Thorn in My Heart

by Liz Curtis Higgs

  Though it wasn't his eye she longed to catch. It was his heart.

  Her conscience wisely reminded her of her role that day: A proxy bride. No more than that.

  “Come, Neda,” she said, keeping her tone light. “Finish pinning the kell in place. They're shouting for a bride on the lawn.” Susanne and the others had already swept down the stair to join the wedding guests gathered for the procession to the kirk. Jamie had agreed to explain the unusual turn of events. Leana could only imagine what their neighbors would think of it all. When Fergus McDougal had put her aside last month, gossip had flown thick and fast through the parish hills. A proxy wedding would keep them blethering until Candlemas.

  Neda pressed a pair of gloves into her hands. “Best put these on, and say a prayer for your sister in her travels. If your mother were here, that's what she'd be tellin ye.”

  Leana slipped her fingers inside the white silk, smoothing the fabric in place, then dropped her hands to her side with a pensive sigh. “What would Mother think of all this, Neda?” Leana turned aside to circle the room, afraid of what she might see in Neda's eyes. “Would Agness McBride be in this room, helping me dress to take my sister's place? Or would she be busy in the spence, sending notice to our neighbors that the wedding must wait for Roses return, never mind the trouble and expense?”

  “I…canna say, lass.”

  “Then you have said.” Leana turned to find Neda's coppery head bowed with regret. “You think what I'm doing is wrong.”

  “Nae, I do not.” Neda lifted her chin to meet her gaze. “I think what your faither is doin’ is wrong, putting his thrifite before honor. And I think what Jamie is doin is wrong, marryin’ a child who does not love him instead of marryin a woman who loves him with all her heart.”

  “Neda, please!” Leana glanced at the door to the hall in dismay, dropping her voice to a terse whisper. “Do not say such things.”

  The housekeeper folded her hands before her and straightened her back. “I will say this, and then I will say no mair: This day was not of yer choosin, but it's a day the Lord has made, and so we're to rejoice and be glad in it. Take it as a gift. Hug it close to ye. Make merry with yer friends. And show James McKie what a fine wife he might have had.”

  Leana wrinkled her brow in confusion. “Am I to…punish Jamie then?”

  “ Och, not at all! Ye're to please him, lass. He deserves a fine waddin as well.” Neda fussed with the kell for a moment, as though considering what she might say next. “I think young Jamie will not mind havin ye for his proxy bride. I've watched him look at ye when he thinks ye dinna see him.”

  “You have?” Leana's hands grew cool inside her mother's gloves.

  “Aye. Niver with disrespect, mind ye.”

  “But he loves Rose,” she protested.

  Neda shrugged. “So he often says. But he looks at you. Like a man who wishes for somethin he canna have.”

  Leana pushed down the hope rising inside her like yeast dough on a warm hearth. “He has no need to wish for me when he has Rose.”

  “Aye, but does he have yer sister?” Neda regarded her evenly. “If so, whaur is the lass? Have ye not considered that she might be stayin away on purpose? She was sair afraid of marriage, Leana. And not in love widi Jamie McKie, best I could tell.”

  “Neda, dont…” She pressed her hand to her mouth, the faint scent of lavender from her mother's gloves calming her, giving her strength. “Don't…tempt me with this.”

  “ ‘Tis not a temptation if he loves ye back.”

  “Jamie doesn't love me, Neda, and I cannot pretend that he does.”

  Neda chuckled softly. “Nae, but I can, if only for the day, watchin ye take yer vows.” Brushing a last bit of lint from Leana's gown, the housekeeper nodded with satisfaction. “It's time ye made yer appearance, or yer faither will be stormin up here lookin for ye.” Neda touched a hand to her cheek, then hurried out the door, leaving Leana with naught to do but follow.

  Out on the lawn the Lowland bagpiper was filling his bag, preparing to pipe the bridal party to the kirk in Newabbey. With squeaks and grunts, the cylindrical chanter came to life as the notes of a lively reel accompanied Leana down the stair. By now Jamie had likely been spirited away to the barn with some of the young men of the parish, prepared to follow discreedy behind the bridal party, well out of sight. Judging by the noise beyond the front door, the rest of the household had moved to the lawn. Some waited on foot, others on horseback. All bore bridal favors and libations to share with travelers they might meet along the way.

