Waiting on Someday

by Rachael Brownell

  “Yeah. Have him call me back.”

  Click.

  Sure thing. I’ll get right on that. Not!

  Tossing Blake his phone I say, “You’re girlfriend is rather rude.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Who was it?”

  “Someone named Violet. Ring any bells?”

  “I think I talked to her last night. I must have given her my number. I honestly don’t remember.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t get so wasted.” I cringe the moment the words leave my mouth, knowing the fight I just tried to avoid was about to happen anyway.

  “You’re right. It’s not like I go out all the time, though. My roommate insisted I go to this party last night, and since I’m on break, I figured why not.”

  No fight? No push back? I’m stunned silent for a moment.

  “Oh. Well, let’s get you a shower so we can start having some fun,” I suggest as he pulls onto the main road.

  Blake agrees, and an hour later, we’re at his dorm. He introduces me to his roommate who is headed home for the weekend, leaving me his bed to sleep in. After he’s out the door, Blake disappears to take a shower while I change and freshen up. He’s only been gone for a few minutes when I hear the door open as I’m pulling my shirt up and over my head. I try, but I can’t pull it back down fast enough.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were changing. I forgot my towel.” Blake rattles on while I attempt to get my shirt either up or down.

  “Can you please help me, Blake? My shirt is stuck for some reason. I’m not sure what I did.” I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks. The fact Blake is staring at me without my shirt covering my chest is embarrassing.

  I feel him walk up behind me. His hands slide up my arms and yank on my shirt, freeing it from its grasp on my head. I assumed he would cover me back up but instead he’s removed it, and he’s holding onto it. I cover my chest with my arms and wait for him to back away and leave. When he doesn’t, I glance over my shoulder and find him staring at me.

  “Charlie,” he whispers.

  Our friendship is on the brink of being compromised. I can feel it. I’ve wanted this moment to happen for so long, but now that it’s here, I’m at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what I want. I need to make a decision quick. I can either turn to face him, or I can look away.

  I take a chance, turning my body toward his and am rewarded with a sly grin. His hands push my arms away and he pulls me into his chest, hugging me. Not what I expected but okay.

  “I’m going to kiss you, Charlie,” Blake whispers in my ear. “I’m telling you so you have time to prepare for it. If you don’t want me to, tell me now because I’ve been waiting for this for a long time, and I don’t think I can wait any longer.”

  His words strike deep. I had no idea he’d been wanting to kiss me. In fact, I was certain he didn’t like me like that at all. There were brief moments over the last year that made me wonder but nothing that confirmed anything.

  I pull back and look directly in his eyes. I’m ready for this. I want this. I fell in love with Blake sometime between meeting him and when he left for college. It was a slow change. So slow, in fact, I didn’t notice it happening. It’s as if one day I woke up and just knew I was in love with him.

  Leaning down, Blake’s lips steal my breath. He has my full attention as they softly move against mine. His tongue teases my lips, asking for permission. I grant him access, and things start to heat up. I move with him as he pushes against my body. My back hits a wall, yet Blake continues to press against me, causing heat to course through my body. Even without my shirt on, I feel warm wrapped in his arms.

  When Blake pulls back moments later, I open my eyes to find him studying me. There’s a look of uncertainty on his face. Looking away and taking a step back, he clears his throat.

  “I’m gonna grab that shower now. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  Then, he’s gone, and I’m left staring at the flimsy wooden door he just closed behind him. Did I do something wrong? Does he regret the kiss? That has to be it. He made a mistake. Maybe he had wanted to kiss me, but now that he knows what it’s like, he doesn’t want to kiss me anymore.

  No. I’m not going to let him do this. He’s going to talk to me about what’s going on in his head. I want to talk about it. As silly as it sounds, and as uncomfortable as it’s going to be, we are going to talk about the kiss as soon as he comes back. I’m not letting this linger on.

