The Truth About Faking

by Leigh Talbert Moore

  “Oh. Well, if that’s what it is,” she smiles. “There’s just no explaining attraction.”

  “Yep. Sometimes it just crashes right into you.”

  The rest of the day is devoted to party-prep and Operation Get Jason Back. I’m wearing the dress I had on when he asked me to the luau. He always liked that one. And the two little braids just at the top. Again, very Vogue. Everything’s perfect for when I see him tonight. My heart actually rises at the thought. I’ll tell him how I feel, and then we’ll sneak away and do some make-up kissing. I smile as butterflies fill my stomach. Hopefully a lot of make-up kissing—I mean, we’ve been apart almost a week!

  I tell Mom I’m heading to David’s for a little while, and she doesn’t question me. She’s known David’s parents since forever, but I’m pretty sure they don’t talk much. Of course, I leave out the part that they’re out of town and his older brother sneaked a keg for the party. I feel bad about that since we’ve just gotten back on track, and I don’t normally go to keggers. For one, Pete would be so disappointed if he had to arrest me, and for two, I’d be grounded for life. But this is an extremely special case, and once I find Jason and straighten things out with him, we’ll ditch the party and run to the creek.

  I love that thought.

  I decide to walk because it’s such a great night, warm and a little breezy. David’s place is in the older part of our neighborhood, but it’s one of the few larger homes in that area. Trent’s getting there just as I’m walking up, extremely well-dressed as always. It’s funny because now that I know his secret, he acts like we’re the best of friends. You’d think we grew up together, he’s so relaxed and chatty.

  Everyone’s in full party-mode when we walk through the door. David has rainbow disco lights shining everywhere and music is blasting. I look around trying to spot Jason, and I notice Trent looking around as well.

  I lean over and shout in his ear. “So when you get to a party, you’re just like me?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re checking out all the guys, too?”

  Trent looks at me strangely for a second. Then he laughs and throws an arm around my neck. He pulls me close and kisses the top of my head in such a way that a few people hoot at us. Then he lets me go and smiles, and it’s the first time I’ve seen him look genuinely happy.

  “I’ll see you in a minute.” He shouts, and I watch him disappear through the bodies.

  I push through the crowd in the opposite direction. Jason has to be around here somewhere. I see Shelly and Aaron dancing with their foreheads pressed together. Shelly glances at me, and I give her a little wave. I keep walking and looking around. Finally I see him leaning against the low wall beside the keg. He looks up and our eyes met, and for a moment, I can’t breathe. I want to run up to him and tell him how awful everything is without him, tell him he never has to worry about me getting mixed up with Trent again and that we should go to the creek or at least run outside and start making out right away.

  Instead I stroll over acting casual. He looks so great wearing jeans and a maroon t-shirt, his brown hair’s a little shaggy around his face. It’s funny how he looks amazing to me in anything now.

  “Hey,” I smile. My heart is that little hummingbird again.

  “Hey.” He looks away, and my smile fades. He’s still mad at me, and I watch as he pours himself another drink.

  “Beer?” he offers.

  “No, thanks.”

  “Right. You don’t drink, curse. You make all the right choices.”

  I press my lips together. I let that go because he’s still mad, and I know he doesn’t mean it. “I was looking for you. I hoped we could talk.”

  “Another talk?” He frowns and shakes his head. “You’re going to have to find a new talk-buddy, H.D.”

  “No. Jason, it’s more than that.” I reach forward and touch his arm, lowering my voice. “Let’s get out of here.”

  He shakes his head and pulls his arm away. I watch him lift the cup to his lips, and I start to feel very frustrated. This is not going how I’d planned it.

  “Why not?” I ask. “What’s going on?”

  “Just got a lot on my mind tonight.” He looks down and leans back against the wall. I step forward and slide my hand into his, lacing our fingers. It feels so nice.

  “What’s on your mind?” I ask gently. “Your mom?”

  “No. But thanks for reminding me.”

  “I’m sorry. I just… I was hoping—”

  “Look. I’m done with that. I’m not playing games anymore.”

