Zane has been worried and up my ass about every little thing; I need to eat more, I need to bond more with EJ, I need to sleep more, I just need to be more. Well, he can just go fuck himself. He has no idea how I’m feeling. I’d like to see him carry what he thought was one baby for eight months, but it turns out it was actually two, pass out from severe pain and blood loss, wake up from a coma four days later, and find out that you delivered two babies. On top of all that, one of them is so small and under-developed she can’t come home with you when you’re finally released from the hospital. Then try to bond with the baby that is healthy and there with you, while feeling like a failure and horrible mother. Then feel even worse because you’re not bonding with the baby you have at home. Yeah, life sucks right now, but today will hopefully make it better. Today, Harley gets to come home. And with her, I hope my normalcy. I don’t want to not want to be with my son. I love him, but it’s just not the same without my daughter.
Walking down the stairs, I see Zane and Mack talking by the door and EJ sleeping in his bassinette in the living room. Heading into the kitchen, I make myself a cup of coffee, then walk over to where Mack and Zane are talking in hushed voices.
“Morning. When are we leaving to go get Harley?” I ask, anxious to get to the hospital. Then I look at Mack. “You staying here with EJ while Zane and I go pick up our girl?” I know it sounds bad, but I would rather not take him with us. I want to be able to give all my attention to my little girl. Plus, EJ doesn’t need to be taken places that he’s not really needed. He’s only two weeks old.
Mack and Zane look at each other before looking back at me. “Actually, Baby Girl, Mack is going to go with me to the hospital to get Harley so you can stay at home with EJ.”
I have no idea what to say at first. I’m shocked and a little confused. Why wouldn’t I go? Why do I need to stay here with EJ when Mack could just as easily do that? But then I get pissed. How fucking dare he tell me I can’t go to pick up my daughter from the hospital?
“Excuse me?” I ask, trying to keep my voice down as to not wake EJ. I may feel like a shitty mother, but I’m trying to be good, so that’s got to count for something, right?
“Dani, I just think that you should stay here. Rest and spend some time with EJ. You’ve barely held him since we’ve been home. With Harley coming home today, you should get all the rest and time in with EJ as you can, because soon we’ll have two infants in the house,” Zane reasons. And yeah, I can see his point, but I don’t want to stay with EJ. I want to go get my daughter.
Then Mack speaks. “Dani, I know you’re going through something, and I can even understand it. After everything that happened, you have a right to be all out of sorts. But I think you’ve had enough time to deal. You are a mother of two, not a mother of one. Spend the time with your son and when we get back, you’ll have your daughter in your arms.” I shake my head, trying to come up with something to get them to understand. I feel like they think I don’t like my son. That’s not the case, though. I just don’t know how to act without my other baby being here too. I feel like she’s being cheated or something.
“Plus, one of the nurses is stopping by to make sure your incision is healing all right and that EJ is adjusting well,” Zane says, just building more of a case for me to stay here.
“Why can’t they just check me out at the hospital?” I ask, though there is no force behind my words, I’m merely speaking now. I’ll be staying home with my son while Zane and Mack go to get my daughter.
“Baby Girl, please. Just try to understand. It’s easier this way and I really think you need this time with our boy. Alone.” I do nothing but nod my head. There’s no way they’ll change their mind so what’s the point?
Zane kisses me on the lips and whispers “I love you” before he walks out the door. Next, Mack takes me in his arms and holds me for a few moments. “You’re a great mother, Dani, you just need to realize it.” He kisses my head and follows Zane out to the truck and they drive away.
I close the door and walk into the living room. Looking into the bassinette at my sleeping baby boy, I try to find it in me to understand and take what they’ve said to heart, but I can only think about my daughter coming home without her mother there. She’ll take her first car ride without me. Wear her first outfit home without me. Walk through the doors to our home for the first time without me. So many firsts that I’ve already missed, now I’ll be missing more.
EJ’s cry breaks me out of my thoughts. Looking at him, he’s flailing his arms and kicking his legs and screaming. I have no idea what he wants and that scares me to my core. Have I really been so far out of it that I have no idea what my son wants or needs?
Finally understanding what Mack and Zane where saying, I decide right there that I need to be better—for both of my children. They deserve so much more from me.
When I first found out I was pregnant and after the initial shock and fear had passed, I told myself that my son or daughter would have what I never had. They would have a loving mother who would be around as long as possible and a father who would do anything for them. We would never leave them and would always make sure they were loved and cared for.
Now I’m not saying that my life was complete shit because my mother died and my father left, because that’s not true at all. I had my grandmother and she was the most amazing, caring woman I ever knew. But I want more for my children.
With new purpose, I pick EJ up and cradle him to my chest. “Shh. It’s okay, baby. Mommy’s here,” I say in a low voice as to not startle him. “I’m so sorry for the way I’ve acted, but I promise, Mommy will make it right.” Walking into the kitchen, I make him a bottle and sit down to feed him. This feels right, for the first time since I came home, this finally feels right. With my baby in my arms and looking into his eyes as I feed him, I finally feel like I can do this.
