First and Last

by Rachael Duncan

  “It’s good. We get along, so there’s not much to complain about.”

  Only there is. Our apartment has become a revolving door for the women he brings in. There’s a different one every other night. Normally, it wouldn’t bother me, but when he starts letting his hook ups leak into the common areas, we have issues.

  “That’s great,” she says with a smile.

  I’m back to missing Mia like crazy. Even though our time together was amazing, I couldn’t help but notice the differences building between us. Not bad differences, but she was definitely creating a separate life in Ohio, and I’m trying to make sure I always have a place in it.

  The front door opens followed by fake giggling. I roll my eyes knowing Luke has brought another bimbo home, but it’s his place so there’s not much I can say.

  “Hey, bro,” he says.

  “Hey.”

  “You didn’t say your brother was so cute. How old is he again?” I hear a girl ask from behind me. I don’t even turn around to acknowledge her.

  “That’s because he has a girlfriend,” he tells her.

  “That’s too bad. Where is she?” This time, a different girl is talking. I turn around and see two of them hanging on my brother’s arms. They’re both barely dressed in short skirts and tits hanging out. They might as well have EASY stamped on their foreheads.

  “Don’t worry about it,” I respond, staring at them with a blank face. Right then, my phone rings. I dig it out of my pocket and smile when I see her name flash across the screen. “Hey, babe,” I answer, starting to walk away from this train wreck, but before I can make my escape, the second bimbo grabs my arm and stops me.

  “Oooww, someone’s grumpy. I’ll bet me and Laurie could fix that for you,” she purrs. Her finger runs down my chest and I push it away.

  “Uh, who was that?” Mia asks, the accusation clear in her voice.

  “No one,” I grumble. When I get to my room, I shut and lock the door.

  “That didn’t sound like no one. Do you have a girl over?”

  “No, it’s not like that. She’s with Luke.”

  “Who’s Laurie then?”

  “She’s with Luke too.” I pinch the bridge of my nose, knowing how this sounds.

  “Really? You have two chicks in your apartment and both are with your brother? I’m not buying it. I wanna know what the hell is going on. Are you seeing someone else?”

  “No! Luke brings girls back all the time, and tonight it just happened to be two. I was literally going back to my room when you called.”

  “Going to your room to do what? It hasn’t even been a week since you left, Blake.”

  “Mia, listen to me. Nothing. Is. Going. On. I thought you trusted me.” Now I’m getting pissed. I get her initial suspicions, but she should know me well enough to know I’d never betray her that way. “Do you want me to put my brother on the fucking phone and you can ask for yourself? I can’t control who he brings in here. It’s his place!”

  She’s quiet for a while and at first I think she hung up. Finally, I hear her sigh through the line. “I’m sorry. I call and hear a girl talking like that and I’m missing you so much. My mind automatically went to the worst place. I trust you and know you’d never do that to me.”

  “I wouldn’t. You know you’re it for me. I’d be wasting my time with anyone else.”

  I might’ve put out that fire, but that would be only the beginning of our downward spiral.

  November 2002

  I couldn’t wait until Thanksgiving to see her, so I took the weekend off and drove up. I miss her more than I thought I was capable of missing someone, but I’m terrified she’s slowly drifting away from me. She’s building this whole separate life, and it scares me to think eventually I won’t fit in it. When I suggested I come visit last minute, I think subconsciously I’m trying to stay present so she doesn’t forget about me, forget about us.

  “What do you want to do for dinner?” I ask after she gets back to her dorm from her last class.

  She shrugs. “I don’t care. I told Claire we might meet her at the Commons if that’s okay with you.”

  I have to hide my disappointment because I really want to be alone with her. Our time is limited and dammit, I don’t want to share her with anyone else while I’m here. “Sure,” I say with a forced smile. She’s not looking at me, so she doesn’t notice.

