by Lynda Aicher
Her burst of laughter flushed away the nerves to let the relief flow in. She lifted to kiss him again, a touch of lips that held so much more than her love. With it was the hope she’d shut down long ago.
Yet…
She took his hand and led him to the couch, needing to sit for the next part. She perched on the edge, his hand clasped tightly in hers, his strength keeping her sturdy. That was when she belatedly noticed his red, swollen knuckles. The fight.
Her head jerked up, eyes narrowing as she scrutinized his face. There was a pale bruise on the underside of his jaw, hidden beneath the stubble. Was it also from last night?
She ran a finger beneath his knuckles, careful to avoid the swollen area. “Do they hurt?”
His dismissive shrug was exactly what she’d expected. “It’s not that bad.”
“Why’d you do it? The fight? I mean, I understand the purpose of the message you were sending to Erikson, but why you? How come Feeney didn’t take care of it?” That was one of the questions debated around the room when she’d finally returned to watch the game.
“Rylie’s like a brother,” he said, direct without hesitation. “He’s been a good friend, and last night I needed to repay that friendship before he took it upon himself to do something stupid.”
“So you were stupid for him?”
His laugh was deep and short. “I guess.” He flexed his hand in hers, his smile lazy. “It’s part of the code. I had his back.” His shrug was stiffer this time. “Like he had mine all week.”
All week. After she’d hurt him.
The implications heaped another dose of guilt on her and fired the burn in her stomach. There was going to be a huge hole in her gut soon if she didn’t stop worrying. But then the cancer was already eating away, doing just that.
Damn it. Her hand flexed around his, nerves racing back to clutch at her will. Would he stay with her out of some obligation or unknown “code” too? She had to tell him though, no matter what happened after.
“I think it’s back,” she whispered, focusing on their hands, heart racing to the note of her speeding anxiety. “The cancer.” She glanced up, measured his flat expression and looked back down. “I understand if this isn’t what you signed up for and I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay with me. That’s why I let you go. I can’t stand the thought of dragging you through—”
He cut her off with another hard kiss, a firm hand to her nape holding her still until she let the tension leave her muscles. She slumped against him when he let her go, face snug in the crook of his neck. His scent filled her as his arms surrounded her.
“Is that what you think?” he said, a rawness to his voice that hammered at her mighty pile of guilt. “That I’m that shallow or callous?”
“What?” She jerked up, head shaking. “No. Not at all.”
“I love you, Jacqui.” Each word was spoken with measured intent that matched his eyes. “Am I scared of losing you? Yes. But I’m tired of hiding.” His kiss was brief and tender. “And I want you, whatever that means and everything that comes with it. For however long it lasts. I want you. I’m not leaving you. No matter what’s ahead.”
The tears tore up her throat and welled in her eyes before she could hold them back. Damn it. She’d sworn she wouldn’t cry, no matter his response. She’d prepped herself and sworn she’d be stoic. But this, the love and truth she saw in everything he said, it was too much. So much more than she’d dared to wish for.
Relief. She hadn’t anticipated the crush of pure relief that shoved away the festering fear that came with the burden of cancer. He was here for her. He would be there to hold her strong. She could fight with him. Would fight it with him.
Her lip quivered and she bit it to hold it still. “Thank you,” she croaked, reaching to swipe at the tears rolling down her cheeks, but he beat her to it, thumbs catching the wetness before he claimed her lips again.
The kiss wove through her, found every crevice of resistance and filled it with his love. Soft and tender, it was the side of him so few got to see, and she treasured it even more. How could she possibly have thought of giving this up? Him up?
The cancer.
The lead bomb of reality slammed back in to remind her of the other reason why she’d come here. She broke the kiss with a soft peck and brush of her lips. She took both of his hands in hers, grip tight on the uninjured one.
“I have an appointment in an hour for more tests.” His hands flexed around hers, but his expression remained neutral. “I was wondering if you’d come with me. There’s not much you can do, but—”
“I’m there,” he cut her off, answer firm. “Let me jump in the shower and we can go.”
“I understand if you have practice.”
“It’s a day off.” He kissed her temple as he stood. “It wouldn’t matter anyway. You’re more important.”
“No.” She vaulted up, adamant on this point. “Your career is just as important. I won’t let you jeopardize it for me.”
He stared at her, frowning. “That’s my call, not yours.”
“No, it’s not. You can’t stop your life because of mine.” There were too many people who’d already done that. Her brothers, who’d all bypassed college. Her parents, who still worked to pay her medical bills. She refused to add him to the list.
His face softened into something close to wistfulness. “And what if I’m not stopping it but finally living it?”
Now she was confused. “I don’t understand.”
“Let me ask you something,” he countered. “Why don’t you play in a band?”
She almost flinched at the touchy question, but she had her stock response ready. “I don’t have time. Between work and school, there’s no room for one right now.”
“But you’re going to school for a performance degree, right?” She nodded, slow and hesitant about where he was going. “What do you plan to do when you graduate?”
“I don’t know.” She hadn’t let herself think that far. “It might not matter.”
