by Dan Laurence
ORINTHIA. I cannot understand it. All men are fools and moral cowards when you come to know them. But you are less of a fool and less of a moral coward than any man I have ever known. You have almost the makings of a first rate woman in you. When I leave the earth and soar up to the regions which are my real eternal home, you can follow me: I can speak to you as I can speak to no one else; and you can say things to me that would just make your stupid wife cry. There is more of you in me than of any other man within my reach. There is more of me in you than of any other woman within your reach. We are meant for oneanother: it is written across the sky that you and I are queen and king. How can you hesitate? What attraction is there for you in your common healthy jolly lumps of children and your common housekeeper wife and the rabble of dowdies and upstarts and intriguers and clowns that think they are governing the country when they are only squabbling with you? Look again at me, man: again and again. Am I not worth a million such? Is not life with me as high above them as the sun is above the gutter?
MAGNUS. Yes yes yes yes, of course. You are lovely: you are divine [she cannot restrain a gesture of triumph]. And you are enormously amusing.
This anti-climax is too much for Orinthia’s exaltation; but she is too clever not to appreciate it. With another gesture, this time of deflation, she sits down at his left hand with an air of suffering patience, and listens in silence to the harangue which follows.
MAGNUS. Some day perhaps Nature will graft the roses on the cabbages and make every woman as enchanting as you; and then what a glorious lark life will be! But at present, what I come here for is to enjoy talking to you like this when I need an hour’s respite from royalty: when my stupid wife has been worrying me, or my jolly lumps of children bothering me, or my turbulent Cabinet obstructing me: when, as the doctors say, what I need is a change. You see, my dear, there is no wife on earth so precious, no children so jolly, no Cabinet so tactful that it is impossible ever to get tired of them. Jemima has her limitations, as you have observed. And I have mine. Now if our limitations exactly corresponded I should never want to talk to anyone else; and neither would she. But as that never happens, we are like all other married couples: that is, there are subjects which can never be discussed between us because they are sore subjects. There are people we avoid mentioning to oneanother because one of us likes them and the other doesnt. Not only individuals, but whole sorts of people. For instance, your sort. My wife doesnt like your sort, doesnt understand it, mistrusts and dreads it. Not without reason; for women like you are dangerous to wives. But I dont dislike your sort: I understand it, being a little in that line myself. At all events I am not afraid of it; though the least allusion to it brings a cloud over my wife’s face. So when I want to talk freely about it I come and talk to you. And I take it she talks to friends of hers about people of whom she never talks to me. She has men friends from whom she can get some things that she cannot get from me. If she didnt do so she would be limited by my limitations, which would end in her hating me. So I always do my best to make her men friends feel at home with us.
ORINTHIA. A model husband in a model household! And when the model household becomes a bore, I am the diversion.
MAGNUS. Well, what more can you ask? Do not let us fall into the common mistake of expecting to become one flesh and one spirit. Every star has its own orbit; and between it and its nearest neighbor there is not only a powerful attraction but an infinite distance. When the attraction becomes stronger than the distance the two do not embrace: they crash together in ruin. We two also have our orbits, and must keep an infinite distance between us to avoid a disastrous collision. Keeping our distance is the whole secret of good manners; and without good manners human society is intolerable and impossible.
ORINTHIA. Would any other woman stand your sermons, and even like them?
MAGNUS. Orinthia: we are only two children at play; and you must be content to be my queen in fairyland. And [rising] I must go back to my work.
ORINTHIA. What work have you that is more important than being with me?
MAGNUS. None.
ORINTHIA. Then sit down.
MAGNUS. Unfortunately, this silly business of government must be carried on. And there is a crisis this evening, as usual.
ORINTHIA. But the crisis is not until five: I heard all about it from Sempronius. Why do you encourage that greedy schemer Proteus ? He humbugs you. He humbugs everybody. He even humbugs himself; and of course he humbugs that Cabinet which is a disgrace to you: it is like an overcrowded third class carriage. Why do you allow such riffraff to waste your time? After all, what are you paid for? To be a king: that is, to wipe your boots on common people.
MAGNUS. Yes: but this king business, as the Americans call it, has got itself so mixed up with democracy that half the country expects me to wipe my perfectly polished boots on the Cabinet, and the other half expects me to let the Cabinet wipe its muddy boots on me. The Crisis at five o’clock is to decide which of us is to be the doormat.
ORINTHIA. And you will condescend to fight with Proteus for power?
MAGNUS. Oh no: I never fight. But I sometimes win.
ORINTHIA. If you let yourself be beaten by that trickster and poseur, never dare to approach me again.
MAGNUS. Proteus is a clever fellow: even on occasion a fine fellow. It would give me no satisfaction to beat him: I hate beating people. But there would be some innocent fun in outwitting him.
ORINTHIA. Magnus: you are a mollycoddle. If you were a real man you would just delight in beating him to a jelly.
MAGNUS. A real man would never do as a king. I am only an idol, my love; and all I can do is to draw the line at being a cruel idol. [He looks at his watch] Now I must really be off. Au revoir.
