Four Letter Word

by J. Daniels

  Bending, I grabbed the top I’d been wearing all day and slipped it on, planted my knee on the edge of the bed, put my weight on it, and was pulling up my other knee to climb on when my cell rang.

  “Shoot.”

  I rocked back, getting to my feet again, walked over to where my phone was charging on the dresser, saw the caller’s name flashing on the screen, and left it to ring, returning to the bed.

  “Who is it?” Brian asked, pushing Sir away again.

  I shook my head. “No one I want to talk to right now.”

  Brian kept looking at me after I sat on the bed and started playing with Sir. I could feel his attention, then our eyes locked and he asked, “Who?” in a way I knew he was thinking it was Marcus calling. His tone was flat and uninterested but had an edge to it.

  He hated Marcus, for reasons justified and ones he couldn’t explain.

  I understood it.

  When you loved someone, they became your only and you wanted to be theirs, but the reality was sometimes you could only be their now and possibly their forever if you were lucky enough, but you could never be their only.

  Never. These were the facts and they sucked.

  However, reality or not, this was something I chose not to believe.

  I was Wild. I could do that.

  I could never be anyone’s but Brian’s. Not in my heart. Not ever. That was my choice and I was choosing it.

  Screw the facts. And screw Marcus. I wouldn’t have answered if it was him calling, now or any other time, but it wasn’t and I didn’t want Brian thinking it was for another second.

  “It’s my mom,” I told him, pulling Sir into my lap and kissing the top of his head.

  “You’re not gonna answer it?” Brian asked, staying propped up on his elbow. “Thought you said you wanted her to know about us and what we’re doing.”

  He was right. I had said that and it was definitely something I wanted.

  I sighed, met his eyes again, and went on to explain, “I do, but it’s our first night in our new house and I don’t want her tainting any of it, and I’m afraid if I talk to her, that’s exactly what she’s going to do.”

  Brian reached out, tucked some red behind my ear, dropped his hand to my leg, and gave it a squeeze.

  “Been a while since you last spoke to her. She might surprise you.”

  “She might not,” I countered.

  “You won’t know unless you talk to her, babe,” he argued gently, rubbing his thumb over my skin in a soothing way. “I get why you’re avoiding her, but I know this is important to you. You want her to see what we got and support the life you’re living now. Only way that’s gonna happen is if you share it with her. She’s reaching out. She might stop reaching out at some point. Think about that.”

  I thought about it while I scratched the underside of Sir’s neck the way he liked.

  Brian was right. Again. If I kept avoiding my mom, she might stop calling altogether, putting even more strain on our relationship and making it harder to build it back up, then I’d be the one struggling to get her on the line.

  What if she never answered me?

  I huffed out a breath. “Fine. Okay. I’ll talk to her.” Then I scooted Sir off my lap, leaned down until my forehead was flush with Brian’s, and glared at him. “You being right all the time is getting a little old,” I shared.

  He smirked. “Can’t help it, babe. Just flows naturally.”

  I rolled my eyes, laughing a little because he was using my words against me and in turn, being cute again, slid off the bed, and grabbed my phone off the dresser.

  I swiped my thumb across the screen, went to my missed calls, and dialed her back.

  She answered when my butt hit the bed.

  “Well, didn’t think I existed to you anymore. Surprised you’re even bothering with this phone call,” she snapped, sounding angry and maybe a little hurt. I couldn’t tell. “A daughter ignoring her own mother. Really, Sydney, you should be ashamed of yourself.”

  I looked at Brian, conveying with my eyes that this call was already starting off on a high note.

  “You know why I wasn’t answering you, Mom,” I replied.

  “I’m not sure what’s gotten into you lately, but I feel as if I don’t even know you anymore,” she argued.

  “Why’s that? I’m the same as I’ve always been. Actually…I’m better. I’m me.”

  “You most certainly are not you. The daughter I raised wouldn’t leave her husband, choosing a life of sin over what God had planned for her. No…that is not my daughter. I brought you up better than that, Sydney Grace.”

