The Memory of You

by Catherine West

  “I’ve spent a lot of years hanging out with shrinks.” Tears blurred her vision. “But that’s how I feel too. Letting go of Nic, saying that awful night was an accident and nothing more, that frees me from guilt. Why didn’t I die too? I ask myself that a lot. At least I used to. But I’m learning that somehow it doesn’t matter. I need to get over it. I know that, but I haven’t quite figured out how either.”

  “We make quite a pair, huh?” He cradled her face, his stare so intense she felt she would melt under it. He brushed aside her tears with the base of his thumbs. “Maybe we could figure it out together?”

  Natalie lifted her chin slightly. “Maybe.”

  He covered her hand with his. “Somehow I knew you’d understand.”

  Oh, she could love this man.

  Maybe she already did.

  Fresh tears pricked and she blinked them back. “Will the kids’ father take them?”

  Tanner’s mouth turned downward. “I don’t know. Jeni doesn’t even remember Rance. She was barely two when they left Seattle. Jase is just angry. I don’t want that scumbag in their lives. I’ll do everything to make sure he stays out.”

  She recognized the stubborn anger and knew there was no point in explaining that in most cases, the biological father would win if they went to court. “Well. Let’s hope things don’t get ugly.”

  It was getting dark; they needed to go. Natalie held out a hand. “Give me the keys.”

  “What?” The space between his eyes got smaller.

  “I want to drive home. Since we’re working on getting rid of our demons, I figure it’s the perfect opportunity. If I can get us back to Maoilios without turning into a blubbering, incoherent mess, I’ll be one step closer to normalcy.”

  Tanner fished the car keys from his pocket and dropped them into her hand. “And I think I just got a little crazier.”

  “Oh, come on, Mr. Collins.” Natalie flashed a smile. “You like to live on the edge. Get in the car.”

  Natalie drove with hesitation at first. She hadn’t driven since her panic attack on the way back from San Francisco, but slowly, giving herself an internal pep talk the way her doctor had instructed, she gained confidence, loosened her grip on the wheel just a tad, and began to enjoy the drive. Mostly she enjoyed knowing Tanner sat beside her, a satisfied smile set in place.

  Twenty-Five

  TANNER SAT AT HIS DESK IN HIS OFFICE ON THURSDAY MORNING, trying to concentrate. He had to admit, Natalie’s system of tracking their sales and orders made things easier, and he hardly missed his old dinosaur of a computer. Yes, having her around was definitely making life easier. In a lot of ways.

  A grin escaped as he thought about their time on the mountain on Monday. Funny thing was, he hadn’t seen it coming. Over the weekend he’d convinced himself that she was right, they should be friends, nothing more. It was a practical decision and one that made the most sense. Yet by the end of that day, having had more fun with her than he’d intended, he’d known the whole friendship thing just wasn’t going to fly. And the way she’d responded to his kisses told him she felt the same.

  And it was ridiculous.

  What could he possibly offer someone like Natalie Mitchell?

  She was getting calls from her father. He was pressuring her to change her mind, do things his way. He wondered whether she was strong enough for this fight. As much as Tanner didn’t want Bill Mitchell to win, he was beginning to care more about Natalie’s well-being than the future of Maoilios.

  Tanner groaned and scrubbed his face. He couldn’t afford to give away a piece of his heart when there was so little left of it in the first place.

  But . . .

  Get over it, doofus. He could almost hear Jason saying it out loud.

  Sometimes the kid gave great advice.

  Juan Carlos, one of the younger employees in the yard, burst into his office, waving a cell phone. “Tanner! Hubo un accidente—it’s Miguel, come on, man!”

  “What kind of accident?” Tanner bolted after Juan Carlos, sweat slipping down his back. “Did you call Hal?”

  “Sí. He wasn’t at the house but I left a message with Mister Jeff.” They hopped into the truck and Juan Carlos floored it out of the gates of the property. Fifteen minutes later they pulled up to the scene.

  A Maoilios flatbed lay on its side in the ditch. The heady stench of wine permeated the air. Police and ambulance personnel were already there, and Tanner caught sight of Miguel being lifted onto a stretcher.

