Alaska Secrets

by Sarah Varland

  She hated living with this constant awareness that she’d made a costly mistake. All she wanted was to rewind time. Why couldn’t she? Why didn’t it work that way?

  God, please help. She squeezed her eyes tighter but sleep still refused to come. God, can you help me fall asleep?

  Nothing was like it was supposed to be. Even this investigation wasn’t going the way she’d thought it would. In her head she’d thought...well, maybe that things would go well, they’d learn who had killed Liz and they’d somehow find their footing as friends, she and Seth. She had certainly never thought it would feel like this, like having her heart pulled out of her chest, stomped on and then shoved back in.

  And with the very real concern that they might do this undercover investigation, see it through and still not know who had killed Liz.

  And possibly end up dead themselves.

  Ellie threw back the covers and slid into her slippers. Between those, her black yoga pants and a hoodie, she was dressed for comfort, but it still wasn’t helping. Her mind was a tortured tangle of what ifs and might have beens. It was one of those times she knew in her head that God and her faith would be enough to see her through, but she struggled in her heart to feel like it was true. How much did feelings play into her relationship with God?

  She wasn’t sure. Liz had been far more knowledgeable about such things. Liz had grown up in church. Ellie hadn’t even attended until she’d been living on her own as an adult and Liz had invited her. At church she’d learned that a God she’d always believed in but felt was distant actually cared about her, specifically. It had been obvious to Ellie that if God was willing to love her like that, she would be foolish not to love Him back and do her best to follow Him.

  But she’d still been learning what all that meant when her friend had died. The last few years...she’d prayed and tried to read her Bible. She’d even tried to go to church once or twice, but it had reminded her so much of the few times she’d gone with Liz that she’d never gotten up the courage to go inside.

  Most of the time she just felt alone.

  And sometimes, late at night or out in the dark, she felt scared.

  Even though she knew God cared.

  Should she feel that way?

  She padded down the hallway softly, careful to step lightly in the spots where she’d heard it creak earlier. When she reached the living room, she reached for a lamp and clicked it on.

  Her phone rang. Ellie jumped. It was Seth’s number.

  “Hello? You okay out there?” He was sleeping in the yard in a tent, true to his word.

  “I’m fine, it’s you I’m worried about. I saw the light come on. Can’t sleep?”

  His voice was deep and caring, full of concern and it made her want to be honest with him about her questions about faith. He’d grown up in church like Liz. Maybe he’d have some of the answers she sought.

  “I’m just thinking. Seth, does God really listen when we pray? And does he really want to know about all the little problems we have?”

  She heard a noise than sounded like his sleeping bag shifting. “Mind if I come inside for this conversation?”

  “Sure. That’s fine.” They hung up.

  The door creaked open a few minutes later. “Hey.”

  She jumped at the sound of Seth’s voice and immediately felt her cheeks heat. Did he know how hard she had to work not to betray every emotion when he was around? How could the sound of his voice affect her so much?

  “Seth.” Her voice escaped her mouth with more tenderness than she’d have preferred. Ellie cleared her throat. “Um, thanks for, you know, coming to talk. And answer my questions.” She never fumbled for words this way, never seemed any less than put together, and they both knew it. If Seth wasn’t aware already of her feelings for him, he would be soon if she didn’t get a grip.

  “So you’re wondering about prayer?” He got right to the point. Ellie nodded, her shoulders sagging a little. She didn’t like to be vulnerable and definitely didn’t like to admit she didn’t have all the answers.

  “Hand me that Bible?” he asked, motioning to the side table beside where she sat. She hadn’t noticed it there. She gave it to him, listening to the sound of the thin pages brushing past each other as he turned them.

  “‘Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus,’” he read aloud. “It’s Philippians 4:6-7. God says to take everything to Him for prayer. Anything that makes you anxious you should turn into a prayer to Him.”

  “So big stuff or little stuff? All of it?”

  Seth nodded. “All of it.” He sighed. Let out a breath. “I’m glad you asked. I’d forgotten that lately. Faith has always been so important to me, but since Liz died...I had some hard questions I didn’t feel like I got answered. It hasn’t been quite the same.”

  “Do you have answers to your questions now?”

  He shook his head. “No. But I have more peace about not getting answers. Like that verse says, God’s peace comes when we pray about things. I’m working on trying to do that instead of worry.”

  Ellie nodded, then shivered. She rubbed her arms and curled into herself, shoulders folding forward in an effort to keep warm.

  “Cold?”

  “A little.”

  She smiled her thanks when he handed her a throw.

  “One of Liz’s,” he said even as she’d recognized the quilt as one her friend had made. Liz had been good at crafty things like that, not like Ellie, who suspected she didn’t have one creative bone in her body. At least, not one that didn’t relate to solving cases or puzzles or finding missing people. Those things, she was good at. The quilt settled over her, at the same time familiar and comforting and like a heavy weight she’d never be able to shake. Would solving the case, figuring out who had killed Liz, bring her some peace, even though it would never bring Liz back?

