Bent not Broken

by Lisa De Jong

  I looked away, embarrassed by my wayward thoughts. “No. The one that makes me want to take you in the back and let you…”

  “How you doin’ this evening, Dive?” Angel’s voice bellowed through the speakers, drawing my attention. Blaine’s eyes stayed focused on me, waiting for me to finish voicing my fantasy.

  “This next performer is a repeat, and a damn good, musician. And ladies… he’s pretty fuckin’ hot, right?”

  Shrill catcalls and estrogen-fueled hoots answered Angel as a familiar face climbed onto the stage. I couldn’t say I knew him, but something about him piqued my interest enough to keep my eyes trained on the guitar-toting blonde.

  Then the memory hit me like a 2-ton boulder, stealing my breath and causing the prickle of new tears to sting my eyes. It was the same guy who had performed weeks ago, singing the song that had me running to the back before I burst into uncontrollable sobs. The song that had summoned the painful reminder of the man who had wounded me to my core. And when my tears had breached the dam, Blaine was right there, pulling me into his chest, wrapping his strong arms around me as I emptied 23 years worth of heartbreak and anger into his t-shirt.

  My eyes met Blaine’s, hoping he would understand and let me slip out before emotion drowned me. I couldn’t revisit that dark headspace. I couldn’t keep letting him see me broken and defeated.

  “Just wait, baby,” he said, his warm eyes devoid of alarm, despite my expression. “It’s not what you think. You’ll be ok.”

  He turned me back to face the stage, just as the guy situated himself behind the mic.

  “Good evening,” he said, his voice smooth and rich. “My name is Taylor Hart, and I have a special song, dedicated to a very special lady, from someone who is…” He smiled as he paused, scanning the crowd, “…fucking crazy about her.”

  He spotted Blaine and I stationed at the bar and nodded, a mischievous grin on his face. “This is “Your Guardian Angel,” originally by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Hope you enjoy.”

  My eyes instantly flicked up to Blaine whose appreciative gaze was enough to make my stomach start breakdancing to the beatbox of my thrumming heart. He stepped into me and pulled my hips into his unabashedly, a crooked smile gracing his lips. “I can’t sing worth a damn and like the saying goes, turn about is fair play.”

  Blaine’s inked fingers stroked the length of my jaw, and I reflexively nuzzled into the touch. “I don’t want you holding onto the memory of what happened last time. I know it’ll hurt you every time you hear him sing. So, let me help you create a new memory, ok?”

  As if on cue, Taylor began his song, capturing my attention with the haunting sounds of his guitar. His voice was as sweet and melodic as I remembered, but even more so now that they were laced with the tender words that Blaine had deliberately wanted me to hear. The words that had my eyes misting with happy tears, something I had never understood until that very moment.

  Blaine moved behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, giving me full view of the stage as Taylor belted out words steeped in promise, hope, and security.

  And love.

  There was pure, concentrated love in the lyrics that fell from Taylor’s lips. And though Blaine may not have been singing them, I heard them echoing loud and clear from his soul.

  “I will never let you fall…”

  The words could not have meant more than if Blaine had sung them himself. He didn’t need to. I felt it. I felt him. Every last bit of the scary-beautiful man that was Blaine Jacobs. The emotion behind every note and chord awoke things inside me that I never knew existed. Beauty bloomed inside my sheltered heart with each harmonious seed the music planted.

  Just as Taylor was finishing the second chorus, the girls of A.D. joined in with their own instruments, rocking him into the dramatic climax. The crowd cheered, pumping their fists in the air while Blaine slowly swayed me side to side, his face buried in my neck. Tears ran down my cheeks without shame, yet I was too captivated to bother wiping them away. I wore them like a badge of honor, wanting to hang onto the feeling of bliss for as long as possible.

  “That was… Wow,” I whispered, after the crowd had erupted into a standing ovation. I turned to Blaine with watery eyes and smiled. “Thank you. So much. Thank you.”

