First and Last

by Rachael Duncan

  Her last comment stings, especially since I’ve wanted nothing else than to be with her. Every date, every kiss, every moment spent with another girl was me wishing it was Mia instead. “Mia, my feelings for you aren’t a secret. I’m not the one that shut us down. You didn’t want me.”

  She finally looks over at me, regret filling her eyes. “I know it’s all my fault. Trust me, I know. I hate myself every day for it, but I’m afraid.”

  “Of what? You’ve said you don’t want our friendship to change, but there’s more to it than that. I can feel it.”

  “Except for my dad, you’re all I have. What if I do something to screw up and you leave me? I’ve already been abandoned by my mom. I can’t stomach the idea of you walking away from me too.” She stares at me with a long, pained expression before breaking eye contact.

  “I thought you knew me better than that.” When her focus comes back to me, I grab her hand and hold it as tight as I can with my messed up hand. “Don’t you know I have the same fears too? When you were mad and refused to talk to me, I felt so empty inside. I know what it’s like to live without you, and I never want to do it again. The only difference is I’m not letting my fears get in the way of something that could be amazing. We could be good together. Let me show you.”

  She’s at war with herself. It’s written all over her beautiful face. I’m in a state of eternal limbo as I wait for her to make a decision: play it safe and torture us both, or take a chance. Finally, she gives me her answer with the smallest nod of her head, and my heart soars. Call me a sissy, I don’t care. My only response is to wrap her in my arms and hold her tight.

  “So what happens now?” she asks.

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I think we should do what feels natural. For now, maybe going slow will be best, but I’m just as lost as you are.” I can’t stop the smile that spreads across my face as it sets in that she’s finally saying yes.

  “What are you all smiles about?” she asks with her own grin.

  “I’m just happy.”

  “Me too.”

  Present

  Digging my forearms and elbows in to the ground, I drag my body across the dirt. The ground seems to curve downward a few yards away from the little clearing I’m in. I have my fingers crossed that it’s a hill and hope I can roll myself down it. That’s probably a terrible idea. Who the hell knows what kind of damage I’m doing to my back by moving, but it’s either this or lie up here and die.

  I grunt and groan with every inch I progress. Sweat dampens my forehead and gets into my eyes, and I wipe it off on my sleeve to clear my vision. My body feels like it’s been run over by a bus several times and I know I have more than one broken bone. But I do my best to push that aside and concentrate on my goal.

  Get away from the damn fire.

  I could hear the crackling of burning trees above me on the cliff and knew it was closing in. With my limited mobility, I knew I had to do something before it caught me.

  As I fight for every centimeter I move, I briefly think about the rest of my guys. I pray to God none of them are dealing with this shit and they got out of there before all hell broke loose.

  Looking back up at where I’m going, I see I only have a couple more feet before I can tell what’s over this rounded edge. With each tear of my muscles and pop of my bones, I think of Mia. I have to survive for her. I have to see her and tell her how much I love her again. This can’t be it for us. I won’t let it be.

  I’m absolutely exhausted when I get to my target location and collapse, burying the side of my face into the ground. Pieces of dirt fly off with each breath I exhale.

  “Shit.”

  On shaky arms, I push my upper body up slightly and look ahead. Finally, something is going my way. In front of me is a hill that’ll take me a little ways away from this, which will buy me more time.

  Dragging myself so that I’m lying perpendicular to the ledge of the hill, I say a silent prayer that I don’t completely cripple myself, make sure my radio is tucked away tight in my pants, close my eyes, and give myself a push.

  June 2001

  It’s about five o’clock when I get home from volunteering at the fire station my dad used to work at. I run upstairs with some urgency, strip my clothes, get in the shower, and get dressed. Then I pick up my phone and type out a quick text.

  Me: Be ready to go in 15 minutes.

  My phone dings five minutes later.

  Mia: Why?

  Me: 10 minutes . . .

  Mia: Tell me what we’re doing.

