Crooked as a Dog's Hind Leg

by Toni L. P. Kelner

  Sue didn't think even Miz Phelps could convince herself that she could stuff herself into those panties—Miz Lamar had to be fifty pounds lighter than Miz Phelps. And Miz Phelps had enough money to buy herself a set of her own if she wanted it. Of course, she and Miz Lamar were both involved in what passed for high society in Rocky Shoals, and Sue knew that fancy cotillions meant fancy feuds. Could Miz Phelps have taken the panties just to get Miz Lamar's goat?

  Then there was Lee Fredericks. But wearing women's panties was one thing, stealing them was another. Not to mention the fact that he couldn't wear them any more than Miz Phelps could. Besides, Lee had the most to lose by being caught—a story like that could easily reach all the way to Charlotte, especially if he was found wearing the baby blue panties he'd bought last time. Sue really didn't want it to be him anyway. Commissions from his shopping trips had already paid for the spare tire on the minivan, and she was hoping for a stereo.

  That left Marie and Tori. As embarrassed as Marie was about bras, would she have risked being caught stealing panties? Especially panties that were way too big for her. Tori could have worn them, but if she was the kind to always buy the same bra, Sue didn't think she was likely to have a sudden urge to wear fancy panties.

  So nobody needed or wanted the panties, and Sue couldn't see somebody stealing them just to torment Miz Lamar. Of course, it was Ida who was in trouble, and Ida made people mad every day, but Sue could think of a whole lot better ways of getting back at her than stealing panties. As for Sue herself, even if she'd annoyed one of the customers that much, there were worse things they could do to her, too.

  Sue stuck her hands in her pockets, a habit Ida said wasn't businesslike or ladylike. That's when she figured it out. "Hold on a minute. Maybe those panties are still in the box. I better go check." Ida started to protest, but Sue talked over her. "Just so it doesn't look like I'm pulling something, I'm going to take somebody in the back with me to look. Tori, how about you?"

  Tori looked reluctant, so Sue added, "Marie will be all right for a minute."

  Tori nodded and followed her into the storeroom.

  Once they were out of earshot, Sue took a good look at Tori and deliberately poked her friend on the right side of her chest. It made a noise, like crinkling paper. Then Sue poked the left side. There was no noise, but she knew doggoned well that she wasn't poking the woman's boob either.

  "Tori, how long have you been stuffing your bra?"

  Tori's face turned bright red, but she knew she'd been caught. "Ever since high school."

  "Why would you do such a fool thing?"

  "Because I was the last one in our class to need a bra. Don't you remember?"

  "What about Lou Ann?"

  "I saw her the summer after freshman year, and she'd started wearing one, so I got one of my own and— And I stuffed it."

  "Geez, Tori."

  "You don't know how it felt, Sue. You got your bosom in junior high school. Nobody ever laughed at you."

  "Nobody ever laughed at me because I wouldn't let them," Sue pointed out.

  "I guess you're right," Tori said, "but I was pretty insecure back then."

  If she was still stuffing her bra, Sue figured that she must still be mighty insecure. "You do have a bosom now, don't you?"

  "Of course I do, but it's not as big as I'd made myself out to be. I knew people would notice if I changed sizes, so as I got bigger, I used less and less stuffing. I thought sure I'd catch up some day, but I never did."

  Did Tori really think people paid that much attention the size of her boobs? What did she do about her husband? Sue shook her head, just not understanding. Then she reached into her pocket and pulled out the wad of tissue paper that Ida had told her to pick up. "Is this yours?"

  "Is that what happened to it? It rolled out of the dressing room while I was trying on the new bra, and I couldn't find it. I had to find something to put in my bra—otherwise it would have showed!"

  She was right. The shirt she was wearing would have made it pretty obvious. It was too tight for her to hide anything. Other than Miz Lamar's panties, that is.

  Tori went on. "I looked out of the dressing room, but the only thing within reach was Miz Lamar's lingerie. I was meaning to come out of the dressing room and find something else to use, and then put the panties back. I didn't mean to cause any trouble."

