by J. Kearston
“Winner gets a blowjob?” he offers, but she snorts.
“Everyone gets blowjobs around here, that’s nothing new. Up the stakes into something I can’t get already.”
I strum my fingers across my knee. “Loser has to mess up Luce’s office.”
There’s a heavy beat of silence before Atlas shakes his head. “He’d kill us. I doubt even Cambria would be spared his wrath.”
Her pupils dilate and I can guess where her mind is at, namely, in the gutter. “I’m game if you are.”
Atlas looks at her like she’s crazy. “I don’t think my balls could survive it.”
She eats up his fear like it’s her favorite treat. “All the more incentive not to lose.”
He grimaces before straightening and extending his hand. “You have yourself a wager then.” We head out and climb into my car, but it refuses to start.
“Pop the hood, I’ll take a quick look,” Atlas offers and I happily take him up on it, because fuck if I know a thing about cars. He spends a few minutes looking it over before coming back looking confident, so that’s a good sign at least. “Best guess would be a bad starter. Should we call off laser tag to get this handled first or wait until tomorrow?”
Cambria makes a strangled noise as we get out of the car. “We struck a deal, Atlas. You can’t just bail.”
I look her over, scanning for signs that she’s in any pain. “What happens if either party breaks the deal? I know you’re bound by it, but Atlas isn’t.”
“Personally, if I fail to uphold my side of the bargain, it’ll be like getting tasered until I cave and comply,” she admits, looking nervous. Atlas is frowning, wiping his hands on his jeans since he doesn’t have a rag. “Not a hell of a lot of fun, which is what makes betting Atlas so thrilling. I may be a masochist, but I’d like to avoid that if at all possible.”
I frown, wondering just how long that effect would last if the fae couldn’t comply, when something else nags for attention. “Hey, Atlas?”
He turns to look my way, and I don’t think he’s even noticed he’s still rubbing the back of his hand long after it was clearly clean. I just point, waiting for him to catch sight of the gesture. He inspects his hand and curses, the scarred mark looking red and irritated.
“Fuck, I just thought I brushed against something in the engine.” As if he still isn’t ready to believe it, he snatches a water bottle out of my car door and pours it over the skin to clear it off, but it changes nothing.
Cambria strides over and steals his hand, tracing the twisted scars with a delicate touch. Her face is scrunched up in contemplation, focused on his hand, and misses the way Atlas stares down at her with a small smile. Despite the fact his hand must be stinging like a bitch and the implications of that, he just leans into her touch, enjoying her fussing over him.
She meets his eye, gauging his reaction. “Shall we walk to laser tag then?”
I would have missed the infinitesimal glint in his eyes if I wasn’t searching for it. Just a tiny flash across the dark green irises, enough to confirm our growing theory.
We’re absorbing fae magic through our connection to her.
“Holy fuck.” My heart races, just imagining the implications of that revelation.
Does that mean we’ll eventually get just as run down as she does and need to return to the fae world to recharge? Are we going to continue to become like her or still stay human, just with similar hang-ups? Are we going to develop abilities of our own?
“I think his geeky heart is going to explode,” Atlas whispers mockingly loud behind the back of his hand.
Cambria has a nervous half-smile when she asks, “So, you’re not mad or going to throw up from horror that I infected you?”
I take two long strides and capture her face in my hands, kissing the hell out of her in my enthusiasm. “Goddamn, Cambria, you have made every single thing in my life better just by being in it.”
She snorts derisively, but doesn’t pull away. “I might have a few counter points to argue on that front.”
Shaking my head adamantly, I kiss her again, reverently this time. “I will gladly take the bad with the good. A part of me always desperately wanted to believe things like this could happen, but I knew it was just a daydream. Yet you, Cambria Alina Lark, are far better than anything I could conjure on my own. I have nothing to offer that could even come close to the gift you’ve given me just by showing up in my life, but hell, I will certainly spend the rest of my days trying to show you how much you mean to me.”