  Me: Nope. It’s a surprise. Tell your dad you’ll be home by curfew. You’re down to 9 minutes. Chop chop, Mia.

  Exactly nine minutes from my last message to her, I knock on her front door. She opens it in a huff, clearly frazzled from hurrying. “Really, Blake?” With her hand on her hip, she looks annoyed and I have to try really hard not to laugh.

  “Let’s go.” Ignoring her complaints, I grab her hand and lead her to my car.

  “Wanna tell me where we’re going now?” she asks once we take off.

  “Nope. I know it’s killing you not being in control, but relax and enjoy the ride for me, okay?”

  From the corner of my eye I see her cross her arms over her chest. She hates surprises, which makes me enjoy this that much more.

  We’re quiet for several minutes, the only sound coming from the radio. “How did today go?” she questions, breaking the silence.

  “It was good,” I say with a shrug.

  “What were you doing?” Her attitude is gone and she turns to face me in her seat, genuinely interested in what I did today.

  “Not much. I washed one of the trucks.” She laughs slightly. “I know, pretty bad ass, huh?” I respond sarcastically.

  “Did they say what you’d be doing all summer? Surely you won’t be their detailer the whole time,” she jokes.

  “Well, I can’t actually fight fires or anything like that. It’s similar to any other intern-type job. You do the grunt work no one else wants to do. I’ll be helping them out around the station, getting them ready when there’s a call, and they said I can come with them to fires eventually, but I can only watch. I can’t help.”

  “Great, I can actually hang out with someone fun now that you’ll be busy.” Her little smirk is seen from the corner of my eye.

  “Oh, I’m not fun?” I tease back, reaching over to lightly pinch her side.

  “Stop, Blake,” she says through her laughter. I park the car and keep poking and tickling her sides until she’s breathless.

  “Okay, okay, I’ll quit. Plus, we’re here.”

  Getting out of my car, I walk around and help her out.

  “Where are we anyway?” We drove for a while, so the sun has already set.

  “This is Point Park on Lookout Mountain. It was a strategic location during the Civil War. They still have some cannons and stuff up here, but the view of the city is killer.”

  “How’d you hear about this place?”

  I shrug. “I was looking around for something different to do. Plus, I wanted our first official date to be something special.”

  Her eyebrow arches. “Date? Is that what this is?”

  “Yep.” I nod my head and walk down the sidewalk backwards, a smile planted firmly on my face.

  “Really? That’s funny because I don’t remember you asking.” She arches her eyebrow playfully as she tries to hide her smile.

  “I did. You must’ve missed it,” I argue.

  “No, this is more of a hostage situation. You forced me to get ready then drove me out of town against my will.” She stops walking and crosses her arms over her chest, pretending to be put out.

  “Hostage?” I scoff. “I’ll show you hostage,” I say as I run toward her. She squeals before turning and running away, but I’m faster than she is and catch her in a few steps. I grab her by the wrist and pull her to me, causing her back to collide with my chest. My arms band around her as I lift her up and spin us around and a
round. Her giggles surround us and I love the way it echoes off the night sky. I’ll never get tired of hearing that sweet sound.

  Before I get too dizzy, I stop and set her on the ground but don’t let go of her. She leans her head back letting it rest on my shoulder. The humidity has put a thin sheen of sweat on her neck that I taste when my lips touch her one, two, three times.

  “Can we go now?” I say against her neck. Goose bumps pop up and a small smile forms on my face.

  “Yeah, let’s go,” she says quietly.

  When we walk to the entrance, everything is dark and gated up. I figured it was closed since there aren’t any cars in the parking lot and hardly any lights on. But that’s okay, I have another plan.

  “I think it’s closed.” The disappointment in her tone is clear.

  “Hold on a sec,” I tell her. Looking around, the park is surrounded by a stone wall that comes to about my shoulders on my six-foot-tall frame. To the left inside the wall is a building that looks like a two-story house. “We’ll just go up and over.”

  “What? We can’t climb that wall,” she whisper-shouts. “What if we get caught? We’ll get in trouble.”

