First and Last

by Rachael Duncan

  Blake

  Mia,

  This is what dying slowly must feel like.

  Blake

  Mia,

  I don’t hate you anymore. Hell, I never really did. Even if I wanted to, it was impossible. I see now how this is all my fault. If I’m being honest, I was a chicken shit. I saw you building this new life and was scared shitless you’d realize you didn’t need me in it. So I pushed you away because I’m a pussy. I regret that day every moment of my life. I started training for the fire department today, and you’re the first person I wanted to call and tell how it went. But I’ve ruined that. Instead, I’ll keep writing you these notes.

  Blake

  Mia,

  Today kicked my ass. It was the most grueling, physical thing I’ve ever done, and all I could think was I wish I could come home and relax with you. I miss you. So much.

  Blake

  Mia,

  This is my goodbye. I’m letting you go. Today marked the last day of the academy and I’m finally a certified firefighter, not just a volunteer. As this chapter of my life opens, I need to close the old ones. The ones that have long since been over but I was in denial. I didn’t want to accept it. I couldn’t. I’m so fucking sorry for the way I treated you. For the mean things I said in your dorm room that day and for purposely hurting you outside the club. That’s not the guy I am—the guy I want to be. I’m hoping that with time it’ll get easier, but my one wish is that you’re happy. I hope you’ve moved on and have found someone who is deserving of your love and attention. Because I wasn’t. I see that now.

  As hard as this is, I know it’s for the best. I can’t keep living in the past, thinking of all the what-ifs. What if I hadn’t been such a dumbass? What if I would’ve begged for your forgiveness the next day? What if I had never gone up there to visit that weekend? Would it have changed anything? I’m not sure. Maybe this is where we were meant to be all along.

  I’ve thought long and hard about love. What it means and what it does. Love is supposed to be selfless. You don’t use it as a weapon to hurt, to take advantage of someone’s weakness with it. But I know that’s what I’ve done, and that’s why I don’t deserve you. I hope you can forgive me.

  I will love you for the rest of my life and I know your face will be the last thing that goes through my mind, but it’s time to say bye.

  I love you, Mia.

  Blake

  With one last look at the final letter I’ll ever write her, I fold it up, stick it in an envelope, and put it in a box. I tape it closed, creating a vault. I’m not really sure why I’m keeping them, but it feels wrong to throw them away. Maybe one day I’ll be able to make that final step. But for now, I slide the box under my bed and turn out the lights.

  Present

  “Anyone copy?” I ask for the millionth time. I already know the answer before I let go of the button on the side of the radio. Useless piece of shit.

  I’m so damn thirsty and I can’t stop coughing. Breathing in all this smoke is killing me, filling my lungs up with toxins I can’t get rid of despite how much my body coughs.

  The trees are thick where I am, and I know I need to move even though I’m dreading it like the plague. And honestly, I don’t know how much farther I can push myself. But if they’re not able to come and get me by foot, they’ll send a helicopter. There’s no chance in hell they’d be able to spot me, let alone get to me. I need to find an area that’s not as thickly covered. A small clearing would be even better.

  As I’ve done several times now, I roll over onto my stomach and use my arms to drag my body through the forest. It hurts just as bad this time as the first, and each movement is followed by a grunt, groan, or shout.

  Time becomes irrelevant as I struggle through this. I could be crawling for minutes, or it could be hours. I’m not sure and every muscle is screaming at me to give up, but the ones I love at home are what push me forward.

  It feels like I’m making no progress and the rows of trees are endless. Finally, I spot a small break in the thick of it. With renewed energy, my body gets a small dose of adrenaline to push me the final few feet to get there. Rolling back over to my back, I get a good glimpse of the sky for the first time since I rolled down that hill. I know I’m not saved yet, but a new outlook on my predicament washes over me.

  Hope.

  Sometimes you’ll find it in the most unexpected places.

