Me.
With all my faults.
Convinced by Eleanor and reiterated by myself, I had allowed myself to get stuck in a feedback loop that I was nothing more than a fatty destined for a life alone. According to Eleanor no good-looking man could possibly be interested in me. The best I could ever hope for was a man with little prospects who would be willing to settle on me because I was a good and understanding person.
I had believed it all. Even after I had seen what she had done that one time at the bar we had gone to. When I overheard her telling a guy that I was actually married with two kids so he shouldn’t waste his time with me. I had liked him too, but when I had cornered her she said she had done it for my own good. She knew his kind. He was no good.
In fact, for as far back as I could remember she had played this long game of convincing me that she was the hot one and I was the ugly best friend. Chad had upended that, and I guess, it was taking a while for it to sink in. So I repeated the fact.
Chad chose me.
I poured the vodka-soda down the sink, cleaned the mess I had made, then made myself a real drink. I took a sip and rationally went through what happened last night. Yes, the woman had rubbed herself against him, and yes, he had not pushed her away as quickly as I would have wanted, but if I was reasonable then it was obvious it was because he couldn’t. If he had pushed her off immediately or as if he found her unattractive, the premise of the whole show would have been ruined. The fantasy that he was available to all those women would have been shattered.
I finished my drink and poured myself another. I let my gaze fall on the photography equipment I had been messing about with all day. I remembered how excited he’d been to buy it for me. How thrilled he had seemed to be setting me up with the kind of life here that I had always dreamed about. Even my deep insecurity couldn’t pretend that he did that with every woman he danced with.
I felt this swell in my chest. I didn’t recognize the emotion at once, but it was strong and solid. Stronger than anything I’d ever felt for any man. In my heart, I knew it was love. Of course, I wouldn’t say it to him yet, but I was glad it was him.
Chad treated me as if he couldn’t believe his eyes, as if he had found the most beautiful woman in the world. He was funny, charming, talented, ambitious, tinges of his old bad-boy past clinging to him. He was the man I would have written out for myself if I could, filling in each detail carefully, one at a time. And now that I was with such a man, was it so unusual that I would question my unbelievable luck? A man so perfect, so desirable, wanting me?
I spent the rest of the night learning how to Photoshop. Every time I started thinking of him I’d shake the thoughts from my mind. Of a woman climbing all over him, touching his chest, his stomach, his legs, his ass? Was there so much raw sexual passion in the air that he would need to work it off with her afterwards? Would he bring someone else back to his dressing room, work out his tension on her? I simply pushed it back and turned my mind back to my work.
But after a while I became mentally exhausted with the effort. I got out of the apartment and walked along the beach. The sound of the waves soothed me and I took off my sandals and stood in the cool water. It was so beautiful and peaceful, but I didn’t feel happy.
I knew a difficult time lay in front of me. I loved Chad, but I hated having to share him. And I knew I wasn’t a good enough actress to pull of pretending his job didn’t matter to me. When I got in I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling, the smell of him was still fresh on the sheets. I hoped he would call again, but he didn’t. I got out of bed and poured myself a generous measure of Vodka. I stared out of the window at the restless waves and waited for him to call me. I waited until nearly two in the morning.
Tears stung my eyes. I really thought he would call.
Being here while he was away performing was worse than being at the performance and watching him with a woman. I missed him so much I cried myself to sleep. The last thought I had, before my mind drifted into merciful sleep, was you’re going to get hurt, you know.
The first thing I did when I woke up the next day was turn my head and look at the empty pillow next to me. God, how I missed him. I checked my phone and there was no message. It actually made me feel sick to see he had not called or even left a text.
I pulled myself out of bed and ate some toast for breakfast. My stomach was a little swirly from the booze so I took my time, chewing slowly as I cast my eye around the apartment. I wondered how long it had taken him to save for a place like this. It was so masculine and immaculate it felt as though there wasn’t room for me in it.
I wondered where he was and why he did not call. I stared out of the window at the ocean. A dog ran past. Its fur was flying and it looked so happy. This should have been the most incredible week of my life, and yet I was letting those insecure voices whisper into my ear and ruin everything. There could have been any number of reasons why he did not call. I wasn’t going to let myself jump to any conclusions. I did enough of that last night.
I decided on a shower, hoping the hot water would be enough to wash away my hangover. It did kind of help. I sat on the edge of the bed, my hair pulled up into a towel and wearing an old shirt of his, and thought about what I wanted to do for the day. The photography equipment stood in the living room, but until I knew where he was it didn’t have any pull at all for me. Maybe I should get out of the house. Get a coffee or something. It would help take my mind away from brooding about him.
I was about to get up and put on some clothes to go out when the door opened. My heart leapt, and then twisted up in my chest; it was him, no doubt about that, but I wasn’t sure what I was going to see in his eyes.
“Hey,” he called into the house.
“I’m in here,” I croaked.