  Her father waited for her at the bottom of the stair, dressed in his best coat and waistcoat, his ebony hair gathered into a severe knot. His dark eyes appraised her as she drew near, though she saw no affection in his gaze and heard even less in his voice. “Where is Rose's gown?”

  “I could not bring myself to wear it, Father.” Seeing his brow darken, she hastened to explain. “If Rose arrives in time, she'll have need of it. And if she does not appear until the morn, I want her to find her gown clean and pressed, waiting for her.”

  “Never mind your sister just now.” He glanced about, as though looking for attentive ears, then lowered his voice. “Your gown is bonny enough to catch Jamie's eye.”

  A chill ran down her back. It isrit his eye I hng to catch. Her own thoughts only moments ago! What else might her father know? She looked away, lest he read her face like a book. “It is too late to catch Jamie's eye.”

  “You're about to be a bride, Leana. The kell, the kirk, and the vows. I believe I've made the best of the situation, don't you agree?”

  “Father!” Her head snapped back as panic beat a path to her heart. “Don't tell me that's what this proxy business is all about!”

  “This proxy business,’ as you call it, is meant to bind your cousin to this property in marriage. Though it matters not which daughter he claims, you are the better choice.”

  His cold logic frightened her. “But I cannot simply steal Jamie, as though he were a wedding gift left unattended.”

  “But that's exacdy what the lad is: unattended.” Lachlan looked about him. “I see no sign of Rose. For all we know, the lass has no intentions of going through with this wedding. But I do. I've paid for it, and I'll see it done. With you as the bride.”

  “ Why, Father? Why like this?” Distraught, she asked more boldly than she should, “If I was, as you say, the better choice, why did you not insist Jamie marry me from the beginning?”

  He wagged his head, as though only fools asked such questions. “I cannot tell my nephew whom he will marry. I can only tell him which of my daughters he may not marry.” His lips curled, but he did not smile. “A father's rights only extend so far, Leana. I'd hoped your appearance in kirk today might give Jamie a reason to change his mind.”

  “Your hopes are in vain, Father.” Determined not to be swayed by his twisted sense of reason, she led him toward the door, her chin held high. “I am merely Rose's proxy, as you requested.”

  “Your sister is too young to grasp the meaning of love, and we both ken it well.” He stepped close behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders and bending over to growl in her ear. “Let me say this more plainly: Jamie stole your heart months ago. See that he lays claim to the rest of you before the morn's morn.”

  “Father!” Stunned, she spun around to face him. “I will not behave like a—”

  “Wheesht!” He grabbed her roughly by the arms and pulled her away from the door. “Need I remind you that no man will have you?”

  The truth at last: Her father wanted rid of her.

  She turned her head, feeling ill. His face was too close, his contempt as thick as the whisky on his breath.

  Lachlan shook her, as though she'd not heard every terrible word. “I promised to get you a husband, Leana, and I have done my duty by you. See that you do yours before this day ends.”

  “My…duty?”

  He released her as abrupdy as he'd seized her. “You ken very well what I m
ean.”

  Leana swallowed the bile that soured the back of her throat. “And if I do not do this…duty?”

  He threw words at her like stones. “Then you will never marry. Never. It is Jamie McKie, or it is no one. The wedding vows you speak today will not be spoken by you again in your lifetime. Do I make myself clear?”

  Forty-Six

  Oh, why should vows so fondly made,

  Be broken ere the morrow,

  To one who loves as never maid

  Loved in this world of sorrow?

  JAMES HOGG

  Even so, I take him before God and in the presence of his congregation. Leana held back her tears, whispering the vows in her heart, practicing for when she would say those words aloud to Jamie. Even so I take him. Aye, she would gladly take him as her true husband. But not with tricks and threats, her father's stock in trade. Not by seduction or deception. Not simply because Rose was not there to stop her. Nae. Leana would bravely show Jamie her heart, in as many honest ways as she could, and let him choose her or not, once and for all. She could bear a lifetime alone; she could not bear a lifetime of wondering if one last appeal might have changed his mind.