  "There's not going to be any trouble." Sue held out her hand. "Give 'em here."

  Tori reached into her bra and pulled out the crumpled panties. Sue gave her the stuffing back, then took the panties and shoved them into a corner of the shipping box. "Just agree with whatever I say, all right?" They went back into the store, with Sue carrying the box.

  "Are they in there?" Ida asked, the strain showing in her voice.

  "I'm not sure." Sue made a big show of pulling out tissue paper, then acted real surprised when she found the panties. "Well, here they are. They must have been here all along."

  Miz Lamar looked suspicious, but Sue and Tori looked innocent, so there was nothing she could say other than to demand a discount for them being so wrinkled. Ida took care of it while Sue handled the other customers.

  Miz Phelps still looked indignant, and Sue was willing to bet there were going to be fireworks at the cotillion. Marie and Tori just acted glad to be getting out of there, but Tori did turn back and mouth, "Thank you," to Sue. Lee had one eyebrow raised as if he thought Sue had pulled something, but was too nice to say so. He did loudly mention that Sue ought to get a bonus for saving them all a lot of trouble. When Miz Lamar agreed, Ida gritted her teeth and said they were right.

  By the time they were all gone, there was only an hour or so until closing time, and Sue spent most of that hour looking at the New Beginnings bras. Come closing time, Sue wrapped up five of the smallest, daintiest bras Petticoat Junction sold. She figured that with her employee discount, she was still making a profit from the bonus Ida had promised her. Maybe Tiffany didn't have anything to fill the bras with, but Sue would rather she wear them empty now as to go on a panty raid twelve years down the road.

  BIBLE BELT

  This story takes place in Rocky Shoals, the town adjacent to Byerly. Belva also appears in Tight as a Tick, and both Belva and Wynette appear in Wed and Buried. (Belva appears in another story in this collection, too.)

  It took Wynette a while to find the Ten Commandments in the Bible Reverend Sweeney had left for her to read while she was in the hospital. She thought they'd be marked, but they were just stuck in with the other verses. Finally she found them in the book of Exodus. There were commandments about stealing and killing and coveting, but nothing against hitting your wife.

  There was nothing about doing other things to your wife, either. Wynette found the commandment about adultery, but that was just for people who weren't married. With Duke being her husband, it must be okay with God for him to throw her onto the bed and do whatever he wanted. If it wasn't, He'd have made a commandment against it.

  The next chapter had all kinds of other rules, and she read them, too. They weren't commandments, exactly, but since they were in the Bible, they must be God's will. There was a lot about smiting men and neighbors, mothers and fathers, and even servants, but nothing about smiting wives. She'd have thought that a wife was more important than a servant, but maybe God didn't see it that way.

  Then Wynette found something about how you shouldn't make a woman miscarry, but when she read the rest of the verse, she saw it only counted if it was another man's wife. Did that mean that God didn't mind that Duke had made her miscarry his own child?

  Could it fit under killing? Reverend Sweeney said abortion was murder, that just because a baby wasn't born yet didn't mean he wasn't a baby. Or she. Dr. Patel hadn't told her which hers was—it was probably too little for him to tell. Anyway, Wynette knew from her cousin that an abortion didn't hurt nearly as much as Duke hitting her in the stomach had.

  Duke had told Dr. Patel he hadn't known she was pregnant, even though he
had, so wasn't that bearing false witness? But the Bible only said you couldn't bear false witness against your neighbor, nothing about bearing false witness against your wife. Of course, Wynette had gone to Sunday school enough to know that neighbor in the Bible wasn't the same as a neighbor who lived next to you. “Love thy neighbor” was supposed to apply to everybody, but maybe God didn't care what men did to their wives. It seemed to Wynette that if He did, He'd have done something about Duke a long time ago. If not the first time he slapped her, then later on, when it got bad. Why hadn't God done something when Duke hit her so hard she lost a tooth? Or the time he cracked her ribs?