ORINTHIA [looking at her wrist watch] But it is only twenty-five minutes past four. You have heaps of time before five.
MAGNUS. Yes; but tea is at half-past four.
ORINTHIA [catching him by the arm with a snakelike dart] Never mind your tea. I will give you your tea.
MAGNUS. Impossible, belovéd. Jemima does not like to be kept waiting.
ORINTHIA. Oh, bother Jemima! You shall not leave me to go to Jemima [she pulls him back so vigorously that he falls into the seat beside her].
MAGNUS. My dear, I must.
ORINTHIA. No, not today. Listen, Magnus. I have something very particular to say to you.
MAGNUS. You have not. You are only trying to make me late to annoy my wife. [He tries to rise, but is pulled back]. Let me go, please.
ORINTHIA [holding on] Why are you so afraid of your wife? You are the laughing stock of London, you poor henpecked darling.
MAGNUS. Henpecked! What do you call this? At least my wife does not restrain me by bodily violence.
ORINTHIA. I will not be deserted for your old Dutch.
MAGNUS. Listen, Orinthia. Dont be absurd. You know I must go. Do be good.
ORINTHIA. Only ten minutes more.
MAGNUS. It is half-past already.
He tries to rise; but she holds him back.
MAGNUS [pausing for breath] You are doing this out of sheer devilment. You are so abominably strong that I cannot break loose without hurting you. Must I call the guard?
ORINTHIA. Do, do. It will be in all the papers tomorrow.
MAGNUS. Fiend. [Summoning all his dignity] Orinthia: I command you.
ORINTHIA [laughs wildly]!!!
MAGNUS [furious] Very well, then, you she-devil: you shall let go.
He tackles her in earnest. She flings her arms round him and holds on with mischievous enjoyment. There is a tapping at the door; but they do not hear it. As he is breaking loose she suddenly shifts her grip to his waist and drags him on to the floor, where they roll over one another. Sempronius enters. He stares at the scandalous scene for a moment; then hastily slips out; shuts the door; clears his throat and blows his nose noisily; and knocks loudly and repeatedly. The two combatants cease hostilities and scramble hastily to their feet.
MAGNU
S. Come in.
SEMPRONIUS [entering] Her Majesty sent me to remind you that tea is waiting, sir.
MAGNUS. Thank you. [He goes quickly out].
ORINTHIA [panting but greatly pleased with herself] The King forgets everything when he is here. So do I, I am afraid. I am so sorry.
SEMPRONIUS [stiffly] No explanations are needed. I saw what happened. [He goes out].
ORINTHIA. The beast! He must have looked through the keyhole. [She throws her hand up with a gesture of laughing defiance, and dances back to her seat at the writing-table].
[ ACT II ]
* * *
Later in the afternoon. The Terrace of the Palace. A low balustrade separates it from the lawn. Terrace chairs in abundance, ranged along the balustrade. Some dining room chairs also, not ranged, but standing about as if they had just been occupied. The terrace is accessible from the lawn by a central flight of steps.
The King and Queen are sitting apart near the corners of the steps, the Queen to the King’s right. He is reading the evening paper: she is knitting. She has a little work table on her right, with a small gong on it.
* * *
THE QUEEN. Why did you tell them to leave the chairs when they took away the tea?
MAGNUS. I shall receive the Cabinet here.
THE QUEEN. Here! Why?
MAGNUS. Well, I think the open air and the evening light will have a quieting effect on them. They cannot make speeches at me so easily as in a room.
THE QUEEN. Are you sure? When Robert asked Boanerges where he learnt to speak so beautifully, he said “In Hyde Park.”
MAGNUS. Yes; but with a crowd to stimulate him.
THE QUEEN. Robert says you have tamed Boanerges.
MAGNUS. No: I have not tamed him. I have taught him how to behave. I have to valet all the beginners; but that does not tame them: it teaches them how to use their strength instead of wasting it in making fools of themselves. So much the worse for me when I have to fight them.
THE QUEEN. You get no thanks for it. They think you are only humbugging them.
MAGNUS. Well, so I am, in the elementary lessons. But when it comes to real business humbug is no use: they pick it up themselves too quickly.
Pamphilius enters along the terrace, from the Queen’s side.
MAGNUS [looking at his watch] Good Heavens! They havnt come, have they? It’s not five yet.
PAMPHILIUS. No, sir. It’s the American ambassador.
THE QUEEN [resenting this a little] Has he an audience?
PAMPHILIUS. No, maam. He is rather excited about something, I think. I cant get anything out of him. He says, he must see His Majesty at once.
THE QUEEN. Must!! An American must see the King at once, without an audience! Well!
MAGNUS [rising] Send him in, Pam.
Pamphilius goes out.
THE QUEEN. I should have told him to write for an audience, and then kept him waiting a week for it.
MAGNUS. What! When we still owe America that old war debt. And with a mad imperialist president like Bossfield! No you wouldnt, my dear: you would be crawlingly civil to him, as I am going to be, confound him!
PAMPHILIUS [re-appearing] His Excellency the American Ambassador. Mr Vanhattan.