The look she gives me is vulnerable, and I already know she isn’t going to say anything, will be internally scrambling to figure out what an appropriate response is. So I give her the only thing I’m able to, even though it doesn’t come close to all she’s given me.
“Come on, daylight’s wasting.”
She visibly sags in relief, taking my hand as we start the long walk since we can’t all fit on Atlas’ bike. Between Lucien and Cambria, I owe nearly my entire existence to other people. Lucien saved me from death’s door, took care of me, and helped me start my own business. Cambria, fuck; I don’t even know where to begin, but I’m going to marry that girl if it’s the last thing I do.
I’d be no one without them, yet I want to be everything for them. Even Atlas, who has wormed his way into our inner circle until I can hardly remember the time before he showed up. While I respect and adore Luce, Atlas was my first actual friend. He’s always felt like an outsider until recent weeks and I’m glad to see him just as happy as the rest of us at last.
We push open the door to the massive arcade, working our way to the back and waiting for the next round to start. Watching the clock for the current match countdown, we suit up with a handful of others, adjusting the straps on our vests while a teenage kid goes over the rules. When a buzzer goes off, about a dozen people file out and it’s our turn to get divided into teams.
Atlas and I are on one with a handful of strangers and Cambria on the opposing side. She strikes up a conversation with a girl around her age instantly, laughing and scheming. It hits me that with everything going on, and how much I adore being around her, we’ve pretty much restricted her entire world to the three of us. Before we came along, she had that girl from the club, Stella, and she’s brought up before how smothering it’s been going from one extreme to another. So when Atlas starts to try and switch places with a guy, I stop him.
“We’re close enough to her that she’s okay; let her have a little freedom. We’ve pretty much been breathing down her neck since we met her.”
He gives me a strange look, but doesn’t argue. He knows I would gladly take any and all chances to be around her, so if I’m not, there’s a legitimate reason whether or not he sees it yet.
We head through the door, the space a dimly lit maze. Each team splits off in separate directions, weaving out of sight and ducking behind various obstacles. There’s a loud buzzer to signal the start of the game and we’re off, running in a crouch.
I jump behind a wall when I see a head pop out in the path ahead of me, waiting as he inches his way closer before rolling out and locking my beam on his chest target. There’s a ten second shut down of his system before he can fire and I use that time to sprint away, crossing paths with another of my team. Hiding to avoid getting hit would be useless since the goal is to get the highest number of points.
The minutes fly by as we run around like trigger happy mice, eager to ignore the problems the world wants to bury us in for just a little longer. My gear shuts down as I take a hit, so I take the minute to catch my breath in the stifling room. When some guy shoves past me, I clench my teeth, but take a few slow breaths through my nose to settle down despite the sweaty smell of the place.
Another few minutes pass and a teammate’s hand lands on my shoulder, jerking me back before I can step foot into the adjoining open hallway. “Hold up, there’s someone out there,” he states, zoned into the game and ignoring my discomfort. I brush him off, taking a s
tep back and shaking my head.
He was just helping me, helping the team.
I follow his lead out there, using him as a human shield when it turns out to actually be three people waiting for us. Beams of light and fake shooting noises fill the air and the next thing I know, another couple of people from our team end up behind me. I get buffeted around and knocked back into someone who shoves me forward. Before I even know what’s happening, I’ve thrown a few punches, only snapping out of it when Atlas tackles me out of nowhere, pinning me on the ground.
“Calm the fuck down, D. It’s just a game,” he hisses, ignoring my thrashing.
“Get the hell off of me,” I spit back, the vulnerable position only succeeding at making me buck harder.
He’s only trying to help, but he’s making it ten times worse. I end up head butting him, quickly sitting up and sliding so my back is to the flimsy wall before rising to my feet, trying to conceal the tremors in my hands. My heart is pounding, making me feel like a cornered animal as people crowd around us. One guy is clutching a bloody nose, no more than twenty years old if I had to guess, and I’m just grateful as all hell I didn’t hit some underage teen in my reflexive panic.
