The Deeper We Get (The Harder I Fall #2)

by Jessica Gibson

  “Thanks, I needed that.” I really had. I felt better than I had in days. The whole Scarlet situation had done a number on me.

  We walked back to the locker room together, and I plopped on one of the benches. “So you think I’m making too big a deal out of all of this?”

  He shook his head. “We’re seriously still talking about this? Did you grow a pair of tits while we were out there?”

  I threw my towel at him. “I did, they’re huge, want to see?” I lifted my shirt up. “Yes, I’m seriously still talking about this. Who the hell else do I have to talk with but you?”

  “I’m only kidding man.” He grinned. “Stop overthinking it. You like her, she likes you, just go with it. Has it all happened really fast? Yes, but are you going to stop seeing her because that scares you?”

  “No, I’m not going to stop seeing her. But if we keep going at this rate, we’ll be married in three months.”

  “What do you feel that you’re missing out on when you’re with her all the time?”

  “Nothing, nothing at all. I just like my space, and I like not being accountable to anyone.”

  “Get over it. You’re in a relationship whether you want to be or not.”

  Did I want to be in a relationship? Was that what I had been looking for when I saw her? It wasn’t at all. I came here to get away from people who expected things from me. I know how douchey that sounds, even to me.

  “Nut up man, she digs you, so stop whining and enjoy the best sex you’ll ever have.”

  I laughed. “How do you know she’s the best sex I’ll have?”

  “Look at her, she’s a walking wet dream.”

  “I’m not sure I like you talking about my girl like that.”

  “Ah, so she’s your girl now is she?”

  I saw what he had done.

  “Yeah, she’s my girl. Thanks for the pep talk coach.” I mock saluted him.

  My girl was waiting out by my motorcycle when I walked out with Vin. It surprised me a little since I hadn't been planning to see her until the next day. What surprised me even more was how happy I was to see her. I had to force myself not to kiss her right away when we walked up.

  “Am I interrupting boys’ night?” Her tone was seductive. I wanted to tell Vin to take a hike so I could take her back to my apartment.

  “No, as long as you don't mind tagging along for dinner with Ian.” I looked to Vin for confirmation that it was okay. He nodded.

  “I’m cool with that.” She brushed her lips against mine, the lingering taste of strawberries was going to drive me mad before the night was over.

  We went to the same Mexican place we always did after boxing, and Ian was waiting at our usual table when we walked in.

  Scarlet intertwined her fingers with mine, the warmth of her hand like a flame against my skin. I couldn’t be around her, touching her, without wanting more. She was my siren, seductive without even trying. I could hear her calling me, beckoning me forward, without saying a single word.

  It was a struggle to force myself to order. I couldn’t think clearly. She squeezed my hand and looked up at me with a look of contentment on her face. What had I even been worried about, I was so damn lucky she was mine.

  “Hey, you two going to come sit, or make goo goo eyes at each other all night?” Ian threw a balled up napkin at my head.

  Scarlet blushed, and I kissed her quickly after grabbing the food as we slid into the booth with them.

  “How come I never see you two with girls? I mean, it’s not like you’re hard to look at or anything,” she asked the guys.

  “Eh, I’m not the girlfriend type.” Ian shrugged.

  “I have a girlfriend, sort of. It’s complicated,” Vin answered

  “Complicated how?” Scarlet laughed.

  “I don’t know if I would really call her a girlfriend.”

  “So more of a booty call?” I grinned, enjoying his discomfort at this line of questioning.

  “I guess, we’ve never really put a definition on what we are.”

  “How often do you see her?” Scarlet questioned.

  “A few times a week.”

  “Do you go out ever, or is it always just sex?” she continued.

  “We go out sometimes.”

  “Is she a moped?” Ian asked.

  “What the hell does that mean?” Vin shot back.

  “You know, fun to ride, but not something you want your friends to see you on.”

  “Wow. That was probably the worst thing I’ve ever heard you say.” Vin shook his head. “No, she’s not a moped. She’s hot, I mean really hot.”

  “So you’re the moped then?” I countered.

  “No, none of us is the moped.” He was exasperated.

  “Well Vin, it sounds to me like you have yourself a relationship.” Scarlet smiled. She turned to Ian. “I can kind of see why you don’t have a girlfriend. Moped? Really?”

  “I am what I am. I don't think any woman can put up with me for longer than a few hours.”

  “You’re not wrong there. I can barely put up with you, and I’m your brother.” Vin shook his head.

  We spent the rest of the meal talking and laughing and badgering Vin to let us meet his mystery girl. In the end he agreed to let us meet her, but I could tell he wasn’t happy about it.

  “Are you mad that I crashed your boys’ night?” Scarlet asked after we had left the guys. She snuggled up against me on the bike. How the hell could I be mad with her pressed against me like that.

  “You can crash boys’ night anytime you want. Where to now?”

  “Do you even have to ask?” Her voice was deep and husky with need.

  I made it back to my apartment in record time, and we were up the stairs and inside before we had gotten our helmets off.

  I pressed her back against the door, my hands on her hips. “Do you need me baby?” I had to hear her say it, to know she needed me the way I craved her.

