Copyright © 2015 Lillianna Blake
Cover design by Beetiful Book Covers
All rights reserved.
LilliannaBlake.com
Chapter 1
I gazed up at the colorful list that I held above me. It was fun to look at. It was more than just a list of ideas and adventures that I wanted to try during my weight-loss journey. I had drawn little pictures in the margins and added little notes about the things that I’d accomplished. It was a lot like a scrapbook of all of my experiences since I’d begun. I had certainly done a lot in a short period of time—much more than I ever would have thought possible in the past.
Today was the day that I would start my swimming lessons. Learning to be a stronger swimmer had been on my list from the very beginning, but I’d been avoiding it—mainly because I was hoping to lose more weight before I put on a bathing suit.
The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized how silly that was. Swimming was great exercise and a great way for me to get more comfortable with my body. I had quite a few bathing suits that I’d purchased, mostly as motivation to keep me on track for reaching my goal weight. I put a star by my “learn to swim” bucket list item and set the list down on the bedside table.
Then I walked over to my closet. It was filled with clothes that were my size and clothes that were a few sizes smaller.
As a rule, I got rid of all of the clothes that got too big for me as I lost weight. I didn’t want to have the option of wearing them again. Of course I had a few pairs of sweats and pajama pants that were on the larger size, but I did my best to stick to my rule.
Bathing suits were always a tricky thing for me to try on. I felt embarrassed whenever I selected one to take to the dressing room, as if everyone might be wondering why I’d even think of wearing a bathing suit.
In my mind, the whole world had a problem with me because of my weight. What I didn’t realize at the time—and was beginning to learn—was that most people probably hadn’t even noticed me.
I saw a woman who was trying on a bathing suit when I was at the store the week before. I smiled at her as she walked to the dressing room. I don’t know if she noticed.
Life was hard enough without having to be scared of things like fitting rooms and spandex.
Now I had a few bathing suits in my closet. I had a suit to wear to the beach, one to wear to the pool, and one for water adventures—like water parks, water skiing, or anything else that was somewhat active.
I had chosen the suit I would wear before I ever signed up for swimming class. It was simple, flexible, and covered the areas I wanted to stay covered. I didn’t think that there would ever be a time that I felt confident in a swimsuit, but I really hoped that there would be.
The thing about bathing suits was that there was no way to cover up certain areas. I’d tried lots of different kinds. From the traditional one-piece, to a suit with a skirt, to a tankini, to shorts and a top. What I found was that no matter what I wore, I was never really comfortable, because I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin.
Now I had a new perspective.
Even though I could see bulges and lumps, I was proud of how much progress I’d made since the last time I’d worn a bathing suit.
Being a bigger woman was the reason I wasn’t a stronger woman. Being big hadn’t prevented me from being able to swim, but in my head it did. I never wanted to be seen floundering in the water like a beached whale. So I learned enough to keep myself from drowning and never really moved forward from there.
Part of the problem was that I had been teased as a child. Little kids can be cruel. As a child, I was a little bigger than other kids, but not to any extreme. However, that slight difference in size was enough to make me a target at the swimming pool. The more other kids teased me, the bigger I felt. The bigger I felt, the more I ate to hide my emotions. It wasn’t the only thing that led to my weight gain, but it certainly played a part.
The last time I’d really spent any time in the water was when I was on vacation with Max. There were a few moments when I felt frightened because of going too deep. I didn’t feel confident in my ability to swim for any length of time.
Since I’d been exercising more, I knew that I had gotten stronger and my endurance was better. It was time for me to learn to swim well, so that I would never have to feel insecure in the water—plus it was great exercise.
The bathing suit I wore was a simple black suit with subtle gold flecks. It was pretty enough and it fit my body well.
The class I signed up for was at a local gym. It was during the day, so I was hoping that it would be mostly adults—and if I was lucky, mostly women. I wanted to meet men, but preferably not while I was learning to brave the deep end. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it through the first class, but I tried to remind myself to be brave and confident. I was still spinning back and forth in the mirror to get a good look at how my body had changed, when there was a knock on the door.
“Hey, it’s Max!”
Chapter 2
I smiled at the voice that carried through the door. I grabbed a shirt to cover up, then stopped myself. I was proud of the changes in my body. Out of everyone in the world, I could count on Max to be proud of me too.
“Come in!”
Max walked into the apartment as I walked out of the bedroom. His expression brightened at the sight of me.
“Are we going to the beach?”
“I’m going to a swimming lesson.”
“The beach would be more fun. Remember?” His eyes sparkled.
I did remember. At least once a week, if not once a day, I remembered the vacation we’d taken together. I remembered his arms around me, the water rushing around us and the “almost kiss.”
“I remember. But, I also remember that I didn’t feel very confident in the water, so I’m going to take some lessons to make me a stronger swimmer.”
“Is there time for a cup of coffee before?” Max helped himself to some coffee in the kitchen.
“Sure.” I poured my own and joined him at the table. “What’s going on? I always like your company, but I can tell when you have something you want to talk about.”
“Well, to be honest, I have this problem.” He sipped his coffee.