  I pinched my eyes shut, breathed deep, then opened them to tell her, “I want to talk to you, Mom, okay? That’s why I’m calling. I love you and I miss you and I want to talk to you, but for the last time, I did not leave Marcus. He ended it. He found another girl he wanted to be with and decided what we had wasn’t worth holding on to anymore. He chose it first, okay? Then I chose it when I came to Dogwood to start my life over because I didn’t have one with him anymore, and I chose it again when I met the man I’m living with now.”

  She pulled in a breath.

  I shocked her. I realized this. My mother didn’t know anything about Brian, and I’d just thrown it all on her instead of giving it to her a little at a time.

  Maybe not the best tactic but I had committed to it. Saw it through and put it out there. No way could I take it back now.

  I looked to Brian. He appeared a little shocked by my forwardness as well.

  I ignored his raised brow and widened stare because I knew he’d recover quickly—we were in this together. I watched Sir roll onto his back and stretch his paws, smiled at his cuteness, then looked at my lap and continued speaking.

  “You see, Mom? Marcus chose a life without me. He wanted me gone so I went and in doing so found someone who has made me happier than I ever thought possible, happier than I ever came close to being with Marcus, and if that wasn’t part of God’s plan for me, then he needs to take a step back and reevaluate some things because there is no way what I’m feeling right now is wrong. It can’t be. I’ve never felt like this.”

  Brian grabbed the hand I had resting on my knee and held it with his.

  We looked into each other’s eyes, and I wanted so badly to kiss him, but I knew if I did that I wouldn’t stop kissing him and I was in the middle of an important conversation I needed to see through.

  So I held him back instead, curling my fingers around the back of his hand and hoping to convey the feelings I was fighting against.

  “You’re living with another man?” Mom spoke after several tense seconds, her voice eerily quiet. “You aren’t even divorced yet, Sydney, and you’re already moved in with someone else? I…I can’t believe what I’m hearing. No. Absolutely not. This is wrong and I will not support this. I will not support any of this. I knew you moving to Dogwood would be trouble and look at what you’re doing.”

  “What am I doing, Mom? I’m in love and I’m happy.”

  “You’re practically having an affair,” she hissed.

  My spine straightened. I felt my pulse spike and the hand holding Brian’s tense and grip tighter.

  Then I let her have it.

  “I am not having an affair. I would never do that, no matter if Marcus cheated on me or not, which he did, Mom. In case you’re interested in knowing. That’s what happened. He did this to me. Now I’ll admit, what we had wasn’t working anymore, our marriage was struggling and had been struggling for months, but I stuck it out. I never even considered any other options and that’s all he was doing, considering other options. He gave me up for someone else, asked me to leave, and I did, and you know what? It was the best decision of my life ’cause it led me to Brian. That’s who I’m living with. That’s the man who healed my heart and that’s the man I love with every piece of it. Marcus and I are legally separated now and have been since before Brian and I got together. We were no longer committed to each other whe
n Brian and I started talking, meaning when I fell in love with him, I did so with a heart I could give away. Marcus wasn’t holding it anymore. That was his doing. His choice. I will not say that again.”

  My chest was heaving and my eyes were pricking with tears. I was on the verge of crying or screaming, I wasn’t sure which, but I did know I was fully regretting this phone call. That was for certain.

  “Don’t you take that tone with me, young lady. I will not be disrespected by my own daughter,” she spat, her voice rising. “And if you think I’m going to support you in any of this, you can think again. Living with a man under any circumstance without being married to him is a sin in the eyes of God. It is shameful and wrong. You signing separation papers doesn’t change that.”

  “Plenty of people live together before they get married, Mom. This isn’t the fifties.”

  “You can make that argument to God when you stand before him at the end of your time. See what he has to say about that.”

  I closed my eyes and lowered my head.