  The assembly prepared to leave for the kirk, most of them on horseback. A volley of pistol shots rang through the wintry air, followed by girlish screams and male laughter. The horses whinnied and shook their heads but kept their feet on the ground, while a startled wren took to the sky. The piper abrupdy changed his tune, and the gathering ambled forward with Duncan leading the way, pulling her horses reins as she clung to the pommel.

  The day was colder than any Hogmanay in memory. Though the air was dry at the moment, the low gray clouds seemed thick with possibilities. Jamie rode well behind her, since tradition required the bride to arrive at the kirk first. A groom waiting for his bride was considered most unlucky, though in truth Jamie was doing just that: waiting for Rose.

  “Say a prayer for your sister in her travels,” Neda had said. Aye, but what to pray? That her sister would arrive shortly and claim Jamie forever? Or that her sister be delayed in Twyneholm another day or two? Leana was ashamed to admit which prayer she favored, and so she simply prayed for Rose's safety and trusted God for the outcome.

  Around her, neighbors linked arms and serenaded her with the usual wedding fare: “There Cam a Young Man,” and “I Hae a Wife o’ My Ain.” When they begged her to sing “I Gotten the Laddie That I Like Sair,” she politely refused. “He is not my laddie, and you ken it well.” Nor would wishing make it so.

  “Leana!” Jessie Newall rushed up to join her, her eyes bright with Hogmanay cheer. “Aren't you the bonny bride?”

  “Proxy bride,” Leana reminded her, but Jessie only laughed and drew closer, chasing off the shepherds who served as her escorts.

  “I've seen Jamie,” her friend announced, her hoarse whisper none too soft. “Is he not a fine sight to behold?”

  “Aye, he is that.” Leana could hardly argue with so obvious a fact, having seen him earlier. His velvet coat and waistcoat were the same color as her gown, only darker, the perfect contrast to the brilliant white of his waddin sark and the cool green of his eyes. “ ‘Twill be a shame if my sister does not see her own bridegroom looking so braw.”

  “Och! That's not what I'm thinking.” Jessie tugged on the kell, pulling Leana's head down a little. Her friend winked like a free trader with a saddlebag full of smuggled goods in search of a buyer. “I'm thinking Jamie McKie looks very pleased for a man whose bride is miles away in Twyneholm.”

  “Jessie!” Leana rolled her eyes and straightened. “You must not say such things.”

  “And why not, when they're true? He cares for you, Leana. He will make this day special for you.”

  Leana stared down at her, aghast. “Do you mean…? Did he say…?” She could not put words to her thoughts, they were so scandalous.

  Jessie only laughed. “I'm a married woman, and I know longing on a woman's face when I see it.”

  Leana started to argue, but her friend prevailed. “Make the most of this day, for as long as it lasts. Above all, listen with your heart when Jamie speaks his vows to you.”

  “To Rose, you mean.”

  “Aye.” Jessie flapped her hand as though she were brushing away midges. “But you'll be the one hearing those vows. And the one saying them.”

  Even so I take him before God.

  By the time the bridal party straggled through Newabbey village and up to the kirk door, after handing out bridal favors to every passerby, the gray sky had faded to black. No stars pierced through the night's thick canopy. Nor was the waning moon anywhere to be found. Those who'd brought lanterns held them aloft, guiding everyone through the narrow doors and into the hallowed sanctuary. Even the most boisterous lowered their voices, intimidated by the pews that spoke of the Sabbath and all things holy.

  Reverend Gordon, none too pleased with the late hour, greeted them with naught but a solemn nod. “Its not even five o'clock,” Duncan grumbled under his breath. “Must be eager for his supper and a warm bed.”

  Either that or the minister disapproved of the proxy marriage. They would learn his opinion shortly. Handing her cape and gloves to Neda for safekeeping, Leana followed Duncan to the bride stool, the pew set aside especially for weddings. She took her place before it, praying her knees would hold her. The sanctuary was icy cold and dark as a tomb, despite the roaring wood fire and the smattering of lanterns around the room.

  “I'll be back with the bridegroom,” Duncan promised, then left her shivering by the minister's side while the guests josded for the best seats.

