Four Letter Word

by J. Daniels

  His eyes flickered wider.

  He wasn’t expecting to hear this from me.

  Jamie came here offering help knowing I’d resist, and still, he was here, offering it.

  Jamie McCade was one of the best fucking men I’d ever met.

  “I can’t do this alone,” I continued. “I’ve got nothing. I’m out of ways to make this shit right.”

  He grinned slowly, no doubt savoring this moment, and I let him ’cause I was done fighting this, then he slapped my shoulder, declaring, “That’s why I’m here, man. I got your back. We’ll figure something out.” He urged me to walk toward the kitchen. “Come on. I’m starving. I need to eat before we hash out a plan.”

  I still had skepticism about hashing out anything, but I kept that to myself and moved to the kitchen.

  Jenna was standing at the island with her arms crossed under her chest. Her dish was on the counter in front of her.

  “What happened?” she started the second I entered the room. “I told you not to screw it up with her, Brian. She was the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

  “Jen,” I began, tipping my head at the table. “You’re gonna want to sit down.”

  She stuck out her chest.

  “I’m fine where I am.”

  “Go sit, Jenna,” Jamie encouraged, giving her shoulder a squeeze when he moved behind her to get to the fridge. “Brian has a lot to say and you’re gonna want to be sittin’. Trust me.”

  She gave me a worried look, then dropped her arms, rounded the island, and put herself in a chair.

  I joined her, taking the seat beside her at the head of the table, propped my elbows up, and careful of my hand, linked my fingers.

  Then I proceeded to tell her everything.

  Jenna sat silent, no doubt stunned by what she was hearing.

  I wouldn’t look at her. I kept my eyes on the table as I spoke, not even looking up at Jamie when he joined us and started eating.

  It made me sick talking about it. It made me sicker when I got to the parts that involved Syd, her reaction, and the reason she wasn’t here anymore.

  I saw her face covered in tears. I thought about what she was doing now, if she was still crying and if she needed me.

  If she knew I’d be there if I could.

  When I was done confessing everything, I slouched back in my chair, kicked my legs out, and rubbed my good hand over my face.

  A chair slid against the floor, then I felt Jenna’s arm come around my back as she gave me a hug, leaning her head on my shoulder.

  “Oh, Brian,” she said softly, sounding on the verge of tears. “That accident was not your fault, sweetie.”

  “I know,” I told her, keeping my head down. “Syd got me there.”

  She had. I no longer thought about that accident the same way I did before I met her. I knew now it was all by chance. Nothing more.

  “I can’t believe you gave that family all of that money,” she said, leaning away and letting her hand slide to the back of my neck and squeeze there. When I turned my head and looked over at her, she added, “That’s unbelievable. I bet they are incredibly grateful for that.”

  I dragged in a breath and shook my head.

  “Doesn’t matter. None of it matters. I lost Syd, and unless by some miracle those videos disappear on their own, I’m fucked.”

  “Let’s brainstorm, brother,” Jamie said, dropping his fork on his empty plate and sitting tall, flattening his hands on the table. “There’s gotta be somethin’. Some other way.”

  “Like what?” I asked, my voice picking up edge. “There’s nothing else I can do.”

  “Actually,” Jenna started, tapping her finger on her lip as her eyes lost focus on the table. “You didn’t sign anything, ever, when you were working for them?” she asked, looking at me.

  “No.”

  “Hm.”

  “Hm?” I sat forward, curious. “What’s that mean?”

  She bit her lip with her eyes lowered, then stood and announced, “I’m gonna make a quick call. Be right back.”

  “To who?” I asked.

  “A partner at my firm. There might be another way,” she informed. “I need to grab my phone. It’s in the car.” She turned to walk away, stopped herself, then turned back and asked me, “How did you get the Viagra? You weren’t, like, going to a drug dealer, were you?”

  Jamie laughed.

  When I told Jenna everything, I didn’t leave shit out.