  She didn’t know. Maybe that was the worst of it right now, the nagging ache that kept her awake tonight. She didn’t know how any of this was going to turn out. If she could just have some reassurance that the sleeplessness, the heartbreak of being around Seth, that all of it was really going to turn out to be for her own good, that would help.

  “You okay?” His voice was soft. Reassuring.

  She looked up and met his eyes. He’d always been one of the kindest people she’d ever known, and that hadn’t changed, even after the way she’d left him without explanation. He cared about others to a fault, and to see the caring turned on her right now...

  It mattered so much that it hurt.

  “I don’t know anymore. Haven’t in a few years, I guess.”

  Honesty slipped out in the darkness, in the late hour. What could it hurt if he knew she was miserable? That wasn’t a big secret.

  Really, there were no secrets between them. No, this was less about keeping secrets and more about keeping a distance.

  He reached for her hand.

  She swallowed hard and let him take it.

  “I’m sorry, El, about earlier. You’ve been clear that you want us to be...” He paused and she looked at him. Met his eyes. “Friends?” His voice rose, half question, half statement.

  She nodded.

  “I want to respect that.”

  She could feel the current between them, the chemistry that had existed as far back as she could remember.

  “Thank you.”

  “Can we do this, work together?”

  She nodded. She would do whatever it took, face any kind of heartache day after aching day, if it would bring them both some level of closure and keep them safe. “We can.”

  He squeezed her hand and let it go. That gesture felt so final she closed her eyes for a half a s
econd, let herself absorb the impact of the loss.

  Knowing it was right, that he deserved better, that she could never be honest with him about the guilt she felt; none of that helped right now. He was a gentleman. And Ellie knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wouldn’t try to start anything between them again. He was too respectful for that.

  Ellie let out a breath, decided they may as well talk about the case, since neither of them could sleep.

  “Want to talk through some of what we know?” she asked.

  Seth nodded. “Sure. What’s on your mind about the case?”

  “Well, you know how I told you we should make a list of people who the police looked at back then, all of that?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Basically, that concept. I looked again at what Liz sent us.”

  “I was thinking of doing that later today.” Seth smiled at her.

  “She was convinced it was someone in that shopping center but didn’t know for sure if it was Raven Pass Expeditions. So earlier I started working on making a list of all the people who worked in that area in one of those stores three years ago.” Ellie reached for a notebook she’d set down on the floor earlier.

  “How on earth could you do that?” Seth sounded impressed.

  Ellie shrugged. “It’s not comprehensive. I don’t have all the entry-level employees for any of the places yet, but I am at least working on who was working in management in each place.”

  “Very impressive.” Seth nodded.

  “That’s where I get stuck.” Ellie blew out a breath. She knew she was good at conducting investigations. But she hadn’t counted on how much more difficult it would be without police resources and a fellow officer as a partner.

  “What would you do?” she asked him.

  “I...” She trailed off. “I would start looking for connections with either Liz or her boyfriend at the time.”

  “Back to Aaron, huh?” They’d dismissed looking into him more earlier on when it became clear neither of them knew much about him, but that was another thread they could tug to investigate. Maybe it would help. Ellie wanted to believe it could.

  And for a moment she felt hope sneak in, underneath the weight of darkness. Just a glimmer of it. But enough to make her think they might figure this out eventually after all.

  ELEVEN

  “So what have you found? Who’s in charge of what places? Show me.” Seth angled closer to Ellie, noting that she didn’t shift away, but let them stay close.

  “Well, the businesses in that shopping center are mostly the same but with some variation. There’s Raven Pass Expeditions, next door to The Sandwich Shop.”

  “That’s its name?” He laughed. “So much for creativity.”

  “Right?” She shook her head. “Beside The Sandwich Shop right now there’s a small games store, Puzzle Craft.”

  “Like video games or board games?”

  “Both, from what I could tell on their website.”

  “Huh. Interesting.”

  “But I don’t think that store was there three years ago. I think three years ago it was a bakery, Sweet Savannah’s. And the last in the lot is vacant right now. I’m having trouble figuring out what it was three years ago, too, since no one seems to remember. There’s a lot of turnover, apparently.”

  “Interesting.” He frowned a little. “So you think maybe that’s the location where drug smugglers are working out of?”

  “That’s one obvious choice isn’t it? But I don’t know. I’m not sure. The information we found initially seemed to specifically implicate Raven Pass Expeditions.”

  “Let me see the names, and let’s split them up and start researching...if you want to?”

  “We should probably go back to sleep.” She didn’t want Seth to stay awake on her account. If he was actually able to get some sleep, he should.

  “I can’t sleep, so I can do these while you get some shut-eye if you want.” Seth shrugged.

  “Nah, I can’t, either. I just didn’t want to keep you awake.”

  “Let’s split the names up.”

  They did so, and he started searching online. The first name he typed in was Brandt Bowker. The CEO from RPE.