  “As for the matter of Marcus stepping out on you, he’ll have to answer for his own sins,” she continued. “And like I’ve told you several times already, you should’ve stuck it out and allowed him to repent. Fought for your marriage. Worked through it together as a unit. Instead you walked away. You left your family and now look at you. What a mess you’ve made of yourself.”

  My mouth dropped open in shock, air moving in and out of my lungs rapidly and erratically.

  I didn’t scream. God…I wanted to. I wanted my anger to rule my reaction, but it didn’t.

  Disappointment overwhelmed me. I chose to cry instead.

  With tears wetting my cheeks and lips trembling, I kept my head lowered, my shoulders hunched forward, and Brian’s hand in mine.

  “I left the man who stopped loving me,” I replied, voice shaking while I stared at my lap. “I didn’t leave my family. You did.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You left me,” I whispered. “Barrett died and you left me like I died right along with him, and even at twelve years old, I understood your reason. I knew you were in pain and you needed help, Mom, so even though I was sad, too, and I missed you so, so much, I didn’t hate you for leaving me behind to find your peace. I didn’t even hate you when you found it and forgot to come back for me. I couldn’t. I was happy for you and I was happy for myself because I got Tori and I got her parents. They became my family when you’d stay late at church or go to another prayer meeting. They supported me, and I know in my heart they’d support me still. They wouldn’t judge me like this. They’d care about my happiness because that’s what family does. They are my family. And the friends I have now, the ones I’ve met since moving to Dogwood, they are also my family. And Brian. He is my family. Not Marcus. Never Marcus. Family doesn’t turn their back on you and treat you like you’re nothing. Like you never mattered. They don’t forget about you after getting themselves to a better place. I left Marcus but I never left my family, and I never will. It’s too bad you can’t say the same.”

  “Those people are not your family,” she snapped. “I am your mother. I am your family, and when you took a husband, that man became your family. Marcus is your family.”

  “I’m not talking about this anymore.” I wiped at my face. “It’s useless. You’re not hearing me.”

  “Oh, I’m hearing you. I’m hearing you say a bunch of people you don’t share blood or bond with are the people who matter most to you. That’s what I’m hearing.”

  “Good, ’cause that’s exactly what I’m saying,” I hissed through tears, coming up on my knees and blocking Sir when he jumped up excitedly, ready to play.

  Brian sat up and got him settled, pulling him to his side.

  I continued on from my defensive stance, feeling the weight of Brian’s touch on my back.

  “Sometimes family isn’t made up of who you’re born to or who you share a name with. Sometimes it’s made up of a strange man you accidentally dial up and cuss out, or waitresses at a seaside restaurant, or seven-year-old twins who tell you you’re awesome and super pretty. Family are the people who support you and love you no matter what. Who care about your happiness and who don’t pass judgment. Who heal you. Who accept you and the life you’re living. That’s what family is, Mom.”

  “Well, then I guess it’s a good thing Barrett died and you gave up on your marriage so you could find that family, sweetheart. Otherwise you’d just be stuck with me, right? And Lord knows you don’t want that.”

  I flinched. Breath caught in my throat.

  “Mom,” I whispered, voice quivering and anxious to explain. “That’s not what I meant at all. I want more than anything for you to be in my life. I wouldn’t have called back if I didn’t. I’m just saying—”

  “I’m honestly not sure why you called back,” she replied, cutting me off. “Unless you’re moving back to Raleigh and fixing what you left behind, we don’t have anything to talk about.”

  I rocked back onto my heels.

  I was no longer defensive. My body slouched brokenly as the tears kept falling, as my lungs worked exhaustively through my sobs.

  “I love him,” I cried. “I love Brian, Mom. I’m not going back to Raleigh.”

  She breathed in my ear, slow and patiently, and for a moment I thought maybe she didn’t hear what I’d said, that maybe this wasn’t the end of whatever relationship we had left because I knew in my heart if she’d heard me, it was over.

