Bent not Broken

by Lisa De Jong

  His truck is just fine and what I drive most of the time.

  Since there’s less to work on right now with the gardens, I spend more time writing. It’s something I’ve neglected for a while. Once I’m done with my responsibilities for the Inn and usually while Gracie is napping, I’ll sit down with my notebook and pour it all out. I think the therapy I got from working out in the garden was worth more than I knew. I’m starting with my story, in hopes that, in time, every past wound will at least scab over…I know I’m not there quite yet.

  Writing is like taking all your insides out, stomping on them, and stuffing them back inside hoping they’ll fit. Especially when you’re writing your history.

  All that, and yet, I still feel like it’s helping.

  One night, when the air is not so chilly, Isaiah, Gracie and I take a walk outside.

  Isaiah is holding Gracie and his hand is around my waist. He seems to be leading us somewhere and I let him. We walk to my favorite archway. All the wreckage and it remains untouched.

  Isaiah pulls me under the structure and we look up at it. It’s still beautiful. Weathered, but strong.

  “This survived, just like we did,” Isaiah says.

  “It sure did.” I smile at him.

  “Listen, I know we’ve tried to get married a couple of times…”

  We haven’t been able to get anyone to marry us…we’ve tried three places. Mixed marriages are apparently against a few religions.

  “How about we get married right now and then plan a big party once we get it looking pretty out here again?” Isaiah raises his eyebrows. “What do you think? Will you marry me now?”

  “Yes!”

  “Just us. Right here, right now.” Isaiah smiles.

  “Okay. I like it.” I smile back.

  “I, Isaiah Cornelius Washington, take you, Caroline Josephine Carson, to be my wife. I will cherish you forever, live to make you smile, love you beyond the day I die, and do whatever it takes to make you happy, so long as we both shall live.”

  I lean up and kiss him.

  Gracie giggles.

  “I, Caroline Josephine Carson, take you, Isaiah Cornelius Washington, to be my husband. I will spend every second of the rest of my life loving you and only you. I will always be grateful that we were given another chance, and when hard times come, I will know that we’ve already endured the worst. We can handle anything as long as we’re together.”

  Isaiah nudges Gracie and she says, “Now?”

  “Now,” he whispers.

  “You may kiss the bwide,” Gracie says proudly.

  Isaiah kisses my lips and Gracie kisses the rest of my face and then moves on to his.

  ****

  Isaiah gets done with the school and the very next day we have a huge birthday party for Gracie. She’s three years old and very excited about it. Everybody’s there—Papa, Ruby, Sadie, Brenda, Charlie, Shelby, and right before it starts, Dad and Grandpaw arrive.

  I get to Grandpaw’s side of the car before he even gets out good.

  “Why, look at you,” he says and gives me a big hug. “You’re prettier’n a tom-cat’s kitten!”

  “Grandpaw, it’s good to see you.”

  “It’s good to see you. I’m glad to see you so fine. Now, what’s this I hear about you giving me a nigger baby?” His stomach starts bouncing up and down while he laughs and shakes his head.

  “Grandpaw, if you’re gonna talk like that, you can just get right back in your car and go back to Tulma. I’m not having my daughter or my husband hear our family say that. You hear?”

  “Oh, Caroline, don’t be actin’ above your raisin’ just because you’re out here on all this.” He waves his arm out over the plantation. “You are who you are.”

  Isaiah comes up behind me then and puts his hands on my shoulders.

  “Hello! Welcome,” he says to Grandpaw.

  Grandpaw nods at him but doesn’t say anything.

  I open my mouth to say something and Isaiah nudges me. I look over my shoulder at him and he gives me a subtle shake of his head. He walks around to Dad and they hug.

  Grandpaw behaves the rest of the day. He doesn’t say much, but that’s just as well. He probably hasn’t gone a day in his life without telling one of his racist jokes, so I guess we can’t expect to retrain him all in the course of a day.

  ****

  Gracie doesn’t even know what to do with herself—all her favorite people, all in one place.

