by Dan Laurence
VANHATTAN. I must accept your criticism of Mr Bossfield with all doo reserve, but I may mention that we Americans will probably connect the good news with the recent visit to our shores of the President of the Irish Free State. I cannot pronounce his name in its official Gaelic form; and there is only one typist in our bureau who can spell it; but he is known to his friends as Mick O’Rafferty.
MAGNUS. The rascal! Jemima: we shall have to live in Dublin. This is the end of England.
VANHATTAN. In a sense that may be so. But England will not perish. She will merge—merge, sir—into a bigger and brighter concern. Perhaps I should have mentioned that one of our conditions will be that you shall be Emperor. King may be good enough for this little island; but if we come in we shall require something grander.
MAGNUS. This little island! “This little gem set in a silver sea!” Has it occurred to you, Mr Vanhattan, that rather than be reduced to a mere appendage of a big American concern, we might raise the old warcry of Sinn Fein, and fight for our independence to the last drop of our blood?
VANHATTAN. I should be right sorry to contemplate such a reversion to a barbarous past. Fortunately, it’s impossible—immpawsibl. The old warcry would not appeal to the cosmopolitan crews of the fleet of the League of Nations in the Atlantic. That fleet would blockade you, sir. And I fear we should be obliged to boycott you. The two thousand million dollars a year would stop.
MAGNUS. But the continental Powers! Do you suppose they would consent for a moment to such a change in the balance of power?
VANHATTAN. Why not? The change would be only nominal.
MAGNUS. Nominal! You call an amalgamation of the British Commonwealth with the United States a nominal change! What will France and Germany call it?
VANHATTAN [shaking his head indulgently] France and Germany? These queer old geographical expressions which you use here from old family habit do not trouble us. I suppose you mean by Germany the chain of more or less Soviet Republics between the Ural Mountains and the North Sea. Well, the clever people at Moscow and Berlin and Geneva are trying to federate them; and it is fully understood between us that if we dont object to their move they will not object to ours. France, by which I take it you mean the Government at New Timgad, is too busy in Africa to fuss about what is happening at the ends of your little Channel Tube. So long as Paris is full of Americans, and Americans are full of money, all’s well in the west from the French point of view. One of the great attractions of Paris for Americans is the excursion to Old England. The French want us to feel at home here. And so we do. Why shouldnt we? After all, we are at home here.
MAGNUS. In what sense, may I ask?
VANHATTAN. Well, we find here everything we are accustomed to: our industrial products, our books, our plays, our sports, our Christian Science churches, our osteopaths, our movies and talkies. Put it in a small parcel and say our goods and our ideas. A political union with us will be just the official recognition of an already accomplished fact. A union of hearts, you might call it.
THE QUEEN. You forget, Mr Vanhattan. We have a great national tradition.
VANHATTAN. The United States, maam, have absorbed all the great national traditions, and blended them with their own glorious tradition of Freedom into something that is unique and universal.
THE QUEEN. We have a civilized culture which is peculiar to ourselves. It may not be better than yours; but it is different.
VANHATTAN. Well, is it? We found that culture enshrined in British material works of art: in the stately country homes of your nobility, in the cathedrals our common forefathers built as the country houses of God. What did you do with them? You sold them to us. I was brought up in the shade of Ely cathedral, the removal of which from the county of Cambridge to New Jersey was my dear old father’s first big professional job. The building which stands on its former site is a very fine one: in my opinion the best example of reinforced concrete of its period; but it was designed by an American architect, and built by the Synthetic Building Materials Trust, an international affair. Believe me, the English people, the real English people who take things as they come instead of reading books about them, will be more at home with us than they are with the old English notions which our tourists try to keep alive. When you find some country gentleman keeping up the old English customs at Christmas and so forth, who is he? An American who has bought the place. Your people get up the show for him because he pays for it, not because it is natural to them.
THE QUEEN [with a sigh] Our own best families go so much to Ireland nowadays. People should not be allowed to go from England to Ireland. They never come back.
VANHATTAN. Well, can you blame them, maam? Look at the climate!
THE QUEEN. No: it is not the climate. It is the Horse Show.
The King rises very thoughtfully; and Vanhattan follows his example.
MAGNUS. I must think over this. I have known for years past that it was on the cards. When I was young, and under the influence of our family tradition, which of course never recognized the rebellion of the American colonies as valid, I actually dreamt of a reunited English speaking empire at the head of civilization.
VANHATTAN. Fine! Great! And now come true.
MAGNUS. Not yet. Now that I am older and wiser I find the reality less attractive than the dream.
VANHATTAN. And is that all I am to report to the President, sir? He will be disappointed. I am a little taken aback, myself.
MAGNUS. For the present, that is all. This may be a great idea—
VANHATTAN. Surely, surely.
MAGNUS. It may also be a trap in which England will perish.
VANHATTAN [encouragingly] Oh, I shouldnt look at it that way. Besides, nothing—not even dear old England—can last for ever. Progress, you know, sir, progress, progress!