  I start to speak, but a loud voice from behind cuts me off.

  “What’s up, Harley?” It’s Stephanie. She pushes herself between Jason and me, removing my hand from his and replacing it with her own. “What are you doing with my date?”

  “Your date?” I blink. “You’re—”

  “With Jason.” She finishes, and her tone says back off.

  “I didn’t know.” This time when Jason glances up at me, my eyes are stinging with unshed tears. He’s going out with Stephanie now?

  Shelly and Aaron walk up to the keg and for a second the three of us listen as they argue over whether Shelly stood guard while David stuffed Aaron into a locker freshman year. I might be funny, but I can’t laugh. I feel like my heart’s breaking, and I just wish they’d go away.

  “You’re wrong,” Shelly argues with her eyes closed as she pours a drink.

  “I’m not wrong.” Aaron leans toward her.

  “It wasn’t David, it was Brian,” she giggles.

  “I think I’d remember—” Aaron starts.

  “Well, even if it was David,” Shelly cuts him off. “Here. Let him buy you a beer.” She grins and holds up a cup. He smiles and leans forward to plant his lips on hers.

  “So where’s Trent?” Stephanie’s loud voice cuts through the commotion.

  Shelly turns her face toward us and frowns. My throat’s tight, and I don’t think I can speak. I can’t believe I’ve lost Jason. And to Stephanie of all people.

  “So that’s it,” I say to him softly, trying not to cry. “You don’t want me…”

  I can’t finish. His eyes catch mine, and for a moment it’s just us.

  But Stephanie isn’t through. “Have you kissed him yet?” she asks loudly. I glance at her and see she’s starting to giggle. “Are you and your mom doing some special outreach to gays now?”

  It’s like the room went silent just at that moment, and her words echo through David’s house. Shelly freezes and my eyes widen.

  “Trent’s gay?” Shelly asks, and her voice feels very loud to me. Then she starts to giggle, too. “Oh my god! Of course! That totally explains—”

  “Shut up, Shelly.”

  “What?” I hear Aaron’s loud voice. “Trent’s gay?”

  The news travels like a hot potato from person to person through the room, and I see Jason remove his hand from Stephanie’s and take a step toward me. But none of it matters when I hear the voice behind me.

  “Harley?”

  It’s Trent.

  I spin around and see him standing there, staring at me. The look on his face is pure betrayal. My heart slams to the floor.

  “Trent!” I step forward.

  “I thought you said you wouldn’t tell.” His expression makes my stomach hurt. “I thought I could trust you.”

  “You can! I didn’t…”

  But before I can finish my sentence, he turns and starts pushing through the bodies. It only takes me a second to wake up and start pushing after him. But he’s too fast for me. He’s out the door and gone before I can catch up to him. I follow, but by the time I make it to the sidewalk, he’s already pulling his car away. I watch as the Accord pauses at the corner before exiting the cul de sac and turning toward the main street through the neighborhood. And then he’s gone.

  I pull out my phone and try texting him.

  Talk to me.

  I wait several seconds. No response.


  PLS.

  No response.

  I start to feel panicky. I have to find him and tell him Stephanie simply guessed it. I didn’t tell anyone. But will it even matter? He didn’t want anyone to know. He trusted me and now everybody’ll know. It’ll only be a matter of hours, if that long.

  Oh, please help me… Please let me find him.

  I keep walking in the direction of my house. I decide if I don’t hear back from him by the time I get home, I’ll ride my bike to his house. It’s out of the neighborhood, but it isn’t far. I try again.

  I didn’t tell! I text. She guessed!

  More seconds pass. Silence. I let out a frustrated scream and want to throw my phone, but I look up and see I’m almost at my house. I run the rest of the way, toss my shoes on the porch and set off on my bike, riding back the way I came. David’s house goes by, then the entrance to Shadow Falls. I pass the hydrangea bush at the corner of Main and Spring, down the highway to the newer development. Cars keep whizzing by. I hate riding on the highway, outside the safety of our neighborhood, but I have to find Trent. I have to find him and tell him what happened. The look in his eyes at David’s… I push harder. He has to know the truth.