  After changing and brushing through my hair, I sit down on Blake’s bed and wait for him to come back. I don’t have to wait long. The door opens and a half-naked Blake walks in, still dripping wet from the shower. I’m speechless as I watch him run the towel through his hair, attempting to dry it.

  My eyes drift lower as I admire every inch of Blake’s chest and stomach. His body has changed since the last time I saw him without a shirt on. His abdomen looks firm, and it’s glistening. I want to reach out and touch it, run my fingers across each muscle, but I don’t.

  Instead, I look away and focus on the wooden door. I attempt to occupy myself by following the lines of the wood from the top of the door to the bottom. I get lost over and over again, the lines blurring together as I stare at them for too long. Still, I continue to try while I hear Blake rummage around the room, opening and closing drawers.

  “You can stop staring at the door any time now. I’m dressed.”

  I turn my attention toward Blake to find he is, in fact, wearing clothing, but not much. His shorts hang low on his hips as if they are a size too big, and his shirt has the sleeves ripped off. My eyes focus on the bare skin when he lifts his arms. His shirt is hanging on by a thread an inch or so above where it ends.

  “Where are we going?” I finally ask, pulling myself back together.

  “I figured I would give you a quick tour of campus and we could grab something to eat then relax in here for the rest of the night. Tomorrow, I need your help with a project for one of my classes so we’re going to be gone all day.” Blake holds his hand out for me as he finishes. “Ready?”

  I want to talk about the kiss. I don’t want to let myself get distracted, but I know that’s exactly what he’s trying to do. We will have this conversation… after we eat since my stomach just growled at the mention of food.

  Blake holds my hand the entire walk across campus. We cuddle on his bed and I fall asleep in his arms. He never once tries to kiss me again.

  I contemplate bringing it up in the car on our way to Blake’s first “mystery stop,” but I can’t seem to find the words. Maybe it’s not such a big deal. Or rather, talking about it would make it a bigger deal than it is.

  As we pull off the main road, Blake lets me in on the secret he’s been keeping. His project is to capture true beauty. It’s rather vague, but he seems to have a great idea about how he’s going to accomplish it. We’re going to visit a few places around the city that are beautiful in a natural way. First up, the hot springs.

  Grabbing his camera, Blake leads the way down the trail. As soon as the springs come into view, he removes the cap covering the lens and starts snapping pictures. I follow behind him as he focuses on different things. Finally, tired of walking around in circles, I slip my shoes off, taking a seat at the water’s edge.

  Off in his own world, I watch as Blake surveys his surroundings. Every now and then, he pauses, tilts his head in contemplation, and then raises his camera. Click. Click. Click. This continues for hours. The sun is high above us now, so I lie back and close my eyes, enjoying the warmth of the sun’s rays on my face.

  Click. Click. Click.

  Pause.

  Click. Click. Click.

  He sounds closer than before. I shield my eyes from the sun and open them. Blake is standing above me, his camera hiding the majority of his face, but I can still see the mischievous grin he has.

  Click. Click. Click.

  “What are you doing?” I
ask, feeling self-conscious.

  “Capturing your beauty.”

  I stare at Blake, uncertain of how to reply. My mind instantly flashes back to yesterday, his body pressed against mine, and the feel of his lips. My face heats up, and I can feel the blush as it creeps into my cheeks. I hope he can’t see it with my hands shielding my face.

  Pushing myself into a sitting position, I stare out at the water. Setting his camera down in the grass, Blake slips off his shoes and takes a seat next to me, his legs slipping under the water, barely making any ripples on the glass-like surface. Deep breathe in and breathe out. Repeat.

  “So, what’s on your mind, beautiful?”

  Breathing out, I almost choke as Blake interrupts my internal meditation.

  “Last night,” I reply quickly before I chicken out.

  “I take it I freaked you out.”

  “No. Not at all.” Looking over to Blake, I can tell he doesn’t believe me.

