When Tess reached the Palisades neighborhood where Bernadette lived, she was impressed but wasn’t surprised that her cousin was residing in the high-dollar district. The entire area screamed status and exclusivity, and Bernadette’s street yelled it. When Tess steered her car into Bernadette’s semicircular driveway, even though it was dark, outside she could see the grandeur of the home with its impressive masonry work, architectural angles, and ample square footage. Bernadette had greeted her at the door with a warm hug and a chilled bottle of wine, making her feel as if she was truly home. And the icing on the cake was that Bernadette had a soul food feast of fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, collard greens, and cornbread ready for her, compliments of her leftovers from an earlier meal.
A hot shower, delicious meal, and a short time later, Tess finally felt relaxed for the first time in what seemed like months. She also felt as if she was reading a romance novel as she listened to her cousin talk about the handsome, impossibly sexy man she’d met last weekend and had lunch with earlier today. She’d always looked up to Bernadette because her cousin was smart, ambitious, practical, and funny in her own intellectually dry-wit kind of way. And most importantly, Tess knew that Bernadette truly loved her, which was the reason Tess was stretched across the opposite end of the leather sectional sofa where she and Bernadette were talking and sipping alcohol-spiked hot chocolate.
“You sound like you’re really into this guy,” Tess said to Bernadette after she took a long, soothing sip of her spiked drink.
“I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but honestly, I kind of am,” Bernadette responded with a schoolgirl grin.
“And you’ve only known him since Saturday, which was two days ago, right?”
“That’s what the calendar says.”
Tess sucked her teeth. “You know what I’m getting at, don’t you?”
“I sure do. That’s why I said I can’t believe I’m admitting that I’m into him . . . because that doesn’t happen often. I’m just as surprised, and maybe more so than you.”
“Wow, I’m trying to take it all in because I haven’t heard you breathe a word about a man in so long that I’ve lost track. But now, you’re practically singing the man’s name.”
“I am not.”
“You are, too! I wish you could step outside your body and listen to yourself, ‘Coop this and Coop that.’ The pitch and tone in your voice changes when you say his name.”
Bernadette gave Tess a serious look. “There’s something very special about him.”
“Uh-huh.”
“No, I’m serious, Tess. You know I don’t say things unless I mean it. I’m admittedly a hard critic, and I’m skeptical of practically everything. But with Coop, he’s different.”
Tess rolled her eyes. “What makes him so different?”
Bernadette set her now-lukewarm cocoa on the coffee table and leaned forward in Tess’s direction. “Cuz, what’s really going on with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You sound cynical and bitchy. I know you’re going through a rough time trying to finish your book, and you still haven’t fully resolved your feelings for Antwan, but something’s got to give. I want to help you, which is why I invited you to stay with me for as long as you need to. But I need to know what’s driving all this. What else is going on with you, Tess?”
Tess knew that everything Bernadette had just said was absolutely true. And not only was she cynical and bitchy, she was sad, hurt, and unsure, and for the first time in her life, she felt inadequate. She was amazed that after being in her cousin’s presence for only a few hours, Bernadette had uncovered the complicated root that led to emotions and truths that Tess had been trying to keep buried for the last six months. But now, Bernadette had unearthed Tess’s true struggle, put it out in the open, and was forcing her to deal with it.
“Tess, you can tell me anything and you know I won’t judge you.” Bernadette said with gentleness. “Now what’s really going on?”
Tess nodded and whispered, “It’s so hard . . .”
“Talk to me, cuz.”
A lone tear fell from Tess’s right eye. “I might not ever be able to have kids.”
“What? I don’t understand?”
“Fibroids and endometriosis.”
Bernadette let out a deep breath. “Oh, no, Tess. I didn’t know you have fibroids, but I do know that it affects a high percentage of black women. Isn’t it painful?”
“Very.”
“And endometriosis, I’ve heard about it, but I’m not that familiar with it.”
Tess shook her head. “Fibroids are a bitch, but endometriosis is a mutherfucker, and I’ve got a terrible case of it. Basically, it’s a condition where tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the womb and causes severe pain, and in some cases infertility. The scarring and pain from it is unreal and downright debilitating.”
“My goodness. When were you diagnosed?”
“During my mid-thirties.”
Bernadette’s face was covered in concern and alarm. “Tess, I can’t believe this. Why didn’t you tell me before now?”
“Because at the time you’d been going through all kinds of shit after your breakup with that bastard Walter, and I didn’t want to worry you.”
“Did you tell your mom?”
“No, because I knew she’d get right on the phone with your mom, and then you’d end up knowing anyway. So I just went through everything by myself.”
“Listen, you’re my family and I love you. I’ll always be here for you no matter what. You could’ve still come to me, Tess.”
“In retrospect I guess you’re right,” Tess said, then took a big gulp of her drink. “I’d started having really bad periods to the point that it was a struggle for me to function through a full day of writing. Once my OB-GYN told me what was wrong I changed my diet, underwent Lupron shots to shrink the fibroids, and tried every kind of holistic medicine concoction I could get my hands on. But none of it worked. My doctor told me that my fertility was literally hanging in the balance, so about a year before I met Antwan, I had a myomec-tomy.”