  May 2006

  I don’t spend nearly as much time visiting Mom as I should. When I was growing up, I had to accept the ghost and memories of my dad. They were everywhere and brought a lot of pain at first, now it’s a dull ache. But I smile warmly as I remember Dad playing hide and go seek with us and always hiding behind the couch so we could find him easily. Or when Luke and I were really little, we’d have tickle wars and he’d tickle us until we couldn’t breathe.

  I’m not quite there with my ghosts of Mia.

  She’s been a constant in this house as much as anyone else. Hell, even the kitchen counter reminds me of the very first day I met her and we ate grilled cheese sandwiches together. And it fucking hurts. Maybe with Dad’s death there comes a finality to the situation. He’s never coming back, and we all had to come to terms with that. But Mia’s out there somewhere, and the reason she’s not in my life is all my fault. That’s a harder pill to swallow.

  The other reason I avoid coming over here is staring at me as I fish my keys out of my pocket to leave. I freeze when Mr. Avery pulls into his driveway. I haven’t talked to him in years. Not since Mia and I broke up. He probably thinks I’m the biggest prick ever, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted to kick my ass. Hell, I deserve it.

  “Blake, how’s it going?”

  “Uh, good, Mr. Avery. How are you?” My fingers fumble with my keys as I fight the instinct to run. It’s funny that I’m twenty-two years old, but can be reduced to a six-year-old in this moment.

  He walks closer, crossing into my mom’s front yard. I expect to see a scowl on his face, but he looks genuinely pleased to see me, and that shocks the hell out of me. “Where have you been? Man, you’ve really filled out,” he notices once he’s in front of me. “It’s been way too long since I’ve seen you.”

  I spend all my free time in the gym, so I have changed quite a bit since he saw me last. “Yeah, well, you know.” I look at the ground and shift my weight from foot to foot. “It felt . . . awkward.”

  “I heard about you and Mia breaking up,” he says.

  I rub the back of my neck and look up at him. “How is she?”

  “She’s doing okay. Different, but good.” That’s all I wanted for her, so there’s a small sense of relief that she’s doing well even if it’s tainted with sadness. “Look, she wouldn’t tell me what happened. All I know is she was pretty upset about it. Took it really hard, so I’m assuming it was more of a one-sided breakup versus a mutual one, right?”

  I let out a sigh. Man, where do I even begin? “No, it was me.” I look down at my shoes ashamed. It still hurts just as bad now admitting that I threw everything we had away.

  “Not every relationship works out, but I never understood why you weren’t at least friends.”

  “Because I ruined that too. I don’t want to say I took the easy route, because there’s been nothing easy about the torture I’ve endured knowing I messed everything up. But trust me when I say she wants nothing to do with me.” My hand goes to my chest and rubs the empty spot inside it.

  “How do you know?”

  “I saw it.”

  “Then you’re not looking hard enough.” My focus snaps back up to him. He turns and starts walking back to his house leaving me confused. What the hell did he mean by that?

  He stops and faces me one more time. “She graduates next weekend. The ceremony is at the basketball arena at noon on Sunday. I could leave an extra ticket with your mom if you want to come.”

  Is this my way back into her life? God, what if this blows up in my face and she’s moved on? It wou
ld crush me all over again to see her with someone else. Especially if she’s with that douche, Pete, still. But would Mr. Avery even bring it up if he was setting me up for failure? If there’s the slightest chance of getting her back in my life, I’ll jump all over it.

  Despite my concerns, I find myself saying, “I’ll take it.”

  I drove up to Columbus, Ohio yesterday after my shift at work so I wouldn’t be late to her commencement. I owe Gary big time for switching shifts with me so I could have the weekend off. Now that I’m sitting here waiting for everything to start though, a lead ball sits in my stomach as I wonder if this was the right choice or not.

  Mr. Avery has been an unexpected help. We’re not sitting together, but he did let me know that Mia was planning to meet him outside the front doors when the ceremony was over so he could take her out to eat. I’m not sure why, but he seems to be in my corner rooting for us.