  “Got it from my PCP,” I returned. “Said I was feeling depressed after the accident and couldn’t get it up. He prescribed it.”

  “Oh.” She nodded, lost in thought. “That makes sense. Okay, good, that’s good. I’ll be back.”

  She left the room and said something to the kids, then I heard the front door opening and closing.

  “See?”

  I turned to Jamie after he spoke.

  He was smiling.

  “Told you there had to be somethin’,” he said, leaning back and tucking his hands behind his head.

  Hope bloomed in my chest. It felt strange.

  It felt fucking good.

  I let my eyes fall to my phone and thought about Syd.

  I’m fixing this, Wild.

  “Uncle Brian, Mommy said we can get something to eat if we want,” Olivia said, moving into the kitchen.

  Oliver followed behind her. He had his head down and his eyes focused on his DS screen.

  “Yeah, sure.” I stood up from the chair and went to the stove, where Syd’s Mexican Chicken thing had cooled down, then I grabbed two plates out of the cabinet and a couple of forks from the drawer.

  “Oh, cool! Are those Doritos?” Olivia asked, coming up to stand beside me as I was scooping some out onto a plate.

  I smiled.

  “Yeah. You like Doritos?” I asked her.

  “I love them! They’re the best chip ever, and they go so good with whatever that is, Uncle Brian. I can tell.”

  “What about you, Oliver? You like Doritos?” I turned my head to where he was standing at the corner of the island.

  “Cool Ranch or Regular?” he asked, eyes still focused on the screen.

  “Regular,” Olivia answered.

  “Yep,” he replied. “Can I get extra on mine?”

  “Me, too!” Olivia jumped up and down, pointing at the dish.

  “You bet,” I replied. “Get yourselves something to drink and sit down. I gotta heat this up.”

  Olivia moved behind me to get to the fridge while I scooped out more of the Mexican Chicken and dumped it onto the other plate, then I got one heating in the microwave and grabbed some napkins for both of them.

  “When will Syd be back?” Olivia asked as I was sliding napkins in front of her and Oliver, who was showing Jamie something on his DS screen.

  I straightened and gripped the back of a chair.

  “Don’t know, Liv,” I answered honestly, watching her mouth pull down as she sank on her knees in her seat.

  “Is she sad at you? Mommy gets sad sometimes and she says it’s because of a boy.”

  My teeth clenched.

  That fucking dickhead. I should fly out to Denver when my hand heals up and knock his fucking teeth out.

  Forcing my jaw to relax, I gave her my reply.

  “Yeah, Liv, she is. I made her sad.”

  Olivia lifted her one shoulder and spoke casually when she said, “Then you should fix it.”

  Just like that. As if it were that simple.

  “Trying.” I nodded, giving her a small smile in hopes that would reassure her.

  She smiled back bigger, as if she knew everything was gonna work out.

  The microwave beeped.

  I switched out the plates and heated the second one, carrying both over to the table at the same time so they could start eating together, stood across from them gripping the back of a chair, and glared over my shoulder in the direction of the living room.

  What the fuck was Jenna doing?

&n
bsp; Finally, the front door opened, shut, then quick footsteps padded on the floor and Jenna came darting into the kitchen.

  “You get your phone?” I asked, straightening and turning toward her.

  “Nope.” She smiled. “Already made the call.”

  I leaned closer. My heart crawled up into my throat.

  “And?”

  She smiled bigger.

  “There’s another way.”

  * * *

  Three days later I was standing in Mike’s office with a crowd surrounding him.

  Crystal, Holly, and Jayden were there, the girls I’d shot with who were agreeing to say the videos of us were personal property, something they could say since nobody signed shit before filming, meaning Mike didn’t own them and didn’t have rights to share. We’d all met up last night and Jenna explained the plan, asking the girls if they’d be willing to threaten a lawsuit against Mike if he didn’t take down the videos and images. Not only were they willing, but they were also sick of Mike’s shit, and on top of backing me, they were there to tell Mike they were done.

