Submission Impossible

by Lexi Blake

  She was stripped down and should feel more vulnerable than ever, and yet something had calmed inside her. It was the fact that she knew she didn’t have to think about anything but her body for the next few hours. She would get rest. Hutch would spank her and she would cry, and then she would sleep and figure it all out in the morning.

  Yes, that was why her hands weren’t shaking anymore. She was going to get sex and she would feel better.

  Hutch was back, standing in front of her and holding something in his hands. He held up small clamps and her breath hitched. They were tweezer clamps meant for her nipples.

  “You seem to require a big bite of pain tonight. Do you remember your safe word?” His voice had gone deeper than before, his eyes losing their softness. Hutch had found his top space, and she realized that perhaps he needed this as much as she did.

  If she worked on the assumption that Hutch cared about her—maybe even loved her—then today had been hard on him, too.

  “Yes.” She didn’t want to think about him as anything but the man giving her what she needed. It wasn’t good or kind of her, but she wanted to be selfish for once.

  “Then we should begin. Hands behind your back. Present your breasts to me.”

  She reached her hands around and threaded them together. The hold made her breasts thrust out, nipples puckering. Hutch palmed a breast and then took the nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

  “Have you played around with clamps before?” Hutch asked, his whole focus on her.

  No one in the world could ever make her feel like she was the center of the universe the way this man could. When he focused on her, she knew she was all he was thinking about.

  Had he truly been thinking about her today? Had his only thought been to protect her?

  “No. I’ve only ever played with a vibrator, and then only with myself.”

  He slid the clamp over her nipple and gently tightened the small screw. “Then it’s good I picked a beginner clamp. I would love to see you in clamps with weights, ones that bite into your nipples and turn them a ruby red. But these will do for now.”

  The clamp bit gently into her and made her deeply aware of her breasts. She took a deep breath as he worked on the other breast. A silky heat flashed over her skin, making the world seem softer than it had been moments before.

  She could survive this. She could make it through the night without breaking down. If she didn’t break, then she might wake up harder and stronger than she’d been before.

  She might be strong enough to walk away from him.

  Because you were stupid, and you don’t deserve him. Because you’ll drag him down the way you do everything. You can only keep it up for so long.

  She gasped as she felt tears pulse. Was she punishing herself? She hadn’t had thoughts like that since after the accident. Or maybe it had been before. She’d always wondered if she was the reason her parents hadn’t worked. It was a child’s question, and she knew the answer, but that insecurity had found another place to go.

  “Give in, Noelle.” Hutch’s voice had gone soft again. “Give in and let me hold you.”

  She couldn’t do that. He’d lied to her.

  Had he? He’d told her he needed to be in that building, needed to get on the computers and see if he could find out what was happening.

  He’d left her alone.

  He’d saved her research because if he’d been taken into custody, they could have lost it.

  She was the reason she couldn’t use it again. She’d done that. Not Hutch. She’d signed that contract when she’d known deep down it could hurt her. She’d signed it because she wanted so badly to start her career, wanted to jump over all those hoops instead of going through them.

  “Fuck you, Hutch.”

  She couldn’t. She couldn’t do this with him. Except she was asking him to not leave her alone. It wasn’t fair or right or even rational, but she wasn’t ready to give in. This was the only way she could process what had happened today.

  Her world had fallen apart and she kept trying to blame someone else, but it was her fucking fault.

  If Hutch hadn’t been there, things would have still gone down the way they had. She’d put herself on this path.

  How did she tell everyone how far she’d fallen?

  “Stop it.” Hutch barked the words her way and then she was being led to the spanking bench. “Place yourself on that bench because it is obvious to me that nothing else is going to do. Be careful with the clamps. If they fall off, I’ll know to make them tighter next time.”

  He held a hand out to help ease her down. Noelle felt the cool leather of the padded bench. It was built to support her chest but let her breasts dangle from either side, and she could feel the clamps dragging on her nipples, gravity playing its part to make the sensation sizzle. The middle bench cradled the length of her torso, ending at her pelvis and leaving her ass and pussy fully open to Hutch. Leaving her vulnerable.

  Her hands found the cushioned arms of the bench, and her knees and legs were comfortable, too. It wasn’t a hard position to be in, and she wondered if they should find something that would hurt more.

  Then she wasn’t worried about getting enough pain.

  Hutch smacked her ass, and not a warm-up slap. He slapped her cheeks in a way that made her grit her teeth and bite back a moan.

  “Is that what you want?” Hutch asked the question in a tortured growl. “Do you need me to punish you physically to go with all those mental gymnastics you’re going through right now?”

  How could he see through her? His questions made her feel far more vulnerable than being nearly naked and laid out for him.

  She let her hands tighten around the bench she held onto as Hutch smacked her again. Somehow the spanking reminded her that she wasn’t weak. She was strong. Her body would hold.

  Was she still punishing herself for that, too? For the accident she’d had no control over?

  Her body was strong. Even when it ached and needed support. It was strong enough to do what she needed it to do, and she’d learned that sometimes what she needed wasn’t what others did.

