Love Beyond Wanting

by Bethany Claire

  Giving him a gentle push with my hand, I waited until he raised his head from my lap. “I know that, Dillon. I forgive you. But it doesn’t change anything.”

  He nodded sadly. “I know.”

  I dropped my hand and tilted my head in confusion. “Then what are you doing here? Why come all this way?”

  He smiled for the first time. “Well, I couldn’t really tell you how sorry I was, could I? You would never answer your phone. I’ll admit that when your mother first called me, I thought maybe I had a chance. She seemed to think I did, but after several weeks of my calls being sent to your voicemail, I knew my chances were slim. I still needed to say I was sorry.”

  Once again, my tendency to avoid had caused problems. If only I’d answered the phone, I could’ve heard his apology and kept him from flying halfway across the world.

  “I’m sorry I made you come all the way here to tell me that.”

  He shook his head and stood, offering me his hand so he could help pull me up. “I’m not.”

  “Really? Why not?”

  “I didn’t like seeing you kissing another man. I can’t deny that, but watching that kiss made me realize something—you never, not once, kissed me the way you kissed him.”

  I jerked uncomfortably as I looked up at him. “I didn’t kiss him any way, Dillon. He kissed me.”

  He smiled and looked at me beneath his brows. “Come on, Kate. That was a kiss. A real kiss. It doesn’t matter who kissed whom. That doesn’t have anything to do with it. I only meant that I realized two things in that moment. One—I’m not the man for you. You need someone that can bring about that much abandon in you. Two—maybe that’s something I want for myself. Maybe I want someone who wants me as much as you seemed to want his kiss.”

  His insight hit a little too close to home for me, but I didn’t have the energy to analyze precisely why. Instead, I just leaned in to wrap my arm around him in a hug.

  “You deserve that, Dillon. I hope you find it very soon.”

  He kissed the top of my head before stepping away. “Me too, Kate. Take care of yourself, okay?”

  I walked him to his car, and as I watched him pull away from Cagair Castle, I felt free of a burden I hadn’t known I’d been carrying.

  Now, I just needed to deal with my mother.

  *

  I made sure to knock on the door this time. I was quite certain I would never open another closed door again without knocking. When my mother opened the door, she was already dressed, with her hair perfectly curled and her bangs pinned back so she could apply her makeup. She smiled guiltily and laughed.

  “I’m sure that was quite a shock for you. I really am sorry. That’s not at all how either of us wanted you to find out.”

  “I cannot freaking believe you. I’m not sure I’ve ever been so angry at you in my whole life.”

  Her expression immediately changed from one of sorry-not-sorry to confusion. She crossed her arms defensively.

  “Look, Kate. I can understand you being a little taken aback, but you have no right to be angry about this. David and I are both grown. It’s our business if we decide to spend time with one another.”

  I shook my head at the irony. “You think I’m angry about David?”

  She nodded and I sighed in exasperation. “You really don’t have any idea how hypocritical you are, do you, Mom? Of course, I’m not angry about David. I love David. Do I wish I hadn’t walked in on the two of you naked? Definitely. But I think you’re lucky to have him. David’s great. What I’m angry about is why you can so easily see the need for you to have some privacy when it comes to your love life, but you don’t see any need to give your daughters the same courtesy.”

  She let out a loud breath and uncrossed her arms as she nodded knowingly. “You mean Dillon.”

  “Of course, I mean Dillon. He showed up here this morning, thanks to you.”

  “Darling…”

  I cut her off by screaming. I hated it when she called me darling.

  “No! Don’t call me darling. This is not okay. Not at all. Do you know what upsets me the most? I don’t blame you for liking Dillon. But this wasn’t about you and your opinion of him. You don’t trust my judgment. You don’t trust me to make my own decisions.”

  She walked past me to sit on the edge of the bed. “I haven’t always felt that way, Kate. I used to trust you completely.”