  It’s fun to watch Brenda and Charlie. They’re really happy together. I think they’ll be getting hitched soon, if Brenda has anything to say about it. I look around at all the adults and realize we need to get Gracie around more children…fast…she needs some little friends. Or a sibling. Pretty soon…I might be convinced to work on that before too long. For now, I want Gracie to have her time with her dad. And I want to enjoy Isaiah as much as I can just like this. I smile over at him and he smiles back.

  “What?” He comes over and nuzzles my neck.

  “Nothin’.” I smirk.

  “Oh, you’re thinkin’ somethin’,” he says.

  “I’ll tell you later—when I can actually do something about it.”

  His eyes light up and he kisses the back of my neck.

  Sweet Jesus, I love him.

  ****

  My birthday comes a few days later and Isaiah takes me camping to celebrate. He says we’re around such splendor all the time at the Inn, we should get out and enjoy the nature around it. So we hug Gracie, who is happy for her own little adventure with Ruby, and we head out in the truck with a tent.

  We park not too far from a lake we found a few weeks ago and find a good place to put the tent. I pull out the huge picnic basket and laugh at our version of camping. Ruby has sent food for twelve.

  There’s no one around. It’s our very own secluded hideaway.

  We go swimming and talk about that day so long ago when we were swimming in our clothes. The subject comes up because Isaiah has stripped me of my suit.

  “If we had just done this back then, it could have all been settled,” he teases.

  “You think so?” I laugh.

  “Mm-hmm.”

  “I wish I’d known back then that it would all work out.”

  “I do too, but you know what? We might not have seen all the good if we hadn’t gone through all the bad.”

  I give him a scowl and he shrugs.

  “It’s true,” he says.

  “You’ve always seen the good.”

  “You’re right. Because I’ve always seen you.” He wraps my legs around him and kisses me. “You are the good.”

  I lean my head back in the water, which happens to bring my breasts right up to him in easy access…

  “See what I mean? It’s your birthday, but here you are, giving me presents.” He leans down and kisses them one at a time.

  I laugh and bring my head back up to meet his lips. “I already have everything I want, so I might as well give you something.”

  This time we have a hard time even getting our lips to meet because we’re smiling so wide.

  Epilogue

  Back to the Beginning

  1977

  Isaiah will be here soon. We’re adding onto the carriage house and since I’m paranoid that he could have an accident like Davis did, he has to always work with someone else. After weeks of bad weather and workers canceling, he finally had help this week. We have to get it done soon, if we want it ready before the baby comes. We rode down with Ruby and once she got here, she went to visit her family. She didn’t want to leave me; I forced her out the door. She takes care of me enough, as it is. Papa and Sadie will be making the drive with Isaiah.

  I promised him I’d be all right. But I should have known better. I’ve been a wreck being in the house without him or Dad.

  I hear a noise and jump a mile. I shake my head and stand up to see where it came from. All the times I spent in this house alone…how did I ever do that? I feel like more of a
child now than I did then.

  The door opens and Daddy walks in. I rush over to him and hug him. He hangs on tight for a minute and then pulls back.

  He wipes the tears off my face. “I’m so sorry—I got held up with the funeral arrangements. You takin’ it hard about Grandpaw?”

  I shake my head. “I mean, yes, it’s sad, but…just havin’ a hard time bein’ in this house again. Too much.”

  “I was supposed to be here when you got here, honey. I told Isaiah I would and I tried real hard, but the Gentrys would not let me go!”

  “It’s okay. You’re here now and Isaiah and Papa will be soon, too.”

  “Gracie outside? I didn’t see her when I pulled in.”

  “She’s on the hammock.”

  “Okay…oh and I’ve got somebody you’ll like to see,” he says when we step outside. He lets out a loud whistle.

  A dog comes running and when he gets closer, I yell, “Josh!”

  He hightails it to me and I sit down so I can pet him and hug him. His whole hind end waves back and forth.

  “I can’t believe he’s still looking so good,” I say to my dad.