“A what?”
“It’s a surgery to remove fibroids. I had one the size of a grapefruit, and when you have large fibroids it makes it extremely difficult to conceive and carry to full term. I wasn’t in a relationship at the time, but I knew I wanted to have a baby one day, so I scheduled the surgery. It wasn’t until they’d opened me up on the operating table that they discovered the endometriosis, which was covering nearly my entire abdominal wall.”
“Oh, Tess,” Bernadette said with gentleness. “I’m so sorry you went through all that alone.”
“It was a mess for sure. Well, fast-forward to about six months ago, the bleeding and pain came back again in full force, and I immediately knew what it was.” Tess lowered her head. “I’m back at square one, and it’s worse this time. My doctor said I have eight fibroids the size of apples and a few marble-size ones, which is why my clothing of choice these days has largely consisted of oversized shirts and sweatpants.”
“Wow, I had no idea you were dealing with all this.”
“But that’s not even the tip of the avalanche.”
“What else is going on?”
“I have a lazy ovary.”
Bernadette’s eyes grew large. “A lazy ovary?” she repeated.
“I know, right?” Tess said as she shook her head. “The correct term is premature ovarian failure, and it’s exactly what it sounds like. My old-ass eggs are in bad shape, and that, along with my other problems, is why my doctor strongly recommended that I have a hysterectomy. I didn’t want to accept it, so I got three additional second opinions, and they all said the same thing.”
“When are you going to have the surgery? And don’t worry, no matter what the date, I will be there.”
Tess guzzled down the remainder of her liquored-up hot chocolate, then placed her cup on the end table next to her. “I know it might sound crazy, but
I’m not ready to give up on the remote possibility of having a child. I’m a fiction writer, and in my world anything is possible.”
“Yes, anything is possible but, cuz, it sounds like your condition is really bad. At this point the most important factor is your health. You can always adopt.”
“I know but, Bernadette, I want to carry a baby inside of me. I want to experience the feeling of knowing that there’s life inside my body.”
“I hear you, but you may have to accept the fact, just like I have, that childbearing isn’t in the cards for you.”
Tess sighed. “I’m forty years old, never been married, and never been pregnant. But none of that’s by choice. I’ve always wanted a husband, two or three kids, a dog, and . . . a family to call my own, you know?”
“You’re preaching to the choir. Add ten years onto everything you just said and that’s me.”
The two cousins stared at each other in silent agreement and solidarity. Tess didn’t realize how much hurt she’d been carrying until this moment. “Even if I didn’t have a man, or a dog, I hung on to the hope that I still had the ability to get pregnant, but these damn fibroids, endometriosis, and a fucking lazy ovary is trying to rob me of that.”
Tess wasn’t a crier, and she hated that she could feel more tears forming in her eyes. “Damnit,” she hissed. “All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved. I mean genuinely loved. A man might not do it, but I thought if I had a child I’d have a shot. It’s crazy that I spent the better part of my adult life taking birth control pills and avoiding pregnancy at all costs because I was holding on to the idea of the husband and white picket fence in the burbs. But now that I want to get pregnant with or without all the accessories, I can’t, and if by some miracle I’m able to conceive there’s a strong chance that I won’t carry to full term. Ain’t that a bitch?”
“Life isn’t fair, that’s for sure. But, Tess, you need to make a decision about your health. How are you feeling now?”
“I’m fine, physically. But as you can see, I’m an emotional wreck.”
Bernadette rose from her side of the couch and sat beside Tess. “I found a really good doctor here in Bourbon and I can give you her number if you’d like. It never hurts to have a fifth second opinion.”
Tess tried to smile. “Thanks, cuz, but that’s okay. I just need time to think and breathe.”
“Everything is going to work out, Tess, it always does.”
It was nearly three in the morning before Tess and Bernadette finally went to bed. Bernadette had given Tess a large bedroom upstairs, which was beautifully decorated in subtle earth tones. She was glad that Bernadette’s master bedroom was downstairs because it gave her the privacy she needed to write, clear her mind, and heal.
She walked over to the large chest of drawers on the opposite side of the room and fished through the wicker basket that Bernadette had filled with apples, oranges, chips, water, and a few chocolate treats. Tess took a bottle of spring water because her flight and alcohol had left her dehydrated. Once she was snuggled under the soft sheets she stretched her arms and legs, feeling a new sense of comfort. She’d been in Bourbon for less than a day and she could already see that this visit was exactly what she needed.
Tess was relieved to have released the burden of her health and reproductive challenges that she’d been carrying for what felt like a lifetime, and she was sure that her anger, obsession, and stalker-like behavior toward Antwan was a direct result of the frustration and regret she felt about her own life. When she’d seen Antwan and his new bride, who looked to be at the peak of childbearing age, it had reminded her of what she didn’t have and might never obtain—a husband and children. A family. A happily-ever-after. But for now she knew she needed to block those thoughts from her mind because she was tired from her long day, and she needed a good night’s sleep.
