Bent not Broken

by Lisa De Jong

  As he drives me home, he looks lost in his own world, and I know I’m the one who put him there. I want him to be happy, but I’m not the person who can give him that.

  He didn’t come over to my house for six days afterward. He didn’t call or text. I thought I’d finally pushed him too far, but on day seven he knocked on my door, proving why he really is the only guy I can trust.

  Since that night, Beau and I have gone back to the way we had been the last two years. I keep him close enough for comfort, but far enough not to let him see inside. Somehow, he can always read me, though, and I both love and hate him for it.

  We also haven’t been back to the lake since that night. In fact, we haven’t gone anywhere. We’ve either hung out around his house or mine. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of what might happen between us if we’re alone. Maybe I’m afraid of what I might tell Beau if he tries hard enough to break down my walls. I’m scared of everything these days.

  This may be one of the last days we will have together for a while, so I agreed to go to the lake with him. It holds so many good memories from my past, and I can’t help but think that what happened last time could have been a good memory too. I have lots of moments I’d like to hold on to forever, but I’m afraid they will always be overshadowed by that one horrible memory I can’t let go of.

  Chapter 2

  A knock at the door is a welcome break. I peek through the window and see the back of Beau’s head with all its tousled dark hair and I instantly feel my chest tighten. This is going to be much harder than I’d thought.

  I reach for the doorknob and take a deep breath. He turns around as I open the door and gives me the dimple-bearing smile I love so much. My eyes meet his bright blue ones, and I see some of the sadness I feel reflected in them.

  This isn’t going to be easy on either of us.

  “Hey,” Beau says, pulling me in for a hug. I breathe in the smell of his soap. Not that I need to; I can close my eyes and remember exactly what he smells like any time I want.

  “Hey,” I say, pulling back and wrapping my hands around his arms. “Are you all ready to go tomorrow?”

  The smile falls from his face. “Everything is ready to go. I wanted to make sure I could spend the rest of my day with you.”

  I can’t decide if I should cry or smile. He’s the sweetest, most caring person I’ve ever met, and for some reason, after everything that’s happened between us, he still wants to be around me.

  “You look really nice today, by the way,” he says, moving his eyes up and down my body. I quickly cross my arms over my chest, very aware that all I have on over my swimsuit is cut off shorts and a white tank. I may be a walking contradiction to the average teenage girl because I don’t like to draw attention to the way I look. If the summer weather allowed it, I would wear nothing but baggy sweats and t-shirts.

  Beau, on the other hand, looks carefree, standing in front of me in nothing but black swim trunks and a tight white t-shirt. He’s not at all ashamed of who he is.

  “I can’t believe summer’s over already,” I say, looking down at my feet. I don’t want him to see the tears that are glistening in my eyes whenever I think about living a day without him. He knows me too well, though.

  He wraps me in his arms again and kisses my forehead. “I’ll come back every weekend if you want me to . . . or you can come visit me. You know I’ll do anything for you.”

  I pull back, shaking my head. “Enjoy the college experience. You don’t need to worry about me,” I say, whispering the last part. But I don’t know if I really want him to listen to me. In fact, I’m pretty sure I don’t.

  “Come on, let’s go,” he says, leading me toward his truck. It’s an old red beat up Chevy with a loud muffler. In a way, I’m going to miss it too; I always feel better when I hear his truck pulling down our street and into his driveway. It means he isn’t that far away if I need him.

  I lean my head against the window and try to convince myself that everything will be okay. Just because I don’t believe it now, doesn’t mean I can’t keep trying.

  When we arrive at the lake, I put a smile on my face and try to make the best of this last day we have together. The next time I see Beau, he’s going to have amazing stories about the things he’s done at college and the people he’s met . . . the girls he’s met.

  There’s a gnawing feeling in my chest as I watch him set two towels down on the beach. Someday he’s going to do this with someone else and he’ll be smiling at her like he’s smiling at me right now. I don’t know why I even let myself think about it because it hurts so damn much.

  We sit side by side with our arms resting on our knees and stare out at the blue water. It’s quiet now that all of the kids have gone back to school and summer vacations have ended.

  I don’t come out here often anymore because I’d constantly be looking over my shoulder, jumping at every noise I hear. Today is different, though. When I look at Beau, I feel like everything is going to be okay. He gives me a sense of security; he always has. I can’t take my eyes off him as I watch him stand and slide his shirt over his head, revealing his toned stomach.

  “You up for a swim today?” he asks, running his hand through his hair.

  I look up at the clear blue sky. I shrug. “Why not.”

  “Hurry up and I’ll race you,” he teases, resting his hands on his hips.

  I roll my eyes and slide out of my clothes, feeling exposed in my one-piece black suit. “Beau, can you just go in before me? Please.”

  “Come on! I’ll let you win,” he says, tilting his head to the side.

  I move to sit back down on the towel, but he grabs my elbow, halting me in place. “It’s just you and me out here. You don’t have to be scared.”

  He quickly lets go of my arm and walks into the water, leaving me standing alone. I watch as his legs gradually disappear under the water before walking in after him. The water is warm and as clear as lake water can be.