  Blaine wiped my wet cheeks, his warm brown eyes heating me from the inside out. “I’m glad you liked it. And I hope you realize that I mean it… I mean it, Kami. Don’t be afraid of me. I could never hurt you.”

  I believed him. Within my fractured, tattered soul, I knew it was ok to fall for Blaine. He would catch me; he always had. So I looked into those deep, chocolate eyes and surrendered the fear I carried around with me like a coat of armor, protecting the secrets that had been festering inside. I was afraid to love Blaine - dreadfully so. But I knew, undoubtedly, that he was the only one worth the risk.

  Chapter 25

  Blaine

  “Are we almost there?”

  I looked over at Kami seated in the passenger seat of my truck and shook my head, giving her bare knee a squeeze. “Patience, baby.”

  “Ugh, I don’t like surprises. The anticipation is killing me,” she whined, as she watched the trees zipping by. “I would have just let you blindfold me like you wanted to, if I wasn’t such a freak.”

  I gently pulled her face back towards me, giving her a quick, pointed glare before returning my eyes to the road. “Hey, you are not a freak. Don’t say shit like that about yourself.”

  Kami shrugged dismissively. “It’s true. Know any other grown-ass women that are afraid of the dark?”

  “No, I don’t. But that’s just a tiny part of you. A small, insignificant detail. It doesn’t define who you are.”

  “Now you sound like Dom.”

  “Well, then…if two totally normal, sound men see you for the amazing, beautiful woman that you are, then it must be true,” I smiled.

  “Hmph. Only one of you is actually normal…” she murmured under her breath.

  “Huh?”

  Kami shook her head before reaching for the knobs of the radio. “Nothing.”

  “You ok, babe?”

  Since I picked her up at her apartment, Kami had been noticeably preoccupied. A bit distant, and moody even. We had spent the entire weekend together, both at the bar and at my place, completely wrapped up in each other. But an imaginary switch had been flipped overnight; something was wrong.

  “Yeah,” she answered, but shook her head in contradiction. “I don’t know.”

  “Kam,” I said, pulling her hand out of the knot of her fingers in her lap. “You know you can talk to me. There’s nothing you can say that will make me feel differently about you. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Kami took a deep breath, steeling herself for the words she obviously didn’t want to say. “Um...I just didn’t sleep well last night. And then I woke up to an email. From… him.”

  “Him?”

  Kami swallowed, before barely whispering the words, “My father.”

  I nearly swerved off the road, narrowly missing a ditch just off the shoulder. “What? He’s contacted you?”

  “He’s still around. I moved; I changed all my email info. Hell, I’m not even on Facebook. But somehow, he always finds me.” Her hand grew hot and clammy, prompting me to squeeze it.

  “What the hell does he want from you? Shit, hasn’t he done enough?” I asked through a clenched jaw. Those weren’t the words I really wanted to use. If I had my way, I would have been busting a U-turn and hunting down that prick myself.

  “Money.”

  “Money? Why would he hit you up for money?”

  “Because…” she sighed with resignation. “I have his money.”

  My head snapped to her solemn expression before I forced myself to look back at the asphalt stretched out in front of us.

  Kami pulled her hand away, and her fingers deftly began to work over an old receipt from my cup holder. “About five or six years ago, my paternal grandmoth
er died in an accident involving a bus. Since it was the city’s fault, her family was left a hefty settlement. Being the eldest, and her administrator, most of the money went to my father. But, since he owed so much money in back child support, the state went after him and seized the funds, giving them to my mother.”

  “As they should have,” I added. I gripped the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white. If there was one thing that made me shake with anger, it was a deadbeat dad. I had never known mine, but considering what Kami was still going through with hers, I was relieved I never had the displeasure of knowing the spineless sonofabitch.

  “My mom moved back to the Philippines with her family, as soon as I graduated high school. She didn’t even care where I ended up. Hell, she didn’t even ask what my plans for college were. She just gave me the money and left.”

  I shook my head, feeling helpless. I wanted to erase all the bad that had ever happened to her. I wanted to give Kami the life she deserved. I wanted to love all the hurt away.