  And there was something interesting already. Surely it couldn’t be that easy that he’d find a link at first try.

  “Um, El...” He trailed off and held up his phone, showing her the captioned picture he’d found in an old newspaper article.

  She read it out loud. “Brandt Bowker stands with sister, Robin Richards, at a charity event...” She frowned. “Richards... Aaron Richards? Liz’s boyfriend, that was his name. Right? Is there a connection?”

  He pulled up the second window he’d found, showed that to her, as well.

  “So Bowker is Aaron’s uncle. And runs Raven Pass Expeditions.”

  It did seem too easy.

  But sometimes maybe life was like that?

  “Let’s keep looking.” He pushed, just in case.

  Nothing came up. Not a single suspicious, eye-catching thing about any other employee in that shopping center. The closest they got was to note a parking ticket Savannah from the bakery had gotten once, plus a reckless-driving charge for the owner of The Sandwich Shop. Neither had a record besides that.

  “What if Aaron comes on this trip?” Ellie’s face had sobered. “If he sees us...”

  “He only met me that one time. I don’t think he’d recognize me.”

  “He saw me a couple of times when he came to pick her up from our apartment.”

  “And you look different enough from then that even I didn’t recognize you right away.” He hesitated. Could he ask the next question, or would she shut him down? It felt like they were doing a delicate kind of dance, two steps forward, one back.

  It was worth the risk, he decided. “Why did you change your appearance so much after leaving?”

  She exhaled and seemed to be considering her answer—her eyes were focused on something on the wall, but it didn’t look like that had her attention. Her gaze looked more like an aimless stare.

  “I was afraid.”

  Not what he would have guessed. If someone had asked him tonight, right now, if Ellie had ever been afraid of anything, he probably would have said no. Sure, he knew she was human and had frailties because of that. But fear wasn’t something he could imagine her struggling with.

  “Of what?” he asked, feeling even more like he was stepping forward on just-frozen ice, waiting to see if he broke through.

  “Everything.” Her voice was little more than a whisper in the dark. “I was afraid of what had just happened. It was a worst nightmare come true, one I hadn’t even known I had until it happened. And then for you. Your life. My life. That I’d let people down again.”

  “Let people down?”

  She stood up. “I was just afraid. It’s not a feeling I like, but if you’ve ever wrestled with fear before, you know it’s a beast and a liar and will take over your life if you’ll let it. I think I am sleepy, though. Maybe we can talk more tomorrow?”

  The last line was more shutdown than invitation, but he nodded anyway and stood. “Sure. Tomorrow. I think I’m sleepy, too.” He wasn’t, but it was wishful thinking. And a desire to make her feel less awkward about whatever admission had chased her away.

  Was she this upset she’d admitted to being afraid? He didn’t think of Ellie as a prideful person, but she did appreciate being seen as tough and capable.

  He watched her walk back down the darkened hallway and then decided to sit down again. He could sleep just as well in this chair, and he’d be closer to her room in case anything happened. Across the house, he felt too far away in case of an emergency.

  What had she said just before she stood up? That she’d been afraid she’d let people down again?

  But who had she let down? H
im, by leaving town and abruptly ending their relationship? No matter how much he tried to stretch that idea to make it fit, it just didn’t.

  Ellie was hiding something, he was starting to see. Not just from him. Not even just from the past. But almost hiding from herself?

  That didn’t make any sense. She had nothing to hide.

  Seth let out a breath, the deep exhalation not bringing any real relaxation with it. Ellie was closer than she’d been in years but still further away. Someone wanted them both dead.

  And tomorrow they were going to start an expedition that could go wrong so quickly.

  At least he’d done enough research on the website to be fairly certain that Aaron Richards’s uncle wouldn’t be joining the excursion. The company had several staff members listed, so he assumed one or two would be joining them on the trip.

  They’d see tomorrow.

  And they’d start looking into Raven Pass Expeditions...and try not to draw the attention of a desperate killer.

  * * *

  Throughout the next morning, Ellie managed to keep herself on an even keel, despite the fact that she’d gotten very little sleep after returning to her room. She’d almost told Seth everything, in the accidental vulnerability that nighttime conversations bring. Keeping the secret inside her a little more every day, she never wanted him to look at her with pity or disgust—or if he took it even further than she had and literally blamed her for the death of his sister.

  Ellie had run out of that room as quickly as she could. And she’d spent most of today eagerly packing what they’d need for the trip and then spending time with all of the dogs she’d be taking. Her premise was that the better she knew them, the more she’d seem like a legitimate musher.

  But she wasn’t sure Seth didn’t see through that excuse for what it was—a reason to stay away from him.

  By the time they were in his truck heading toward RPE, she was exhausted from all the avoidance. Well, at least there would be no more of that. They’d be in physical proximity for the next few days out of necessity, but who knew if they’d get time to talk? Much as she’d been avoiding that very thing today, she did hope they’d be able to chat to each other a little. It would be useful for sorting out what they discovered on this trip.