Plays Political

by Dan Laurence

  MAGNUS. Of course not. Is it not curious how people idealize their rulers? In the old days the king—poor man!—was a god, and was actually called God and worshipped as infallible and omniscient. That was monstrous—

  BOANERGES. It was silly: just silly.

  MAGNUS. But was it half so silly as our pretence that he is an indiarubber stamp? The ancient Roman emperor-god had not infinite wisdom, infinite knowledge, infinite power; but he had some: perhaps even as much as his ministers. He was alive, not dead. What man has ever approached either a king or a minister and been able to pick him up from the table and use him as one picks up and uses a piece of wood and brass and rubber? Permanent officials of your department will try to pick you up and use you like that. Nineteen times out of twenty you will have to let them do it, because you cannot know everything; and even if you could you cannot do everything and be everywhere. But what about the twentieth time?

  BOANERGES. The twentieth time they will find they are up against Bill Boanerges, eh?

  MAGNUS. Precisely. The indiarubber stamp theory will not work, Mr Boanerges. The old divine theory worked because there is a divine spark in us all; and the stupidest or worst monarch or minister, if not wholly god, is a bit of a god—an attempt at a god-however little the bit and unsuccessful the attempt. But the indiarubber stamp theory breaks down in every real emergency, because no king or minister is the very least little bit like a stamp: he is a living soul.

  BOANERGES. A soul, eh? You kings still believe in that, I suppose.

  MAGNUS. I find the word convenient: it is short and familiar. But if you dislike being called a soul, let us say that you are animate matter as distinguished from inanimate.

  BOANERGES [not quite liking this] I think I’d rather you called me a soul, you know, if you must call me anything at all. I know I have too much matter about me: the doctor says I ought to knock off a stone or two; but there’s something more to me than beef. Call it a soul if you like; only not in a superstitious sense, if you understand me.

  MAGNUS. Perfectly. So you see, Mr Boanerges, that though we have been dealing with one another for less than ten minutes, you have already led me into an intellectual discussion which shews that we are something more than a pair of indiarubber stamps. You are up against my brains, such as they are.

  BOANERGES. And you are up against mine.

  MAGNUS [gallantly] There can be no doubt of that.

  BOANERGES [grinning] Such as they are, eh?

  MAGNUS. It is not for me to make that qualification, except in my own case. Besides, you have given your proofs. No common man could have risen as you have done. As for me, I am a king because I was the nephew of my uncle, and because my two elder brothers died. If I had been the stupidest man in the country I should still be its king. I have not won my position by my merits. If I had been born as you were in the—in the—

  BOANERGES. In the gutter. Out with it. Picked up by a policeman at the foot of Captain Coram’s statue. Adopted by the policeman’s grandmother, bless her!

  MAGNUS. Where should I have been if the policeman had picked me up?

  BOANERGES. Ah! Where? Not, mind you, that you mightnt have done pretty well for yourself. Youre no fool, Magnus: I will say that for you.

  MAGNUS. You flatter me.

  BOANERGES. Flatter a king! Never. Not Bill Boanerges.

  MAGNUS. Yes, yes: everybody flatters the King. But everybody has not your tact, and, may I say? your good nature.

  BOANERGES [beaming with self-satisfaction] Perhaps not. Still, I am a Republican, you know.

  MAGNUS. That is what has always surprised me. Do you really think that any man should have as much personal power as the presidents of the republican States have? Ambitious kings envy them.

  BOANERGES. What’s that? I dont follow that.

  MAGNUS [smiling] You cannot humbug me, Mr Boanerges. I see why you are a Republican. If the English people send me packing and establish a republic, no man has a better chance of being the first British president than you.

  BOANERGES [almost blushing] Oh! I dont say that.

  MAGNUS. Come come! You know it as well as I do. Well, if it happens you will have ten times more power than I have ever had.

  BOANERGES [not quite convinced] How can that be? Youre King.

  MAGNUS. And what is the King? An idol set up by a group of plutocrats so that they can rule the country with the King as their scapegoat and puppet. Presidents, now, are chosen by the people, who always want a Strong Man to protect them against the rich.

  BOANERGES. Well, speaking as a bit of a Strong Man myself, there may be something in that. But honestly, Magnus, as man to man, do you tell me youd rather be a president than what you are?

  MAGNUS. By no means. You wouldnt believe me if I did; and you would be quite right. You see, my security is very comfortable.

  BOANERGES. Security, eh? You admitted just now that even a modest individual like myself had given your throne a shake or two.

  MAGNUS. True. You are quite right to remind me of it. I know that the monarchy may come to an end at any moment. But while the monarchy lasts—while it lasts, mark you—I am very secure. I escape the dreadful and demoralizing drudgery of electioneering. I have no voters to please. Ministers come and ministers go; but I go on for ever. The terrible precariousness of your position—

  BOANERGES. What’s that? How is my position precarious?

  MAGNUS. The vote may go against you. Yours is a Trade Union seat, is it not? If the Hydro-Electric Workers Federation throw you over, where would you be?

  BOANERGES [confidently] They wont throw me over. You dont know the workers, Magnus: you have never been a worker.

