The Truth About Faking

by Leigh Talbert Moore

  Then she spins on her heel and walks back to her room, closing the door. I’m left in the room with Dad staring at me. I feel guilty and small, like I’m the one who’s betrayed the family. How can he not say anything? And if he isn’t worried, is it possible I shouldn’t be either? But he hasn’t heard what I have, and he didn’t see them at the game. And he’s never around when Ricky’s here. Touching my mother or standing around in just a towel.

  “Do I have to talk to the elders?” I ask softly.

  Dad shakes his head. “I doubt it.”

  His expression is closed, but I can sense a slight bit of annoyance with me. I can’t figure out why he’s angry at me and not her.

  “I guess I’ll go to my room, then.” I mumble and walk away.

  This is all Ricky’s fault. Everything is wrong, and it’s all his stupid fault. I know Mom’s way hotter than Trent’s mom, but at least Trent’s mom is available. Why couldn’t he have just tried to not have a misunderstanding with her? Or whatever. Just give her what she wants. This is all just stupid and awful. And Ricky’s fault.

  The Session arrives at our house at 7 p.m. Besides my dad, the governing body includes Mr. Bryant, Mr. Bowden, Mr. Lloyd, Mr. Perkins, and Dr. Hamilton. The five men have supposedly spent the day meeting and evaluating whether Ms. Jackson’s accusation is something the entire congregation should be aware of, or whether it’s something that can be handled privately.

  Of course, Mr. Perkins had his evil wife talking to him. She already has a big fat problem with someone like my mom being the wife of her pastor. She’s been waiting for something like Ricky to come along. It’s like the answer to her wicked prayers. The fact that Trent corroborated his mother’s story means the elders have to take it seriously. But why would Trent tell his mom Ricky was here? He knows how suspicious she is.

  Mr. Bryant starts the meeting. Mom and Dad are in the living room while I watch through a crack in my door. Dad says I don’t have to be in the room if I don’t want to, and I do not want to. It’s all too medieval for me to believe.

  “Well, Jackie, just for starters, Stuart’s not going to be involved in these proceedings. That would be against the bylaws. He can listen, of course, but he can’t speak for or against you in this matter. Do you understand?”

  “Of course, Paul,” Mom says. I can’t tell if she’s nervous or not. She doesn’t seem to be. She almost seems bored with the whole situation.

  “Are you aware of the accusations made against you by Sandra Jackson?”

  “I guess,” Mom says. “She thinks I’m sleeping with my student?”

  Five throats clear loudly. “Well, I don’t know if she’s come out and said that,” Mr. Lloyd answers. “I think she’s concerned that you’re headed down a dangerous path with this young man.”

  “Dangerous path,” Mom repeats.

  “Apparently he expressed… feelings for you while he was at her house yesterday.” Mr. Perkins says. “And her son Trent says he saw you in the car with the young man outside your house here last Saturday night around ten?”

  Silence.

  “Do you have anything to say in response?” Mr. Lloyd gently prods.

  I can see Mom’s face in the lamplight. Something’s going on behind her eyes, but I can’t tell what it is. She isn’t looking at any of the men. Dad’s sitting next to her holding her hand, and I see her lips tighten.

  “How old is Trent?” Mom asks.

  “I’m not sure exactly,” Mr. Perkins says. “Sixteen? Seventeen? Old enough to be taken seriously. Are you disputing his claim?”

  “No,” Mom replies.

  Silence. I notice Dad squeeze her hand.

  “Jackie,” he says softly. “Are you going to say anything in your defense?”

  I see her look at Dad in a way I’ve never seen before, as if she’s evaluating him. As if there’s a choice she wants to make, but the fact of him being here is making her hesitate.

  “No.” She says softly, still looking at him.

  Dad’s eyes lock on hers and the other men let out a collective breath. My stomach lurches. What is she doing?

  “Jackie,” Mr. Bryant says. “You’re not going to let these allegations stand…”

  “These allegations are ridiculous.” Mom drops Dad’s hand and stands up, walking to face the mantle. “And they’re being put forward by an ignorant woman and a teenage boy who doesn’t know what he saw.”