He retires as Mr Vanhattan enters in an effusive condition, and, like a man assured of an enthusiastic welcome, hurries to the Queen, and salutes her with a handshake so prolonged that she stares in astonishment, first at him, and then appealingly at the King, with her hands being vigorously wrung and waved up and down all the time.
MAGNUS. What on earth is the matter, Mr Vanhattan? You are shaking Her Majesty’s rings off.
VANHATTAN [desisting] Her Majesty will excuse me when she learns the nature of my errand here. This, King Magnus, is a great historic scene: one of the greatest, perhaps, that history has ever recorded or will ever again record.
MAGNUS. Have you had tea?
VANHATTAN. Tea! Who can think of tea at such a moment as this?
THE QUEEN [rather coldly] It is hard for us to share your enthusiasm in complete ignorance of its cause.
VANHATTAN. That is true, maam. I am just behaving like a crazy man. But you shall hear. You shall judge. And then you shall say whether I exaggerate the importance—the immensity—of an occasion that cannot be exaggerated.
MAGNUS. Goodness gracious! Wont you sit down?
VANHATTAN [taking a chair and placing it between them] I thank your Majesty. [He sits].
MAGNUS. You have some exciting news for us, apparently. Is it private or official?
VANHATTAN. Official, sir. No mistake about it. What I am going to tell you is authentic from the United States of America to the British Empire.
THE QUEEN. Perhaps I had better go.
VANHATTAN. No, maam: you shall not go. Whatever may be the limits of your privileges as the consort of your sovereign, it is your right as an Englishwoman to learn what I have come here to communicate.
MAGNUS. My dear Vanhattan, what the devil is the matter?
VANHATTAN. King Magnus: between your country and mine there is a debt.
MAGNUS. Does that matter, now that our capitalists have invested so heavily in American concerns that after paying yourselves the interest on the debt you have to send us two thousand million dollars a year to balance the account.
VANHATTAN. King Magnus: for the moment, forget figures. Between your country and mine there is not only a debt but a frontier: the frontier that has on it not a single gun nor a single soldier, and across which the American citizen every day shakes the hand of the Canadian subject of your throne.
MAGNUS. There is also the frontier of the ocean, which is somewhat more expensively defended at our joint expense by the League of Nations.
VANHATTAN [rising to give his words more impressiveness] Sir: the debt is cancelled. The frontier no longer exists.
THE QUEEN. How can that be?
MAGNUS. Am I to understand, Mr Vanhattan, that by some convulsion of Nature the continent of North America has been submerged in the Atlantic?
VANHATTAN. Something even more wonderful than that has happened. One may say that the Atlantic Ocean has been submerged in the British Empire.
MAGNUS. I think you had better tell us as succinctly as possible what has happened. Pray sit down.
VANHATTAN [resuming his seat] You are aware, sir, that the United States of America at one time formed a part of your empire.
MAGNUS. There is a tradition to that effect.
VANHATTAN. No mere tradition, sir. An undoubted historical fact. In the eighteenth century—
MAGNUS. That is a long time ago.
VANHATTAN. Centuries count for but little in the lifetimes of great nations, sir. Let me recall the parable of the prodigal son.
MAGNUS. Oh really, Mr Vanhattan, that was a very very long time ago. I take it that something important has happened since yesterday.
VANHATTAN. It has. It has indeed, King Magnus.
MAGNUS. Then what is it? I have not time to attend to the eighteenth century and the prodigal son at this moment.
THE QUEEN. The King has a Cabinet meeting in ten minutes, Mr Vanhattan.
VANHATTAN. I should like to see the faces of your Cabinet ministers, King Magnus, when they hear what I have to tell you.
MAGNUS. So should I. But I am not in a position to tell it to them, because I dont know what it is.
VANHATTAN. The prodigal, sir, has returned to his father’s house. Not poor, not hungry, not ragged, as of old. Oh no. This time he returns bringing with him the riches of the earth to the ancestral home.
MAGNUS [starting from his chair] You dont mean to say—
VANHATTAN [rising also, blandly triumphant] I do, sir. The Declaration of Independence is cancelled. The treaties which endorsed it are torn up. We have decided to rejoin the British Empire. We shall of course enjoy Dominion Home Rule under the Presidency of Mr Bossfield. I shall revisit you here shortly, not as the Ambassador of a foreign power, but as High Commissioner for the gre
atest of your dominions, and your very loyal and devoted subject, sir.
MAGNUS [collapsing into his chair] The devil you will! [He stares haggardly into futurity, now for the first time utterly at a loss].
THE QUEEN. What a splendid thing, Mr Vanhattan!
VANHATTAN. I thought your Majesty would say so. The most splendid thing that has ever happened. [He resumes his seat].
THE QUEEN [looking anxiously at the King] Dont you think so, Magnus?
MAGNUS [pulling himself together with a visible effort] May I ask, Mr Vanhattan, with whom did this—this—this masterstroke of American policy originate? Frankly, I have been accustomed to regard your President as a statesman whose mouth was the most efficient part of his head. He cannot have thought of this himself. Who suggested it to him?