  As I get closer to his house, I slow down. I can see the porch light on in the driveway, but the car isn’t there. He didn’t come home. Well, of course he didn’t. It isn’t like home is the most welcoming place in his life. It isn’t like he’d go running there if he were hurt and betrayed. Oh, God. I pray again, chewing my lip. Where is he? I try again.

  PLS. I text. Talk to me.

  No response.

  Then I call. The phone rings and rings, but he won’t answer.

  I sit there several minutes and look around, trying to think. I don’t know what to do, so I turn back toward Shadow Falls. I slowly pedal back to the neighborhood, past the party, past the quiet church. I’m getting closer to home when I consider one last possibility. I’m not sure he’ll go there, but it’s worth a shot.

  When I get closer to the creek, I feel my heart jump as I see it. Trent’s car.

  I stand in the pedals and push as hard as I can to close the distance faster. I jump off and run up the small hill, and there he is, sitting beside the tree, looking out at the dark water. I drop to my knees beside him, panting from the ride and from running. After a few moments I start to catch my breath. Soon, the only sound is the constant movement of the creek. The nonstop musical trickling that continues, regardless of what’s happening up here on its banks.

  Several long minutes pass. Trent never looks at me, never acknowledges my presence. And then he speaks.

  “This really is a nice spot,” he says. “I remembered it from that night we came here.”

  “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” I say. “I called… you didn’t answer my texts.”

  He motions to the car. “Left my phone.”

  I watch him in silence until eventually he looks back at me. It isn’t a look of anger or even betrayal now. Just a question.

  “Was this about your mom? Is that why you did it?”

  “No!” I gasp, near tears. “Trent, you have to believe me. I didn’t tell them. I didn’t…”

  He looks down.

  “It was Stephanie,” I continue, my stomach in knots. “She was there with Jason, and I guess she got mad at me for talking to him. And I think she was drinking. She just said it, and…”

  He nods but doesn’t respond. Then he sort of laughs. “I guess I expected that,” he says.

  “What do you mean?”

  He looks up at me again. “I was so relaxed and happy. I thought it was all going to be okay. But I was still lying.”

  “But it can be okay,” I say. “Why can’t it? So what if they know. It doesn’t matter.”

  “It does here,” he says. “It does to my mom. And to some people…”

  “No. It’s just… you know how it is. You’re just the latest gossip. It’ll blow over.”

  He shakes his head. “You don’t understand, Harley. You don’t know what it’s like to be… a blemish.”

  It hurts to hear him say that. Stupid Mrs. Perkins.

  “You’re not that. You’re a wonderful, kind person,” I say, thinking how this possibly puts me against Dad. I don’t know how I feel about that, but I know I’m not wrong. Trent’s not a sin or an abomination, and I won’t let anyone say that about him.

  He exhales deeply before looking away at the creek again. “I hate this place,” he says.

  I don’t know what to say. I’ve never heard anyone say they hate Shadow Falls. Everyone I know loves it here. It’s so clean and safe, with sidewalks and streetlights. And the adults are always saying how our neighborhoods are so well-manicured, and even though some of the newer residents in Shadow Creek have house alarms, it’s mainly for show. Ours is the kind of town where you can leave houses and cars unlocked most anytime and nothing will happen. People are always moving here to get away from whatever bothers them about the city, and they all agree it’s perfect. At least, it’s always seemed perfect before.

  “What will you do?” I ask softly.

  He shrugs. “Tell my mom.”

  “You will? Are you scared?”

  “Not as scared as I was to tell you.”

  “Why were you scared of me?”

  “I don’t know.” He looks back at me. “You were always so nice to me. I guess I thought if you couldn’t take it, nobody could.”

  I look down. It’s the second time he’s said that, and I have to come clean.

  “I wanted us to be together,” I mumble. “Like boyfriend and girlfriend. That’s why I acted that way.”