  “You can respond either yes or no,” Mr. Perkins says.

  “To what?” Mom flashes at him. “So far I haven’t heard any evidence of wrongdoing. So what if Ricky came here last Saturday? I’m his mentor, and he had a problem he needed to discuss with me. I can’t help it if Sandra has a vivid imagination.”

  “You do have to consider your appearance, Jackie.” Mr. Perkins sounds like a patronizing teacher. “It is questionable for the pastor’s wife to be in a car with a young man late at night in what looks like… a compromising situation.”

  “Compromising situation?” Mom’s voice rises. “Right in front of my house? In full view of the neighborhood? Where Stuart or Harley or anyone could walk up? Just what kind of a tramp do you and Crystal think I am, Ted?”

  Several of the men shift in their seats. Dad shifts and clears his throat.

  “Jackie, just tell them it isn’t true,” he says. “That’s really all the session needs to hear at this point, right fellas?”

  “Well, we are also concerned about a non-repentant spirit,” Mr. Perkins says. “Refusing to hear the church’s discipline…”

  My eyes narrow. I might be furious at Mom, but now I hate Mr. Perkins. He knows exactly what he’s doing. And how those words will affect her.

  “A non-repentant spirit?” Mom’s voice is sharp. “And for what am I being disciplined exactly? So far all I’ve heard is a bunch of misguided innuendo.”

  “Jackie,” Mr. Bryant’s deep voice brings a much-needed calm to the room. “We’re not trying to falsely accuse or insinuate anything. We know you. We know Stu. If you can assure us nothing’s going on and agree to… modify your behavior going forward, we can put this behind us.”

  Mom’s green eyes are sparking. I know her too well. Mr. Bryant is trying to give her an out, but his choice of words is like pouring water down a cat’s back. He’s allied himself with Mr. Perkins and stupid Mrs. Perkins and all her years of jabs and petty remarks.

  “I’ll have to discuss this with Stuart,” Mom says evenly. “I’m not sure I’m ready to accept those terms.”

  “Jackie—” Dad starts.

  She looks at him. “Stuart.”

  My dad looks down and then rises from the couch. At that the five men also stand and make preparations to leave. Mr. Perkins adjusts his waistband and makes some comment about getting back to the wife. I can just imagine Mrs. Perkins waiting at the door for the full account of what happened. She’s probably holding her breath, too. She’s finally found something that might stick, something that might put her stupid husband in charge and get rid of my mother for good.

  The last elder to leave is Mr. Bryant. He tries one final time.

  “I know this can be frustrating, Jackie,” he says. “But it’s just part of shepherding a growing flock.”

  Mom doesn’t even look at him, and I can’t stop staring at her. What has she done? What is this going to mean? By tomorrow everyone will know they came here and presented her with the story, and she didn’t say a thing to contradict it.

  Dad returns from seeing Mr. Bryant out and sits in a chair. He leans forward and rests his chin on his fists looking straight ahead at the fireplace.

  “I’m sorry, Stu,” Mom says quietly. “I just couldn’t listen to them saying all of those things anymore. A non-repentant spirit?”

  Dad lowers his face and rubs his forehead. Mom drops to her knees in front of him and puts her hands on his arms.

  “Stuart?” her voice breaks.

  My eyes fill with tears. If the congregation believes she’s having an affair and wo
n’t repent, she could be excommunicated. If she won’t answer them, what other choice do they have? Why is she doing this?

  Dad looks at her for a moment before pulling her into his arms and rubbing her back. “Is it worth it to you?” He asks softly. “Is this really worth that much?”

  She doesn’t answer him. I can’t stop the tears. He’s going to let her decide. Even if it means he might lose his job. Lose his church. I know he will. It’s the way he always is with her. Whatever she wants to do, she does. He won’t stop her.

  “I just, I can’t be something I’m not,” she says leaning back and looking at him. “And I can’t go back on my word.”

  He smoothes her hair away from her face. “This could turn into something. More than what it is now.”