  And still, knowing that risk, I’d never take back those words or say them so she couldn’t hear. I would never be quiet with my love for Brian. Not ever. Not even if it meant the end.

  And it did.

  She’d heard me. The call disconnected, then the dial tone sounded. That’s how I knew.

  It was over.

  I let the phone drop and took my face in my hands, sobbing hard and ugly and alone but only for a breath before Brian’s arms were wrapping around me and pulling me onto my side and against his chest, where he held me close. Dipping his head next to mine, he whispered, “Shh, baby,” against my ear while his hand stroked my hair, then he moved his lips to my cheek and kissed my tears as they fell.

  I cried. That was all I could do.

  And Brian held me through it all.

  “I’m sorry. Wild, I’m so sorry,” he told me over and over, soothing me with his voice and with his arms holding tight.

  Sir tried digging between us at one point but we were one, fused together. Nothing was penetrating.

  Our love grew stronger in those minutes.

  I felt movement at the foot of the bed as Sir settled there. He gave up. He was smart doing that.

  I burrowed deeper into my boy’s heartbeat.

  “I meant everything I said,” I sobbed into his chest. “Everything. You and Tori, everyone I’ve met here, you are the most important people to me.”

  He rubbed my back.

  “Even Jamie. I’m really rooting for him.”

  “He knows, babe. He appreciates it.”

  I quickly composed myself and leaned away.

  “I want to start having family dinners on Sundays,” I informed Brian, watching his eyes flick wider. “I’ll cook. Everyone can bring a side dish or beverages if they’d like, but it’s not required. We have a large table and I’d like to utilize that, although we’ll need more chairs. What’s your sister’s work schedule like?”

  He stared at me for a moment before responding.

  “Babe.”

  “Mm?”

  “You sure you wanna be talking about this right now?”

  I sniffed and wiped away a lonely tear.

  “Yes. I’d very much like to talk about this right now,” I replied a little curtly. “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “Considering you’ve just had a conversation that didn’t end so well and you’ve been crying in my arms for a solid thirty, I’m thinking this might not be the best time to lock down weekly plans that involve a solid commitment
from you in terms of cooking.”

  I tipped my chin up.

  “I’m not sure what you mean exactly, but if you’re trying to say I’m not in a right frame of mind to guarantee delicious meals for the people I love, I suggest you carve some time out of your schedule and get to know me a little better. Even in times of distress, I know what’s most important, Trouble.”

  His lip twitched.

  “Sounds good,” he mumbled, giving me a squeeze. “Feel like I know you, but I’m all for carving out more time and digging a little deeper, Wild.” He kissed my forehead.

  I moaned and melted closer.

  He was right. That did sound good.

  “Jenna’s off on weekends,” he said.

  “That’s good,” I replied, turning my head and resting my cheek against his chest. “I really want her and the twins there whenever they can make it.”

  “I’ll make sure to tell her.”

  “Tomorrow. Give her enough notice. And the guys. I’ll handle getting the word out to the girls.”

  A laugh rumbled behind his ribs.

  “Whatever you want, babe,” he said, so much meaning behind those words, they fought off my sadness.

  Brian settled, sat his chin on top of my head, draped his leg over both of mine, and locked me against him like he always did when we lay facing each other.

  I yawned, sleepy sighed, and wrapped my hand around his back.

  “You okay?” he asked, moving his fingers through my hair.

  I closed my eyes.

  I wasn’t sure if I had a mom anymore, but I had Brian. I had family. I had love.

  If I wasn’t okay, I knew I would be.

  Tipping my head back, I kissed the underside of his jaw, flattened my cheek to his chest, closed my eyes again, and within seconds fell fast asleep, clinging to love and the assurance everything would be okay.

  Chapter Nineteen

  BRIAN

  I thought I was protecting her.

  I thought if I kept Syd ignorant to the dirty deeds of my past, we’d be untouchable, growing in love and building on the future I wanted us to have, the one I wanted to give her.