Four Letter Word

by J. Daniels

  I hadn’t changed much since Marcus and I first met in high school. I still looked fairly the same. Yes, I was curvier and filled out my jeans a bit more, especially in the bottom, which seemed to be where I stored all the extra calories I consumed, but Marcus acted like he loved the freshman fifteen I held on to. Up until recently, he could barely keep his hands off me in public.

  How could he go from wanting me insatiably to not at all? How does that even happen?

  Tori leaned forward and exchanged her glass for the bag of chocolate-covered pretzels off the table.

  “How long has it been?”

  “Three months,” I blurted out.

  “Three months?” She whipped her head around and gaped at me. The bag crumpled in her grasp. “You haven’t had sex in three months? Really? Jesus, that’s…” She paused, blinking several times with her mouth hanging open, then leaning closer and whispering as if she didn’t want her neighbors to know, “Three months? Did you at least try?”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “Of course I tried, but after the third rejection I gave up.”

  “I don’t blame you.”

  She bit into a pretzel and offered me the bag.

  I shook my head. Not even one of my favorite snacks appealed to me at the moment.

  “And you just thought he was too tired for sex?” she asked.

  “Yeah.”

  God, that observation sounded ridiculous now. It was so obvious, but denial can fool you. Hope can fool you, too. I knew what I wanted to believe, and that was the only thing I allowed myself to focus on.

  For three months, I didn’t just think my marriage was fine and my husband still wanted me, I knew that was the only possibility. I left no room in my head for doubt.

  “Does he know you’re here?” she asked.

  “No. I just packed up and left. I didn’t talk to him.”

  “Good. He doesn’t deserve to know what you’re doing. Fuck him.”

  A bubble of laughter caught in my throat. All I could think of was…

  I tried.

  “I’m going to say something, and I know this is a huge risk because there is a possibility you and Marcus could work out your shit and get back together, but I think he did you a huge favor tonight.”

  I slowly turned to look at Tori. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard.

  “What?”

  “I know. I know. Just hear me out. Don’t yell at me yet.” She sat the bag of pretzels down and turned her body, angling herself toward me. She tucked a chunk of hair behind her ear. “I’ve always liked Marcus. You know that. But I think he kind of dulled you out a little, hon.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her.

  “Dulled me out? What does that mean?”

  She motioned at me. “You weren’t you with him. I don’t know. You two were always so serious together. It was like the guy couldn’t take a joke.”

  I shrugged. “So what?”

  “So what?” she repeated, sitting up on her knees. “I never saw you laugh with him, Syd. I mean, you two seemed happy, otherwise I would’ve said something to you, but…it was like you weren’t friends at all. You were just married. He never played with you.”

  I slid my hand around my neck and squeezed while my eyes lost focus on the carpet.

  I couldn’t dispute what Tori was saying. Marcus wasn’t really a playful guy, but I never needed him to be. He always, up until recent months, made me feel like I was the only woman he ever saw. He was affectionate, most of the time, and caring. He supported and encouraged me through college. I didn’t need him to joke around or make me laugh. That wasn’t important. I just needed him to love me. And he did.

  He just didn’t anymore.

  Tori sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to upset you further, it’s just…I’ve known you forever. I know the person you are when we’re together. You’re silly and a complete nut. Remember how we met? Seventh grade? You told me your name was Tori, too, because you wanted us to be best friends and you thought it would happen faster if we had the same name?”

  I smiled faintly.

  “Had you calling me that for a week,” I said.

  “I know.” Tori laughed. “I yelled at everyone who called you Sydney. Even teachers.” She nudged my shoulder with hers. “I’m just saying, I missed that girl when Marcus was around. That’s all.”

  She said those final two words on a shrug.

  I slid down farther and rested my head on the cushion, staring up at the ceiling.

  Tori joined me, putting herself into a similar pose.

  After a minute or two of silence, I finally responded.