  MAGNUS [lifts his eyebrows]!

  BOANERGES [continuing] No king on earth is as safe in his job as a Trade Union Official. There is only one thing that can get him sacked; and that is drink. Not even that, as long as he doesnt actually fall down. I talk democracy to these men and women. I tell them that they have the vote, and that theirs is the kingdom and the power and the glory. I say to them “You are supreme: exercise your power.” They say, “That’s right: tell us what to do”; and I tell them. I say “Exercise your vote intelligently by voting for me.” And they do. That’s democracy; and a splendid thing it is too for putting the right men in the right place.

  MAGNUS. Magnificent! I have never heard it better described. You certainly have a head on you, Mr Boanerges. You should write an essay on democracy. But—

  BOANERGES. But what?

  MAGNUS. Suppose a man with a bigger voice comes along! Some fool! Some windbag! Some upstart with a platform trick of gulling the multitude!

  BOANERGES. Youre thinking of Iky Jacobus? He is only a talker. [Snapping his fingers] I dont give that for him.

  MAGNUS. I never even heard of Mr Jacobus. But why do you say “only a talker.” Talkers are very formidable rivals for popular favor. The multitude understands talk: it does not understand work. I mean brain work, like yours and mine.

  BOANERGES. That’s true. But I can talk Iky’s head off.

  MAGNUS. Lucky man: you have all the trumps in your hand. But I, who cannot pretend to your gifts, am very glad that Iky cannot upset me as long as I am the nephew of my uncle.

  A young lady, dressed for walking, rushes in impetuously.

  THE YOUNG LADY. Papa: I cannot find the address—

  MAGNUS [cutting her short] No, no, no, dear: not now. Go away. Dont you see that I am particularly engaged with the President of the Board of Trade? You must excuse my unruly daughter, Mr Boanerges. May I present her to you? Alice, my eldest girl. Mr Boanerges, dear.

  ALICE. Oh! Are you the great Mr Boanerges?

  BOANERGES [rising in a glow of gratification] Well, I dont call myself that, you know. But I believe the expression is in use, as you might say. I am very pleased indeed to make the aquaintance of the Princess Royal.

  They shake hands.

  ALICE. Why do you wear such awful clothes, Mr Boanerges?

  MAGNUS
{remonstrating] My dear—!

  ALICE [continuing] I cant go out walking with you in that [pointing to his blouse].

  BOANERGES. The uniform of Labor, your Royal Highness. I’m proud of it.

  ALICE. Oh yes, I know all that, Mr Boanerges. But you dont look the part, you know. Anyone can see that you belong naturally to the governing class.

  BOANERGES [struck by this view] In a way, perhaps. But I have earned my bread by my hands. Not as a laborer, though. I am a skilled mechanic, or was until my country called on me to lead it.

  MAGNUS [to Alice] Well, my dear, you have broken up a most interesting conversation, and to me a most instructive one. It’s no use our trying to go on, Mr Boanerges: I must go and find what my daughter wants, though I strongly suspect that what she really came in for was to see my wonderful new minister. We shall meet again presently: you know that the Prime Minister is calling on me today with some of his colleagues—including, I hope, yourself—to discuss the crisis. [Taking Alice’s arm and turning towards the door] You will excuse us, wont you?

  BOANERGES [graciously] Oh, thats all right. Thats quite all right.

  The King and the Princess go out, apparently much pleased.

  BOANERGES [to Sempronius and Pamphilius comprehensively] Well, say what you will, the King is no fool. Not when you know how to handle him.

  PAMPHILIUS. Of course, that makes all the difference.

  BOANERGES. And the girl hasnt been spoilt. I was glad to see that. She doesnt seem to know that she is the Princess Royal, eh?

  SEMPRONIUS. Well, she wouldnt dream of giving herself any airs with you.

  BOANERGES. What! Isnt she always like that?

  SEMPRONIUS. Oh no. It’s not everybody who is received as you have been. I hope you have enjoyed your visit.

  BOANERGES. Well, I pulled Magnus through it pretty well: eh? Dont you think so?

  SEMPRONIUS. He was pleased. You have a way with him, Mr President.

  BOANERGES. Well, perhaps I have, perhaps I have.

  A bevy of five Cabinet Ministers, resplendent in diplomatic uniforms, enters. Proteus the Prime Minister has on his left, Pliny, Chancellor of the Exchequer, goodhumored and conciliatory, and Nicobar, Foreign Secretary, snaky and censorious. On his right Crassus, Colonial Secretary, elderly and anxious, and Balbus, Home Secretary, rude and thoughtless.

  BALBUS. Holy snakes! look at Bill. [To Boanerges] Go home and dress yourself properly, man.

  NICOBAR. Where do you think you are?

  CRASSUS. Who do you think you are?

  PLINY [fingering the blouse] Where did you buy it, Bill?

  BOANERGES [turning on them like a baited bear] Well, if you come to that, who do you think you are, the lot of you?

  PROTEUS [conciliatory] Never mind them, Bill: theyre jealous because they didnt think of it themselves. How did you get on with the King?