  Other people made mistakes. Did that mean they didn’t deserve forgiveness?

  Didn’t she deserve it?

  He slapped her ass until she could feel tears dripping from her eyes and the ice starting to really crack. The physical sensations of pain and arousal was starting to break through her reserve.

  “You can be angry with me. You can hate me, Noelle, but this was not your fault.”

  “I can’t…” She started to speak but it was hard to breathe between the emotion welling inside her and her body pulsing with feeling. She was starting to lose control.

  “You can. You can put it all on me. I lied to you. She lied to you. She promised you the world and never meant a word of it,” Hutch said gravely. “I promised I would take care of you and I didn’t.”

  But he had. He was trying so hard even now.

  He was giving himself up to save her from the pain of knowing she’d made this mistake.

  Her body ached, but nothing like her soul did. “I can’t…”

  “You can,” he insisted. “You can do anything, Noelle. Anything. This will not break you. I won’t break you.”

  But he did. He broke her in the best way. Noelle let that wall finally come down, the one that kept her safe from all this emotion, the one that kept her away from him. Her wall came down because he was safety and love and risk, and that was okay. He was the one she could risk all the heartache on, the one she could share her pain with, the one who would never leave her alone.

  He hadn’t truly left her alone today. When he’d let her be arrested, he’d still been choosing her. The truth hit her squarely. He’d chosen her future over momentary discomfort. He’d believed she was strong enough to handle herself, and he’d made the call he’d been trained to make.

  “I can’t hate you.” She finally got the words she needed to say out. “I can never hate you. I l
ove you.”

  The wall came totally down and she sobbed. The events of the day—of the last several years—poured out of her. She’d made a terrible mistake, but she wasn’t alone. She had a family who would forgive her, who wouldn’t even think twice. They would open their arms and welcome her.

  Hutch picked her up and carried her to the bed, and when she looked into his gorgeous eyes, they were shining with tears because he wouldn’t hold back from her. He was strong enough to break, too. He’d put himself back together again and again.

  “I love you, too,” he said. “God, I love you so much.”

  She held on to him as the storm flowed through her. She’d tried to hold it back, but now she realized how much she needed this. How much had she held back because she’d had to prove to everyone that she was strong? She might not have cried like this since that first time her stepmom had pushed her until she’d believed she might walk again.

  She could rebuild her wall and hide behind all the reasons she couldn’t trust this feeling—they hadn’t known each other long enough, their relationship was forged under pressure—or she could let her heart take over and accept that this man was everything she’d longed for.

  She cried, letting the pain go. She’d been stupid, but she’d had the best of intentions. He should have told her what he was going to do, but he’d had the best of intentions.

  She could let go of the pain, but she didn’t have to let go of him.

  “Baby, I have to get these off you.” He smoothed back her hair and kissed her forehead.

  She’d almost forgotten about the clamps. She sniffled and wiped at her eyes. She probably looked terrible, but Hutch was staring at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the world.

  Any tragedy was survivable if the right person was holding her hand.

  “They don’t hurt.”

  He winced. “Probably because you’re numbed out, and you’re about to not be.”

  He eased the first clamp off and the blood flooded back into her nipple, making her bite back a scream. Hutch was immediately on top of her, his lips and tongue on the abused flesh, soothing it.

  The pain had been momentary, but arousal started to flood through her. Between the ache in her ass and the sensation of having her nipples tortured and then loved, all she could think about was having his hands on her.

  She could make it through the night if his hands stroked her.

  She could make it through life if his hand held hers.

  He dealt with the other nipple and then started to kiss his way down her body.

  He’d given her a safe place to cry, and now he seemed determined to lavish her body with the affection she needed to connect to him. He ripped the thin material of her underwear and exposed her pussy. She didn’t need a command to spread her thighs wide and offer herself up to him.

  He took her up on the invitation, covering her pussy with his mouth and immediately spearing her with his tongue. He licked and sucked and fucked her pussy with ruthless precision, every touch pushing her toward the edge.

  Her whole body tightened as the orgasm swept over her, making her shake with pleasure and something more—emotion poured through her. Love and affection and relief.

  She wasn’t sure what would happen next, but she would face it with him.

  “Hutch, please,” she whispered as he continued to lave her pussy. “I need you inside me.”

  He kissed her again and then moved up her body, covering her.

  She placed her hands on his shoulders and knew this was forever.

  * * * *

  Hutch stared down at her for a moment, knowing what he wanted but still unsure. She’d had such a rough night and they hadn’t talked yet. Still, what had begun as a desperate play to break her out of the spiral she’d been in had turned into the best night of his life. “I know I said I wouldn’t take anything for myself, but you said it. You said you love me, and I won’t let you take it back.”

  Her eyes were still red from crying, but there was the sweetest smile on her face. “I love you. I was wrong to deny it and I’m sorry I took it…”

  He didn’t need an apology. He knew damn well sometimes the pain was so great a person lashed out at the one they shouldn’t. It was human nature, and she hadn’t exactly tortured him for long. She’d been dealt a horrible blow, and he’d made it worse for her. “I’m here when you need me. For anything.”