After he finishes his bottle, I change his diaper and rock him to sleep. Just as I’m laying him down in his bassinette, the doorbell rings. Shit, I almost forgot about the nurse stopping by.
Checking first to make sure EJ didn’t wake up, I make my way to the door. Opening it up, I see one of the nurses that was in the nursery with EJ while he was there. “Hello, come in,” I say, opening the door wider and motioning her inside.
“Thanks,” she says, almost too cheery.
We both walk into the living room and she notices EJ right away, fast asleep. I clear my throat, trying to get her attention so we can get this done. I’d like to change and clean up the house a bit before Zane and Mack get back with Harley.
When she looks at me, she looks pissed that I’ve interrupted her staring at my son. Well, you can fuck right the hell off. This is my house. You’re here to check me out and then leave, not ogle my son. “You’re here to check my incision, right?” I say, trying to direct this little get-together.
“Yes, of course. Do you have any bandages left over in case when I take your old one off I need to replace it?” I find it odd that she didn’t come prepared, but decide to just go get the first-aid kit so she can be done with this and leave.
I make it halfway upstairs, but then realize that I never put it away after Zane changed my bandage yesterday, so it’s still in the kitchen. Turning around, I head back downstairs, but when I walk past the living room, I hear something that stops my heart and makes my blood run cold.
“It’s okay, my darling boy. Mommy’s here now and I won’t let that mean old woman near you ever again,” the nurse says to EJ while she holds him close to her chest and rocks him back and forth.
Chapter 17
Picking Up Harley
Zane
The drive to the hospital is silent. I can’t help but think I’m not doing the right thing with Dani. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to leave her alone with EJ when she so clearly didn’t want to be there. But how else is she going to bond with our son? She’s been so distant since we got home, even while we were still at the hospital now that I think of it. I unde
rstand where she’s coming from, it about ripped my heart out to leave that day without my little girl too, but that’s what she needed at that time. She wasn’t strong enough to come home yet, but she is now.
Getting out of the truck, Mack and I walk inside together. “You ready for this?” he asks as we make our way to the elevators.
“More than ready,” is all I say, needing to add nothing more. I can’t wait to bring Harley home and finally have my family under one roof.
When we make it upstairs, I can see the nurses getting Harley dressed and ready to go for me. They’ve all become very attached to her and I’m sure they’re sad to see her go, but they’re all so excited as well. My little girl is ready to start her life at home.
Walking through the doors, I make my way over to the nurses and my daughter without stopping for anything. “How’s Daddy’s girl today? Are you ready to go home?” I ask, then lean down and kiss her head.
She’s gained a lot of weight over the last week so her face is filling out and she doesn’t look so small anymore. She’s still not as big as her brother, but I know she’ll get there.
“She’s been a happy little girl today. I think she knew what today was,” the nurse says, smiling and laughing.
Once the nurse has her dressed, I take Harley from her. At first, I was so afraid to hold her; she was so small and had all those wires and tubes attached to her. But since they’ve taken everything off and she’s grown a little, I can’t put her down. She’s definitely Daddy’s princess and she’s going to be spoiled rotten. They both are.
“I’ll go grab the paperwork, then you can be on your way. I know how excited you all must be to take her home, though we’re going to miss her.” She doesn’t wait for me to say anything, not like I was going to anyway, before she walks over to the nurses’ station inside the nursery to gather everything we’ll need to sign Harley out and take her home.
Mack comes over and runs his hand down the top of her head and her back. “Hello, sweet girl. Papa can’t wait for you to come home. We’ve got a big party planned tonight for you and your brother. All your uncles are excited to meet you.” None of my brothers have been able to do anything besides look at her through the glass of the NICU. Only parents, siblings, and grandparents are allowed in so they’re chomping at the bit to officially meet her, hold her.
The nurse comes over and has me sign about a hundred papers, then she gathers up some diapers and wipes, puts some formula in the diaper bag, and removes Harley’s identification bracelets. “All right. She’s all ready to go,” the nurse says.
I motion for Mack to bring over the car seat we brought in from the truck and put it on the floor so I can get her strapped in. Fuck, why do they have to make these things so fucking small? Don’t they know that it’s hard for men to buckle this shit?
Finally getting her strapped in with a little help from the nurse, we are ready to go. “Okay, Harley. Tell all these nice nurses goodbye,” I say, walking to the door.
“Bye, sweetie,” a few of the nurses say.
We make it almost to the door when I remember what I was going to ask before leaving. Turning around, I speak to the nurse that helped me get Harley together. “I forgot to ask the nurse when she called about the home visit with Dani and EJ today, but could we set up a time with the doctor? Cervical cancer runs in Dani’s family, her mother died a few years after having her. I’d like to make sure Dani is in the clear.”
The nurse opens her mouth to answer me, but then snaps it shut. She has a look of confusion on her face. “Home visit? We don’t do home visits. Dani was supposed to be here this morning, but she didn’t show up. We just thought it was because today was a big day, with Harley coming home and all. We can for sure set something up though to get her checked out. When you reschedule her appointment, just mention it,” she says. Her words cause ice to run through my veins.