As Tess lay in the plush comfort of the king-size bed, preparing herself for sleep, she allowed herself the comfort of knowing that she needed to put the past behind her and grab hold of hope because she knew if Bernadette’s situation could turn around for the better, so could hers.
* * *
Tess’s eyes fluttered as she slowly awoke to the sun’s bright light that was fighting to enter her room through the tiny slits in the custom bamboo miniblinds hanging at the window. She reached for her phone that was sitting on the nightstand, and couldn’t believe it was 10 a.m. She was a night owl by nature, rarely falling asleep until the wee hours of the morning, so rising early wasn’t her thing. Because she only averaged a few hours of sleep each night, Tess usually felt fatigued and sometimes needed to take a nap on some days. But this morning was markedly different, and she could feel the shift deep within. She knew things had changed, not because she was in a new city and state, or because she was waking up in a bed that was not her own. This morning was different because she was in a place where she felt loved.
When Tess thought about how her cousin had graciously opened her home, had a delicious meal, albeit leftovers, waiting for her, and then had made her cocoa—which was her favorite thing to drink during winter months—and had taken the time to stay up late and talk with her, she couldn’t help but smile.
Tess stretched her wiry arms, yawned, and then swung her long, lanky legs over the side of the large bed. She slipped her feet into the fuzzy, warm house slippers that Bernadette had let her borrow, than tied her thick, leopard-pattern terry-cloth robe around her body and walked downstairs.
Now that the sun was beaming through the large windows spread throughout Bernadette’s four-thousand-square-foot house, Tess was able to take in the pure beauty and grandeur of the place her cousin now called home. Tess knew that Bernadette had always had a great sense of style when it came to home décor, but as she walked toward the kitchen and then through Bernadette’s tastefully arranged living room she knew that if her cousin decided to exit corporate America, she could easily start a career in the interior design business.
Tess walked over toward the large set of windows in the dining room and touched the dupioni silk curtains that give the room an effortless sense of luxurious grace. Her fingers slid across the gray and white colored material that felt so good that Tess could envision herself wearing an outfit made of it. She started laughing because it conjured up the image of the iconic skit that Carol Burnett performed when she’d spoofed the movie Gone with the Wind, pretending to be Scarlett O’Hara, wearing a dress made of curtains. This was the first time that Tess had laughed in weeks, and she realized how good it felt. “Yep, things are on the upswing,” she said aloud.
Once she entered the kitchen, Tess smiled again. Bernadette had left a note detailing where she could find various things in her large chef’s kitchen, along with some of Tess’s favorite hazelnut-flavored coffee. Tess was nearly in tears when she thought about the love and kindness that her cousin had showered upon her in less than twenty-four hours, and she was determined to not let it be in vain.
After she made her coffee and toasted a cinnamon raison bagel, Tess marched back upstairs with a clear mind and determination to have a great day, and more specifically, she wanted to make significant progress on her manuscript. She’d already missed her deadline and now she was in catch-up mode. She knew that her legions of faithful readers were more than ready for her next book, and she didn’t want to disappoint them. She knew that she needed to do something special with the book she was writing, and she wanted it to be meaningful. “I need to channel all the bullshit I’ve experienced into something useful,” she said as she removed her nightgown and stepped into the shower.
Twenty minutes later, warmly dressed and smelling fresh, Tess sat at the small desk in the room to begin writing. As she opened up her document and stared at the words on the screen, she suddenly felt an overwhelming avalanche of fear blanket her thoughts, realizing exactly what she was up against. Her manuscript was past due and she wasn’t even a fourth of the way finished.
Get your head back in the game, Tess, the voice
of reason said to her. Focus your thoughts and energy into the things that are going right instead of concentrating on or even giving attention to the things that go wrong.
Then the other voice, the one of indulgence, countered what she’d just heard by saying, You’ve been through so much and you need to take some time for yourself. Take a break, relax, and get back to your writing tomorrow. In the meantime, you can go online and see what that scumbag, Antwan, is up to. It might even give you good writing material.
Whenever Tess’s calm voice appeared, her hot-tempered other side would flare up and challenge anything that seemed reasonable or had sound logic behind it. Sitting at her adopted desk in Bernadette’s beautifully decorated guest bedroom, Tess knew that she was blessed to have this opportunity and she needed to make the most of it. Even though she was tempted to minimize her document and click the Instagram icon on her screen, she resisted. She closed her eyes, looked up toward the ceiling, and said a silent prayer.
Ten hours later it was eleven o’clock at night. Tess had only left her room once when she’d gone downstairs to forage for food. She’d made a turkey breast sandwich and grabbed a can of Planters almonds that she’d found in Bernadette’s pantry. Then she returned to her room to settle in for a long stretch of writing. She’d texted Bernadette earlier that afternoon to let her know that she’d be sequestered in her room and not to worry about checking on her after work.
Tess rose from her desk and paced the floor; an exercise she’d performed several times throughout the day to prevent her legs from stiffening and to keep her blood circulating. She was pleased with her progress, despite her shaky start that morning. After she’d listened to her calm voice and settled into her writing mode, it had still felt slightly off. She knew that something had to change, and before she knew it, she’d hit Select All and Delete.
The Other Side Page 16