  He was pretty pissed about that. Oh fucking well.

  Jamie stood off to the side, positioned there in case I felt the urge to break the other side of Mike’s face, and Calvin, the partner at Jenna’s firm who was doing me a solid by standing in and being a presence, making the threat of suing carry a little more weight, was standing beside me.

  “You gotta be fucking shitting me,” Mike spat after hearing everyone’s piece, finding my eyes in the crowd the best he could with the one eye he had open.

  The other was still swollen shut.

  “Mr. Galloway,” Calvin stated, gaining Mike’s attention. “I suggest you take action immediately, sir, or I will. All the videos and still images containing Brian Savage are to be removed from your site. If anything is left up by accident or deliberately, my clients will be taking legal action against you. This is very serious.”

  “No, you wanna know what’s serious?” Mike snarled, leaning forward in his seat and stubbing out his cigarette. He pointed directly at me. “What I’m gonna do to that motherfucker right there. That’s what’s serious. I’m gonna tear—”

  “I suggest you stop right there, Mr. Galloway,” Calvin interrupted. “Unless you’d like me to call the authorities for threats of violence.”

  Mike lowered his hand and slid his eye to me.

  I smiled right at him, letting him eat it.

  “Get the fuck out.” He pushed his hand through the air. “All of you! Get out!”

  Slowly, everyone filed out of the office. I hung back and watched Calvin approach the desk.

  Mike looked up at him.

  “If you’d like to go ahead and get started on removing my client from your site.” Calvin pointed at the brand-new monitor gracing Mike’s desk. “We’ll leave when you’re finished,” he added before stepping back and taking a seat.

  Mike glared at me with his one eye.

  “I’ll stand. I’m good,” I told him.

  Then I watched as Mike removed all traces of me from Xstasy, and I did it grinning.

  Fucking grinning.

  It was over.

  I shook Calvin’s hand when we got outside to the parking lot. “Thanks a lot. Really appreciate you coming down here and helping me out.”

  “No problem. Happy to help.” He released my hand, produced a business card out of his suit pocket, and handed it to me. “Take care of yourself. You need anything, give me a call.”

  “Thanks.”

  I slid the card away.

  Calvin got in his black Lexus and I crossed the lot, reaching Jamie, who was waiting for me by my Jeep.

  “See?” He held his hands out, looking arrogant. “Told you somethin’ would work out. Now you can go get your girl.” He slapped my shoulder.

  “Yeah.” I nodded, scrubbing at my face with my hands. “Fuck,” I muttered.

  I couldn’t believe I was about to get her.

  “You got the store, right?” I asked him, tugging out my keys.

  He backed away toward his motorcycle.

  Fucking idiot actually bought the thing.

  “We’re good, man. Go. Do what you gotta do.”

  “Appreciate it.”

  He jerked his chin, spun around, and got to his ride.

  I climbed in the Jeep and started it up. I made it to the end of the lot when my phone started ringing in my back pocket.

  Leaning over, I yanked my cell out and checked the screen. I didn’t recognize the number.

  “This is Brian,” I answered, pulling out onto the road and heading in the direction of Tori’s house.

  I wasn’t sure if Syd was working today or not so I was starting there.

  “Brian, it’s Mona.”

  “Oh, hey. How’s it going?” I asked.

  It was weird she was calling me, but I was too focused on Syd to think anything of it.

  “I…I didn’t know if I should call you or not, but I figured you’d want to know if something happens. You were so involved with helping him.”

  A strange pressure built in my chest.

  I stopped at a red light and pressed my foot down hard on the brake.

  “Mona, what’s going on?”

  “It’s Owen. He’s sick, Brian. He’s really sick, and they don’t know if he’s gonna make it. I just got a call from his mom. It doesn’t look good.”

  “What?”

  I sat forward in my seat. My heart dropped to my stomach.

  “He’s at NHC. He’s been intubated.”