  “Maybe you’re right. Maybe Marcus and I weren’t friends. Maybe we didn’t play with each other and laugh all the time. But you know what? It doesn’t matter anymore. Whatever we were, he no longer wants it. He’s done. And I need to think about my life without him, starting with finding a job around here.”

  “Oh, I got you covered on that.”

  “You do?”

  I stared at her profile. I had no idea what she was driving at.

  She tilted her head to the side and smiled.

  “Hell yeah I do. Come work with me at Whitecaps until you find an x-ray job.”

  “As a waitress?”

  “Yep. Nate will work you into the schedule no problem. He’s cool. And I’ll make sure he puts us on the same shifts.” She slapped my knee and stood, stretching her arms above her head with a yawn. “I’m beat. Do you need help bringing the rest of your stuff in?”

  “Nah, I got it. When do you think I could talk to Nate about getting a job?”

  I got on my feet to join her, both of us grabbing a bottle and the trash from the snacks we’d devoured during our conversation.

  We carried our handfuls to the kitchen.

  “Tomorrow,” she answered, holding the lid of the trash can open for me. She then took the unfinished bottle of moscato and recorked it before sticking it into the refrigerator. “We’ll take a drive down to Whitecaps and get you set up. I’m sure he’ll want you to start immediately. We just had someone quit last week.”

  “It’ll only be until I find an x-ray job. Are you sure he won’t mind if it’s temporary?”

  I knew some managers frowned upon hiring someone who wasn’t willing to stick around. I wouldn’t blame Nate for being hesitant about bringing me on, and I would never keep my motives from him. I could very easily find a job in a couple weeks and leave them short staffed.

  On the other hand, it could take me months to find an x-ray position here locally.

  Tori placed her hands on my shoulders, gently squeezing. Her eyes got soft.

  “You know you don’t have to jump right into something. You could take a few weeks to relax—”

  I cut her off.

  “I need to work, Tori. I can’t just sit around here. I’ll go crazy.”

  Crazy thinking about how I was suddenly single for the first time in seven years, and how I’m going to be divorced—divorced—before my twenty-fifth birthday.

  Crazy thinking about what I could’ve possibly done to cause this, or to prevent it.

  Crazy.

  This didn’t feel like my life.

  Tori stepped back, dropping her hands with a nod and a smile.

  “Okay. You know what’s best for you. And you’ll like it there. Trust me.” Mischief danced in her eyes.

  I could only imagine what she meant by that.

  “I’m heading to bed. Pick a room, any room. It’s yours.”

  “Tori, wait.”

  She stopped almost to the stairs, gazing back over her shoulder.

  “We’ve done nothing but talk about me all night. Are you okay, with Wes and everything?”

  It took her a second, but a ghost of a smile tugged at her mouth.

  “Getting there. I mean, it hurts, but you’re here. That’ll help. I know I’ll be okay.” She winked at me before climbing the stairs. “Night, roomie,” she called out.

  I
stood in the silence of the kitchen for a minute, maybe more, wondering when I could be okay, too.

  * * *

  I couldn’t remember falling asleep last night.

  I couldn’t remember the slow drift of weightlessness that takes over your body when your mind is quiet.

  I couldn’t remember relaxing at all in the most comfortable bed I’d ever lain on.

  I did, however, remember calling my mother and filling her in on my eventful evening after I carried my suitcases inside. I also unfortunately remembered her sweetly paired “I told you so’s” and “God hates divorce” rantings in my ear.

  She was never a huge fan of Marcus, for reasons she never expanded on, but more so, she thought my choice to leave him and move in with Tori, instead of staying and working things out with Marcus, was disappointing.

  Disappointing. I disappointed her.

  That hurt.

  The conversation with my mother was kept brief. I made up an excuse and got off the phone while she was in the middle of yet another spiritual lecture, and I readied myself for bed.

  I remembered hitting the soft, billowy mattress and wiping the tears from my eyes.