MAGNUS. Just so, just so. We may survive only as another star on your flag. Still, we cling to the little scrap of individuality you have left us. If we must merge, as you call it—or did you say submerge ?—some of us will swim to the last. [To the Queen] My dear.
The Queen strikes her gong.
Pamphilius returns.
MAGNUS. You shall hear from me after the Cabinet meets. Not tonight: you must not sit up waiting for a message. Early tomorrow, I hope. Thank you for bringing me the news before the papers got it: that seldom happens now. Pamphilius: you will reconduct his Excellency. Good evening. [He shakes hands].
VANHATTAN. I thank your Majesty. [To the Queen] Good evening, maam. I look forward to presenting myself in court dress soon.
THE QUEEN. You will look very nice in it, Mr Vanhattan. Good evening.
The Ambassador goes out with Pamphilius.
MAGNUS [striding grimly to and fro] The scoundrels! That blackguard O’Rafferty! That booby bullroarer Bossfield! Breakages, Limited, have taken it into their heads to mend the British Commonwealth.
THE QUEEN [quietly] I think it is a very good thing. You will make a very good emperor. We shall civilize these Americans.
MAGNUS. How can we when we have not yet civilized ourselves? They have come to regard us as a mere tribe of redskins. England will be just a reservation.
THE QUEEN. Nonsense, dear! They know that we are their natural superiors. You can see it by the way their women behave at court. They really love and reverence royalty; while our English peeresses are hardly civil—when they condescend to come at all.
MAGNUS. Well, my dear, I do many things to please you that I should never do to please myself; and I suppose I shall end as American Emperor just to keep you amused.
THE QUEEN. I never desire anything that is not good for you, Magnus. You do not always know what is good for you.
MAGNUS. Well, well, well, well! Have it your own way, dearest. Where are these infernal ministers? Theyre late.
THE QUEEN [looking out into the garden] Coming across the lawn with Sempronius.
The Cabinet arrives. The men take off their hats as they come up the steps. Boanerges has taken advantage of the interval
to procure a brilliant uniform and change into it. Proteus, with Sempronius, heads the procession, followed immediately by the two lady ministers. The Queen rises as Proteus turns to her. Sempronius moves the little table quickly back to the balustrade out of the way, and puts the Queen’s chair in the centre for the King.
THE QUEEN [shaking hands] How do you do, Mr Proteus?
PROTEUS. May I present the President of the Board of Trade, Mr Boanerges?
THE QUEEN. I remember seeing you, Mr Boanerges, at the opening of the Transport Workers’ Summer Palace. You wore a most becoming costume then. I hope you have not given it up.
BOANERGES. But the Princess told me I looked ridiculous in it!
THE QUEEN. That was very naughty of the Princess. You looked particularly well in it. However, you look well in anything. And now I leave you all to your labors.
She goes out along the terrace. Sempronius follows with her knitting.
MAGNUS [sitting down]Beseated, ladies and gentlemen.
They take chairs of one sort or another where they can find them, first leaving their hats on the balustrade. When they are seated, their order from the King’s right to his left is Nicobar, Crassus, Boanerges, Amanda, the King, Proteus, Lysistrata, Pliny, and Balbus.
A pause, Proteus waiting for the King to begin. He, deep in thought, says nothing. The silence becomes oppressive.
PLINY [chattily] Nice weather we’re having, these evenings.
AMANDA [splutters]!!!
MAGNUS. There is rather a threatening cloud on the western horizon, Mr Pliny. [To Proteus] Have you heard the news from America?
PROTEUS. I have, sir.
MAGNUS. Am I to be favored with the advice of my ministers on that subject?
PROTEUS. By your Majesty’s leave, we will take the question of the ultimatum first.
MAGNUS. Do you think the ultimatum will matter much when the capital of the British Commonwealth is shifted to Washington?
NICOBAR. We’ll see it shifted to Melbourne or Montreal or Johannesburg first.
MAGNUS. It would not stay there. It will stay at a real centre of gravity only.
PROTEUS. We are agreed about that. If it shifts at all it will shift either west to Washington or east to Moscow.
BOANERGES. Moscow thinks a lot of itself. But what has Moscow to teach us that we cannot teach ourselves ? Moscow is built on English history, written in London by Karl Marx.
PROTEUS. Yes; and the English king has sidetracked you again. [To Magnus] What about the ultimatum, sir? You promised us your decision at five o’clock. It is now a quarter past.
MAGNUS Are you inexorably determined to force this issue to its logical end? You know how unEnglish it is to do that?
PROTEUS. My people came from Scotland.
LYSISTRATA. I wish they had stayed there. I am English: every bone in my body.
BOANERGES [vociferously] Same here!
PROTEUS. God help England if she had no Scots to think for her!
MAGNUS. What does the Cabinet say to that?