  The ceremony drags on for quite a while before they finally call out names. When they announce Mia Avery, my heart beams and aches for her at the same time. I’m so damn proud of her accomplishments, even if I didn’t get to see her achieve them along the way. I’m here cheering her on at the finish line, and whatever happens after, I’ll have no regrets about coming.

  From here, it’s hard to see her. There’s a jumbo screen behind the stage, but it’s still not a clear image of her face.

  The wait is agonizing as I listen to each student’s name being rattled off. My anxiety increases with each name knowing I’m one step closer to seeing her again. When graduation finally comes to an end, I know this is it. They’re funneling everyone out of one exit. They allow family and guests to exit first before dismissing the graduates. Outside the door, I wait with flowers in hand as each person files out. I rock back and forth on the balls of my feet and I start to sweat profusely. It’s been three long years since I’ve seen her, and the last time wasn’t on great terms. What do I even say to her? Dammit, I should have practiced. But all these thoughts vanish from my head as I see her walk out the double doors.

  I swear she moves in slow motion, the wind blowing her long, blonde hair as she holds her cap in one hand. She’s all smiles as she laughs with a couple girls walking with her. My lips form a small smile too as I take her in unnoticed. My breath catches as I stare at her longingly. God, I’ve missed her so much. She’s older, more mature and sophisticated looking. It’s in the way she carries herself, exuding self-confidence. A sharp pang hits me in the chest, but it’s nothing compared to the myriad of emotions swirling through me when her eyes fall on mine.

  She comes to an abrupt stop and the person behind her runs into her back, causing her to stumble forward a step. Her mouth opens and closes a few times before she looks around and walks toward me hesitantly.

  My hand runs through my hair. “Hey,” I say when she reaches me.

  “Hey?” She clears her throat. “Uh, I mean, hey.” Confusion is written all over her face, but what hits me most is what’s missing.

  Happiness.

  Her smile from earlier is gone, and her eyes are void of emotion and light. It doesn’t exactly set my nerves at ease.

  “Congratulations. These are for you.” I hand her a bouquet of purple flowers. I don’t miss the trembling of my hand and hope she does.

  “Are you—I mean—were you—” Her eyes close, and she takes a deep breath. “What are you doing here?” she blurts out.

  “Look, if you want me to leave, I will. I wasn’t even sure I was going to try to see you, but I couldn’t miss this. This is a big deal, and it felt wrong not to be here for it.”

  Her eyelids flutter a few times and her mouth opens while she searches for something to say. I hold my breath waiting. “I have to go find my dad now.” She starts walking away, the need to escape evident. “Thanks for the flowers,” she says over her shoulder.

  My head hangs low in defeat. I’m not sure what I had expected, but I had hoped it would be better than this. No, this can’t be it. Turning around, I sprint back to her. “Wait, Mia. Can we talk later?”

  She searches my eyes for the longest time. “Yeah, I’ll text you.” And then she’s gone.

  I think I wore a hole in the carpet of my hotel room while I waited for Mia’s text. Part of me doubted she would, but she did. So, here I am at this small diner where she’ll walk through any minute. I wipe my hands on my pants as I stare at the door. Finally, the bell above it chimes and she walks in.

  She looks beautiful in her long, flowy summer dress with her hair in soft curls down her back. Her deep blue eyes pierce through mine when she looks my way. I’ve dreamed of those eyes so many nights that it’s almost surreal to be looking into them again.

  “Thanks for meeting me,” I tell her, breaking the awkward silence. Well, it’s still awkward, but at least it’s not quiet.

  “Sure.”

  Neither of us continues after that. I guess we’re both waiting to see where the other takes the conversation, but it’s becoming clear no one wants to go first.

  “I know it’s been a long time. You’re probably seeing someone and want nothing to do with me.”

