end of the path of hot coals. Without even knowing it, I’d run right across them and made it to the other side.
As the seminar broke up, I felt an intense sensation of gratitude—not just for David and the program he had created, but for the people that I had met during the process. These were people just like me who were having similar struggles in life. I wasn’t the only one in the world who worried about missing out on love, or bellyflopping onto hot coals.
I decided that I would walk home instead of being driven. It was a bit of a hike, but I thought I could use the time to think.
Chapter 10
As I walked away from the entrance of the park, I heard a car pull up beside me. My first instinct was to look tough and ignore the car. But it continued to roll just beside me at the same pace. I turned to look. Max waved at me from the driver’s seat.
“What are you doing?”
“What are you doing?” I raised an eyebrow.
“I came to rescue you. I tried texting you last night and this morning. When I didn’t get a response I got worried, so I wanted to make sure that you were okay. You know—that you hadn’t been eaten by rats or rich people.”
“I’m okay.” I smiled. I opened the passenger-side door. “I’m more than okay, actually. I need to get home so that I can write.”
“Well, it sounds like the retreat did its job.”
“I guess it did.”
As Max drove me towards my apartment, I thought about what he said.
David’s words had had an impact on me, that was for sure, but that wasn’t what had made me overcome my fear of the hot coals.
I had run across them without a second thought because I saw something that meant everything to me about to be destroyed. No, it wasn’t the laptop. That could be replaced. It was my writing and my future as a writer. When I saw that computer sailing through the air, I was sure that it would mean the end of my career before it had even really had the chance to start. Without even thinking about it, I had bolted after it.
That was the kind of attitude I needed to have when it came to my career. I needed to stop thinking about it and just bolt toward it. If it was worth so much to me, then I had to go for it—without a second thought.
I told Max all about the seminar as he drove.
“Sounds like I might be able to use one of those.” He winked at me. “There’s plenty of things that I am too afraid to do.”
“Really?” I was stunned as I looked at him. I had never thought of Max as being afraid. He was always so cool and confident. I rarely saw him flustered. “Like what?”
“Are you going to tell me what you’re afraid of?” He pulled the car to a stop in front of my apartment.
My heart pounded. I saw an opportunity to reveal the truth, to tell him how I felt about him. Was I brave enough?
Max met my eyes. “Well?”
“Uh, maybe another time. I need to get some work done. Thanks for the ride.” I hopped out of the car and closed the door before he could question me further.
Max rolled down his window. “Maybe next time we can do the retreat together.”
“That would be fun. Thanks for the ride.” I leaned in to kiss his cheek. He turned his head and I accidentally caught the corner of his lips. The electrical jolt that went through me created an instant heat in my cheeks. I turned away before he could notice.
“Any time. It might not be a Lexus, but it’s got one perk that no other car does.”
“A broken radio?” I smiled.
“No, I meant me.” He rolled his eyes.
I
laughed as he drove away. Then I hurried inside. I refused to allow even a near kiss with Max to derail me from my task at hand. I was ready to add more than just a paragraph. I was ready to add chapters upon chapters.
It was around two in the morning when I finally stopped writing. I really only stopped because my wrists had begun to ache. I was more than happy with the content I’d managed to create.
As I sat back and stared at the blinking cursor, I felt a sense of gratitude wash over me. Not only had I found my writing bug again, I’d had the opportunity to go after a career I was passionate about. Not everyone had that opportunity.
Of course there were plenty of writers out there in the world, but no two writers were exactly alike. They all had their own unique perspective, including me. I was hoping that someone would find my perspective interesting enough to buy my books.
I stretched and yawned. I was ready to go to bed. But before I could, I knew that there was one more thing that needed to be done.
Everything I had learned at the seminar, I wanted to share with the readers of my blog. Not word for word, of course, but the experience. More specifically, I wanted to share it with Blue. If he read between the lines about my desire to be brave and confident, he might figure out that I was speaking directly to him. I was getting closer every day to being bold enough to ask one of the two men in my life to be more than just friends. But which one was the right one?
To distract myself I pulled out my bucket list. I smiled as I added “walk across hot coals” to my list and promptly crossed it out as done. It was way too cool to not have it written down. Now it was time to choose the next item on my list. The seminar had inspired me to pick something that I had a deep fear of trying. Learn to swim stood out for me right away. I had a fear of water that had kept me on the beach long enough. It was time to confront it.
Single Wide Female: The Bucket List
20 Learn to Swim
By
Lillianna Blake
Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) Page 56