  “Kam…baby…” was all I could coherently form.

  “It’s ok. I’m over it.” She continued mindlessly folding, her glazed-over eyes hardly looking at the paper.

  “So…he wants it back?”

  “Yeah,” she nodded. “And I would give it to him if it meant he would be out of my life for good. Dom said that wouldn’t work. He’ll just keep coming back. It’s not really the money he wants; it’s the control. He knows that I still fear him, and once he knows where I am, he’ll never leave me alone. He’ll just keep tormenting me.”

  I contemplated her words before nodding my agreement. “He’s right. Shit, Kam, he’s right. You need to get the police involved.”

  “They already know. He’s violated every restraining order, but no one can pinpoint his whereabouts.” Kami sat the tiny paper heart on the dash before looking to me with misted green eyes. “There’s not much I can do, Blaine. Other than leave.”

  “No,” I was growling before I could stop myself. “No. You’re not going anywhere. Fuck him, Kam. He doesn’t control you.”

  “But he does!” she shrieked. “He absolutely does. Do you know how small and disgusting I felt when I read the words in that email? Him calling me a whore? A slut? A stupid little thieving bitch? I wanted to run away, Blaine. I wanted to hide and never be found.”

  “Babe…” I responded, my tone softer. “That’s a natural response. He hurt you deeply, and he’s still finding ways to hurt you. You can’t let him. You’re here…with me. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  “He found me in Atlanta,” she deadpanned.

  “What?”

  “He found me. It started with emails. Then text messages and phone calls. Then he sent a letter to my address. My address, Blaine! He found me! That’s why Dom and I moved here.”

  I ran a free hand over my face and cursed under my breath. “Shit, Kam, I…”

  “Blaine, I failed my last semester of college two months from graduation. I was too afraid to go to class. I moved in with Dom and never left. For fucking months, I hid in my bedroom, too terrified to even walk outside.”

  I fought the urge to punch a hole through my own windshield. “I’m so sorry, Kam. Fuck! I am so fucking sorry.”

  Her small, delicate hand grasped the taut tendons in my forearm, squeezing away the rage coursing through my veins. “Hey…don’t be. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry for ruining the mood. I feel like such a jackass. You had something planned, and here I am being Debbie Downer again with all my bullshit.”

  Glass and steel enclosed the heat of our combined tension as I sucked in a breath through clenched teeth. Beyond being pissed, I hurt for her. This girl had lived through so much, yet here she was, trying to soothe me. I wanted to pull over on the damn freeway, pull her into my lap, and kiss her senseless. Kiss away the anger, kiss away the pain. Kiss every part of her that that bastard had ever touched.

  “Can we just drop it?” she asked in a small voice, prompting me to cover her hand with mine. “I don’t want to ruin this day. I know you planned something special, and I just want to enjoy it.”

  I brushed her knuckles with my lips before nodding. “Yeah, babe, that sounds good. Because we’re here.”

  The moment I pulled into the gravel pathway, Kami’s eyes grew twice in size and her jaw dropped. Although my attention was on maneuvering through the tall trees on either side of us, I could feel her confused glare burning into the side of my head.

  “Here? Why would you bring me back here?” she shrieked.

  I pulled into a parking space facing Lake Norman and killed the engine before turning to her, ready for the onslaught. “Because I don’t want your last memory of this place to be a negative one.”

  She cringed as if being here physically pained her, making me feel like a total ass for thinking this was a good idea. Having Taylor perform for her had proven to be a great idea, so I assumed that theory would work here as well. Well, you know what they say when you assume…

  “Just try, ok? If you don’t want to go in, we won’t. But at least let me try to make this better for you.”

  She narrowed her eyes, the small space between her brows crinkling with question. “Why?”

  “Why?”

  “Yeah. Why do you want to make things better for me?”

  Releasing her from her seatbelt, I pulled Kami’s body close to mine. “Because you deserve it. Because there is nothing on Earth more beautiful than seeing you smile.”

  And because I love you.

  Whoa. What?