“Problem?”
“Yes. One of the women at work has a crush on me.”
“Oh?” I held back the venomous thoughts I had about that woman.
“Yes, she’s making it pretty obvious.”
“So, why not ask her out?” I tried to sound casual.
“She’s not really my type.”
“Oh.” I nodded a little. Max’s type was skinny and beautiful.
“I mean, it’s like there’s no life in her. She barely ever smiles. Besides, I’m not really on the market right now.”
“Why not?” I looked at him with surprise.
“I decided to take a break. I’ve dated enough.”
I stared at him. “But you’ve never taken that kind of break.”
“Exactly. That’s why I need to. Anyway, what can I do to get this woman to leave me alone?”
“I’m not exactly experienced in deflecting crushes. But the best thing is probably to tell her the truth. Don’t let her keep her hopes up. Just take her aside one day and let her know that you’re flattered, but you’re not interested in dating right now.”
“Is that what you would do?” Max met my eyes.
It was strange the way he was looking at me so steadily. It made me think that the question was loaded with more than just curiosity.
“I don’t know. I guess.” I looked away. Was he trying to send me a message that he knew about my crush and he needed it to stop?
“Great. Thanks for your help.” He offered a relaxed smile. “A swimming lesson, hm?” Max tilted his head to the side. “I thought you could swim.”
“I can survive.” I laughed. “I wouldn’t call that swimming. But I don’t know how well I’ll do with the class, either.”
/> “I’m sure that you’ll do great.” He gazed at me for a moment. “Maybe I should give you some motivation.”
“Motivation?” I raised an eyebrow. Anything Max offered me would likely be very motivating.
“When you’re done with your lessons, we’ll have a race. If I win, you have to take me to dinner. If you win, you have to take me to dinner.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I think you’re a little mixed up there.”
“What? You don’t want to go to dinner with me?” He poured all of his charm into his smile.
“I’d love to. But there’s no way I could beat you.”
“Why?” He leaned forward some. “I’ve never taken any swimming lessons. I can swim, but it’s not like I’m a professional.”
“You know why.” I rolled my eyes. “You’re a bit lighter than me.”
“That again?” Max frowned. “You’re perfect the way you are, Sammy. Don’t put limitations on yourself.”
I met his eyes. It was the reminder that I needed. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I could leave your scrawny butt behind.”
“Scrawny?” Max feigned deep offense. “There’s nothing scrawny about my butt. Do I need to prove it?” He stood up and spun around.
“Max!” I laughed as he hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his pants.
“So it’s a deal?” He looked over his shoulder. “You and I—a race across the pool?”
“Alright, fine.” I smiled. It wasn’t as if I had anything to lose. Either way I would get to see Max in his suit, which was always pleasant. “I guess I better get going, then. I’m going to need all of the class time that I can get.”
“I can drop you off if you’d like.”
“No, that’s okay. I’m going to drive. Thanks, though.”
After Max left, I took one last look in the mirror. I straightened my suit. Then I tossed on an overshirt and some shorts. It had been quite interesting to sit with Max in my bathing suit.
As I drove to the gym, I thought about how lucky I was to have such a supportive man in my life. More than anyone else, Max been my cheerleader throughout my weight loss process. Whenever I thought about confiding in him—confessing that I had a massive crush on him—I thought about not having that support. If I made things awkward between us, it might never be the same. Eventually we’d drift apart due to the tension and then the most amazing person in my life would be gone. I just couldn’t risk it. Not even if I was being brave and confident.
Then there was Blue—my virtual admirer. He seemed to connect with me in a way that I never had with anyone else. Sometimes the advice he shared made me think that he had crawled inside my brain. That was a powerful friendship too, even if we’d never met in person.
I wanted more than anything to be in a relationship lately, but I didn’t want to risk losing the friendships that I valued so much. So the only thing I could do was continue down my path of self-discovery and hope that it led to the right relationship.
Chapter 3
The scent of chlorine hit my nose as soon as I opened the door to the pool area. It wasn’t a bad smell, but it did conjure up some not-so-great memories. At one point I adored being in the pool. It wasn’t until the teasing started that I did my best to avoid it. I felt like I was that little girl again as I walked across the tiled floor toward the pool. To my relief, there were quite a few women in the class, but there were a few men as well. No one seemed to notice me approaching.
No one is going to tease you, Sammy. Just be brave and be confident.
I lifted my chin and straightened my shoulders. I kept my eyes straight ahead.
A woman with a high ponytail and the most muscular thighs I’d ever seen walked toward the group waiting by the side of the pool. She wasn’t skinny; she was thick. But to me, it looked to be pure muscle. I admired her physique and also felt some relief that the teacher was a woman.
I was so busy keeping my eyes up,that I didn’t notice a pool noodle lying on the tile. I stepped down directly on it. When I felt the foam beneath my foot I instantly knew that I’d made a mistake, but it was too late.
The noodle began to roll forward across the tile toward the pool. I knew that I could either fall in and risk hitting my body on the side of the pool or I could jump in and hopefully clear the wall. I decided to jump. The water splashed up around me. I waited for my feet to touch the bottom. I just kept sinking, and sinking.