I already know I fucked up, seeing some guy pulling his phone out to no doubt call the cops, and groan. At this rate, Luce is going to end up locking us in the basement before he ever leaves the house again.
“We need to get out of here,” Atlas mutters, mirroring my thoughts as he scans the crowd for Cambria, rubbing at his forehead from my hit.
She seamlessly works her way through the throng of bodies, stopping just out of reach. Her eyes race over the scene, making her own assumptions, and takes a slow step closer. There isn’t a single ounce of pity in her eyes, for which I’m immensely grateful. She keeps her movements languid and easy to anticipate, approaching me casually like there isn’t some huge scene playing out around us.
Because if Cambria is the master of anything, it’s pretending that everything’s okay.
“Hey, my strap is caught. Help me out?” she asks, offering me her side and cocking her hip in my direction.
I focus on that instead of the crowd, helping her out of the equipment before tearing mine off as well. Atlas ushers us towards the exit and we toss the vests and guns in the anteroom, striding outside swiftly.
The fresh air hits me, but even that isn’t a relief. I’m just so goddamn angry, pissed off at myself more than anything. All these years later and the hell my family put me through still haunts me. I haven’t been a scared little kid in nearly a decade and they still have so much power over me, can ruin my life without uttering a single word. And I just let it happen, time and time again, despite how much I don’t want to. I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds, but no matter how long I wait, the marks refuse to completely fade.
Atlas and Cambria walk a couple of steps ahead of me, making sure they’re both in my line of vision and don’t accidentally catch me off guard. I love their consideration, appreciate how much effort they’re going through to try and help, but I despise that they even need to. I’m the weakest fucking link in this family and I’m not sure I can stand living this way forever.
“Cambria?”
She twists to face me, walking backwards. “Yeah?”
I waver for a moment indecisively before just deciding to take the plunge. “Make me feel better?”
She raises an eyebrow. “I mean, I personally would recommend waiting until we get home after that last debacle.”
Groaning, I swipe a hand down my face in agitated frustration. “I’m not asking for a hand job in a back alley, I’m just-” I drop my hands to my side and give her my most earnest look- “I’m asking for help. Please? I don’t...I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”
She stops in her tracks, looking me over intently before she speaks. “You want me to try and manipulate your emotions?” She shakes her head slowly, looking uncomfortable. “I promised I’d never intentionally use my abilities on you guys.”
I stop walking, looking at her and feeling conflicted. I’m just so angry and I absolutely hate it. I may not want a fabricated cure, may want to be better, but if nearly a decade has passed and I still can’t stop my reactions, then will it ever actually end? I can’t spend my entire life lashing out and hostile, nor do I want to. I’ve spent enough time in the darkness that I want to enjoy every moment of the light life has to offer. I don’t want to think of the way they hit me, the way they touched me. I don’t want to spend my nights tossing and turning, reliving the way the people that were supposed to love and protect me hurt me so much that it resonates years later. I want to move on, and it’s clear I can’t get there by myself.
“I’m asking you to. Please.”
She looks to Atlas, but I’m not sure if she’s seeking a witness that she isn’t trying to manipulate me, or trying to get him to talk me out of it. Whatever she’s seeking though, she doesn’t find it in his face, turning away with a grimace.
His eyes are hard, but his voice is kind. “D, she mesmerizes people; she can’t mind wipe.”
Even though I know he’s right, I’m desperate to try anything. I don’t think even she knows what all she’s capable of, spending so much of her life holding herself back. She’s blind to the way she inspires people, to the way they react when she pours her soul into any piece she plays. I want that feeling again, even if it doesn’t last. For just a few minutes, I want to cease to exist, to live as an extension of her instead.
I want that same feeling I had at the castle, the one her parents used her for, and I despise myself for it.
“I know that, but she can take this rage away, replace it with something else if she wants. You know I’m right.”
Meeting her swirling silver gaze, I’m on the verge of begging. I just want to throw up, to curl in a ball and wait for sleep to take it all away. But with the state I’m in, only nightmares would be waiting for me.