  I clenched my teeth together in preparation for what I knew was coming. She’d never said the words out loud before, but I’d felt them in so many of her actions. “Oh yeah? And what happened to make you lose that trust?”

  “Sweetheart, it’s not your fault. But you know as well as I do that you haven’t been yourself since the fire. I don’t know how you can be sure of any decision that you make until you get back to being yourself.”

  There it was. The exact thing I always suspected she believed. That the person I was before would someday come back—and that she liked that version of me a whole lot more.

  I couldn’t even bring myself to be angry with her. It just made me feel sad and wholly inadequate. I could never give her what she wanted.

  “Mom, I am myself. My new self. That old me that you used to know—I’m not hiding her anywhere. She just simply doesn’t exist anymore. I’ve changed, and frankly, I like who I am now. I know I still have things I need to work on, but doesn’t everyone? Do you really think you’d be able to go through what I did and come out on the other side exactly the same as you are now?”

  When she said nothing, I continued. “I like the person I am today. I just wish you did, too.”

  I turned away and walked toward the door.

  “Kate…where are you going?”

  “Away from you. I need time alone. I’m going to speak to Maddock and see if we can leave tomorrow instead of today. I’m too angry with you right now to ride next to you all day.”

  She tried to say something as I walked away, but I was in no mood to stop and listen.

  Chapter 16

  I went back to my room after leaving my mom and took some time to shower and clean myself up—I was still in my pajamas, after all—before knocking on the door that led to Maddock’s room from inside our connected bathroom.

  When he answered, he was still in his robe. Half of his face was red as if he’d been laying on it, and his hair was smooshed to one side. Clearly, he’d been sleeping. He looked so stinking adorable that I couldn’t help but smile, despite my guilt over waking him.

  “I’m sorry. Were you sleeping?”

  He smiled and nodded. “I was, but I suppose ’tis time we leave, aye?”

  “About that…do you think it would be okay if we waited until tomorrow? I think everyone could use one more day of rest before heading out on such a long journey.”

  His already friendly face lit up completely. “Ach, lass, I could kiss ye again. I doona think I’ve ever heard a more pleasing suggestion.”

  “Good.” I stood there awkwardly for a moment, unsure of how to thank him for what he’d done before.

  “Lass?”

  I looked up from staring down at my feet as he spoke. “Yes?”

  “How are ye? I saw him leave.”

  I exhaled again. Every time I thought of Dillon now, I felt a sense of ease. The usual tightness that spread over my chest at any thought of him was gone, and much of that was due to Maddock.

  “I’m good. It all worked out okay in the end.”

  “I’m sorry if I interfered more than I should have.”

  I shrugged. “Please don’t be sorry. While shocking, it was actually the perfect thing to do. It opened up a conversation between the two of us—one that allowed me to forgive him for a hurt.”

  His brows furrowed in concern. “What did he do to hurt ye?”

  I dismissed it with my hand. “It should’ve been nothing. I don’t know why I let it upset me so much. He didn’t mean it anyway, but he just mentioned that if I gave him up, I would have trouble finding someone to want me no
w that I’m…” I hesitated and lifted my amputated arm, “damaged.”

  Maddock’s nostrils flared as the muscles in his jaw bulged. “The man is a foolish bastard. I’m afraid ye shall see just how untrue the arse’s words were when we reach the Isle. Every man there will want ye.”

  I flushed at that, and in my nervousness decided to ignore the latter half of Maddock’s statement. “He’s not a bastard. He was just hurt and angry at me for leaving him.”

  Maddock rolled his eyes. “Whatever ye say, lass. I still doona care for him, and I’m pleased he’s gone from yer life.”

  “I am too. And I’m even more glad that I can go through the rest of my life knowing that we didn’t end things by hating each other. Thank you again for what you did.”

  He smiled that same ornery grin that he’d had just before kissing me. “’Tis I that should be thanking ye. I’ve not been kissed like that in a verra, verra long time.”

  I reached for the door in my urgency to step away from him. “I didn’t kiss you. You kissed me. Now, get some more rest. Tomorrow will come quickly and neither one of us got any sleep last night.”