  She tried to read more, but the talk about oxen and feasts confused her. The print was awfully small, and her head was spinning from the medicine they'd given her. Besides, it didn't look as if God had anything to say about her. That seemed funny, because she'd gone to church every week until she got married. Then she had to quit, because Duke went out on Saturday nights and it bothered him for her to take a shower and get dressed the next morning. Now when she woke up on Sundays, she’d lie in the bed waiting for him to stir before she got up. Sometimes she had to pee so bad it hurt, but she could stand that a whole lot easier than she could stand what a hungover Duke would do if he were woken early.

  Wynette carefully closed the Bible and put it on the nightstand next to the bed. She wasn't sure if Reverend Sweeney had been giving it to her or only loaning it, so she wanted to be sure to take care of it. Then she looked for the TV control, but it was out of her reach. She didn't think Duke had put it there on purpose, because it would have been easier for him to not rent the TV for her in the first place. Besides, he was always nice to her when she was in the hospital.

  She thought about calling a nurse to get her the control, but the nurses must have more important things to worry about than her. The hospital was filled with sick people, and Wynette wasn't really sick. The doctor had said she'd be able to try and have another baby. Only next time she'd make sure Duke was ready to start a family.

  Wynette had expected her husband to be as excited as she was about the news. She'd been in the bedroom putting on makeup when Duke got home from work, because it was Friday night and she'd thought sure he'd want to go out to celebrate. But before she could tell him, he started in on her because she'd forgotten to get more beer. He'd hit her once or maybe twice before she could say anything, and then she'd blurted it out, not at all the way she'd planned, just to make him stop. Only it didn't make him stop. Hearing about the baby just made him madder. By the time Duke had stopped hurting her, their baby was dead.

  Now Wynette knew that she was going to have to make sure she didn't get pregnant again until Duke said it was okay. The thing was, he wouldn't use a rubber. Birth control pills cost money, and Duke wasn't the type to pay attention to a calendar when he was in the mood. Maybe she could get a diaphragm. Her sister, Lynn, didn't use hers anymore, so Wynette could borrow it and it wouldn't cost Duke anything.

  There was a tap at the door, and Wynette looked up and saw Belva Tucker.

  "Hey, Wynette," Belva said.

  "Hey, Belva."

  Belva came in, and pulled one of the chairs over close to the bed so they could talk without Wynette having to hold her head up. Belva was always thoughtful that way. Some people thought Belva wasn't gentle the way a woman should be because of her being one of Rocky Shoals' deputies, but Wynette knew better. She always came to see Wynette when she was in the hospital or sick. Most times she brought candy or a magazine or even flowers.

  Belva must have remembered that, too, because she said, "I'm embarrassed I don't have anything for you. I came to see Dr. Patel, and I didn't even know you were here until he mentioned it." She hesitated a minute. "I'm awfully sorry about the baby."

  "That's all right, Belva. It's probably for the best."

  "You mean because of Duke?" Belva asked, and Wynette could tell that her friend was mad.

  "Of course not," Wynette said quickly, not wanting Belva mad at her. "I just mean that there must have been something wrong with the baby or God wouldn't have taken him. Reverend Sweeney said God was being merciful."

  Belva didn't look as if she believed Wynette or Reverend Sweeney, but she nodded anyway. "Is there anything I can get you?"

  "You don't have to bring me anything, Belva. They're taking good care of me."

  "They ought to. They see you enough." Before Wynette had a chance to answer that, Belva added, "I bet you wouldn't turn down a bag of Hershey's Kisses."

  Wynette grinned and managed to keep from wincing, even though her mouth still hurt from where Duke had slapped her. "Belva, have you ever known me to turn down Hershey's Kisses?"

  "Then I'll be sure and bring you some tomorrow after church."

  "Aren't you sweet. But I might not be here that long. Dr. Patel says I might can go home in the morning."

  "That's all right——I'll find you," she said with a grin. But she got that mad look again before she said, "Are you going to be needing a place to stay when you get out of here?"

  Wynette tried to pretend she didn't know what Belva meant. "Of course not. Duke will be here to take me home."

  Belva nodded and sighed a little, as if she was sad about something.

  Just to get her thinking about something else, Wynette said, "Are you still chasing after those hijackers?"