  It could be the look on his face, his eyebrow is raised slightly, or it could be the purse of his lips. The fact he’s shaking his head at me while giving me his look of disbelief is a dead giveaway.

  “Fine. It freaked me out a little.”

  “I’m sorry I freaked you out, but I’m not sorry I kissed you. I’ve wanted to do that since the first day we met,” Blake confesses, causing my heart to beat rapidly in my chest.

  “I’m not sorry you kissed me, either. I wish it wouldn’t have taken you so long, though. I have no idea where we go from here. It’s not like we live next door to each other anymore. We barely see each other every few months and—”

  Blake takes my hand in his, causing me to stop abruptly. My words were starting to sound rushed, and I was beginning to ramble on.

  “Slow down, Charlie. We don’t have to figure everything out right now. I’ll be home in a few months for the entire summer. We don’t have to jump into anything at the moment. Let’s just focus on enjoying the rest of this week and go from there. Okay?”

  I nod my head in agreement, but something feels off. This moment, it feels… I don’t know. Too cliché, maybe? I can’t put my finger on it, but I have a bad feeling. Not about Blake or a relationship with him because that would be amazing, I’m sure. I have a bad feeling about not discussing what we are or what we mean to each other.

  The rest of the week went by in a blur. Blake introduced me to more people than I will ever remember. We went out to dinner almost every night, and he showed me the city during the day. My last night in town, he took me to a fraternity party. That’s an experience I’ll never forget. Girls stared at him, but he paid them no attention. When guys tried to talk to us, Blake made sure to touch me in one way or another. He held my hand, put his arm around my shoulder, and made sure I was safe the entire time we were there. It was the only time during the week I felt like Blake and I were an item.

  My heart aches as I say goodbye to him at the airport. I wait for him to kiss me, but it doesn’t happen. I know he said we would figure everything out, that we had time, but I feel like time is going to be our demise. Relationships are built on trust and communication. More importantly, relationships can only work when you’re both all in. I’m all in, but I begin to wonder if Blake is as I walk down the tunnel, to board the plane that’s going to take me away from here, away from him, and potentially, away from our opportunity to be together.

  July 1992

  Three months ago, things were bright. The sun was beating against my face. Blake and I were talking every day, and it felt like we were moving in the right direction. Then, the clouds moved in, and the rain came pouring down on me. The phone call that changed everything came only a week before Blake was supposed to come home. My heart shattered into a million pieces as the reality of his words sank in.

  “Hey, why are you calling so late? I thought you were supposed to be finishing up your final project so you could come home a day early.” I didn’t bother to hide the excitement in my voice at the thought of Blake coming home the next week. We were on Instant Messenger the day before, planning out most of the summer.

  “I am…working on my project, that is. But, Charlie, there’s something I have to tell you.”

  My stomach dropped, causing a dull pain to sink in. Something was wrong. I reached for it, rubbing the area where I believed the pain was stemming from to no avail.

  “What’s the matter? What happened?”

  “I got a phone call earlier. I applied for this internship a few months back, and when I never heard from them, I figured I didn’t get it. Turns out, I did.”

  “And…” This couldn’t be good.

  “And… I’m not going to be coming home right away.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “New York.”

  “Why?”

  “I got an internship studying under a photographer for a big fashion magazine.”

  This was a huge opportunity for him—an opportunity of a lifetime for anyone who wanted to break into the business of professional photography. I wanted to jump for joy and tell him how happy I was for him. I stared at my feet and willed them to leave the ground, but they didn’t. For me, this meant I wouldn’t get to spend as much time with him over the summer.

  “That’s amazing,” I managed to squeak out, holding back the tears.

  I knew he could hear the disappointment in my voice because I didn’t bother to hide it. He had to expect this. Especially after all the plans we’d been making. All those plans just went down the drain.

  “Charlie, it’s only for two months, maybe a little longer. I should be able to come home for at least a few weeks before I have to head back to school. I promise.”