“Sorry I didn’t message you, my phone ran out of battery and I left my charger at the hotel,” he said as he entered the bedroom, but as soon as he saw me, his face dropped. Was I that obvious? He stood for a moment looking at me. Neither of us said anything, then he came and sat next to me, and wound his arms around me. God, help me, but I noticed that he smelled different than normal. I tried to tell myself it was just the hotel soap and shampoo, but my rattled brain wouldn’t take another woman off the list of possibilities. Instinctively, I drew away from him.
“Hey, what’s going on?” he asked gently.
I jumped to my feet and began to pace. “I’m so sorry,” I blurted out, shaking my head. “I know I’ve been off the last couple of days, I just feel…” I trailed off. He deserved an explanation, but I felt such a fool. Unable to meet his gaze, I turned and looked to the ocean. He said nothing while I took control of my thoughts once more. Chad sat in silence, waiting for me to explain myself.
“I’m really glad you’re back,” I confessed, sitting down next to him on the bed and leaning against him.
“But…” He wrapped his arms around me once more, pulling me close, and he pushed his face into my hair, inhaling deeply.
“No, buts. I’m really glad you’re back.”
“Well, I’m really glad to be back too,” he murmured, and the vibration of his voice ran through my entire body.
“You want to tell me what’s up?” he prompted softly.
I swallowed hard. He had been good to me and I owed him this. I lifted my head from his chest, looked him in the eye, and just came out with the truth. “I’m just scared,” I confessed.
“Of what?”
“Your job.”
He frowned.
“When you picked me out of the crowd and pulled me up on stage, I’d never felt anything like it before in my life. And I thought it was special. Nothing like that had ever happened to me, but then last night, I saw the way you were with those women at the show.” I bit my lip. “And I realized it wasn’t special, after all.”
He shook his head. “What are you talking about?”
“I mean. This is what you do for living. Pick women out of crowds, dance with them and fu
lfill their fantasies. So I don’t know if you’re…if it’s just me or if you felt a real connection with me,” I admitted at last.
He sat there in stunned silence, and I knew that he was hurt by what I was saying. “Madison,” he finally explained, “I’ve never felt the connection I have with you for anyone. And I’ve danced so many shows, so many women, I can’t even begin—”
“Yeah, I don’t need reminding,” I interrupted quickly. I couldn’t to go there. One issue at a time was enough. I was not ready to show him what a green-eyed monster I had become.
He closed his eyes for a moment. “I’m sorry. I just want you to know, this isn’t normal for me. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never met anyone like you before.”
“I’m sorry too,” I apologized. “I know that it’s not fair for me to be upset about your job. You were doing it when I met you, I can’t get…I can’t be mad about this.”
“You can’t help the way that you feel.” He pulled me tighter against his body, as though he didn’t want me to get away. “I know it’s hard to handle. You should have seen my dad’s face when I told him.”
“You said you got into it to piss off your dad. You think he’s pissed off enough now?” I was smiling wryly when I said it, to let him know that I was only kidding. I didn’t actually expect him to give it up, but he knitted his brows together and sighed.
“You know, I’ve been doing this for so long that I don’t even…I couldn’t even imagine my life without it, you know?”
“I know. I’m not asking you to give up your job or anything, obviously. It’s just something I have to work out in my head. Just be a little patient with me, okay.”
“It’s just a job, Madison.”
“I know.” I nodded. “It’s just a job to you, I get that, but seeing you kiss those women—”
“Like an actor kissing someone for a part,” he cut me off. “It doesn’t mean anything. In fact, sometimes, I can’t wait for the show to be over. I only care when I kiss you.”
I swallowed. “I couldn’t help but think, you know, when I saw that girl kiss you on stage that, it was just the same as it was when you were kissing me,” I admitted quietly, completely embarrassed that I was being so honest about my insecurity, but he was being honest with me and he deserved my sincerity to.
“It’s not like that,” he said urgently. “You have to understand that.”
“What if one day, a woman makes you feel the way I did?” I asked. “Will you go with her?”
He closed his eyes. “It’s never going to be like that again,” he promised.
“What if the shoe was on the other foot, and I was pulling a man up from the audience and grinding myself against him.”
His is jaw clenched so tight the muscles at the side of his face jumped violently. “I’d fucking kill that bastard.”
“See what I mean now.”
“Okay, okay. You made your point,” he conceded. “But I want you to understand something. People like you…”
“People like me are scared that they’ve just given up everything in their lives to follow someone they don’t know across the world,” I finished for him. I needed him to convince me that I’d made the right choice once and for all.
He touched his finger to my chin and drew my face round to his and looked deep into my eyes. “People like you come once in a lifetime. Some men are stupid, they need time to convince themselves and ‘give up’ their freedom, not me. I’ve had more than my share of women. And I can tell you, meaningless sex, no matter how exciting, just leaves you feeling empty.”
“You’re not just saying this to make me feel better.”
“How about this?” he suggested, running his hands through his hair, and suddenly I saw how tired he was. To arrive this early he must have caught a flight in the early morning hours. I was so grateful that he was willing to sit up with me and make sure that I was feeling okay above anything else.
“I only started doing this because I wanted to piss off my family and make some quick money.” He gestured around at the apartment. “Well, mission accomplished. I only have a couple of months on my contract left, and after that…honestly, I’m ready to give it up. It’s been fun, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not worth hurting you over.”