  “Miguel!” Tanner raced to him, looked him over, and breathed relief when his friend flashed a weak smile.

  “Tanner . . . I don’t know what happened, man. One minute I was driving along, the next I was in the ditch. Man, the wine—”

  “Don’t worry about the wine.” Tanner clasped Miguel’s hand and shook his head. “You hurt? Did you get knocked out?”

  “He was coming around when we got here, conscious but loopy,” one of the paramedics said. “His leg’s broken. His shoulder, too, and we’ll treat him for a concussion.”

  “Tanner?” Sheriff Grimes crooked a finger. Tanner nodded, patted Miguel’s hand as they wheeled him to the waiting ambulance.

  “Hey, Sheriff.” Tanner greeted the older man, his heart still pounding.

  “Sorry about the wreck.”

  “Yeah, well.” He sighed and hooked his thumbs through his belt loops. Tried not to look at the boxes of broken bottles strewn on the field beside him. Flies were already swarming and a couple buzzards inspected the area, flying low, then swooping upward. How many boxes had been in that delivery? Fifty, a hundred? Twelve bottles in each box.

  “Miguel’s okay. That’s what matters.”

  “Yup.” The sheriff scratched his jaw. “If it wasn’t for his Medic-Alert bracelet, I would have done a blood alcohol. His sugars were way low. You know he’s diabetic, right?”

  “Shoot. Yeah.” Tanner set his jaw. “He’s not always the best at checking his levels or taking his insulin. I’ll have a chat with his wife.” This was not what they needed right now, but the damage was done.

  “Okay. Well, we’ll just call it an accident. No other vehicles involved, thank God. And make sure he knows how serious this could have been. I don’t want this to happen again.” He strode off, leaving Tanner with the urge to puke up the three cups of coffee he’d downed that morning.

  Tanner stiffened as he watched Natalie’s car and Hal’s truck park on the side of the road. Hal headed toward the ambulance and Jeffrey and Natalie jumped out of the Jag and headed toward Tanner.

  “Tanner!” Natalie saw him, broke into a run, pulled up short an inch away. “You’re okay.”

  Tanner frowned and dipped his head.

  For a moment there, he’d thought she was about to launch herself at him.

  “Ye-ah. I’m okay.” He scanned her face, caught the fear in her eyes. “I wasn’t driving. It was Miguel.” A completely inappropriate smile tickled his lips at her stricken expression. Tanner put a hand over his mouth and massaged his jaw. She was getting really good at letting her guard down.

  “Oh.” Color rapidly returned to her cheeks. “How is he?”

  “Shaken up, but not too badly injured. Could have been worse.”

  “That’s good. So you’re okay?” Her hands fluttered a little, like she wanted to make sure for herself, and she shoved them in the pockets of her jeans.

  “I’m okay.” Tanner bit his cheek and fought a strong urge to put his arms around her. But with her uncle watching them with obvious interest, he refrained.

  “I’ll go check on Miguel then.”

  Jeffrey cleared his throat as Natalie hightailed it toward the ambulance. “The message we got wasn’t clear. Just that there’d been an accident.”

  “She really thought it was me?” Tanner didn’t have to ask, but Jeffrey’s nonchalant shrug was the confirmation he needed.

  “It would seem so.”

  The guy’s knowing smile irked him, and Tanner bit back a smart
remark. “Well, anyway . . .”

  “What happened?” Jeffrey stalked the area, taking it all in.

  Tanner tried to put thoughts of Natalie out of his head. “Miguel’s diabetic. Apparently his sugars were low; he must have passed out behind the wheel.”

  Jeffrey took off his sunglasses and frowned. “That’s unfortunate. What are you going to do about it?”

  Tanner stared. “I’ll talk to him but there’s not much else I can do. This’ll probably get him to start taking things more seriously.”

  “If you fired him he’d definitely take things more seriously.”

  “Well, that’s not going to happen.” Tanner shoved his hands in his pockets. “It was just an accident.”

  “And what did it cost you?” Jeffrey swept an arm toward the overturned truck and shook his head.

  Tanner tried to ignore the disapproval on the man’s face. “Look, maybe this isn’t how you’d run things, but we’re a family here. I’ll talk to Miguel and make sure it doesn’t happen again. But I won’t fire him.”