  He laughed as I closed the door between us, and I thought I heard him say once again, “Whatever ye say, lass. Whatever ye say.”

  *

  Three Days Later—1651

  *

  Freezing, soaked to the bone, and with a cough that was beginning to worry me more than I wanted to admit, I trudged my way through the mud back over to my horse after an absolutely miserable stop in the middle of some trees so we could all take a quick pee.

  “I know, baby. It’s not fun for me, either. We’re all moving as quickly as we can.”

  Mr. Crinkles whined miserably from inside the pocket of my coat that Gillian had sewn for me before we left. Anticipating the weather, she knew he would need a place to keep dry. While I was certain he was grateful for the warmth, he was a cat accustomed to having lots of space to roam around. For days, he’d been cramped up against me.

  I knew such a long journey on horseback would be difficult, but each day was more miserable than I could have possibly imagined. Rain poured down on us nonstop. While Maddock and Paton made certain to find us decent lodging each night, the mornings and our journey through the rain always came much too soon.

  I ached all over, and each breath seemed much more difficult than it should’ve been.

  I stopped as I reached my horse and waited for Maddock’s dutiful assistance. While I could manage riding the horse with one arm fine, I couldn’t pull myself up onto the horse with just my left hand. With the way I felt now, I didn’t think I would’ve been able to do it even with two.

  “Ye doona look well, lass. ’Tis not too far to the next village. We shall stop early today. I can see that ye need rest.”

  Maddock stood right behind me, but his voice sounded far away. I leaned back into him as his hands gripped my waist to lift me. As I did so, my cheek brushed against his.

  “Ye are burnin’ up. Are ye sure ye are…”

  That’s all I remember hearing before I passed out in his arms.

  Chapter 17

  Kate trembled as she slept, and each breath she drew was strained. With her mother sitting on the edge of the bed and her cat curled up at her feet, Maddock paced the small room where they all would stay the night.

  Paton caught his eye and motioned for him to join him in the hallway.

  Quietly, he slipped away from the group so as not to draw attention.

  “We canna heal her, Maddock.”

  “Aye, I know.” He sighed and leaned against the wall. Healing magic would place too much strain on their powers. With The Eight still missing a member and them being so far from the Isle, it could put them in great danger.

  Paton continued to ramble on as if he’d not just agreed with him. “Even on the Isle, even with the other men, healing magic is the most difficult. This far from home with only the two of us, such a strain could break our bond to the others. It could set Machara free.”

  “Aye, I know. Hush yer mouth. I canna think with yer yammering.” He didn’t need Paton to explain to him what he already knew.

  At the rate they were moving now, they were still four days from the Isle. If the weather grew worse or if Kate’s sickness remained, it would take them even longer. She might be dead by then.

  Unencumbered by new riders and able to ride through the night without sleep, he and Paton had been able to make the entire journey in just three days.

  “We canna let Laurel’s sister die while in our care.”

  “Paton.” He shoved his friend into the opposite wall and held both his hands on his shoulders. “I’ve no intention of letting the lass die. We will have to split up so that one of us can get Kate to the Isle more quickly. Then the rest of the men can heal her.”

  “I’ll take her.”

  Maddock laughed and dropped his hands from Paton’s shoulders. There was no way he was letting Kate out of his sight. “I’ll be the one taking her. I ride faster than ye do. Besides, the lass is more comfortable in my presence than in yers.”

  “Ha! How could ye possibly know that? We’ve both known her exactly the same amount of time. Myla hates me, Maddock.”

  Maddock smiled for the first time all day. It was true. Kate’s mother did seem to despise Paton for some reason none of them could quite understand.

  “Trust me, I just know. Besides, Myla’s distaste for ye is even more reason that I should be the one to see Kate to the castle. Myla wouldna want her daughter in yer care.”

  Paton frowned and gave him one begrudging nod. “Aye, fine. When will ye leave with her?”