My eyes nearly popped out of my head. “What?”
He shrugged. “I don’t want to hurt you. The last thing in the world I want to do is that.”
“You’re serious?” I gaped at him. I could hardly believe what I was hearing, feeling.
“Yeah, I’m serious,” he replied.
“But I’d hate you to give up something you love because of me.”
“I’ve been thinking. Its crossed my mind the last year that I should move into something else. I mean, I’m not getting any younger. I can’t be doing this for the rest of my life, can I?”
“Are you sure?” I asked quietly.
“I’m not a kid anymore. I’m ready to start something new,” he replied firmly. “You’re just the spur I need to make it happen.”
“What, dancing into your sixties?” I teased. “I don’t know, I’m sure there’s a market for that.”
“I’m not sure I want to find out.” He pulled a face, and I realized that my hands were trembling with happiness. In the past, when I’d been vulnerable like this, I had been so used to being shot down, or told that I was acting crazy, and for him to listen to me and hear what I was saying and go out of his way to fix things…it made me feel so valued. So loved.
There was that word again. I pushed it to the back of my mind. We both needed some time yet. I managed a smile. “So, a couple more months and you’ll be done with it?” I confirmed.
He nodded. “I promise. I want to start my own business. Do something that I can pass on to my kids, you know?”
“Kids?” I raised my eyebrows, and he grinned.
“Maybe,” he replied, and bounced to his feet. “Come on, let’s go out for a while. I want to celebrate.”
“Celebrate what?” I grinned, taking his hand and letting him pull me to my feet. “We haven’t done anything yet.”
“Celebrate the fact that we’re together,” he replied simply.
“Aren’t you tired? Don’t you want to sleep?”
“I’ll sleep when I’m a grandpa.”
And I couldn’t keep the smile from my face as I thought about what was to come. A couple more months, and I would have him all to myself. Only a couple more months. The world felt a hell of a lot brighter than it had done before he walked through the door like a ray of sunshine.
Now I knew, without doubt, that Chad was as serious about this as I was.
Chapter 27
Madison
A Month Later
“Sasha?” I said, as soon as my sister answered the phone.
“Maddy, what’s wrong?” my sister asked worriedly, and I wondered if I was that transparent. I felt as though I needed two weeks of sleep, ten drinks, and at least a full session of a total-body massage to even begin to feel better again.
I took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. I still hadn’t figured out how I was going to tell my sister that I was pregnant. It was the most reckless thing I had ever done in my life and she would be shocked. As far as she was concerned, I was just having a good time, and one day I would pack my bags and go back to England. This was going to come as a shocker.
I only found out yesterday. Something felt off, but I had convinced myself I was just paranoid. It was all down to moving to a new country and getting used to the weather, and the food, and the different time zone.
Chad was still dancing, but I had convinced Chad going to his shows would only make my jealousy worse and render the next couple of months harder. He had accepted that, even though I was pretty sure he was a little pissed we didn’t get to repeat that hot hook-up in his dressing room again. When he went to work I spent those evenings hiding out in the apartment and pretending like none of it was happening.
I worked
on my photography, slowly getting a grasp on how to use all the equipment and software he had purchased for me. To take my mind off what he was getting up to I’d even set up an Instagram account so I could start sharing some of my photographs and then when he came home I tried to be sexy and remind him that I was his woman, but something had changed between us.
Chad was being a little off with me these last few days. I knew it was not my imagination. Something was definitely up. The other day I walked into the room and he was talking to someone on the phone, but when he saw me he ended the call and pretended it was one of the guys from the show.
I knew it was not.
It hurt me that he lied to me, but I couldn’t confront him about it. Of course, then I didn’t know I was already pregnant, but I guess, having my hormones screwed up made me a coward. I played along and didn’t push him to tell me who he was really talking to. I told myself I would start to withdraw my feelings from him. Slowly, I would make myself fall out of love with him, and prepare to return home. Back to where I belonged. Sasha was right. It was just a fling and the sooner I saw it as that, the faster I could get on with my life.
Now I wish I could go back to a time when the only thing I had to worry about was leaving Chad. When I realized that my period was late it hit me with a gut-wrenching pain that there was something else going on too. Something scary. Something bigger than I’d ever imagined.
I snuck out to the drugstore and grabbed a pregnancy test, and came home and sat on the bathroom floor in horror for a whole hour. Then I went out and bought another. I stared at those two blue lines in disbelief for ages.
We had been so careful. The only thing I could think of was the condom must have split during one of our marathon sessions.
By the time that I accepted that I was, in fact, pregnant, I was three tests deep and so lost in panic I could hardly see straight. But Chad was coming home in an couple of hours and I had to accept it and deal with it.
I was pregnant, Chad was the father, and I was convinced he had already moved on, found someone else. I had never felt smaller or more insignificant in my entire life. My heart ached with pain for me and my unborn child. I wanted with all my heart to keep my baby. I was so far from home. So far from my support system. I didn’t want to be a single mother on my own with no way to support myself. I threw away the tests and fortified myself.
Too hot to handle: A curvy girl romance Page 12
