First and Last

by Rachael Duncan

Holding onto the handle of Mia’s car, I slide myself into it and she puts my wheelchair in the trunk. Not having my normal mobility took some getting used to, but I’m adjusting and getting around a lot easier on my own. When she gets in the driver’s seat, I answer her. “There’s nothing for us here. The only reason we moved was because of my job. And, well, I can’t do that anymore.” I point to my legs.

  She looks at me with understanding, never with pity. “I think it’ll be good for us to be close to family again. We’ll figure everything else out,” she says with a reassuring smile on her face. I grab her hand and kiss the top of it. Again, her strength amazes me.

  New beginnings and second chances.

  That’s what this next move symbolizes. This may not be where I saw myself in our future, but that’s life. Just like the fires I fought every day, it’s unpredictable. But there’s one variable that remains constant, and that’s Mia. She’s my light in the darkness, the air in my lungs, and my reason for living. With her by my side, even our biggest challenges seem doable.

  My first friend.

  My first kiss.

  My only love.

  My first and my last.

  While writing this book, I did a lot of research on firefighters, smokejumpers, and what it takes to become both. I found an amazingly adventurous man through one of his blog posts that answered questions about the steps needed to become a smokejumper. He was incredibly helpful and answered all of my questions, even ones that seemed insignificant like the type of graduation ceremony they have when they pass the rookie course.

  In Blake’s story, he goes from a firefighter straight to a smokejumper. I’d like to note that this rarely happens. Most smokejumpers are required to have wildfire experience and serve on hot shot crews prior to applying for these elite positions. Due to timeline restraints, I used a little artistic liberties to fit my plot.

  I really struggled with this ending. I love bringing my readers stories they can become immersed in that make them happy. When I first plotted this story out, Blake was never going to make it out of the fire alive. The epilogue would be in Mia’s point of view several months after his death. I agonized over going with how I envisioned the story in my head, and giving readers the ending that would make them happy. I even wrote it out, but I still couldn’t pull the trigger.

  To be honest, I’m not sure if I was afraid of the backlash that could come with killing off a main character and disappointed fans, or if it was my own attachment to Blake that kept me from following through. Either way, I’m happy with the way it ended, and I hope you are too. Before I sent this over to my formatter, I read over the original ending one last time just to be sure, and it had a completely different emotional effect on me than the conclusion I ended up with. While I never intended to show anyone the way I had first plotted it out, it just felt wrong to keep it locked away on my computer for no one else to experience. So, if you’d like to see the way it was going to end, keep reading. Please note that this ending has not been edited.

  Mia

  January 18, 2017

  I wasn’t sure what I was going to do after Blake died. I couldn’t stay in our home because he was everywhere I looked. But I didn’t know where else to go. After talking to my dad, he convinced me to move back home until I get back on my feet.

  Walking into the house I grew up in was crippling. If I thought staying in Oregon was hard, it pales in comparison to how I felt driving up the street. I felt like I was in slow-mo and all I could picture was the very first day I ever saw Blake when I was six years old and had to move in with my dad. We had so many memories here. It’s where we first met, where our friendship and love grew. I spent that first week in bed crying. I’d like to say I was strong for our kids, but I failed them miserably and slipped into a state of deep, soul crushing depression. But it’s been six months and I’m doing better. I’m not great and I still have my bad days, but I’m making it.

  I’m sitting on the tailgate of Blake’s truck watching the kids play at the park. It’s one Blake and I used to play on together all the time. I smile as I remember that sweet, eight year old boy pushing me on the swings.

  The kids are getting so big. Aubrey will be seven in April and Michael just turned three. Where Michael is a spitting image of his daddy, Aubrey acts just like him. It’s comforting for me to see him through them, but at the same time it rips my heart open when I realize he’ll never get to see this.

  Looking down at my hands, I flip the white envelope over that I’m holding. When the guys at base cleared out his locker, they gave me all of his things. In it was a sealed envelope with Blake’s writing across the front.

  Open in 6 months

  I feel like I could hyperventilate. I’ve wanted to know what’s inside for so long, and now that I can open it, I’m terrified to find out what it says. I glance at the kids one more time, take a deep breath, and open it.

  My dearest Mia,

  If you’re reading this it’s because I’ve failed you. Not from a lack of trying though. Just know I did everything I could to get back to you and the kids.

  I know I’ve told you before, but you’ve made me happier than I ever could have imagined. I never knew life could be this good, but you’ve made it amazing. My only hope is that I’ve given you a fraction of the love and happiness you’ve given me over the years.

  Some time has passed now and I know you’re doing better. You’re strong, stronger than I ever was, so I have no doubts you’ll be fine.