“Okay.” She swallows, unsettled and nervous, but nods her head once as she steels herself with determination. “I’ll try.”
Atlas interjects, able to think more rationally than I can right now. “We’re in the middle of the damn street, Dorian. You can’t have her revealing herself to everyone with a camera phone.”
Punching the brick building beside me, I tear up my knuckles and shake out my hand, the pain helping take a little of the edge off. “Can we just go home already? It was a stupid idea, I get it.”
I don’t storm off, waiting for them to start walking so that no one is behind me. The sidewalk’s relatively empty at this time of day, most people at work or in school, so I’m able to have room to breathe. Sirens race by us, flying down the street one after the other. The piercing noise just adds to my headache, and I’m beyond ready for the day to be over already, after it had started with such promise.
It just goes to show how quickly things can be torn away from us, how fragile hope and happiness are.
The tense silence is oppressive, the two of them not even attempting to make small talk as we walk home. I take slow, steady breaths, trying to settle down and epically failing. It’s embarrassing as fuck that at my age I can lash out like this, need people to tiptoe around me until I can get ahold of myself. But the more I focus on my self-loathing, the harder it is to remind myself that I’m capable of better.
On my next exhale, I feel like some of the toxicity escapes, mingled with my breath. The tiniest bit of the poison coursing through my system expunged, enough to save me before it consumes me completely. Another breath, another step, and I can see through the red haze to the world around me again. I realize then that Cambria’s humming softly, ignoring Atlas’ chastising remarks.
Soon, he gives up trying to get her to stop, grumbling instead as he pulls us off of the main street into the alley between a couple of stores. It goes clear through to the other side, only a dumpster and a few steel doors to keep us company in the muted daylight. Her humming is replaced by soft singing, l
ow enough to not draw too much attention from a passerby.
The tension in my muscles begins to dissipate, and I nearly weep with relief. Atlas positions himself near the opening to help block us and watch for anyone passing by, but soon he’s as enraptured as I am. She can’t control the range of her abilities, anyone within earshot falling victim to her manipulation.
My skin tingles as the force of her compulsion washes over me, begging me to hang on her every word. And I do, like she hung the very moon itself, but that has nothing to do with her abilities and everything to do with who she is.
Her voice rises and falls, bringing me with her on each note, every swell, and wrapping around me until I can’t focus on anything other than her voice. She takes my anger and self-loathing, transforming it into a desperate yearning so strong that nothing else matters, nothing exists beyond that need. Soon, I’m just an empty shell of my former self, aching for something I can’t name. I just hurt, desperately seeking anything to latch onto that can fill me with purpose, an anchor in the midst of the dark oblivion she’s trapped me in.
A soft hand brushes delicately across my cheek and a moment later, her lips press softly against mine. She becomes the very tether I was seeking, needing her to ground me like never before. I gently thread my fingers through her hair, holding her against me like I’ll never have to let her go.
Just for a minute, she’s completely mine. And when I reluctantly pull back to face her, she’s still my everything, despite me not being everything for her.
She scans my face, a sad smile in her eyes that I hate myself for, knowing I put it there. “Better?”
Leaning down to rest my forehead against hers, I risk letting my eyes close, hopeful that there won’t be any mental shadows waiting for me in the momentary darkness. “A different kind of pain, but easier to manage,” I whisper, voice little more than a rough croak. “Thank you, love.”
She pulls away, stealing my hand and tangling our fingers together as she moves to snap Atlas out of his daze. “I’ve spent a fair amount of time hating myself too,” she admits softly, Atlas stirring and annoyed with being out of it and vulnerable. “So I get it.” A genuine smile lights up her face though when she leans back against his chest, dragging me in front of her. “But I’ll admit, I’m not used to being needed; it feels kind of nice. So as long as Luce and Atlas know you’re asking me to do it and I’m not going back on my word, I’m glad to help you, Dorian.”