  “Fair enough.” Something passed across Jeffrey’s face, regret, sorrow maybe. Tanner didn’t know and didn’t care. Then the man clasped his shoulder and smiled. “I’ll go see where my dad is.” He strolled off and Tanner looked toward the ambulance to see if Natalie was still there.

  Oh no.

  She hadn’t made it past the overturned truck.

  She stood on the side of the road, staring at the wreck, her face gray.

  He got there fast. “Hey, hey. Look at me.” Tanner turned her to face him instead. He slid his arms around her, pulled her close, and felt her trembling.

  “Don’t let go,” she whispered.

  “Not a chance.” He breathed her in, his heart aching.

  “I thought I could handle this.” She stared up at him through wide wet eyes. Then she crumpled against him.

  Tanner held tight and rested a hand on the back of her head. “It’s okay, Natalie, nobody got hurt. You listening to me?”

  Slowly she lifted her head, fear still stamped across her face. “Is he really okay?”

  “Yes. A few injuries. Nothing life threatening.”

  “Okay. And I’m glad that you weren’t—” She jumped as the ambulance wailed off. Her nerves had to be shot. “Has anyone called Iliana?” She disengaged herself from him and did a remarkable job of pulling it together.

  Tanner checked his cell. “I don’t know. She teaches at Jason’s school. I’ll see if I can get hold of her. I should probably get down there and drive her to the hospital.”

  “She’ll be upset. I’ll come with you.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.” Natalie glanced backward, and he watched a shudder rip through her. “How many cases did we lose?”

  “I was trying to remember. I’ll have to check the inventory.” Tanner hesitated and shifted his gaze under her stare.

  “A significant loss?”

  She was good. He clenched his jaw, put a hand under her elbow, and directed her toward his truck. “We’ll make up for it.” They’d better. Or Bill Mitchell just might get his way after all.

  Natalie and Tanner waited with Iliana until Miguel was moved from the ER to a room upstairs. David arrived, and Natalie stood in a corner of the room listening to him pray with Miguel and Iliana. Hal and Jeffrey stood on the other side of the bed. Her grandfather’s head was bowed. Jeffrey studied his cell phone.

  Tanner stared out the window, stance stiff, arms crossed against his chest, his mouth tight. One dirty boot tapped quietly against the shiny linoleum floor. She could see that he wanted to be anywhere else but in this room.

  She’d almost thrown herself at him in relief when she’d realized that he was safe. A stupid lapse in self-control. The last thing they needed was for her uncle and grandfather to get wind of the shift in their relationship. Besides that, Natalie wasn’t ready to figure out her feelings for Tanner Collins.

  She had enough to deal with.

  Natalie let herself out of the room while they prayed and wandered the halls of the hospital. She intended to make her way downstairs and wait outside. Everything here brought back horrific memories. The sight of her sister, life gone from her, cleaned up and waiting alone in a single room as they all traipsed in to say good-bye . . .

  The image quickened her pace and heightened her need to leave the building.

  As she reached the elevator, an overhead sign caught her eye.

  Chapel.

  Natalie pressed the Down button and waited. Her eyes lifted to the sign again. Frustration kicked against some inexplicable force that drew her toward the two wooden doors at the end of the hallway.

  “What do You want from me?” she murmured.

  Inside the chapel, the air was cool, the room lit with soft light from half globes positioned along the walls. About twelve wooden pews with red cushions led up to an altar, a large gold cross atop it.

  Natalie’s breath hissed out of her like air released from a tire.

  She took a seat in the front pew, clutched her elbows, and battled an overwhelming urge to sink to her knees.

  She was so tired of feeling alone. Feeling helpless. Trapped in the life she’d thought would make her happy. Or, at the very least, make her parents happy. From the moment Nicole died, Natalie’s feelings no longer mattered. She no longer mattered.

  Except perhaps to God.

  “You know what I’ve done,” she whispered. “How can I accept what You want to give me?”

  Mercy. Forgiveness. Love.

  Redemption.