  “Yeah, he’s been happy as can be back here with me. He wasn’t faring too well after Nellie.”

  Gracie hears the commotion and hops off the hammock to run toward Granpapa.

  “Look at you. You’re all stretched out!” he yells.

  She laughs and hugs him again.

  “Speakin’ of stretched out,” Dad says, as he turns and pats my stomach, “think that baby will make an appearance while you’re here?”

  “I hope not. I’d like to get home and settled before that happens!”

  Dad sobers a little but gives me a smile.

  “Now that Grandpaw is gone, maybe I can get over to Bardstown more often,” he says. “Maybe even something permanent. This isn’t my home anymore either.”

  “I’d like that,” I say, leaning my head on his shoulder.

  ****

  Isaiah and Papa get to the house just in time to shower and go to the funeral parlor. The relief is immediate when I see Isaiah’s face.

  He kisses my eyelids, my nose, my cheeks, and lands on my lips, all the while rubbing my stomach.

  He finally holds my face out to study me. “You okay?” he asks.

  “I am now.”

  “I kicked myself the minute you walked out that door,” he tells me. “I let you talk me into staying and I shouldn’t have.”

  “Maybe I needed to face all this on my own.”

  “No, you’ve done enough of that. You never need to do that again.”

  I pull him to me and kiss him hard.

  “Now, go get ready,” I say. “We gotta go.”

  I pat his behind as he walks away.

  ****

  We walk in as a fierce unit. Dad, Papa, Ruby, Sadie, Isaiah, Gracie and me. My family. We stand by the casket together, as people come and pay their respects. Rumor got out a long time ago that Isaiah and I were married, but the residents of Tulma still seem a little taken aback that we’re all here together. Not even Isaiah knows this, but Daddy has set up guards all around the building, just in case any of Les’s or Leroy’s family comes to give us any trouble. He also didn’t want any of the Klan setting one foot through the door.

  Miss Sue smiles so big when she sees me. “Caroline Carson! Uh, I mean, Washington! How are you doin’?” She eyes my enormous belly and tries to give me a hug around it.

  “I’m really well. So good to see you, Miss Sue.”

  I hear her before I see her. Miss Greener comes up in a half-trot, church hat askew. She’s wiping tears and beaming at the same time. Miss Greener is one of the few people in Tulma that I wish I’d kept in touch with…

  “Look at you,” she says. “If I could tell you how many times I have thought of you over the years,” she shakes her head, “why, I am fuller than a tick! My heart aboundeth over!”

  I get tickled. I’m gonna have to remember that one for later.

  We talk for a long time and even later, we get more chances to visit. She’s still the same quirky, fun lady. She tells me right away that George died just a year ago.

  “He was the best dog…” she says sadly.

  The Owens’ family sent a beautiful bouquet with a sweet note, saying they wished they could’ve made it to the funeral. Clara Mae met a nice guy from North Carolina when she went off to college. When she got married, her parents moved out there too. I hear Thomas moved to Dallas and has done really well for himself in real estate.

  And then I see her—standing at the back of the funeral parlor—my mother. She clutches the arm of Mr. Anderson, who is balding and quite round, and makes her way to the front. My mouth drops when the people clear away and I can fully see her.

  She’s pregnant too.

  She averts her eyes when she sees me. When she lifts them back up, I can’t read them. She walks up the rest of the way and pays my dad her respects. She stands and looks at Grandpaw for a moment and puts a handkerchief up to her eyes. If feels like the whole room went quiet the minute she walked in.

  Then she squares her shoulders and walks up to me.

  “Caroline,” she says.

  “Mama,” I say.

  She looks down at Gracie, but barely for a second before her eyes reach mine again. She just stands there, studying me from head to toe.

  “Like what you see?” I ask.

  “Looks like you’ve certainly grown up,” she says. “And out,” she adds under her breath.

  “I should hope so,” I reply. “It’s certainly no thanks to you.”

  I’m holding Isaiah’s and Gracie’s hands so hard, I have to consciously loosen my grip.