  As if hearing my internal confession, Kami’s lips spread into a knowing smile before connecting with mine for a swift kiss. “Ok, Blaine Jacobs. I’m all yours.”

  Thirty minutes later, we had devoured the lunch I had packed and were laying side by side on a blanket, watching a group of kids splashing around a few yards away. Kami looked at them intently, small smiles twitching her lips and silent chuckles shaking her shoulders. I couldn’t help but be taken by her fascination.

  “You want kids?” I heard myself ask before good manners stopped me.

  Kami shrugged without taking her eyes off the children. “Would be nice, but I more than likely won’t.”

  “Why not?”

  She shuffled her bare feet against the sand and dropped her gaze. “Having children isn’t really ideal for someone like me.”

  “Someone like you?”

  Kami sighed heavily. “In my condition. My… sickness. My fears.” She turned so I could glimpse the severity in her expression. “We are all products of our pasts, Blaine. My father was a disgusting prick because his father was. Who’s to say that I won’t turn out just as bad? And I don’t know how to be a mother. My own mom was too broken to be one. I know she loved me, I truly do. But I can’t remember her telling me. And because of that, I can’t picture saying those words. Ever.”

  I tried to digest the bitter pill of her words without letting it show on my face. But I had never been good at masking my emotions, especially when it came to Kami.

  “Kinda fucked up, huh?” she smiled, though I could feel the painful undertone in her words.

  “Well…yeah. But you’re not fucked up. Not at all.”

  She shrugged, then looked back at the boisterous children. “What about you? Kids?”

  I looked away before I grimaced as the memory of Amanda’s swollen belly came barging into the forefront of my mind. A belly that was swollen with another man’s child.

  Though she admitted to being unfaithful, it wasn’t until months after the discovery of her pregnancy. She led me on to believe that I was about to be a father, filling me with pride only to steal it with the ugly truth. I hated her, and for a while, I hated the thought of fatherhood.

  But that was then. Now… now I had a reason to want that feeling back.

  “Yeah, one day. A whole basketball team of ‘em.”

  “Oh God!” she laughed. “Little tattooed, pierced baby Blaines, wreaking havoc on the poor ci
tizens of Charlotte!”

  Her smile was infectious, wiping away the foul taste of painful memories. All I could see was Kami. She made everything better. She made me want to be better.

  “Living up to the stereotype again? Southern guy with a pick up truck full of wild kids?” I asked, nudging her with my arm.

  “Oh, God, yes! I wouldn’t be surprised if you already had their names picked out. Let me guess: Cash, Cage, Gage…”

  “Nah. I don’t. But you’re right about one thing.”

  Kami turned to me and narrowed her eyes with question, but didn’t say a word.

  “We are products of our pasts.”

  Kami inched closer. “Elaborate.”

  I nodded, diverting my eyes to the blue, cloudless sky. “After my mom passed, I was out of control. It was hard enough to be 13 with raging hormones and the bullshit of peer pressure. Losing her sent me into a really dark place. I was angry all the time. I didn’t listen to anyone, I didn’t care about anything. The fights, the mood swings… no one knew how to reach me. So, they ran some tests to see if I could be suffering from the same thing that killed my mom. To see if I had schizophrenia too.”

  A beat passed before Kami released a slow breath. “And?”

  I turned and smiled before pressing her to my side. “Only crazy as hell over you.”

  Her body relaxed in my arms, giving me the opportunity to pin her body with mine. My tongue darted out and sampled her bottom lip, tasting her strawberry lipgloss and the delectable flavor that was uniquely Kami. I couldn’t help myself. I needed all of her. I was addicted to this woman, and I needed a fix badly.

  “Ummm, I think we have an audience,” she murmured against my lips.

  I turned my head to spy the group of kids snickering at us and pointing. I smiled and winked at them before planting a quick peck on Kami’s lips and sitting up. The girls giggled and blushed while the boys made gagging gestures.

  “Ready to change?” I asked, swiping the light sheen of sweat on my brow. It was warm out, and feeling Kami’s body under mine had taken the temperature up a few notches.