  He glances back at me when he hears my feet splashing in the water, and I don’t miss the grin on his face before he turns back around.

  I swim out to him, standing in water that hits right on my shoulders. “Do you remember when we came out here after my mom bought me my first bikini?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood.

  “Yeah,” he laughs. “I’ve never seen you turn so red.”

  “It’s not funny, Beau,” I say, splashing water at him.

  “You screamed so loud, I thought something really bad happened.” He shakes his head, trying really hard to control himself. “But then you came out of the water with your hands covering your chest yelling about how you were never coming back to this stupid lake again.”

  When I came up from diving into the water that day, I realized my bikini top hadn’t come up with me. I completely lost it.

  “If you were me, you would have been mortified too.”

  “You were only nine. There wasn’t that much to look at,” he teases, splashing some water back at me. “And do you remember how long it was before you agreed to come back to the lake with me?”

  I playfully smack his shoulder, trying hard not to laugh. “That doesn’t matter.”

  “It was the very next day,” he says, holding his hands up in front of his face to avoid getting more water in his eyes.

  “I wore a one piece.”

  “Yeah, the black one with a big pink flower on the front. I remember,” he says, lowering his voice.

  My heart does this little flip-flop thing it sometimes does when Beau’s around. “How do you remember everything?”

  “I don’t . . . I just remember everything about you,” he says, brushing the back of his finger against my cheek.

  I swallow, unable to speak as I watch beads of water race down his forehead.

  When it’s just us, I feel as if we’re the only two people in the world. It’s actually my idea of perfect. But sometimes, like right now, it feels almost a little too perfect.

  “How’s you
r mom?” I ask, turning my attention to the water for a few seconds to break the tension.

  He shrugs. “She’s already asking when I’m coming back to visit, but I think she’ll be okay. It’s not like I’m moving across the country. You might have to take care of her for me.” A slight smile crosses my lips as I peer down at the diamonds reflecting off of the water. Beau and his mom are close. His dad works a lot of hours managing one of the local factories and Beau’s an only child, just like me. I think that’s part of the reason we became such good friends.

  “Are you going to miss me?” I ask. I instantly regret the words as soon as they slip out of my mouth.

  He turns his head to the side before he faces me again with a somber expression on his face. “You really have no idea, do you?”

  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” I reply, shaking my head.

  He sighs, running his hand through his damp hair. “That’s not what I meant.”

  I can’t remove my eyes from his as I watch his jaw move back and forth like he’s having an internal debate about what he should say next. I remain still, rolling my lower lip between my teeth as I wait for him to say something.

  “Yes, Kate, I’m going to miss you. I’m so damn in love with you, I can barely stand to spend a few hours apart from you, and now we’re going to be miles and hours apart. It sucks. It really fucking sucks,” he says, lowering his voice a little more with each word.

  I’m shocked. Completely and utterly shocked. I don’t see how anyone could love me. I’m not pretty. I’m certainly not that fun to be around, and I’ve let go of all my dreams. What is there to love about me?

  I remove my eyes from his, watching his Adam’s apple move up and down as he swallows. When I look back up, his eyes are burning into me, and I know he’s waiting for me to react. He just laid his heart out in front of me, and I’m struggling with how I feel about it. This is the moment I dreamt of for years. I was the princess waiting for my prince to come save me from the top of the highest tower. Now, I’m unreachable . . . even for Beau.

  I look past him to the line of houses on the other side of the lake in an effort to buy myself a few more seconds. “You’re not in love with me. There’s a difference between being in love and loving someone. I’ll always love you, but I’m not the girl you deserve to be falling in love with. You need someone who can give you everything,” I say, swallowing down the lump in my throat. I’ve waited for Beau Bennett to tell me he loves me for years. He’s just too late.

  He moves in closer, grabbing my chin gently between his fingertips. “I love you. I think I’ve loved you since I was five.”

  “Why are you telling me this now?” I ask pinching my eyes closed to avoid his.

  “Look at me,” he says, frustration laced in his tone. “I’ve wanted to tell you for a very long time, but I didn’t think you were ready to hear it. I’m leaving tomorrow and I couldn’t wait any longer.”

  “Beau, I—”

  He stops me, putting his finger over my lips. “Don’t say anything yet,” he says, slowly removing his finger. “I can’t leave tomorrow without asking you something. I don’t care about anyone else. I’ve tried for years to get you out of my head because you were supposed to be my best friend, but I can’t do it, Kate. I want you to give me a chance.”

  Sadness spills through my chest like a disease. I don’t have a problem pushing people away these days, but the guy standing in front of me isn’t someone I want to lose. That’s exactly what’s going to happen when I tell him the truth.

  “I can’t,” I whisper as the first tear rolls down my cheek. I can’t give him something that was already taken from me.

  “Why? Please help me understand. You shut everyone out of your life. You haven’t done much of anything in two years. It’s like one day you were happy, carefree Kate, and then the next you were gone. What happened to you? I can’t fix it if you don’t tell me,” he pleads, resting his hands on my shoulders.