  “I’m not,” she interjects quickly, “seeing anyone that is.” She looks at the table, her cheeks tinting red from blurting that out. I, on the other hand, have to work hard not to show how much that information pleases me. I also can’t read too much into the fact that she told me either.

  “Well,” I start again, clearing my throat. “It’s probably too little too late, but I had to see you and apologize for being such an ass.”

  “Which time?” Her eyebrow arches, letting me know she’s not going to make this easy on me.

  “Every time. When we broke up, that night at the club, all of it.”

  She nods her head slowly and looks at her hands in her lap. “It’s okay,” she says quietly, the lie seeping from her mouth.

  “No, it’s not.”

  She glances up at me with a flash of anger in her eyes. “You’re right, it was never okay. Why didn’t you call?” The exact thing I was dreading seeing is staring me back in the face right now—pain and heartache.

  I shrug. “I didn’t think you’d want to hear from me.”

  “You have no idea how hard that was for me. It felt like I died twice. Not only did I lose my boyfriend, but my best friend too. And I never understood why. Did you not love me anymore?” Tears prick her eyes and I will her not to cry. I hate when she cries.

  “God, no, Mia. I’ve never stopped loving you. My love for you is a part of my heart, my soul, the very thing my body is made of.”

  “Then why?” Her voice cracks on the last word, further splintering my heart.

  “I got scared, okay? You looked so happy with your new friends and new life, and I didn’t want to be left behind. All I could see was you not needing me anymore and running off with some rich, educated guy. I thought it would be better to end things sooner rather than later when you realized I wasn’t good enough.” Once the words start coming out, I can’t stop them and I purge the last three and a half years of insecurities and guilt.

  “You should have told me,” she says when I’m done.

  “I know. Trust me, I know.”

  “Did you think so little of me—of our relationship? You say ‘trust me,’ but isn’t that what you should’ve done? I don’t know what I did to make you believe I’d leave you behind.”

  “It wasn’t you, it was me. I can’t tell you how sorry I am and how much I wish I could turn back time and do it all over again.”

  “The part that gets me every time I think about that day is how you used me. I just can’t get past it.” Her eyes fall back to the table, seemingly looking at it for answers.

  “Used you?” My brows furrowed in confusion.

  When her gaze meets mine again, it’s almost vacant, and that scares me. “You fucked me then went on your merry way as if I was nothing to you. I thought you’d at least call the next day or so and explain what happened, but I got nothing. Ju
st used like a two-dollar whore to get yours before walking out of my life forever.”

  My eyes squeeze shut listening to the harsh truth of how I made her feel. “No, that’s not what that was.” I can’t even meet her eyes I’m so disgusted and ashamed with myself. “When we went back to your room and started arguing, I’ll admit I knew then I was going to walk away. But I had to love you one last time before I went. I wanted to remember us the way we were, even if it was short-lived. To feel your love and our connection. It was selfish and wrong, but in that moment, I needed you. I collapsed on top of you and had to hold back the tears because I knew what was coming next. It killed me to do that to you and I’ve never been the same since.”

  We hold each other’s focus for a while. Neither of us even blinking as we digest everything that has happened today. It’s been unexpected to say the least.

  “So what happens from here? I’m not over everything and I don’t trust you completely. I know I can’t pick up where we left off if that was what you were hoping for.”

  I shake my head. “I broke your trust and don’t expect to have it right away. That’s something that I’ll have to earn back if you give me the chance. And no, I know we can’t pick up where we left off. I just want you in my life. I want to be able to call you and laugh at stupid jokes or bitch about stupid people. You’re the jelly to my peanut butter and I want my friend back. Would you be okay with keeping in touch after this?” I hold my breath as I wait for her to respond, terrified she’ll tell me to fuck off.

  She swallows hard before nodding the tiniest bit, but it’s enough confirmation for me. I couldn’t stop the huge smile that spreads across my face if I tried. It’s the first genuine smile I’ve had in years and I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my chest. It’s liberating and freeing. No, things aren’t back to the way they were, but I’ll take it.