  “More than nothing?” Her voice is rising again.

  “Don’t get angry with me,” he says quietly. “I’m on your side.”

  Mom sighs and puts her head on his shoulder. I watch as he holds her a few moments, rubbing her back.

  “I’m going to ask Paul to lead the service tomorrow,” Dad says. “I’ll take the day off and let this die down.”

  “I’m going to take a bath,” Mom says, standing up.

  I watch as she breezes past my room, and I hear her door click. Dad slowly walks to his study. I’ve been lying on my stomach in front of my door watching the whole thing and now I roll onto my back. My eyes are damp as I stare at the ceiling. Watching the two of them just then, the way they talk and interact, I can only think of one thing. I sit up and grab my phone.

  Meet@creek? I type.

  BRT.

  No one even notices me walk out the door, get on my bike, and ride off into the night. I’m at the creek sitting beside our tree with Jason in less than ten minutes. It’s dark, but it’s early. And the sounds of kids playing in yards and dogs barking can still be heard off in the night. It’s all so normal-sounding I can almost believe what just happened at my house is some crazy dream I had. Only it isn’t.

  “So? What happened?” Jason reaches forward and laces our fingers. I look up at him. He really does care. And after such a short period of time.

  “My mom’s actually going to let them kick her out of our church.”

  “What? What the hell are you talking about, H.D.?”

  I suddenly feel exhausted. “Trent’s mom called one of the elders at our church and said my mom is having an inappropriate relationship with Ricky.”

  “Trent’s mom?” Jason looks confused. “What does that even mean?”

  “I guess that they’re having an affair or something.”

  Jason strokes my hand. “And they believed that? Haven’t they noticed how she is with your dad?”

  “I don’t know,” I say, looking down. “All I know is they all came to our house tonight to talk to her about it, and Mom got all mad and said she’d have to think about whether or not to deny it.”

  He’s quiet for a moment, and then Jason says the words that are killing me. “Like she’s going to let them think it’s true?”

  I can’t answer. I sit there staring at our hands, listening to the sounds of kids playing, the currents trickling by, and I can’t think of a thing to say. That’s exactly what she’s going to do. And in front of the whole church. We’re all going to be publicly humiliated. And if that’s not bad enough, Dad could lose his job or be reassigned. We’ll have to leave Shadow Falls. All my friends, my home, Jason. I can feel my eyes start to burn as the tears spill over onto my cheeks.

  “Whoa, H.D.” Jason pulls me into a hug. “Don’t cry.”

  But I can’t stop. Especially with him being so sweet. If Dad gets reassigned it could be to a whole other state. I might never see Jason again.

  A sob jerks me, and he kisses my head. He’s holding me so that my cheek is pressed against his chest, and I can smell that citrusey-wood scent in his clothes. I pull closer to him trying to forget all this stupid drama. We stay that way for several minutes until I slowly sit up and push my hair back. I wipe my face with my hands.

  “She’s so selfish,” I say. “She looked at those men saying those things and she just forgot all about us. Me and Dad and what she’s doing to us.”

  “She just lost her temper—”

  “But it won’t change anything,” I interrupt him. “It never does. She’s going to stick to her guns and Dad’s going to let her. He always does.”

  I look at Jason and fresh tears fill my eyes. I really am starting to care for him. It’s amazing how fast being with him has become my new dream, and now it could all be taken away just as fast. I put my head in my hands again.

  “Harley,” Jason whispers. He reaches up and smoothes my hair back. “You’re getting too upset about this. I’m sure your dad’ll talk to her, and they’ll get it straight.”

  “Right,” I breathe. I sit there imagining the possibility. That would be a first. I turn away and lean back against the tree. I think about my mom. My nontraditional mother and her crazy ideas. Jason’s beside me, and we both listen to the currents for several minutes. Finally I speak.

  “Do you know why I’m an only child?”

  Jason smiles and pulls my hair back. “They couldn’t top you?”

  “It’s because Mom thinks responsible Christians shouldn’t have more than one baby. She really thinks they shouldn’t have any children. That they should adopt unwanted babies and then raise them in Christian households.”