  You know I’m not real good with the romantic stuff, but I want you to make me a promise. It’s the whole reason I wrote this other than to tell you I love you one more time. I don’t need to ask you to watch out for our kids and tell them about me because I know you’ll do those things. I want you to promise me that this won’t be the end for you. When you’re ready, you’ll find a new happiness. Even if that’s with someone else, it’s okay.

  You deserve everything in life, and I’m so sorry I won’t be the one to give it to you. I love you so much and all I want for you is to be happy. Don’t be afraid of it and don’t let our memories hold you back from finding it.

  Just because I’m not here, doesn’t mean I’m gone for good. I’ll live on through you, Aubrey, and Michael. You three were my biggest accomplishments and there wasn’t a thing on this planet that I was prouder of. I’ll be watching you guys from afar.

  Tell Michael to keep his elbow up when he bats.

  Tell Aubrey she’s not allowed to date until she’s thirty.

  You are my heart and soul,

  Blake

  With tears streaming down my face, I fold up the letter and put it back in the envelope trying to take it all in. I clutch it to my chest and squeeze my eyes shut. Oh God, it hurts so bad I can hardly breathe.

  He was the kindest, most selfless man and in his last words to me he’s worried about my happiness. I wipe the tears from my face and look back at the greatest gift Blake could have ever given me. They’re smiling and laughing and being just as carefree as I once was. I’m not ready yet, but I hope in time I can get back to that point. No one will be able to replace Blake and he’ll always have my heart. He was my first.

  My first friend.

  My first kiss.

  My first lover.

  My only soulmate.

  But I know I can’t hold on forever and live like this. Eventually, I’ll have to let go. Not forget, but move forward. I look up at the sky and let the sun bathe me while the crisp winter air cuts through my bones. “I’ll always love you, Blake.”

  I hop off the tailgate and take my first step with a cleansing breath. My heart aches constantly, but I know he’s here with us. Hopefully in the future that knowledge will serve as a comfort instead of bringing pain.

  “Come on, kids. Time to go. It’s cold out here.”

  They come running off the playground, their little noses red from the cool air.

  Aubrey looks up at me and the smile on her face falls. “What’s wrong, Mom
my?” Her eyebrows are pulled in with worry. “Are you okay?”

  I give her a sad smile. “I will be, baby girl. I will be.”

  It takes a small village to publish a book, and I don’t know what I would do without the people who help me do it. I want to thank Laura, Judy, Jody, Alexis, Isabelle, and Robin for beta reading for me. I had so many doubts about this story and each of you helped me in huge ways to work through it and iron out the bumps.

  To Perfectly Publishable, you ladies rock. Nichole Strauss, I appreciate every adverb you highlighted and content changes you suggested. Christine Borgford, thank you for making the inside look just as beautiful as the outside.

  To Judy’s Proofreading for catching the little things that sometimes fall through the cracks, you’re awesome. Thank you for being my final set of eyes and going through the story with a fine-toothed comb.

  A big thank you to my cover designer for another gorgeous cover. Marisa with Cover Me, Darling never fails to amaze me with her incredible talent and ability to nail the cover of every book.

  Lauren Perry with Perrywinkle Photography has the most incredible images, and this one is no exception. Thank you for letting me use another one of your beautiful photographs.

  Thanks, Ena and Amanda with Enticing Journey. As always, you put together a flawless blog tour and I’m so grateful for your efforts in helping me spread the word.

  I have to thank my family. Steven, you’ve always supported my goals and encouraged me to chase them. Thank you for brainstorming with me on that long drive home and helping me work out this idea. A special thanks to my kids for allowing me to take time away to work. Your patience and understanding when Mommy is busy is much appreciated. I love you guys.

  Thank you doesn’t seem like enough, but I want the readers and bloggers to know how much I love them. Your passion for reading is what keeps me going. It’s incredibly humbling when I see you talking about a story I’ve written. The only reason I’m able to do what I love is because of you. Without you guys, my books would collect dust and sit on a shelf. Thank you for giving them life by reading them.

  Last, but not least, thanks to the two men who helped me with my research. Bruce Nelson for your smokejumper experience and expertise, and Brian Biggs for your firefighter knowledge. Both have served their communities and saved lives, and I’m grateful for not only your help, but also your service. Thank you.

  RACHAEL DUNCAN IS an Army wife and mother to two beautiful girls. She grew up in Nashville, Tennessee and went off to graduate from the University of Tennessee with a bachelor's degree in political science. With initial plans to work in politics, she moved to Washington, D.C. and worked on Capitol Hill for a House Representative. After a short time, she realized it wasn't for her and began pursuing other careers until she started writing. She's the author of Tackled by Love, The Lies and Truth Series, and Hopeless Vows.

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  www.rachaelduncanauthor.blogspot.com

  Tackled by Love

  THE LIES AND TRUTH SERIES:

  Hidden in Lies

  Uncovered by Truth

  Hopeless Vows