  “So much. I need every part of you Chad. You’re all I can think about.” She brought my mouth down to hers and showed me just how true her words were.

  My fingers skimmed under the hem of her shirt, along the soft skin of her stomach. I broke the kiss, wanting to feel more of her skin against mine. I tore my shirt off and took a step toward her.

  “Do you ever feel like you’re going insane? Like all of the want and need will drive you mad? This can’t be normal.” She took a shaky breath and watched me, a predatory look in her eyes.

  “Every second of every day since I met you.” I erased the space between us and took her in my arms. “I can’t get you out of my head, no matter how hard I try. So, I’m not going to fight it, I’m in too deep already,” I murmured into her ear. I took her hand and led her down the hall to my room. We left a trail of our clothes as we walked.

  I laid her back on the bed and ran my lips over every inch of her skin. I’d never wanted slow before, but with her I wanted to take my time.

  The look in her eyes as I slid on top of her—she had me, I was hers.

  “Chad.” She sighed my name.

  “I feel it too.” I kissed from her neck to her jaw.

  It was all too much, too intense. I was gone before I knew what was happening. She clutched at my back, urging me on, and we fell together.

  “Do you think it will always be like this?” she panted, lying on her side next to me.

  “I don’t know. It’s never been like this for me, so I’m kind of going blind from here on out.” Admitting that scared me. Letting anyone in scared me. I wanted to close myself off, that was my first instinct.

  “Don’t.” She laid a hand on my chest.

  “What?”

  “I can feel you shutting down. Don’t do that. This is good, scary, but good. Don't close yourself off from me, it will just ruin things in the end.”

  “I’m trying here, give me a break.”

  “Why do I always feel like there’s a part of you that I don't know?”

  I shrugged.
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  “That’s it? You aren’t going to say anything else?”

  I wanted to tell her everything, to have her really know me. But how would I tell her I’ve thought about killing myself more times than I could count past four years. That my parents fucked me up so completely that normal was nothing but a pipe dream. She didn’t need to know that Chad, no one did.

  “We all have things about ourselves we want to hide. There are things about me that terrify me when I think about them. We all have demons Chad. It’s how we let them affect us that matters. I want to love you, everything in me is screaming to just let myself fall.”

  “I don’t even know what to say to that last bit.”

  “I’m a chick, we have feelings and shit, deal with it.”

  There it was, she had broken the tension.

  “I want to love you too,” I whispered as I wove my fingers into her hair, pulling her closer so I could kiss her.

  “So let me in.”

  I sighed. “Are you sure you want to know?” I wanted her to say no, to let me off the hook, but I knew she wouldn’t.

  “I’m not going anywhere Chad.” She put her hand on my cheek.

  I shifted to a sitting position and looked for some clothes to throw on—this wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have naked. I found what I was looking for and got up to change, tossing her a shirt to put on in the process.

  “I don’t really know where to start. You’d think I’d be used to telling the story, I’ve been to enough shrinks. I come from violence and hate.” I paused, not sure how to continue. “I’ve blocked it for so long, it’s hard to let it out.” She held out a hand for me but I shook my head. “My father was a violent man, I never remember anything but being hurt. There was never love from him. When I was five, he killed my older sister Frannie. He beat her to death in front of me and my sister Becca.”

  She put a hand to her mouth. “Oh god. Chad…”

  “My mom never cared, she loved him more than she loved us. Becca was my only family. She sheltered me from the worst of it before Frannie died, took more than her share. I owe her my life, she saved me from all of it. After my dad went to prison, it was really just me and her. She made sure I had food and did my homework. My mom was too drunk to care. When I was fifteen, she went to college, and I landed myself in jail.” I hadn’t wanted to tell her that part, but she needed to know all of it.

  “I’m still here, you’re not going to scare me away.” I could tell she wanted to come to me, to tell me it was all okay, but she stayed where she was, and for that I was grateful.

  “I got caught with drugs, I was trying to make enough money to stay in the house my mom and I were living in. Becca dropped everything and came home. She brought her boyfriend Levi, and he brought his family, my family. I’ve spent the last five years with the Kleins in New York. I never knew love like that existed. Ruth brought me back from a really dark place with her love. I’m still fucked up, always will be, but I’m not as bad as I used to be.” I stopped there and looked down at my feet. It had cost me something to tell her—my soul ached, as though saying the words had reopened the wounds that had been long closed.

  I was in her arms before I could look up. Her lips were feather soft against my cheeks. “I’m so sorry baby. I’m sorry that you ever knew pain.”

  In that moment, I knew I was in love with her. I would love her until she eventually walked away from me.

  I was spending a rare day at home alone. Scarlet was out with Taryn, and I didn’t feel like going out with Vin or Ian. I rented a bunch of crappy movies and ate an entire bag of chips myself.

  Someone knocked at the front door and I smiled, I figured it was Scarlet and hopped up to let her in.

  I swung the door open and a man I never thought I would see again stood before me.

  “It’s been a long time.” His voice was soft.

  It sure as hell wasn’t Scarlet. Dad. Tom. What the hell was he doing here? How was he out of prison? I was at a total loss for words.