  I floored it, ignoring the light, cutting the wheel, and turning around in the middle of the intersection. I nearly sideswiped a van and gave a half-assed apologetic wave as I sped down the road in the opposite direction I was heading, passing the warehouse.

  “Brian? Did you hear me?”

  “Yeah.” I gripped the wheel tight. I felt sick. “Yeah, I heard you.”

  “I’m sorry,” Mona cried softly.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  SYDNEY

  I kept replaying my last conversation with Brian over and over again in my head.

  I relived it. I allowed myself to feel that agony all over again, seeing the pain in his eyes and hearing the hurt and hatred in his voice as he admitted what he’d been doing and why he’d been doing it.

  The why was getting to me. And the disgust for his own actions, I felt that right along with him.

  It was what had me telling Tori under no circumstance was she allowed to let me leave the house the past two days. I handed over my keys and my cell. I wasn’t on schedule to work, and I knew if I had my phone, I’d call, or if I left, I’d go to Brian and give him the comfort I was dying to give him, to tell him I understood why he did it and to ignore my own broken heart to make sure his was still beating.

  Only my boy would let guilt swallow him up like that.

  And I felt sorry for him. I did.

  I cried and I cried, thinking about what had to have been going through his mind five months ago. How shattered he must’ve felt. The internal struggle he was battling and how it probably tore him apart.

  He didn’t want to shoot those videos. He didn’t want any part of it. I believed that in my gut.

  I wondered how different it would’ve been if Marcus had tossed me aside before that accident and if I would’ve met Brian under different circumstances. In my soul I knew I would’ve, Brian and I would’ve found each other somehow, and maybe I could’ve gotten him to a place where he never got to feel that blame the way he did, meaning he never would’ve sold himself to pay back that debt.

  I could’ve stopped this entire nightmare from happening.

  I could’ve kept Brian from that dirty.

  I could’ve given him Wild like I’d promised so it was the only thing he was feeling.

  My heart was crazy.

  Officially.

  Love made you stupid and I was now the reigning mayor of Idiot Town.

  I was hurting, unbearably
so, but I cared more about how Brian was doing through all of this. I wondered if he was crying or ripping shit apart. I wondered if it was killing him not reaching out or coming over. I wondered if he was staring up at his bedroom ceiling thinking about me like I was thinking about him.

  See? Crazy.

  It took everything in me not to go to him.

  Time ticked away my misery while I lay in my bed wrapped up in Tori’s Christmas quilt. I thought about the past two months with Brian, the strange way we came together and the unbelievable weeks that followed. I smiled at the memories we’d made already, and I cried at the ones I didn’t know if we’d ever have. I thought about everything, from start to finish and in between, and I asked myself the same questions over and over again.

  Would I have left Brian if he’d given me the truth months ago when I deserved to hear it? Would I have walked away from everything, including the best thing I ever felt?

  I couldn’t answer those questions.

  I tried. God, I tried. It should’ve been easy. Yes or no.

  He broke my heart—yes, I would’ve left him.

  I understood why he did it and I felt his guilt-driven reason as if it were my own—no. I loved him. I would never leave. Not even if he could never get those videos taken down, which I was convinced of. I didn’t see how that was possible.

  Still, I would’ve stayed by his side because of what I knew.

  Brian said he was trying to protect me. I believed that.

  That heart was mine.

  But he still hurt me. Worse than Marcus.

  I couldn’t give an answer.

  What was I supposed to do?

  I was grateful for work on Tuesday. It was supposed to be a distraction, one I desperately needed. NHC was a demanding hospital, and normally, even on days when I didn’t want to keep my mind off Brian, I was too busy to think about him.

  Of course, that wasn’t the case today.

  We were so slow, my supervisor had sent one of my co-workers home.

  When I got word of this happening, I hid in the bathroom for fifteen minutes so I wouldn’t get the ax, too.

  I couldn’t go home, because I wouldn’t go home.

  I’d go to Brian.

  There was no doubt in my mind.