I started to panic as I realized that I’d jumped into the deep end. With cupped hands I frantically dug at the water in an attempt to keep my head above the surface. I could swim better than that, but everything had happened so fast that my heart was pounding and my mind was spinning. I couldn’t think straight enough to remember how to tread water. Even though I was trying so hard to get across the pool to the edge, I was only succeeding in splashing in a small circle.
The next thing I knew someone else had jumped into the water. I felt a strong arm wrap around my waist from behind. I relaxed, as I thought it was the teacher escorting me back to the side of the pool. I reached the edge, but I was very out of breath. I tried to pull myself up on the side of the pool but my heart was still racing and my hands kept slipping. I felt hands from behind me pushing up on my hips.
As I struggled to climb out of the water, the teacher hurried over to me and offered me her hand. I took it, and then became aware that if she was pulling me out, she couldn’t also be pushing me out. I glanced over my shoulder to see a drop-dead gorgeous lifeguard hoisting me up from the water. It was all of the motivation I needed to scramble my way onto the pool deck. I was mortified as I stumbled to my feet.
“Careful there. Are you okay?” The teacher smiled kindly at me. “I’m Mira and I’m sorry about the pool noodle. I thought that I’d cleared the entire pool deck.”
I wiped some water off my face and tried to avoid looking directly at the lifeguard, who was climbing out of the pool as well.
“I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?” The lifeguard put his hand on my shoulder—my nearly naked shoulder—which his beautiful tanned hand was now touching. I bit into my bottom lip. Do not say anything stupid, Sammy.
“I’m sure. Thanks to you—my hero.” The words just fell out of my mouth along with a goofy smile. The lifeguard laughed a little and jumped back into the pool.
I felt ridiculous. I really wished I could just rewind time a few minutes and avoid the pool noodle. Mira must have noticed my expression.
“Hey, don’t worry about it. You got a head start. The lifeguard’s name is Isaac, by the way—just in case you need to get his attention.” She laughed.
I nodded and reminded myself to be brave.
After some introductions Mira led us into the shallow end of the pool.
“One of the biggest stumbling blocks between being a struggling swimmer and a good swimmer is being unfamiliar with our bodies.” Mira raised her hands up out of the water. “We are not designed for swimming exactly. We don’t have fins or webbed anything. Even though being in the water can be a soothing and relaxing experience, it can also be frightening. On dry ground you don’t have to think about breathing—it just happens. But in the water, you do have to think about it.”
She ran her fingers through the water. “Our lungs need oxygen, not water. Many people believe that if they simply stay in the shallow end, they don’t really have a reason to learn how to swim. But I can tell you that there is always a reason to learn. Maybe one day you’re out on a boat and it capsizes. Maybe you’re in shallow water but experience a health emergency that keeps you from being able to get out of the water. Or maybe you’re walking down a path beside a lake one day, and you see someone in the water struggling, with no one else around to help.
“So, as you can see, there are several instances where even though you didn’t intend to swim, you might be forced to. It’s better to know how.”
I made a mental note not to get on any boats any time soon.
Chapter 4
Mira con
tinued. “So, our first step is about recognizing what is holding us each back from swimming. Chuck, let’s start with you.”
She smiled at Chuck. Chuck was a burly man. He was broad enough that his extra weight made him look more like a lumberjack than someone struggling with diet and exercise. His hands were some of the largest that I’d ever seen—and puffy as if they were just a little swollen. If I’d seen him walking down the street, I likely would have avoided him. He just had an intimidating presence.
“Okay, well…” He huffed for a moment. “The truth is that I just can’t stand the idea of being under water. It was the worst when I took my kids swimming at the lake. They would always want to play with me, but I would never go too far into the water. Then one by one they began to learn how to swim. They noticed that I didn’t just not like to swim, I didn’t know how. Now I have grandchildren and I’m facing the same problem. I just decided that enough is enough—that it’s time I deal with a little fear and learn to swim.”
“I think that’s a great reason.” Mira nodded. “Years can go by without us realizing it. I have students who kept telling themselves that they would learn to swim next summer, then the next summer and the next. It’s something that is easily put off. But like Chuck here is saying, he had kids and grandchildren. What if one of them had a water emergency?”
“I’d hate to even think of it.” He shook his head.
“And you, Darlene?” Mira asked. “Why have you decided to learn to swim.”
“Well, to tell you the truth, I already know how to swim.” Darlene grimaced. She barely had her feet in the water and was hovering close to the steps. “In fact, in high school I was a competitive swimmer.”
“Really?” Mira looked surprised. “So then you probably know more about swimming than all of us.”
“Maybe.” Darlene frowned. “But I was with some friends on the beach a few years back. We were partying a little too much. We were being playful. One of my friends dared me to swim out past the waves. I didn’t hesitate—it was all for fun and I was a strong swimmer. So we both swam out. When I turned back, she was gone.”
“Oh, Darlene, I’m so sorry.” Mira touched her shoulder.
Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) Page 57