  Dinner is awkward. Not for Mia, but for me. I feel like a third wheel to her life. She talks about these people on the phone, but they’re treating me as an outsider. It’s a foreign feeling since I’ve never had problems making friends and blending easily into a group, but they’re stuffy, pretentious snobs and all I can wonder is how the hell Mia gets along with them. I have nothing in common with them and they make no effort to bring me into their conversations, despite trying to jump in here and there.

  And Mia doesn’t even notice.

  “Oh my God, Mia. Have you found something to wear to Ben’s party next weekend? We gotta make sure we’re lookin’ hot.”

  Mia looks at me from the corner of her eye and shifts in her seat. Funny I’ve never heard about this party before. “Uh, not yet. I’ll probably just wear something I already have; jeans and boots or something.”

  “Jeans and boots?” She curls up her lip. “This isn’t a nun’s convention. You need to wear something short and tight. Show off that hot little body you’re always hiding.”

  My fists clench at my sides. “I think jeans are fine,” I mutter, glaring at Claire. “You know, since she already has a boyfriend and all.”

  “Blake,” Mia whispers in warning with her hand on my leg. My attention turns back to her.

  “What the hell is going on?” I ask quietly, trying hard not to make a scene. Who the hell is Ben and why does it feel like Mia was hiding this from me?

  “Nothing, it’s just a stupid party. No big deal. I promise.” I’m not sure why she was looking so uncomfortable when Claire brought it up if it’s not an issue. I want to question her more, but Claire’s oblivious to our private moment and starts talking again.

  “Are you going to the game tomorrow?” Claire asks.

  Mia glances at me and then turns back toward her. “Uh, no. I mean, I can’t. Blake’s here so . . .”

  “Oh, that’s a bummer. It’s going to be a good one too. Everyone will be there.”

  “Yeah, but I can’t get Blake a ticket and he wouldn’t be able to sit with us in the student section.” Her voice is completely deflated and it almost pisses me off. What’s more important: seeing a football game, or spending time with me? What the hell?

  “We can always watch it from your room and order in,” I offer up.

  “Yeah, I guess.” She shrugs, looking at her plate. This isn’t their first home game, and she’s gone to all of them except this one, so I don’t see what the big deal is.

  “That’s definitely not the same,” Claire says in her bitchy tone. “But your loss. It’s a shame you won’t be able to use your ticket.”

  My attention turns to Mia, questioningly. “I got it before I knew you were coming,” she explains. I nod in acknowledgement.

  “Oh my God, look who it is?” Claire says loudly. I look around until she stands and gives some guy a hug. He’s tall and lean with a tight shirt on under a blazer, khakis, and his hair gelled up. He looks like a douche. “Petey! Where the hell have you been all week?” she asks.

  He has a seat next to her, which is across from Mia. “Ugh, you know I hate when you call me that. Say it with me, Claire. Pete. Just Pete.” Claire rolls her eyes, brushing him off. “I’ve been buried in research. I have this huge paper due Monday and I need to get it done before we go to the game tomorrow.”

  “Well, we have a minus one. Mia won’t go.” Claire gives an exaggerated pout with puppy dog eyes. Does Mia not see how fucking fake this girl is?

  “Why not?” He looks to Mia for an explanation.

  “Because I’m here,” I answer for her. “You know? Her boyfr
iend. A guy who drove six fucking hours to see her. That’s why.”

  Pete smirks and arches his eyebrow at me. “Forgive me, I didn’t realize she had a boyfriend. She’s never mentioned you to me.”

  If looks could kill, I’d be digging him a hole right now.

  “Pete, stop. You knew about Blake.” Mia rolls her eyes as if this dickhead isn’t trying to get under my skin.

  “I’m kidding,” dickhead says. “I know all about you. You’re the reason Mia won’t say yes to going out with me.”

  “The fuck?” I get up out of my chair and walk around to his side of the table.

  “Blake, stop,” Mia says from beside me, but all I’m focused on is the shit eating grin on Pete’s face.

  “Get up, asshole.” Anger is pumping through my veins like a wild stallion running to be free.