  I remembered flipping my pillow over when I soaked the satin.

  I remembered the peaceful hum of the fan spinning overhead, the clock on the wall ticking away the seconds of my misery, and the faint sounds of waves crashing outside my window, and how all of it, every calming noise, irritated me to no end.

  But clearing my mind enough to welcome sleep? No. That I couldn’t remember at all.

  I woke in a tangle of sheets and blankets, my hair matted and soaked with sweat. My nightshirt twisted on my torso.

  I sat up in a jerk, my eyes searching the room for someone.

  Someone. That was almost laughable.

  I should be used to waking up alone at this point, but somehow this morning felt… different.

  Permanent.

  Irrefutable.

  I used to be a morning person. A life person. Today, not so much.

  * * *

  “Hellooo?”

  Tori waved her hand in my face as we drove down the long stretch of road that runs parallel with the shore.

  I dragged my gaze off the dash.

  “Huh? What’s up?”

  She chuckled softly, peering out the windshield.

  “You were spacing out over there. We’re almost at the restaurant. It’s just up here on the right.”

  I flipped the visor down and checked my appearance in the mirror.

  I fingered the ends of my long, bottle-dyed blond hair, then smeared on a quick application of lip gloss.

  “You okay?”

  “Fine,” I replied through a rushed exhale. My stomach felt coiled into a rigid knot. I shifted in my seat, shrugging. “Just new job jitters, I guess. I hope he hires me.”

  Tori laughed again as I leaned back in the seat and tucked my lip gloss into the front pocket of my jeans.

  “What?” I asked, turning to look at her as the car slowed down.

  Her profile was devilish, lifted in amusement, matching her signature ruby lip she always wore no matter if she was going out or cleaning the house.

  Tori always wore red lipstick. And she rocked it.

  “Nate isn’t an idiot. He knows what he’s doing. You’re in.”

  I thought about how strange that sounded, then decided to shift the attention off me and onto the one person I knew had to be hurting as badly as I was.

  “How are you today?”

  Tori didn’t miss a beat. She also made me reevaluate my assumption that we were both in the same sinking boat.

  “Getting better by the second,” she replied, adjusting the volume on the stereo, wiggling her ass in her seat and smacking the steering wheel along to the beat of the Calvin Harris song pumping through the speakers.

  She smiled at me before elaborating.

  “My best girl is here, it’s going to be a gorgeous day, by the looks of it, and I devoted all of my prayers last night to the hopes of Wes contracting a delightfully new STD and having that shit named after him. Hopefully soon, people will start getting diagnosed with ‘the Wes.’ Symptoms include swelling of the genitals, painful urination, and a wicked rash.” She lifted her eyebrows, crystal blue eyes sparkling. “It’s fatal.”

  I couldn’t help laughing.

  She pulled into a large lot surrounding a restaurant and parked along the side.

  Whitecaps was a waterfront establishment, very beach chic, if there was such a thing. Colorful long boards were propped along the outer perimeter, with a few stuck into the sand on either side of the staircase. Boating oars framed the entrance of the restaurant, and the railing wrapping around the building was made up of a thick rope, the kind you would use to secure your boat to a pier.

  I liked it instantly. It was such a contrast to the beige walls and dark environment of a radiology department.

  “Let’s get you a job.”

  I’d barely exited the car before Tori was grabbing my hand and dragging me up the stairs and through the doors.

  My eyes blinked rapidly at my new surroundings.

  The atmosphere inside was as energetic and refreshing as the exterior of the building.

  Bold, vibrant color scheme, with lots of oranges, yellows, and bright blues. Surfboards and nautical knickknacks hanging on the walls.

  I didn’t like it.

  I loved it.

  Flo Rida poured softly through the overhead speakers as I was pulled through the restaurant toward the back of the room.

  Tori waved to a few servers, then halted at a door with the word “Manager” written in white.

  She knocked twice. A muted voice beckoned for her to enter.