  “Most irregular,” Reverend Gordon murmured, looking over her shoulder. “I haven't performed a proxy wedding in twenty years, Miss McBride.”

  She nodded, not knowing what response might be appropriate. As their guests continued to whisper among themselves, Leana turned to find one man still standing in the back of the kirk. Jamie. Her breath caught. Though she'd seen him earlier by the bright light of day, in the glow of the flickering candlelight he was a braw sight indeed.

  Jamie walked toward her, his eyes wide, almost as if he were surprised to find her waiting for him. “Leana,” he said softly, taking her hands in his, “thank you for doing this.”

  “It is my pleasure.” She dipped her knee in a gende curtsy. “My pleasure to be of service, that is.” When she straightened, he continued to gaze at her, squeezing her hands more tighdy. “What is it, Jamie? Have you…changed your mind?”

  “Nae, I…I'm quite convinced were doing the right thing.” His gaze swept down to her slippers and up to the cambric kell covering her hair. “I never expected…that is…”

  “Oh.” She wet her lips, wondering if they could be trusted to form words, let alone vows.

  Jamie's gaze rested on hers. “The kell looks lovely.”

  Only the kell

  He stepped back and held her arms out to get a better look. “I'm only sorry Rose isn't here to see you wearing it.” He bit his lip, as though regretting his words. “I know this day has been awkward for you, Leana. For me as well. Shall we make the best of it? For Rose's sake and yours?”

  She smiled and spoke the truth: “I want nothing more than to make you happy, Jamie.”

  His eyes shone like jade in the firelight. “You are a finer woman than any man deserves, Leana McBride. I hope you will stand in this kirk again soon with a worthy bridegroom by your side.”

  She swallowed her pride, leaving only the taste of hope on her lips. “Might I pretend that worthy man is you?”

  His brow creased with concern. “Leana, I…”

  “Just for this hour, I mean?” Her eyes were beggars. Please, Jamie.

  “So be it, lass.” His smile turned winter into spring. “For this hour, on this night, you will be my bride and I your bridegroom. Like a stage play, with us as the actors, playing our assigned roles.” He touched his forehead against hers, wiggling his eyebrows playfully. The whisky on his breath was stronger than befo
re. “By the time the curtain falls, our audience will be thoroughly persuaded we re well wed. Are we agreed, Leana?”

  “We are.” Oh, Jamie! She would agree to anything, anything at all, if it kept him by her side. “Shall we begin then?”

  “We shall.” With a gallant movement, he released one of her hands, then placed the other against his arm, now tucked across his chest in formal fashion. “Reverend Gordon, we are yours to command.”

  Quieting the congregation with a sternly arched brow, the minister drew himself up, his chin pushed out as though daring anyone to question his authority. “We are gathered here on this most solemn occasion to join James Lachlan McKie of Glentrool and Rose McBride of Auchengray in holy matrimony. The bride's sister, Leana McBride, will serve as proxy and speak on Rose's behalf. Stand for a reading from the Book of Common Order.”

  The gathering stood as one and dutifully listened to the words penned by John Knox two centuries earlier. Leana leaned on Jamie's arm, glad to have his strength so near at hand. When the minister wasn't paying attention, Jamie glanced over at her, offering a wink of assurance or a slight smile. She barely noticed the chilly room, so thoroughly did she bask in the warmth of his attention.

  “Now then.” The minister closed his book, holding it shut before him, one hand pressed on either side. “Is there any impediment to this marriage? Any reason why the two of you should not be joined together as husband and wife?”

  None whatsoever. Leanas lips remained sealed in a gentle smile, even as her heart cried out to be heard. Please, Jamie! Behind her, she detected furtive whispers and sensed curious stares pressing against her back.

  “None,” Jamie stated, loudly enough that all might hear and be silenced.

  Reverend Gordon stepped aside to address the congregation and posed the same question. “Is there any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony?”

  “None,” came the immediate reply. Lachlan McBride had answered for all of them.

  “We will proceed then.” The minister nodded at Jamie, who produced a simple silver ring. He slid the narrow band onto her left hand, only to the knuckle, holding it there while her hand trembled at his touch, awaiting the ministers next words.