  Mia stands up and places her hand on my chest as she gets between me and dickhead. “Relax, he’s kidding.”

  “You think this is funny?” I point to her friend who has yet to move. “Because I’m not laughing.”

  “No, but that’s just his personality. He likes to rile people up. He doesn’t mean anything by it, do you Petey?” She looks behind her waiting for his answer.

  “Nope.” He’s being sarcastic and I have visions of punching him in his smug fucking face.

  “Please,” she whispers. “You’re embarrassing me.” Her eyes plead with mine. I stare into them, searching for answers. Searching for the right thing to do. The more I take her in, the more she breaks my fucking heart. My only option is to get out of here. I can’t sit across from that asshole and not rip his head off.

  Grabbing my jacket off the back of my chair, I storm out of there and start walking to her dorm. I don’t turn to see if she’s following. Quite honestly, I don’t care if she is. I’ll wait for her in the lobby all night if I have to. I’ve been ignoring my gut the past couple months, clinging to the good times. The way she talks, the people she hangs with, it’s all so different. She’s evolving. I can see it; I can’t stop it. The big question is whether or not I have a spot in her new life or not. She didn’t even defend me back there, which makes me think I’m well on my way out.

  “Blake! Wait!” I hear her yell behind me. I don’t face her, but stop walking.

  “What’s your problem? You just totally embarrassed me and looked like a complete ass.”

  I have to work really hard to reign in my anger. “Seriously, Mia? You can really look at me and say that shit? I sat there all through dinner while you guys talked on and on about shit I couldn’t give two fucks about. I didn’t drive all this way for the weekend to sit around and watch you bullshit with your friends. Then you expect me to deal with that asshole? You wanna know what’s going through my mind right now?” She looks up at me expectantly. “That while I’m out of the picture he’s going to be trying to get into your pants.”

  She rolls her eyes for the second time tonight. “Oh, God, Blake. He’s harmless and he doesn’t want in my pants.”

  “The fact that you’re making it out like I’m the jerk in all of this is really telling, Mia. You don’t understand how I’d be upset back there? All I want to do is spend as much time with you as possible. I get to see you once a month. That’s it!”

  She looks around and I notice people are staring at us. “Can we talk about this in my room?” she asks, her cheeks turning red. Without another word, I turn around and keep walking.

  Once we get in her dorm, some of my anger has gone away, but now I’m just kind of hurt. “I didn’t want to go to dinner with your friends tonight,” I confess in a calmer tone. “I was looking forward to spending the night with you alone, but I went out because it’s what you wanted to do. I’m leaving in less than forty-eight hours and I feel like we just wasted two of them. But what hurts the most is your reaction to this football game. You acted like someone kicked your damn dog when Claire brought it up.”

  “It’s not that, I promise. I’m bummed I can’t go, but I’d much rather stay in with you.” She reaches out to touch my arm, and I have to stop my initial reaction to pull away.

  I search her face and the truth hurts. Yeah, she’ll be here with me while wishing I was back home so she could be in that stadium with all her friends. There’s so much clarity for me in this moment. It’s startling and crushing.

  Not wanting to argue with so little time, much less than I thought we had, I do the only thing I know to shut us both up. I hold her face to mine as I kiss her until we’re both breathless.

  “I need to feel you,” I tell her. I need to feel connected to her one more time, to be with her in ways no one else has been. I need this last memory.

  Knowing exactly what I mean, she removes her clothes and I do the same. Walking her back toward the bed, she lies down on it as soon as it hits the back of her legs. I worship her body from head to toe. I kiss and suck on her nipples until her back arches. I move further south and lick up and down her seam until she’s pulling my hair and begging me to stop. Still, it’s not enough. I don’t want there to be any space between us.

  Holding the base of my dick in my hand, I slide it into her in one thrust. Her gasp is followed by a moan when I move in and out of her. My eyes never leave her face, needing to etch this moment into my brain to hold on to forever. I love and cherish her as if this will be the last time, because it is. I push that thought out of my mind when the backs of my eyes start to sting.