  “No one will see us, I promise.”

  “I don’t know about this, Blake.” She shakes her head and takes a step back.

  “We’ll be quick. Let’s go look at it and then we’ll leave.”

  I see the internal debate pulling her in two directions. Luckily, she caves and walks up to the wall. “Need some help?” I ask.

  “Nope, I’ve got it.” She places one foot on a jagged piece of stone and reaches up to the top with her hands. While she pushes off on the foot still on the ground, she pulls herself up. She manages to hoist up until her stomach lands on the top with a huff. The cutest grunt is pushed from her body as she flops up on the wall, and I can’t help but laugh. “What?” she asks, still whispering.

  I shake my head. “Nothing.”

  Now that she’s halfway over, I climb up and land on the other side, waiting for her to swing her legs over. She inches herself around before her legs are finally hanging over this side. I grasp her waist and help lower her as she slides down.

  “Okay, let’s hurry,” she says.

  There’s a yard full of grass and trees between us and the ledge of this mountain. I look at her and smile mischievously and take off running. I hear her laugh softly and follow suit. Suddenly, a huge spotlight turns on. I keep walking, but when I look behind me, Mia is frozen literally in mid step.

  She’s crouched down slightly, legs parted in mid stride with her arms out and palms open. Her eyes are as wide as saucers and her mouth is open. I’m pretty sure she’s quit breathing too. “Come on.” I wave at her. “It’s just a motion sensor." I point to the small house close to the wall where the light is coming from.

  “What if someone is coming?” She won’t move an inch.

  “They’ll probably think it’s a squirrel. Plus, it’s too late to turn back now, so let’s go.” Reluctantly, she starts to run again. I wait for her to catch up before picking up the pace. When we get to the opening, it’s amazing.

  Several cannons sit perched close to the ledge of the cliff that drops at a straight decline. From here, we’re overlooking the whole city that’s lit up in lights in the dark of the night. It’s pretty cool.

  “Wow,” she says, walking up to the railing that goes along the edge. She looks down before looking back out. From behind, her body is outlined by the lights coming from below and the moon above. Wisps of hair blow in the breeze and every now and then I catch a hint of her citrusy scent. “Check out this view, Blake.”

  “I am.” When she turns around, she sees me focused in on her. “You’re the most beautiful thing out here.” She bites her lower lip and looks down in embarrassment. “Come over here.” Holding my arm out, she snuggles under it and wraps her arms around my waist. We don’t have to fill the silence with mindless chatter. We enjoy the moment and it’s perfect. This is exactly how I imagined we’d be and I’m so damn glad Mia caved and gave us a chance. As perfect as this is, I know we shouldn’t push our luck and need to get out of here.

  “Wait, we need to take a picture first,” Mia says. She pulls out her little camera from her bag she wears across her body. I swear she never goes anywhere without that thing. She holds it out but I take it from her.

  “Here, let me.” I take the camera, spin us around so the city is to our backs before standing behind her and resting my chin on her shoulder. Holding the camera out, I press the button and take our picture. The closeness of the flash just about blinds me. “My eyes!” I joke.

  “Oh stop it.” Her elbow pokes me in the ribs. “Now can we go?” she asks.

  “Yeah, let’s get out of here before we get arrested.”

  I pull up to her house at ten fifty-five. “Look at that, five minutes to spare,” I say.

  “Yep, right on time.” She turns to face me. “Thank you for today. That was the most fun I’ve had in a while.”

  “I’m glad. I wanted our first real date to be memorable. Something neither of us has ever done.”

  “I’ve definitely never trespassed.” One side of her mouth turns up, and I can think of a million other things I’d rather be doing to it than listening to her give me a hard time.

  Leaning in, my lips ghost over hers. “Admit it; this was the best date you’ve ever been on.”

  “What if it’s not?” she sasses back.

  “Hmmm,” I say as my head moves down her neck. I hear her breath hitch as my lips hit the sensitive spot below her ear. “I find that hard to believe.”