“Then we’ll figure it out together.” His calm reassurance wasn’t what she’d expected. Nor his easy dismissal of the subject. He kissed her quickly and took off toward the bedroom. “I’ll be out in five.”
Her legs buckled the second he was out of sight. She dropped to the couch, head landing in her hands. They’ll figure it out together—six months from now. He was planning on both of them being around that long. Of them still being together. That was terrifying and exhilarating.
She blew out a shaky breath and sent up a silent prayer for a miracle. She’d been granted two before. Was there any chance she’d get a third?
But if she was going to get one, why would that same entity give her cancer again in the first place?
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“I’m not sure how long this will take,” Jacqui told Henrik.
He squeezed her hand, her fingers still chilled despite his firm grip on them. “I’m fine,” he reassured her for the tenth time. He kissed her temple, willing his support into her. Her fretting over him meant she wasn’t focusing on her tests, and he could deal with that.
She nodded, lip tucking between her teeth as she stared at her lap. She was going to nibble her lip off if she didn’t stop the nervous habit. He tapped her chin, sliding his hand up her cheek to urge her to look at him.
The stark fear was clear in her eyes, the deep brown showing what she usually kept hidden from him. He knew there was strength in there too though. A strong will and determination she just needed to remember. He’d help her remember.
“We’ll get through this,” he promised, meaning every word. “No matter what happens, you have me now. I’m not leaving you.” He pressed another kiss to her forehead, holding it until he was certain his voice was steady. “I love you. I’ve never said that to a girlfriend and I don’t use the words lightly.” He shifted back to study her reaction, heart hitching at the tears shimmering in her eyes. “Nothing is going to change that.”
>
She sniffed, blew out a breath, blinking rapidly before a rough chuckle tumbled out. “Damn you, Henrik.” She wiped at her eyes and dug out a tissue. “You’re not supposed to make me cry.”
His smile grew from deep within his chest, heart bursting with the depth of his commitment to her and the love he swore he’d cherish along with her. Her false anger was just one more thing for her to focus on instead of the threatening cloud hanging over her.
“Jacqui?” a nurse called from an open doorway.
Jacqui stood, stuffed the tissue in her pocket, movements precise.
He rose, enfolding her in his arms for a last hug. “I’ll be here when you’re done.”
Her single nod was firm, determination coming over her expression when she smiled up at him. “Thank you.”
She went to the nurse, back straight, chin up. The door closed and he stood there, thoughts churning through his own actions. His convictions had solidified the second he’d opened his door that morning to find Jacqui standing there. Her cancer threat was only one more reason to back up his motives, but it wasn’t the driving factor.
He’d have to ensure she understood that. That everyone did.
A glance around the waiting room showed a possible glimpse into his—their—future. A woman with a scarf covering her head. A man forcing down a chalky-looking drink like Jacqui had downed an hour ago. More people waiting, worried, wondering what their future held.
A smile formed at the thought of her indignation over him missing a practice or ruining his career. She didn’t care about the clout his pro hockey player status brought. No, she was truly worried about him and the impact her illness had on others.
He left their coats on the chairs and strode into the hallway. The building was fairly empty, a lot of the offices closed for the long holiday weekend. He found a quiet spot by a window overlooking the parking lot and started in on his calls.
His agent answered on the third ring, a clipped “Roller” offered as greeting.
“Patrick.” Henrik took a deep breath, certainty filling him with a confidence he’d faked for so long it was shockingly powerful to have the real deal settle in. “We need to set up a meeting with the Glaciers. Tomorrow.”
“Wait a minute.” The serious note from his agent was followed by a shuffling and muffled “excuse me.” Another round of background noise intruded before it faded away. “Okay,” Patrick came back, all business. “Is this about the fight? I haven’t heard of any unexpected fines coming down. Are the Glaciers reacting badly to it for some fucked-up reason?”
“No,” Henrik reassured him. His reflection peered back at him in the glass, a faint image of a man he was only starting to be proud of. He tucked his free hand in his pants pocket, pulse remarkably normal. “We need to define my retirement plans.”
“Your what?” The man’s sputtered exclamation only widened Henrik’s smile. “What are you talking about? There’s two years left on your contract.”
“I’m aware of that and it doesn’t matter. This will be my last season.”
“What?” The stunned shock came through the phone. “Now wait a minute. We need to talk about this. I don’t know what’s going on, but whatever issues you’re having, we can work them out. You’re still strong, playing great. There is no reason for you to retire. If you’re unhappy with the Glaciers, I’ll get working on a trade. There are a lot of clubs who’d love to have you.”
“No.” The simple word was empowering. “This has nothing to do with the Glaciers organization. I’m very happy there. This is a personal decision.”
“Henrik.” The tone had switched to a pained plea with the use of his first name. Like most of the people who knew him through hockey, Patrick rarely used it. “Let’s talk about this. Tell me what’s going on.”