  “I know,” he smiles. “Ricky told me.”

  My jaw drops. “Ricky told you?”

  “Yeah. He really wanted me to tell you the truth that first night.”

  I think about Ricky and Trent at his house that afternoon. Then I remember his sad eyes when we talked about Ricky being gone.

  “Were you and Ricky…” I hesitate. “Together?”

  Trent smiles and his cheeks turn a little pink. “No,” he says. “He’s too old.”

  “He’s not that old,” I say. Shelly had a crush on Ricky. Then again, Shelly’s had a crush on almost every guy.

  “Well, he says he is.” I watch Trent pull a blade of grass.

  I can’t believe it. All this time I thought Ricky was Dad’s big rival. “So you wanted to date him?”

  Trent shrugs. Then he shakes his head. “I guess he’s right,” he says. “There’s no way. But I liked talking to him. It made me feel… not so alone.”

  I frown at that. I don’t want him to feel alone. I want to help him. He’s trusted me and we’re friends now, but I don’t know what I can do. He’s right about being different. No matter what the grownups say, people do put you in boxes and label you. And they do gossip and say mean things. And it does matter. Maybe not to everyone, but it will to Trent’s mom. And it will to other parents, to other kids.

  He starts to get up. “Well, I’d better do it now,” he says. “Before I change my mind.”

  I watch him stand and gaze out at the water one more time.

  “Do you want me to come with you?”

  “No,” he says.

  “You can call me.”

  He looks back at me and smiles. “Thanks, Harley.”

  I watch him leave and the urge to cry comes over me again. I lean against the tree and wish Jason were here. I want things to be right between us so badly. I want him to put his arms around me and kiss me. I want him to smooth my hair back, and I want to smell his warm, citrusey scent. Then I remember Stephanie, and what she said, how angry he was. I look back at the creek and bite my lip. It cannot end this way. I have to fix this. Operation Get Jason Back is still in effect, and this time it’s not based on a dream or a childhood list or a silly head-injury rescue outside the gym. I know Jason, and I know how it’s been between us. He cares about me, and I care about him. How we feel is real, and I
’m not flaking out this time. I’m going to be assertive, and I’m going to win.

  Sixteen

  Dad’s sermon is on forgiveness. I can’t believe it. I’ve heard him talk about this before, of course. About how choosing not to forgive someone is like putting you and that person in chains. It ties you together and drags you both down, and even if you can’t forget, you can always choose to forgive.

  I look at my mom, and think about how good it feels to forgive her. How hopeful I am that things are back on track with us. As usual, she’s looking at Dad like he’s saying the most amazing things, and I’m certain that she’s formulating her own philosophical spin on his sermon. Something they’ll discuss over lunch while I think about everything that happened last night and the night before.

  The Doxology comes, and as I sing, I scan the room. Stephanie isn’t here. Trent and his mom aren’t here. Of course, Jason isn’t here. I think about the time I complained to Mom that it never seems like the people who need to hear what Dad is saying are present when he says it. She said something like God knows who’s going to be here before the day even comes. I’d said I wished God paid closer attention to what’s going on in the present.

  I sing out the Amen, and on cue everyone stands and surges toward the back doors. I descend from my perch and quietly follow them out. I feel a flicker of hope as I reach the exit remembering last week. Jason was outside waiting by the tree. But he isn’t there today.

  I think about him the whole ride home and wonder if I can skip lunch and go see him. But when we get to the house, I see Ricky’s car.

  “I’ve got to get those forms signed for Ricky,” Mom says, reaching for the door handle. “It’ll only take a second and then we can have lunch.”

  Dad gets out and goes inside. Mom walks over to the car, and I watch her talking to him. Then she says something, and he gets out and follows her into the house.

  He’s alone in the kitchen when I enter. Mom isn’t here, and he’s at the counter looking out the window. He seems relaxed and not at all uncomfortable. It feels like old times, but so much has changed.

  I’m happy to see him.

  “Hey, princess.”