  Promises, promises. He really should learn not to make promises he couldn’t keep. Especially where I was considered. I was beginning to think his promises are meant to be broken.

  “I get it, really I do. It’s awesome, the internship. You’ll be great and do great things and learn a lot. It’s going to give you an advantage and pad your resume.” My disappointment began to diminish, but it was being replaced by anger. I pushed it down, swallowed it, along with the lump that had formed in my throat.

  “I don’t really care about my resume right now. I’m more concerned with the sound of your voice and the fact I’m pretty sure you’re trying not to cry.”

  Leave it to Blake to see through the facade. “I’m fine. Promise.”

  There was that word again. Now, I was the one throwing it around like it meant nothing.

  “Look, as soon as I know when I’m coming home, you’ll be the first one I call.”

  “Okay. Sounds like a plan. I gotta let you go. I have homework I need to finish,” I lied as I twisted the cord around my finger, trying to focus on anything other than the news Blake had just broken to me.

  “Call me this weekend, okay?”

  “Sure. Later.”

  I hung up without waiting for him to say goodbye. I don’t like the word, I never have. Not since I lost my parents, anyway. There’s so much finality in it, yet it’s also filled with uncertainty. Is it goodbye for now or forever? How long before we talk again? Will we ever talk again?

  That night, as I lay in bed, tears streaming down my face and dripping onto my pillow, I thought about the time Blake and I were going to lose this summer. About the time my eyes began to close from exhaustion, I realized I was alone. For the first time since coming here, since losing first my parents and then my aunt, I felt completely alone.

  Blake had always been there for me, as a friend. Without him here, it felt like I was alone. He was off living his life, pursuing his dreams, and I was waiting for him to return. The truth was, he left me behind long ago. He went off to college, and I stayed here. One day, maybe we’d be on the same page, in the same city, wanting the same things.

  That was three months ago. Today is a new day. Today, I get to see Blake for the first time since spring break. I get to hug him and stare at his beautiful face. There will be no static in our co
nversation. I won’t get wrapped up in the phone cord as I walk around the kitchen.

  Maybe we’ll sit by the pool, relax for a while, and talk. I know he’s going to want to tell me all about his adventure this summer. We’ve barely spoken since he left for New York. Not because we didn’t try to make the time, but every time we thought we had five minutes to talk, his boss needed him or Alice needed me. Over the last few months, we may have spoken for an hour, tops. That’s not enough for me. Not even close.

  So here I am, sitting on my front porch, allowing the sun’s rays to beat against my face, as I patiently wait for Blake’s parents to return from the airport. His plane landed almost an hour ago, so they should be here any moment, and I will be here waiting until I see their car approach. At that point, I imagine I’ll probably start running towards it and jump into Blake’s waiting arms.

  I’m halfway across their lawn as they pull in the driveway, but I have to slow myself when I realize my timing was off. Blake opens the back door, and instead of jumping in his arms, I take a step back. If it weren’t for his amazing smile, I wouldn’t even recognize him. I see his mom watching us with a worried look on her face. I have a feeling Judy was just as shocked when she first saw Blake as I am right now.

  “Charlie!”

  His voice is shrill. He’s trying too hard. His excitement sounds practiced. More than anything, you can hear his exhaustion. It’s written all over his face, too.

  “What happened to you, Blake?” I close my mouth quickly, realizing how I sounded. I didn’t mean for it to come across as rude, but it did. I can’t help but be taken back by the man standing in front of me.

  He’s lost a ton of weight. At this point, I probably weigh more than he does. His hair is so full of gel or something, it looks greasy. His clothing is out of character for him, as well. I’ve never seen him wear dress pants before unless he was headed to church, and even then, he looked well put together. He might be able to accomplish that right now if he tucked his shirt in or buttoned it up at least one more button. Counting quickly, I see the top three buttons are undone. That’s two too many in my opinion. What kind of look is he going for?