  “Then kiss me and tire me out so I can sleep, and we’ll face everything in the morning. Together.”

  There was a light in her eyes he’d worried had died. He was going to make this right for her. But first he was going to give her what she needed. What he needed.

  He kissed her, well aware that her arousal was still on his lips and coating his tongue. He gave it all back to her because she should know that she was the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted. She should know that he would crave her for the rest of his life.

  He kissed her until his cock couldn’t last a second longer. Then he worked his jeans and boxers off. He didn’t have a problem finding a condom. Not at Sanctum.

  Someday in the future he wouldn’t wear one at all. Someday he and the glorious woman underneath him would have nothing between them and they would make babies. They would start a family—the kind he hadn’t had. Their babies would be smart and beautiful.

  Just like their mom.

  Everything he’d been through, it had been worth it to be here with her. “I love you.”

  He kissed her again as he brought them together. He sank his cock deep, surrounded by her heat. She wrapped her legs around him, winding her arms around his neck and enveloping his whole body.

  This was what he needed every day for the rest of his life. He needed to surround himself with her.

  “You feel so good,” he whispered against her lips as he thrust in and dragged out.

  Her nails bit into his back as she gasped and said his name.

  Then he let himself go, let himself pound inside her, giving her everything he had until the wave crashed through him. He was suffused with pleasure and then warmth and peace as he sank down beside her, staying close for a moment.

  He let his head find her breast and he listened to her heartbeat. “I was so worried.”

  Her hand smoothed his hair back. “I’m still worried. We have a lot to face tomorrow.”

  They did. “Cara will let us know if they have enough to move on Jessica in the morning. Have I told you how gorgeous and smart my girlfriend is? How I wake up every day and I’m happy to be with her?”

  She groaned, but her hand kept stroking his hair. “You’re impossible to stay mad at. But seriously, Hutch. I’m sorry. I was mad at myself. I’ve worked hard and it’s all gone to hell, and I took it out on you.”

  “I should have told you what I was doing. You would have known why I didn’t join you.” He whispered the words against her breast. “You were perfect. You gave them nothing, and I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d turned me in.”

  “I didn’t even truly consider it,” she admitted. “Even when I was confused and angry, I couldn’t give you up. I’m surprised Kyle punched you, though. He was the one who yelled at me that you would come for us. He told me not to talk because our friend would get us out.”

  “He did?” He’d been surprised that Kyle had stayed on the job. And yet, if watching McKay-Taggart was Kyle’s secret job, he would do anything to stay on. “Baby, I need you to be careful around Kyle.”

  He wasn’t holding anything back. Not ever again.

  “Why? Because he was mouthy with the cops? He was, you know. Totally mouthy. I kind of thought he was doing it so the attention was on him and not me,” she said quietly. “I think he was trying to look out for me.”

  It would have been better for Kyle to lay low, but he hadn’t. Still. “I’m supposed to watch Kyle and let our boss know if I think he’s working for someone. For the CIA, or maybe someone worse.”

  She turned to her side, and he wished he hadn’t
brought it up. He wasn’t ready to leave the bubble they’d found. But she needed to know.

  “You think he’s a spy?”

  “I think he’s suspicious, and I want you to be careful. You need to understand that even if I leave you alone with Kyle, someone else is watching. If anything happens, you’ll still be protected.” He kissed her forehead and with reluctance rolled out of bed to deal with the condom. Luckily the Rumpus Room came complete with a bathroom and a decadent shower where he could clean her up before he got her dirty all over again. “The good news is you won’t be going back to Genedyne any time soon. You can come up to work with me.”

  He would watch over her.

  He moved into the bathroom, getting rid of the condom and washing his hands.

  Noelle was on her side when he returned, her head resting in her hand and a thoughtful look on her face. “I have to call my dad in the morning.”

  She was so much calmer. She’d needed to know he would never let her go, that no mistake either of them made had to mean the end if they clung to each other.

  “It’s going to be all right.”

  Her nose wrinkled. “You’ve never had an overprotective Cajun sheriff worried about you.”

  “I’ll talk to him.” He moved back into the room. “Unless you want to go home. I can take some time off.”

  It might be for the best.

  “Let’s see what Cara has to say in the morning.” She reached her hand out toward him. “It might be nice to go home for a bit if you come with me. I’d like you to meet my parents.”

  And have an overly protective Cajun sheriff size him up? For her, he would do anything. “I’m going to have to have a long talk with your dad. I really did serve some time.”

  “He’ll give you a medal for what you served time for.” She squeezed his hand. “My dad will love you because you take such good care of me. But I do have some decisions to make. The truth is even if Cara arrests Jessica tomorrow, Genedyne still owns my research, and it’s going to be hard to get it back.”

  He had some thoughts about that, but he didn’t want to get her hopes up. “I’m going to let Mitch work on that. We have some work to do, too. I want to know who that woman was and why she had your keycard.”