Patrick was a decent guy. He’d always respected Henrik’s demands when it’d come to contracts. He could’ve gotten more money—had had offers with more money—from other teams after his entry level contract had expired with the Glaciers, but Henrik’s allegiance to that team had already formed. He hadn’t wanted to move from the Glaciers, and money had zero influence over him. Some agents wouldn’t have stuck with him after that, and he’d always been grateful that Patrick had. Loyalty was another bond of family, even extended family.
“I need to do something else with my life,” he tried to explain. “Something I’ve ignored for too long. Hockey has never been my first love and—” he inhaled, absorbing the truth one more time, “—it’s time I let it go. I won’t abandon the team mid-season, but I have other things I need to do once this season is done.”
“Like what?” Patrick demanded, frustration sharpening his voice. “You’re giving me nothing here. Do you know what kind of fallout there’ll be? You can’t walk out on a contract for no reason without consequences. Financial and personal.”
“I’m aware of that, and you know money has never been a factor for me.” He had his parents to thank for that. His father and mother definitely weren’t perfect but they’d given him the luxury of wealth and the relief from the financial burdens that limited most people. Their own version of love. He saw that now. Understood it even.
“Jesus Christ, Roller. You’re killing me.”
“I’m sorry about that.” He really was. It wasn’t his intention to hurt anyone, yet he wasn’t going to stay in hockey to make other people happy. “I’m going to talk to Benning and Coach O tomorrow after practice. I know it’s short notice, so I can conference you in if you can’t be here in person. It’ll be easier if I can explain everything once.”
A string of low curses followed, which made Henrik smile even more. Not about angering the man, but for himself and standing strong on what he wanted. This was going to happen his way.
Patrick agreed to fly in for the meeting and said he’d arrange it with the necessary people. “At your expense, of course.”
“Of course.” Henrik was just happy to have that part of the process handled.
His next call was to Vanessa. His expectations were undefined on how she’d take the news.
“Henrik,” she answered smooth and clear. “Your social media hits are through the roof after last night’s fight. Nice move on revenging Rylie, but I’m sure Coach O wasn’t so pleased.”
He couldn’t stop the quiet laugh that spilled out. “Not very.” The seventeen minutes he’d spent in the box for the minor, major and misconduct penalties had left Coach O beyond pissed off.
“So what can I do for you on this day off?”
Her subtle hint wasn’t missed and he normally wouldn’t bother his agent or her on what most people outside of retail considered a holiday. “I just told my agent I’ll be retiring at the end of this season. He’s arranging a meeting tomorrow with the Glaciers to work out the details and contract issues.” He paused a beat for a reaction but got none. “I’d like you to be at the meeting too.”
There was a long silence. “What’s going on?”
The lack of judgment or opinion in her question brought his smile back. “It’s time to do something else with my life.”
“Like what?”
He debated dodging the question like he’d done with Patrick, but he was counting on her to put a positive spin on his next move. She needed the details to do that.
“Hockey’s been good to me. It’s something I was good at and it’s taken me a long way. But I don’t breathe and live it like most of the guys, and it’s time I do what I really love.” He took a deep breath and plowed on, purposely keeping Jacqui and her illness out of it. “I’m a classically trained pianist. Music is where my heart is, and I need to give it the attention it deserves.”
“So you’re leaving hockey to play music?” Again, there was no judgment it her tone.
“Yes.” Damn it felt good to say that. His chest expanded with pride. “I want to play again and…” He debated the next bit then threw it in, hoping she’d understand. “I found someone I want to build a family with. I don’t wan
t to be committed to a demanding sport with a grueling schedule for eight to ten months of the year. I want to be home at night and wake up next to her in the morning. Every morning. I’m thinking you’ll understand that.”
He tracked the cars moving in and out of the parking lot below. Even if she didn’t understand, he was paying her to spin it so everyone else did.
“You surprised me yet again,” she finally said. “It’s a bold move and not one most people would make, but I can work with this. You’ve had a solid career, and your departure isn’t vindictive.” Her tone went from professional to confident as she talked it out. “I’ll have the women swooning and the men admiring before I’m done with this.”
“There’s one more thing,” he added, the first hint of unease unfurling in his chest. “Two actually. First, I’m working on something for tomorrow night that I hope will do a damn good job of explaining my decision. I’ll get you what I can when I have it finalized. I’m also hoping you and Hauke can be there along with a majority of the guys from the team.”
“What are you planning?” There was the curiosity.
“I’ll let you know if I can make it work.” He deliberately brushed it off and went on to the second item. The one his agent didn’t need to know about. “Jacqui is currently having tests run for cancer.” Vanessa’s soft gasp was the most emotion she’d expressed the entire call. “My decision to leave hockey has very little to do with that, but it does impact it. What I don’t want is for people to think it’s the main reason, because it’s not. Yes, I want to be here for her, but I want that whether she has cancer or not.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you, but it’s not your fault.” It wasn’t anybody’s fault, least of all Jacqui’s. “Jacqui doesn’t need the burden of thinking I left hockey because of her illness when it’s not why I’m leaving. I don’t want the press to spin it that way either.”
“All right. Get me the details for the meeting and your other mystery project as soon as you can.” There was a short pause. “And Henrik? Let us know if there is anything Holden and I can do. We’re here for you.”