AMANDA. All their people came from Scotland or Ireland or Wales or Jerusalem or somewhere, sir. It is no use appealing to English sentiment here.
CRASSUS. Politics are not suited to the English, if you ask me.
MAGNUS. Then I, the only Englishman left in politics, apparently, am to be reduced to complete nullity?
PROTEUS [bluntly] Yes. You cannot frighten us out of our position by painting it red. I could paint your position black if I liked. In plain terms we require from you an unconditional surrender. If you refuse it then I go to the country on the question whether England is to be an absolute monarchy or a constitutional one. We are all agreed on that: there will be no resignations. I have letters from the absent members of the Government: those present will speak for themselves.
ALL THE OTHER MEN. Agreed, agreed.
PROTEUS. Now, what is your answer?
MAGNUS. The day for absolute monarchies is past. You think you can do without me; and I know that I cannot do without you. I decide, of course, in favor of a constitutional monarchy.
THE MEN [greatly relieved and delighted] Hear! hear!
MAGNUS. Wait a moment.
Sudden silence and mistrust.
PROTEUS. So! There is a catch in it, is there?
MAGNUS. Not exactly a catch. But you have driven me to face the fact that I am unfitted to be a constitutional monarch. I am by nature incapable of the necessary self-effacement.
AMANDA. Well, thats true, at all events. You and I are a pair, sir.
MAGNUS. Thank you. Therefore, whilst accepting your constitutional principle without the slightest reserve, I cannot sign your ultimatum, because by doing so I should be making personal promises which I know I should break—which in fact I must break because I have forces within me which your constitutional limits cannot hold in check.
BALBUS. How can you accept our principle if you dont sign the ultimatum?
MAGNUS. Oh, there is no difficulty about that. When an honest man finds himself incapable of discharging the duties of a public post, he resigns.
PROTEUS [alarmed] Resigns! What are you driving at?
CRASSUS. A king cannot resign.
NICOBAR. You might as well talk of beheading yourself. You cant behead yourself.
BOANERGES. Other people can, though.
MAGNUS. Do not let us quarrel about words, gentlemen. I cannot resign. But I can abdicate.
ALL THE REST [starting to their feet] Abdicate! [They stare at him in consternation].
AMANDA [whistling a descending minor scale very expressively] !!!!!!!! [She sits down].
MAGNUS. Of course, abdicate. Lysistrata: you have been a teacher of history. You can assure your colleagues that there is nothing unprecedented in an abdication. The Emperor Charles the Fifth, for instance—
LYSISTRATA. Oh, Charles the Fifth be—be bothered! he’s not good enough. Sir: I have stood by you as far as I dared. Dont throw me over. You must not abdicate. [She sits down, distressed].
PROTEUS. You cannot abdicate except by my advice.
MAGNUS. I am acting upon your advice.
PROTEUS. Nonsense! [He sits down].
BALBUS. Ridiculous! [He sits down].
PLINY. Youre not serious, you know. [He sits down].
NICOBAR. You cant upset the apple cart like this. [He sits down].
CRASSUS. I must say this is not playing the game. [He sits down].
BOANERGES [powerfully] Well, why not? Why not? Though as an old Republican I have no respect for His Majesty as a King, I have a great respect for him as a Strong Man. But he is not the only pebble on the beach. Why not have done with this superstition of monarchy, and bring the British Commonwealth into line with all the other great Powers today as a republic? [He sits down].
MAGNUS. My abdication does not involve that, Mr Boanerges. I am abdicating to save the monarchy, not to destroy it. I shall be succeeded by my son Robert, Prince of Wales. He will make an admirable constitutional monarch.
PLINY. Oh, come! Dont be hard on the lad, sir. He has plenty of brains.
MAGNUS. Oh yes, yes, yes: I did not mean that he is a nonentity: quite the contrary: he is much cleverer than I am. But I have never been able to induce him to take any interest in parliamentary politics. He prefers intellectual pursuits.
NICOBAR. Dont you believe it. He is up to his neck in business.
MAGNUS. Just so. He asks me why I waste my time with you here pretending to govern the country when it is really governed by Breakages, Limited. And really I hardly know how to answer him.
CRASSUS. Things are like that nowadays. My son says just the same.
LYSISTRATA. Personally I get on very well with the Prince; but somehow I do not feel that he is interested in what I am doing.
BALBUS. He isnt. He wont interfere with you as long as you dont interfere with him. Just the right king for us. Not pig-headed. Not meddlesome. Thinks that nothing we do matters a rap. What do you say, Joe?
PROTEUS. After
all, why not? if your Majesty is in earnest.
MAGNUS. I assure you I am very much in earnest.
PROTEUS. Well, I confess I did not foresee this turn of events. But I ought to have foreseen it. What your Majesty proposes is the straightforward, logical, intellectually honest solution of our difficulty. Consequently it is the last solution I could have expected in politics. But I reckoned without your Majesty’s character. The more I think of it the more clearly I see that you are right—that you are taking the only course open to you.