Someone had called me to say they would come to Dani so she wouldn’t have to make the trip. Someone who I now know was lying. Fuck, I need to get home! Looking at Mack, I see that he’s thinking the same thing I am. Something’s wrong.
Handing Harley over to him, I open the door. “Call Toby. Have someone pick you and Harley up and take you to the clubhouse and send Louie to the house. Now!” I don’t wait for him to reply, I just run down the hall to the stairs and sprint down to the parking lot. I need to get to Dani and EJ.
***
I stop a block away from the house and see Louie just getting off his bike. “What the fuck is going on? Toby didn’t say anything besides Dani was in trouble and to meet you here stat,” Louie asks, his face filled with anger and his body tight with tension.
“I got a call that a nurse was stopping by for a home visit, but when I picked Harley up today, they said they don’t do home visits. Something’s going on, but I have no idea what.” We make our way quickly but quietly down the block to my house.
I see a grey car parked on the side of the street in front of our house but I can’t tell whose it is. Looking in the window, I see nothing that stands out besides what looks like a brand new infant car seat in the back and the box for it sitting on the floor on the other side.
Motioning for Louie to go around one side of the house, I make my way around the other, ducking low and peeking into the windows as I go along, trying to determine who is inside with Dani and my son, but not seeing anything.
I make it to the back of the house just as Louie is rounding the other side. “See anything?” I ask him in a low voice.
“No, you?” he asks. I shake my head and walk over to the back door. Trying the knob, I thank God that it’s not locked. Any other day and I’d be pissed about this fact, but today, I’m grateful.
Quietly pushing the door open, we step inside and listen.
Hearing voices coming from the living room, we quietly make our way through the house, but stop when we hear a struggle and then a gunshot rings out. Not caring anymore about stealth, I break into a run to get to my girl and son.
Chapter 18
You Are Not His Mother
Dani
“What are you doing?” I ask, making myself visible to the nurse. I have no idea if I heard her correctly, but the vibe I’m getting now isn’t good. And I don’t like the way she’s holding my son and looking at him like he’s her own. Yeah, I definitely heard her right. This bitch is fucking crazy. And a fucking dead woman for coming into my house and trying to take my son away from me. He’s mine.
She jumps at the sound of my voice, but turns around to face me, still holding EJ. At first she looks like she’s going to try to cover up what I’m pretty sure she said, but then a look of hatred overtakes her face and it’s game over. “You fucking heard me, bitch. He’s mine and I’m not going to let you have him.”
I step forward, not really sure what I’m going to do because she’s still holding EJ, I just know I need to get closer to her. I need her to put him down so I can get rid of her—any way I can.
“Okay, look. Why don’t you put him down? He’s sleeping anyway, and we can talk about this.” I try to reason with her, at least until EJ is out of the way and safe, but she’s not having any of that.
“You think I’m fucking stupid? As soon as I put him down, you’ll come at me, and I can’t have that. My son needs me.” This girl is delusional. How did she ever get a job at the hospital in the first place? Then I start to wonder if this is the first time she’s done this. Oh my God, this is bad. Where the hell is Zane? He should be here by now.
I take another small step forward and hold up my hands in a show of surrender. “I’m not going to do anything, I promise. Let’s just talk about this. Maybe we can come up with a solution that’s best for everyone, including EJ.” Something I said must have been wrong because she turns irate and starts screaming.
“Don’t fucking call him that! His name is Timothy, not EJ!” Her yelling wakes EJ up and he starts crying. I don’t know what to do! If I try to move closer, there’s no telling what
she might do. But I can’t just sit here while she has my son and he’s scared and in danger of being hurt.
“Okay, okay. I understand. Please, just stop yelling. You’re scaring him.” That makes her stop and look down at him. Then she starts to rock him in her arms.
“Oh, Mommy’s sorry, Timothy. I didn’t mean to yell. Don’t cry.”
EJ settles down a little bit, but he’s still upset. Knowing I need to do something fast, I try another route, though she’s wary of me so it probably won’t work. But I need to try.
“Here,” I say, reaching down slowly and grabbing the sling Sara brought over when we came home. “He likes it when you rock him in this.” She looks at me hesitantly, then down to the sling. She gets this dreamy look on her face, then she looks at me and smiles.
“Thank you. That’s very kind of you,” she says, and it’s like the last few minutes never happened.
Being cautious and trying to seem like I’m not a threat, I hold the sling out for her to take. I’m hoping she’ll lay him down to try and put him in it and then I can make my move, but once she has the sling in her hands, she looks at me in confusion.
“I’m sorry, how much do I owe you again for babysitting?” she asks. What the fuck? This woman is definitely messed up in the head, but this could be the only way to ensure she doesn’t freak out again, so I decide to play along. I’ll do anything it takes to make sure she doesn’t get out of here with my son. I just need to distract her, keep her calm. Then hopefully she’ll put him down so I can get to her without hurting him.
“Oh, it was nothing really, so no charge.” God this feels so fucking wrong, playing along with her like she’s his mother and I’m just a fucking babysitter.
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