  Focusing on the here and now, I give her my heart, body, and soul because it’s always been hers. When she’s screaming out my name for the second time, I let go and pour all of it into her. I fall on top of her and squeeze my eyes shut as I bury my face into her neck. I don’t want to move knowing what’s coming next, but it has to be done. I lock my real emotions behind a dam, trying to be strong as I get ready to do the hardest thing imaginable.

  Searching for every ounce of strength in my body, I get up after I kiss her shoulder and grab my clothes off the floor. “Go to the game tomorrow, Mia,” I say as I get my pants back on. My voice sounds detached even to my own ears.

  “No, and what are you doing? My roommate works tonight, so you don’t have to get dressed yet.”

  “I’m leaving.” I can’t even look at her as I say it. My heart thumps loudly, trying to get my attention and stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life.

  “Did you forget something?” The confusion is clear, and I’m about to break and not go through with it, but I know I’ll be delaying the inevitable. At this point, it’s better to get it over with.

  “No, I’m going back home.”

  “What?” She springs out of bed, exposing the naked body I feasted on moments ago. I already ache to touch her again. “Why?”

  “Because I can’t do this. You’re here and I’m there, and I just don’t have a place in your life anymore.”

  “What are you talking about?” Her voice rises, showing the worry in it.

  “You have a new life here with new friends and interests, and I’m on the outside looking in. I don’t belong here and I don’t want to hold you back from living up the college experience.”

  “You’re so full of shit, Blake.”

  “Whatever, Mia,” I mumble. I need to get out of here. Every second I’m in here makes it that much worse.

  “So what was that a few minutes ago, huh? You thought you’d fuck me one more time for the road?” I visibly cringe at her words. That’s not what it was at all. I would never treat her like trash or some slut to throw away. I’m selfish for doing it, I know, but I wanted to experience our love for the last time before I left. I can’t bring myself to tell her that, so I shrug. “Look at me!” she yells. Reluctantly, I bring my focus up to hers and my knees almost buckle. Her eyes are filled to the brim with tears and her lip quivers. “How could you do this to me?”

  “At least now you don’t have to hold Petey back and you’re free to fuck him without guilt.”

  Her hand moves so fast through the air I do
n’t even see it coming. Her palm hits me right across the cheek, the loud smack echoing off the walls. I wish she’d hit me again, and again. Physical pain is much easier to bear than what’s happening in my chest. “You son of a bitch,” she seethes.

  “I’m doing you a favor. You don’t have to worry about who I have in my apartment, and I won’t mess up any of your future plans with your friends. You do you, and I’ll do me.”

  “Get out!” she screams, her cheeks wet with tears. I look away, unable to stomach the results of my destruction.

  I walk out of her room and the reality of what I’ve done comes crashing down on me.

  I just broke up with Mia.

  Suddenly, I can’t breathe and the walls are closing in. Running down nine flights of stairs, I finally reach the lobby and burst through the doors. I take in deep drags of the crisp air trying to calm myself. But no matter how many breaths I take, the outcome is the same.

  I’m a fucking moron and I hate myself.

  This is what’s best for her, I remind myself. We’d been arguing a little over the girls Luke brings over. I could hear the distrust and worry over the phone. She had no reason to be concerned, but that kind of stuff takes its toll on a relationship. Then there was today and it was an eye opener.

  She looked so happy with her friends while I sat back and observed. This weekend it’s a dumb football game, but what else would I be holding her back from if she kept seeing me?

  These thoughts play on a loop during the six-hour drive home as I try desperately to convince myself that I did the right thing. If it’s for the best, why do I have to keep blinking away the tears?

  December 2002

  Twenty-one days.

  That’s how long they say it takes to kick a habit. I can tell you that’s a bunch of bullshit because it’s been longer than that since I’ve seen Mia and I crave her just as much now as I did then. I’m miserable. Absolutely wrecked and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.