  He’s asked me this a million different times, and a million different ways, but I can’t tell him the real reason I’m not myself anymore. I never do, and tomorrow he’ll be mad at me for closing up again, and then the next day he’ll start to come around. It’s what we’ve always done, but I know it can’t be this way forever. “It’s just not good timing. You’re leaving tomorrow.”

  “If you ask me to stay, I’ll stay,” he says, searching my eyes. I’m always worried that he’ll find the truth buried in there somewhere, but he hasn’t yet. I pray he never will.

  I shake my head. “I’m sorry, Beau,” I say, my voice cracking a little more with each word. I step out of his grasp and start walking toward the beach, not looking back.

  I hate Drew Heston right now. It took him less than ten minutes to ruin my body, but the emotional scars keep cutting deeper. He took away my hope, my dreams, my future, and I’ll always hate him for it.

  I don’t bother drying off before I throw my tank and shorts over my swimsuit. Beau, more than likely, won’t talk to me for the rest of the day. We’ve done this before. I know that he’s going to take a few minutes to calm down before he comes out of the water and then walks to his truck without saying a word. He’ll drive me home with nothing more than a sideways glance.

  Only the other times, he hadn’t told me he loved me. I don’t know what this means for us going forward. He’s done the one thing I was afraid to do when I felt the same way a couple years ago, and I’ve done the same thing I feared he would do back then. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about what I’ve done to him. He placed his heart in my hands and I crushed it.

  I sit in the truck for several minutes staring out at the water before Beau opens the driver’s door and jumps up into his seat. He turns the key in the ignition and puts the truck in reverse. As predicted, he doesn’t even say a word as he drives back into town and pulls onto our street. The silence is deafening.

  When he pulls into his driveway, he puts his truck into park, but doesn’t move to get out. I chance a quick glance to see him staring forward with his jaw clenched. I look away, frustrated with myself for not being able to move forward. I wish there was a way to end the war being fought inside of me right now.

  I grab my purse and open the door, carefully stepping down and shutting the door without looking back. I start to walk across his yard to my house when I hear his car door shut. He’s mad which means he’ll probably walk behind his house and lay on top of the old trampoline. If it’s light out, he’ll close his eyes to listen to the sounds that surround him, but if it’s dark, he’ll stare at the stars. He’s been doing it since he was ten.

  I’m almost to my front steps when I feel a big hand wrap around my upper arm. I flinch. I have a hard time being touched, but I have an even harder time when I don’t see it coming.

  I spin around, ready to battle, but when I see the sad, dark look on his face, I stop. Nothing I can say or do is going to be worse than what I’ve already done today.

  “Are you going to come over and say goodbye to me in the morning?” he asks, defeated. I force a slight smile onto my face. He won’t leave tomorrow if he thinks I’m upset with him. Truth is, I’m not upset with him . . . I’m only upset with myself.

  “Yes, what time are you leaving?”

  “Nine in the morning,” he says, swallowing hard. He’s staring at my lips like he wants to taste them.

  Panic grips my chest tight and I can’t pretend anymore. I hate when he looks at me like that. “I’ll come over in the morning,” I say, wiggling from his grasp. I hear him say my name twice before I get in the house, but I don’t turn around. I can’t let him complicate things. My life is already a crazy maze that I can’t find my way out of.

  I’m surprised to see my mom sitting in the living room when I open the door. Sometimes I feel like we’re just roommates co-existing in the same space. She works the morning shift at the diner, then comes home to change before working at the local bar and grill in the evening. She rarely has a day o
ff.

  She looks up at me, smiling. “Hey, where have you been?”

  “I went swimming with Beau. He’s leaving tomorrow,” I say, looking down at my fingernails.

  “I still don’t understand why you decided not to go to college. Don’t you at least want to enroll in some classes at the community college? Nurses make really good money, you know.” I hate having this conversation, and I’m certainly not in the mood to have it now. I don’t want to go to college because I don’t want to be around other people my age. Besides, college is for people who know what they want and have dreams for the future.

  “I’m just taking this year off. I’ll save some money, and then I can go next year,” I answer, continuing to avoid her eyes. “What are you doing home, anyway? I thought you had to work tonight?”

  She looks a little taken back by my question. “I thought you would need me tonight since your best friend is leaving tomorrow.”

  I’m surprised that she even remembered to be honest. I usually have to remind her of everything, and I haven’t brought up Beau’s departure once. She seems to know what I’m thinking and points to the calendar next to the computer desk. I’d written down the day he was leaving months ago, silently counting down the days.

  I look back at her and relax my shoulders. “Thanks.”

  “Do you want to order pizza and watch a movie? Beau can come over if he’s not busy,” she says, patting the spot next to her on the couch.

  “I don’t think Beau wants to come over tonight,” I say, sitting down next to her. I can see her staring at me out of the corner of her eye.

  “You know, I always thought the two of you would end up together someday,” she says, using her fingertips to move a few pieces of hair out of my eyes.

  “He’s just a friend.” I don’t want to talk about Beau and what we have or don’t have. I’ve had enough of that today.

  She shakes her head at me and focuses her attention back to the TV. I think my mom has this idea of what real love should be, but I don’t think she’s ever experienced it. She’s dated lots of guys over the years but never stuck with one for long. I don’t even know if her idea of the right guy exists.