  “Nate, hey, are you busy?” Tori asked, swinging the door open and tugging me to follow.

  The man behind the desk lifted his head.

  He was a young guy, couldn’t have been more than thirty, and really, really good-looking, with dark, short-styled hair and a muscular build, rough, sexy stubble marking his jaw, and eyes the color of a rich chocolate. His tie was loosened at the collar, and his thick shoulders pulled the material of his dress shirt taut across his body, highlighting his pecs.

  He glanced briefly at me, then looked at Tori, pulled his dark-rimmed glasses off, and set them on top of a pile of papers.

  “I’m always busy. What’s up?”

  “This”—Tori pulled me close beside her, still holding my hand—“is my best friend, Sydney. She just moved here and needs a job. Give her one.”

  I gasped at my best friend’s bluntness.

  Nate leaned back in his chair, eyes narrowing.

  Shit.

  “Please give her a job, is what you meant to say, right? Because I am your boss, not your friend, Tori. You seem to forget that every other time I see you.”

  “Didn’t I say please?”

  “No,” he answered dryly.

  I was suddenly panicked.

  Good-bye, nice job with fantastic music and a chill environment.

  Tori waved her free hand nonchalantly in the air.

  “My bad. Please, can you give her a job? She’s amazing, and you know she’ll be very popular with the locals.”

  Nate trained his eyes on me, studied me briefly, then asked, “You have waitress experience?”

  I nodded, reclaiming my hand and stepping forward.

  “It’s been a few years. I waitressed through high school and a little in college. But before you hire me, I have to tell you, this isn’t permanent. I’ll be actively looking for a radiology position while I…if I work here. I promise to give you two weeks’ notice, but it could be soon that I’ll end up leaving.”

  “Radiology?”

  “Yes, sir. I’m certified in x-ray.”

  “Do you know how overly qualified you probably are for this?”

  I smiled uncertainly, readying my knees to beg.

  The carpet appeared soft. I might get away with little to no
rug burn.

  Nate cleared his throat, leaning farther back in his chair.

  “So I could hire you today and you could quit on me this weekend if you found something else? That’s what you’re telling me, right?”

  “Yes,” I answered honestly.

  “Do you have any idea how much hassle that’ll be for me? The amount of paperwork and double coverage for training I’ll set up, all for nothing? And when you do end up quitting, I’ll have to scramble to get your shifts covered. That’s not easy. Why should I even hire you?”

  My breath caught in my throat as I stared at him, scrambling for a response.

  Shit!

  He was definitely leaning toward blowing me off. As he should. This was ridiculous. I could find a job tomorrow and not even get the opportunity to pick up a shift here.

  I briefly glanced in Tori’s direction, only to see how little invested she was in this discussion.

  She was busy admiring the collection of sailboats lined along the bookshelf on the other side of the room, humming softly to herself.

  Scowling, I turned back to Nate in time to catch the impatient tilt of his head.

  I inhaled a deep, soothing breath before finally responding.

  “Because I would really appreciate the opportunity to work here, probably more than half of your staff. Because I don’t simply need this job, I want this job. Being over qualified isn’t an issue. I didn’t get a degree in waitressing. I have no idea how to work your computer system. But I am a fast learner. I’ll work my ass off for you. Tori said she does doubles occasionally to help you out. I have no problem with that. I actually wouldn’t mind the constant distraction. And again, I promise I’ll give you notice if another job comes up. Even if I’m only here a few weeks, you won’t regret hiring me.”

  Silence stretched between us. Nate seemed to mull over my request, running his hand along the back of his neck as he exhaled a thick breath.

  I looked anywhere but his face.

  The stripes in his shirt. The clutter of paperwork on his desk. The back of my best friend’s head as she continued to forget I existed.

  “I doubt half of my staff knows how to work the computer system. In fact, none of them use it,” Nate admitted, drawing my attention back to his face. A subtle grin pulled at his mouth. “You’ll fit right in.”