  He could spare a little magic to keep her warm and to help her rest, but the ride would be taxing on her, regardless of the little comfort he could provide. If she could sleep now, she needed to.

  “Morning. For now, I shall inquire with the innkeeper if there is a healer in the village. Mayhap I can find something medicinal to help her with the illness.” He stepped away and then paused before Paton walked back inside the room. “Say nothing of this to her mother just yet. It will only make her worry about the severity of Kate’s illness. I will tell her just before we leave.”

  Watching Paton slip back inside with the others, Maddock made his way downstairs where the old man who’d rented them the room sat rocking by the fire.

  “Pardon me, sir. I am verra sorry to disturb ye so late, but the lass I carried in has grown worse. Is there a healer close by? I’m afraid ’tis quite urgent that I find some help.”

  The old man stood and walked over to open the front door, waiting until Maddock stood next to him to point out into the wet, cold night. “Aye, I do. Fourth home to the right. The one with the candle still burning in the window. The lad’s name is Brachan. His mother grows the flowers and herbs he uses, and he mixes them on his own. We’ve not had a villager die here from anything other than old age in three years. If he canna see the lassie well, then I doona believe anyone will be able to.”

  *

  A woman far younger than he expected opened the door after his first knock.

  “Doona tell me ’tis Murdock again? I thought we had him well days…” She paused as she stepped forward to look at him more closely, then she smiled and dipped her head in embarrassment. “Ach, ye are not who I thought ye were. My apologies. I’ve not seen ye around here before. Ye must be passing through, aye? What can we do for ye?”

  Maddock stepped into the small cottage as the woman ushered him inside.

  “’Tis not for me. I’m traveling with a small group, and one of the women has fallen ill. She has a terrible cough and fever. She drifts in and out of consciousness.”

  “Well, we canna have that, can we?”

  The woman turned away from him to address the man sitting at a table in the far corner of the room with his back toward them. “Brachan, grab yer bag and come and greet this man so ye may follow him to wherever his lady friend lies ill.”

  “She is not
…” He stopped, deciding that was unimportant. Besides, he liked the way that sounded.

  Maddock watched on as Brachan slowly stood, reached for a small satchel underneath the desk where he worked, and turned toward him.

  “Forgive my rudeness, sir. I was in the middle of mixing a tincture. I would’ve forgotten where I was had I stood to greet ye the moment ye entered. Now, what else can ye tell me of the woman’s symptoms?”

  Maddock could find no immediate words as he stared at the man in front of him. Brachan bore a striking resemblance to a younger Nicol. The man had the same green eyes, the same spotty stubble, and the same distinct chin.

  “The…she…the lass is trembling all over without end, and as I said, she has a fever and a horrible cough. She passed out in my arms earlier in the day. Might I ask ye lad, what is yer surname?”

  “Young. My name is Brachan Young, sir.”

  Maddock would’ve bet all he owned that the man would’ve said Murray, just like Nicol.

  “Do ye have relations to the clan Murray? Ye look just like someone I know.”

  Brachan’s mother stepped in between them. Her tone was suddenly far less friendly. “Clan Murray? Why would ye ask that? And what of yerself? What might yer name be, and where are ye from?”

  Maddock couldn’t understand the woman’s sudden change of mood, but he said nothing of it.

  “My name is Maddock and I live on The Isle of Eight Lairds. I thought mayhap ye might have relations there, for yer son looks just like my friend and master, Nicol.”

  The woman’s hands moved to his arms as she tried to push him back toward the door. He didn’t budge. “Get out of my house, sir. While I hope the lass recovers, we willna be giving her aid.”

  “If I have done anything to offend ye, I am truly sorry, but I am afraid I canna leave without yer son’s help. The lass may truly die without it, and I willna allow that to happen.”

  Brachan moved toward his mother, placing a gentle hand on her back. “I will help them regardless of where they come from, Mother. We canna live in fear forever. I will be back by morning. Doona wait up.”