  Lately, when sleep stayed away, Natalie padded through the darkened house, crept downstairs, and spent time in her grandfather’s study. Over the past few weeks, she’d read more books on faith than she’d known existed. At first she’d picked up a couple of titles by sheer curiosity. Mere Christianity, The Pursuit of God, The Case for Christ . . . She’d read each at least twice, looking up quotes in the Bible Laura had given her. She’d found a couple of authors whose words resonated. Spoke to her soul. And she could no longer refute the message.

  Yet something still held her back.

  She leaned her head against the hard pew, released the stress of the day, and let the tears trail down her cheeks. A peace surrounded her, sheltered her, and waited for her to claim it. Perhaps God understood her hesitation. Expected it. If there were no coincidences, as her grandfather was so fond of saying, then her reluctance to fully commit was no surprise to Him.

  She wondered what a new life filled with purpose and meaning might look like. Or would she continue to live her life like a ship sailing with no particular port in mind.

  The doors creaked open, but Natalie didn’t move. Didn’t open her eyes when she heard steps thudding down the aisle, stopping at her pew. And didn’t dare move at the sound of Tanner’s long sigh as he lowered himself beside her and slid an arm around her shaking shoulders.

  “Hal and Jeffrey went home. I thought you might have taken off, but Jeff had your keys. He took your car. I told them I’d find you and bring you home.”

  “Sorry.” Natalie sniffed and wiped her eyes. “I just couldn’t stay in there. Didn’t mean to worry anyone.”

  “No.” He slipped his fingers through her hair and massaged the back of her neck. “You never do.”

  Natalie gave an involuntary shiver. “How did you know where to find me?”

  “A hunch.” Strong fingers deepened their pressure and forced her tight muscles to relax. “You getting any answers?”

  “Not yet.” She smiled and leaned into his touch. “Does God really care about us, Tanner? Does He love us more than we can ever comprehend?”

  His hands moved to her shoulders and he pressed, working out the kinks. “Yes. I believe that. I don’t always act like it, or understand it, but I can’t dispute it.”

  Natalie propped her elbows on her knees, her eyes burning. She could tell him the whole story now, see what he would do with it. But she didn’t have that courage. />
  “Since coming to California, I can’t stop thinking about the night of the accident.” It was as close to the truth as she was willing to get. “I don’t know how to get past it, Tanner.”

  He stopped the pressure of his fingers and sat back, one hand warm against her back. “I know that feeling all too well, Mouse.”

  She turned her head, her eyes catching his. “You do, don’t you?”

  Tanner didn’t say anything for a long moment. His eyes misted over and he chewed his lip, finally reached for her hand. “I need to go see my sister. Make my peace.”

  “What happened wasn’t your fault. Get rid of that guilt, Tanner. Say good-bye knowing you’re free of it.”

  “Come with me.”

  Natalie shook her head, her heart breaking for him. “You have to do this on your own. Don’t wait. Don’t make any more excuses. Just go.”

  He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. “All right. Tomorrow morning then.”

  “If my prayers will make a difference, you’ll have them.”

  He smiled and wiped his cheeks. “They will.”

  “I guess you won’t really be alone after all, will you?” Warmth she couldn’t explain flooded her as she spoke the words.

  Tanner pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. “No, I won’t. Thanks for the reminder. Come on, let’s get out of here.”

  The next morning Tanner stood beside Marnie’s bed. He’d wanted to argue with Natalie last night, put this off again. But as usual, she was right. Tanner sensed it the moment he’d walked in here.

  It was time.

  Tanner pulled up a chair, reached for Marnie’s limp hand, and held it in his. “I guess this is it, huh?” He sniffed, ignoring his tears. He sat awhile before he could speak again. “I’m sorry, Marn. I should have listened to you that night. Should have come to get you.” He gave a deep, shuddering sigh. “But I didn’t. And I have to live with that. But something tells me you’d want me to get over it, to move on.”

  “Hold a grudge much, Tanner?” Marnie grinned and tapped his foot with hers.

  The summer night was warm, and they sat out on the deck, sipping wine and catching up. Marnie was having a good month and Tanner was glad. Life was so much easier on them all when she stayed on her meds. He didn’t know how long it would last. In the three years since she’d moved back to Sonoma, he’d lost count how many times he’d gone out looking for her, finding her in one bar or another, sometimes not finding her at all.