  BOANERGES. Right as rain, Joe. You leave the King to me. I know how to handle him. If I’d been in the Cabinet these last three months there’d have been no crisis.

  NICOBAR. He put you through it, did he?

  BOANERGES. What do you mean? put me through it? Is this a police office?

  PLINY. The third degree is not unknown in this palace, my boy. [To Pamphilius] Did the matron take a hand?

  PAMPHILIUS. No. But the Princess Alice happened to drop in. She was greatly impressed by the President.

  They all laugh uproariously at Boanerges.

  BOANERGES. What in hell are you laughing at?

  PROTEUS. Take no notice of them, Bill: they are only having their bit of fun with you as a new comer. Come, lads! enough of fooling: lets get to business. [He takes the chair vacated by the King].

  Sempronius and Pamphilius at once rise and go out busily, taking some of their papers with them. Pliny takes Boanerges’ chair, Balbus that of Sempronius, Boanerges that of Pamphilius, whilst Nicobar and Crassus take chairs from the wall and sit down at the ends of the writing tables, left and right of the Prime Minister respectively.

  PROTEUS. Now to start with, do you chaps all fully realize that though we wiped out every other party at the last election, and have been in power for the last three years, this country has been governed during that time by the King?

  NICOBAR. I dont see that. We—

  PROTEUS [impatiently] Well, if you dont, then for Heaven’s sake either resign and get out of the way of men who can see facts and look them in the face, or else take my job and lead the party yourself.

  NICOBAR. The worst of you is that you wont face the fact that though youre Prime Minister youre not God Almighty. The king cant do anything except what we advise him to do. How can he govern the country if we have all the power and he has none?

  BOANERGES. Dont talk silly, Nick. This indiarubber stamp theory doesnt work. What man has ever approached a king or a minister and been able to pick him up from the table and use him as youd use a bit of wood and brass and rubber? The King’s a live man; and what more are you, with your blessed advice?

  PLINY. Hullo, Bill! You have been having your mind improved by somebody.

  BOANERGES. What do you mean? Isnt it what I have always said?

  PROTEUS [whose nerves are on edge] Oh, will you stop squabbling. What are we going to say to the King when he comes in? If you will only hold together and say the same thing—or let me say it—he must give way. But he is as artful as the very devil. He’ll have a pin to stick into the seat of every man of you. If you all start quarrelling and scolding and bawling, which is just what he wants you to do, it will end in his having his own way as usual, because one man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who havnt and dont.

  PLINY. Steady, Prime Minister. Youre overwrought

  PROTEUS. It’s enough to drive a man mad. I am sorry

  PLINY [changing the subject] Where’s Mandy?

  NICOBAR. And Lizzie?

  PROTEUS. Late as usual. Come! Business, business, business.

  BOANERGES [thunderously] Order order!

  PROTEUS. The King is working the Press against us. The King is making speeches. Things have come to a head. He said yesterday on the opening of the new Chamber of Commerce building that the king’s veto is the only remaining defence of the people against corrupt legislation.

  BOANERGES. So it is, by Jingo. What other defence is there? Democracy? Yah! We know what Democracy is worth. What we need is a Strong Man.

  NICOBAR [sneering] Yourself for instance.

  BOANERGES. I should stand a better chance than you, my lad, if we were a Republic, and the people could choose. And let me tell you that a republican president has more power than a king because the people know that they need a Strong Man to protect them against the rich.

  PROTEUS [flinging himself back in his chair in desperation] This is a nice thing. Two Labor papers have leading articles this morning supporting the King; and the latest addition to the Cabinet here is a King’s man. I resign.

  General consternation except on the part of Nicobar, who displays cheerful unconcern, and of Boanerges, who squares himself with an iron face.

  PLINY.

  No: dont do that, Joe.

  BALBUS.

  What! Now! You cant. You mustnt.

  CRASSUS.

  Of course not. Out of the question.

  PROTEUS. No use. [Rising] I resign, I tell you. You can all go to the devil. I have lost my health, and almost lost my reason, trying to keep this Cabinet together in the face of the cunningest enemy popular government has ever had to face. I have had enough of it. [Sitting down again] I resign.

  CRASSUS. But not at such a moment as this. Dont let us swop horses when crossing a stream.

  NICOBAR. Why not, if the horse you have got is subject to hysterics ?

  BOANERGES. Not to mention that you may have more than one horse at your disposal.

  PROTEUS. Right you are. Perfectly true. Take my job, Nick. It’s vacant for you, Bill. I wish you joy of it.

  PLINY. Now boys, boys, boys: be good. We cant mak
e a new Cabinet before Magnus comes in. You have something in your pocket, Joe. Out with it. Read it to them.

  PROTEUS [taking a paper from his pocket] What I was going to propose—and you can take it or leave it—is an ultimatum.

  CRASSUS. Good!

  PROTEUS. Either he signs this, or—[he pauses significantly]—!

  NICOBAR. Or what?

  PROTEUS [disgusted] Oh, you make me sick.

  NICOBAR. Youre sick already, by your own account. I only ask, suppose he refuses to sign your ultimatum?

  PROTEUS. You call yourself a Cabinet Minister, and you cant asnwer that!