  I see her neck move as she swallows. “I don’t care if we sat on my back porch. It’ll always be the best because it’s with you.”

  Pulling back, I look into her eyes and know without a doubt that I’ll love this girl for the rest of my life. My dying breath will be spent thinking of her.

  August 2001

  It’s been two months since we went to Lookout Mountain and it’s the perfect morning. The sun is up, there’s a cool breeze coming off the lake, and I have the best person in the world in my arms. I wanted to do something low-key with Mia before we go out with our friends tonight, so I planned a little quiet day by the lake with a picnic.

  “This is nice,” she says, a content sigh following her words. I squeeze her to me and plant a kiss on the top of her head.

  “Sure is,” I agree. My face tilts up toward the sun while I lie on my back with her on my chest.

  “Can you believe the summer is almost over?” she asks almost absentmindedly.

  “I know. It’s going by fast.”

  “You excited for our senior year?” She traces soft circles on my chest. It feels good and puts me at ease. If she keeps doing it, I might fall asleep.

  “Yeah, I can’t wait to be done with school.”

  “Well, almost done. We still have college after this,” she reminds me.

  I’ve been avoiding her or giving vague, half answers whenever Mia talks about plans after high school. Mainly because I don’t have any set in stone. But the closer I get to graduating, the more I think college might not be the right fit for me. It’s not like we made some pact to follow each other afterward, but that was before we became . . . us. Things are more complicated now and if I thought it would be hard to not see her before, it kills me now.

  I study her features, briefly seeing the six-year-old little girl who moved in next door almost eleven years ago. Now, she’s a gorgeous person that is kind and thoughtful and selfless. And she amazes me every damn day.

  Holding her face in both of my hands, I look into her big, blue eyes. “I love you, Mia.” I couldn’t hold it in another moment. I think I’ve loved her since she came over and ate a grilled cheese sandwich with me the first day I met her.

  Her eyes widen and her lips part, but she’s silent. My heart gallops in my chest and I forget to breathe as I wait for her to say something—anything. Finally, her features soften and the sma
llest smile pulls at her lips. “I love you too.”

  I’m soaring with those four words. Words that let me know she feels the same about me as I do her. I’m like a kid who has seen fireworks for the first time. I’m both amazed and so damn happy.

  My lips gently collide with hers, wanting to taste every inch of her mouth slowly. To pour all the love I have into her soul. She gives just as good as she takes, and we can’t get enough of each other.

  I feel her smile against my mouth as her hand threads through my shaggy, brown hair. My hands travel to her waist and grip it. She moves to her knees, never breaking contact from my lips, and straddles my lap. My palms go to her ass and pull her close. I let out a small groan in the back of my throat as her center touches my hard on. It’s straining painfully against my zipper, begging to break free.

  Moving back to her hips, my thumb slips under her shirt, rubbing the smooth skin below it. Her grip on my hair tightens as does my hold on her. Needing to feel more of her as she devours my mouth, my hand moves under her shirt, claiming the same spot my thumb was resting. I explore her flat stomach like a blind man reads braille. When I’m satisfied that not an inch has been left untouched, I move slowly north, taking my time to make sure this is okay with her. My thumb reaches the underside of her bra covered breast and her breath hitches. She pulls away a little and stops my hand. I smile against her mouth and halt my progression.

  “Sorry. I got a little carried away,” I tell her breathlessly.

  “It’s okay,” she whispers, not meeting my eyes.

  I place my finger under her chin and lift her face up until she’s looking at me. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t feel bad. You can tell me to stop whenever you want, alright?” The tension and worry in the corners of her eyes relaxes and she nods. “Now tell me you love me.”

  “I love you,” she says with a smile.

  “Good. Remember that in a few seconds.”

  “Wha—” Her squeal cuts off her question as I scoop her up and run toward the water. “Blake Collins, don’t you dare!” she threatens, but I don’t listen. I run into the water, kicking it up behind me as I go. Her giggles and screams are heard above the splashing until I’m thigh-deep and drop her.