  “That’s pretty radical. But I thought having kids was one of those sacraments or something.”

  “That’s for Catholics,” I say. “Mom believes God told us to be fruitful and multiply and to fill the earth. But now that the earth’s full, we should focus on being good stewards.”

  Jason raises his eyebrows and glances back at the creek. “I don’t think that idea’s going to catch on.”

  “The only reason they had me is because Dad really wanted to have a baby,” I say.

  “C’mon, H.D. Your mom loves you.”

  “Oh, really?” I hiccup a breath. “You think so?”

  “I know so,” he says. “I was there when she cross-examined me before the luau. She wasn’t letting me take you anywhere.”

  “Maybe. But that’s just one example.”

  “OK. Give me another.”

  “She likes to say God gave us the Bible, but he also gave us a brain.”

  Jason laughs. “That’s awesome. I agree.”

  “Yes, but you’re not a pastor’s wife. She’s never once cared what her wild ideas mean to Dad. What they could cost him.”

  “I think your dad loves your mom’s wild ideas.”

  “Maybe before, but I’m not sure he loves them now.”

  “I bet he does.”

  “How can you say that?” I demand. “He’s not leading the service tomorrow. He could lose his job.”

  “Your dad is in love with your mom. Like seriously in love with her.” Jason pulls me, and I slide my back against him so he can wrap his arms around me. “And it’s pretty obvious she feels the same way about him.”

  “She’s selfish. She gets on these soap boxes of hers, and she doesn’t care who gets hurt by them.”

  “She loves you and she loves your dad. And she’s fierce. I think you’re going to be proud of her before it’s all over.”

  We’re quiet for a minute. I’m afraid to say what I’m thinking, but I do.

  “And what if Ms. Jackson’s right?” I say quietly. “What if there is something inappropriate going on?”

  “Harley.” Jason pushes me forward. I turn to face him. “You don’t really think your mom would do anything with that guy do you?”

  I look at Jason and think about it for a minute. I think about how my feelings for Trent changed after Jason came into the picture. How after a year of dreaming in lavender, one week with Jason changed everything. What if the same thing happened to my mismatched mom?

  Then I imagine tone-deaf Pocahontas pressing her lips to hairless Ricky’s. Ugh! I can’
t even picture that. No. There’s no way. At least not under any normal circumstances.

  But what if he showed up unexpectedly? If she let him in and then he threw himself at her? Would she cave out of pity? Or hormones?

  “What are you thinking?” Jason ducks his head to meet my eyes.

  “It’s hard to imagine, but what if…”

  “What if what?”

  “Remember that night after the movies when I ran into the house?”

  “Our one fake date.”

  “Right. The reason I jumped out of the car so fast was because Ricky was there. His car was parked right in front of our house. At ten o’clock at night.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know, but Dad wasn’t there. And when I went inside, I could hear them in Mom’s office.”

  “What did you hear?” Jason takes my hand again.

  “He was pleading with her, telling her he needed to see her,” I turn my head away. This is so humiliating. “She was telling him to give it time. And she said she would always let him in.”

  I can feel the tears burning my eyes again.

  “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” Jason asks softly.

  “I couldn’t. It’s too embarrassing.”

  “But nothing happened, right?”

  I shake my head. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. Not that night.”

  “I dunno, I mean she’s his teacher. That could’ve meant anything.”

  “Anything? Them at our house? Alone? On a Saturday night?”

  “I’m just saying. What if there’s another explanation?”

  “Like what?” I take my hand back and cross my arms over my stomach. “She put herself in situations, in places where it looked like she did. Like she might’ve.”

  “You’re not supposed to judge things by appearances. You know that.”

  “You’re not supposed to, but you do. Everybody does. And she knows that. It’s one of Dad’s favorite sermons. Guarding your appearance.”

  Jason presses his lips together and we’re quiet. The currents keep moving, only this time I’m not soothed by the sound. This time I think of my dream and those currents pouring down my nose and my throat. Drowning me.