  “Can I come in?”

  “I’d rather you didn’t.” I folded my arms across my chest. The rage I had been holding inside of me all this time bubbled close to the surface.

  “I have things to say, and they would be better said inside. Please, just give me ten minutes, and I’ll leave.”

  “Fine, you get exactly ten minutes before I boot your ass out of here.” I stepped back and allowed him to walk in. “How did you even find me?”

  “When I got out of prison, I found out that your mother had died.” He looked heartbroken. “I was told you had been living with a couple in New York, your sister’s in-laws. It wasn't that hard from that to find you had moved here. I only had to make a few phone calls.”

  That thought chilled my blood—it was that easy for him to find me. What if he went to Becca? She didn’t need that.

  “You stay away from Becca, do you hear me? Don’t you ever contact her.”

  “She’s my daughter Chad, I can’t promise that.”

  “Haven’t you done enough?”

  “Don’t you think I’m sorry for what I did? I’ve had to live with this for fourteen years Chad. She was my daughter, and I killed her.” He put his head in his hands.

  I watched him cry, my stomach twisting in knots. This man, who I had spent my whole life hating, was here in my apartment lamenting on his past sins.

  “What about everything else Tom, the beatings, all of it. Are you sorry for that?”

  “If I could take it all back I would son.”

  “Don’t you dare call me that. You lost that right the first time you raised your hand to me. How old was I? I was barely old enough to cross the street alone. You were never a father. There’s nothing you could say to me now that will make me change my mind about forgiving you.”

  “Chad…” He looked lost. The words wouldn’t come, and I didn’t care. I wanted him gone, out of my house, and away from me.

  “I was wrong before, I know I was. The drinking, the drugs, it was all bad. Your mother and I didn’t do right by you kids.”

  “Is that what you came to say?” My hands clenched involuntarily into fists.

  “That, and more. But I can see you aren’t ready to hear any of it right now.” He walked to the door. “For what it’s worth, I loved you kids more than myself.”

  “Bullshit. Get the hell out of my house and don’t come back.” I glared at him as he opened the door.

  “One day you’ll understand the struggles your mom and I faced.” He smiled sadly.

  When he was gone, I punched a hole through the wall next to the door. I was so damn angry.

  I knew I should call Becca, but I couldn’t make myself do it. She and Levi were so happy, they didn’t need this shit heaped on them. She deserved happiness. Instead I called Scarlet.

  “Hey, it’s Chad, can you come over for a bit?”

  I paced the floor, I was too on edge to sit. It was almost an hour before Scarlet knocked on the door. I was jumping out of my skin. I should have called Vin, I needed to fight.

  “Chad?” she yelled through the door.

  When I let her in, she took a look around and arched a brow at the hole punched in the wall. “What happened?”

  “My dad happened. He’s out of prison, and he’s here in L.A.”

  “What?”

  “He came here trying to sell me his sob story about how he loved me and how sorry he was for everything. I’m just so damn mad. I don’t know how to deal with this.”

  “Did you call your sister?”

  “No, and I’m not going to. She doesn’t need to deal with him. I told him to stay away from her.”

  Scarlet looked anxious, like she didn’t know how to act around me. I tried to calm myself down, I didn’t need to freak her out any more than she already was.

  “Come here.” I held out a hand for her.

  She took a tentative step before coming into my arms. That worried me.

  “What are you going to do about thi
s?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t have him coming around here all the time, but it’s better me than Becca.”

  “Why is it better you than her? She has a husband and everyone in New York to help her deal with it. You don’t have anyone here.”

  “I have you.”

  “Of course you have me, but I can’t help you with this like they could. I think you should call her.”

  “I’ll think about calling.”

  “Thank you.” She kissed me lightly, as though she were afraid I would break.

  “Does all this freak you out?”

  “A little bit, the fact that you punched a hole in the wall is a little scary.”

  I pulled back and took a few steps from her. This was exactly what I had been afraid of, the darkness inside of me would taint her and us.

  “Don’t ever be afraid of me. I would rather die than hurt you, you know that right?”

  “I do. Look, you said it before, when we first met that you could see something familiar in my eyes. I have a past too, something that’s scary and bad. All of this, it brings back memories for me.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No, but I probably should since it will become an issue if I don’t.” She sat down on the couch and played with the hem of her shirt.

  “You don't have to,” I reassured her as I sat down next to her.

  “I need to. You told me yours, it’s only fair that you know mine.” She took a deep breath. “I’ve only lived with Frank since I was ten, before that I lived with my dad, Frank’s brother. I don’t really remember when he started hitting me, it was probably sometime after my mom died. He was always drunk, and he was angry all the time. I got really good at telling the teachers at school how clumsy I was. Even Frank believed it for a while.” She paused.

  “One night, Daddy had a lot to drink, and he was really mad. Worse than normal, he kept yelling for my mom. When she wouldn’t come he went into a rage. He broke the bones by my eye, fractured my cheek, broke four ribs, and one of the bones in my right arm.” Tears streamed down her cheeks. I understood her feeling embarrassed, like it somehow had been her fault. I burned with rage, I wanted to hunt down her father and murder him for what he did to her.