  "You know me——I never give up," Belva said, and from the tone of her voice, Wynette knew she wasn't just talking about hijackers. "That's why I'm up here, as a matter of fact. They found another trucker with his head bashed in this morning."

  "Is he going to be all right?"

  "He should recover, but it's going to be a few days before I can talk to him. There's no telling where those bastards will be by then." She politely added, "Pardon my French."

  "That's all right," Wynette said. Lord knows Duke said worse than that every day, and besides, she didn't blame Belva for cussing. For months, a band of hijackers had been tormenting truckers all up and down the highways of North Carolina, and they seemed to be centered around their area. According to the TV news, the whole state depended on the trucking industry, which Wynette hadn't realized before. So if truckers started getting scared and taking jobs elsewhere, it could hurt everybody. And the truckers had every right to be scared—one man had already been killed.

  "You'd think the truckers would stop picking up hitchhikers," Wynette said.

  Belva said, "This one didn't. They found him at a rest stop, and it looks as if that's where he was attacked. I'm guessing he stopped to take a leak, and they jumped him in the john. From now on, I bet the truckers are going to be peeing in empty bottles rather than stop anywhere around here."

  "What was he carrying? Was it valuable?"

  "We're still trying to find out. The hijackers took all the paperwork along with the truck. It looks as if they're just hitting trucks at random, anyway. They sell the loads for whatever they can get, strip the trucks of anything else worth selling, and dump the rest." She looked at her watch. "Well, I better be getting on. You call if you need anything."

  "Thanks, but Duke will be here later."

  Belva made a noise that was almost a snort as she got up from her chair. She was halfway out the door when she turned back and asked, "Come to think of it, where was your husband last night?"

  "Duke? He was here with me." Once he realized how badly hurt she was, he'd driven her right to the hospital.

  "All night?"

  "Well, he went home at bedtime, of course." Wynette had hoped he'd come back that morning, since it was Saturday and he didn't have to work, but with Reverend Sweeney and Belva visiting, she hadn't been too lonely. "Why do you ask?"

  "Just wondering."

  "Belva, you've been working too hard," Wynette said, trying to make it sound as if it were a joke. "You'll be seeing hijackers under the bed before long." She smiled as if she knew Belva was kidding.

  Belva didn't smile back——she just looked at her as if there wer
e something she wanted to say. Then she put the TV control right where Wynette could reach it before she left.

  Wynette kept smiling until Belva was gone, even though it hurt her lip. Once, a long time ago, Wynette had called Belva after Duke beat her up. Belva had arrested Duke, even put handcuffs on him, but Wynette just couldn't let her take him away. She had still loved him then, so she swore to Belva that it was the first time it had happened, and that she was sure it wouldn't happen again.

  That night was the last time she could remember going to church, other than weddings and funerals. She'd asked Reverend Sweeney to unlock the door for her, and she stayed there for hours asking forgiveness for lying to Belva about it being the first time, and then begging God to make the second part come true, to make sure Duke never hit her again. She didn't want Him to strike Duke down with lightning or anything——she just wanted him to quit hitting her. Was that too much of a miracle to ask for? Maybe it was, because God didn't listen. So that meant she'd lied to Belva twice, and she still felt bad about it. Three times, now, she realized. Duke had left way before bedtime the night before.

  Wynette turned on the TV, but there was nothing on but ball games, so she turned the sound way down, but didn't shut off the set because Duke was paying good money for her to have that TV in her room.

  Wynette looked over at the Bible. Reverend Sweeney had said that God did everything for a reason, which meant that He must have a reason for letting Duke hit her. Was it something she'd done? Whatever it was, it must have been something awfully bad. She was trying to think of what it could be when she fell asleep.

  The next thing she knew, the evening news was on and Duke had the control and was turning the sound up so he could hear it.

  "Hey, Duke," she said, croaking a little because her throat was dry.

  He poured some water into a plastic cup, and held it for her to drink, even though she could have done it herself.

  "The ice melted," he said. "I'll tell the nurse to get you some fresh."