  “You never needed me,” she says.

  “I know, you’ve said that before. I did need you, Mama, but I managed to be all right in spite of you.” I feel the blood boil in me and step forward, dragging Isaiah and Gracie forward with me. “Why don’t you just go ahead and bring that baby to me once you have it, since we all know you’re not capable of taking care of anyone but yourself.”

  Mr. Anderson shifts awkwardly next to her, but he doesn’t jump to her defense.

  She puts a hand up to her hair and her skin turns a mottled red.

  I guess that’s one way we’re alike.

  And that’s where the similarities end. I have no desire to know this woman. I take a step back, and Isaiah and Gracie stumble back with me.

  My mom takes a step back too, and then turns around and walks out the door. I never see her again. And that’s fine by me. I do pray for that baby of hers every day, though.

  ****

  I have never been so glad to see home and my bed in all my life. We pull in late the night after the funeral and Isaiah leads me straight to the bed. I’m trying so hard not to waddle in front of him, but I am spread out like a church picnic…way bigger than I was with Gracie.

  Isaiah takes my shoes off for me and I lean over to kiss him before I lie back.

  “We did it,” I say. “We faced that town and all those people.”

  “It wasn’t so bad, was it,” he says, “well, except…”

  “You know,” I interrupt, “it was even good to see her. I can know in my knower, as Nellie would say, that she is never gonna want to be my mother. There’s some closure in the knowing.”

  “Well, I’m glad then. Because I wanted nothing more than to carry her right off the premises as soon as I saw her come through that door.”

  I pat his cheek. “My savior.”

  “Your love.”

  I nod. “My love. Always.”

  ****

  Ivan Davis and Daniel Isaiah are born the very next afternoon. I feel all the same emotions of wanting to murder someone as I did while giving birth to Gracie, only now two reasons to feel that way. I guess it’s a good thing I have that ‘perfect birth canal’…

  We all dote on the boys; every minute they’re covered by someone’s attention. I think they’re relieved
to get in their beds at night, to have a little peace. Gracie is in heaven, having two babies to mother. They’re little spittin’ images of their daddy too. I just love looking at them all day long.

  When they’re about a month old, I set up a time for everyone to meet, get the boys dressed warm, and we all make our way to the barn.

  Isaiah and Papa bend down and together they pull up the slabs of wood that open to the secret tunnel. Ruby and Sadie hold hands. My dad is holding Daniel and Brenda is holding Ivan. Gracie takes my hand, and when Isaiah stands back up, she takes his too. We stand there and look down in the cavernous space that set so many people free.

  I look at those surrounding me, the ones who might not be my blood, but are every bit my family. There’s a variety of shades represented and the thought makes me happy, a new generation of color.

  I clear my throat and look each one of them in the eye. “Thanks for coming out here with us today. I wanted to do something special to commemorate this place and dedicate my family to this ground, the meaning behind what happened here…and to each of you. I found this scripture the other day,” I laugh and roll my eyes at Papa, “I know, I know, don’t be lookin’ for me on the pew Sunday—it’s just a scripture!” I tease. “Anyway, I found it in Isaiah.”

  I wink at my Isaiah.

  “It says: ‘When they cry out to the Lord because of their oppressors, he will send them a savior and defender, and he will rescue them.’ In one form or another, each of you have been that to me. To say I am so grateful sounds small, but know that I mean it times a hundred.”

  Papa grins his sweet crinkly grin and says, “Martin Luther King, Jr said: ‘Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.’ You’ve brought the light into our little world here, Caroline. Shown me what love and life is really all about…which is no small feat at my age.” His shoulders shake as he laughs.

  I move over to kiss his cheek. “Thank you, Papa. You’re the one who did that for me.”

  I look at Isaiah then and take his hand. “I’m embarrassed now when I think about how I did the cowardly thing and nearly gave up on something beautiful.” I motion to the dark cave. “I’d like to think that in some small way we’re a part of this powerful legacy that paved the way for us—a way for Gracie and our boys to know freedom.”