Thorn in My Heart

by Liz Curtis Higgs

  A cold wave of shock ran through Roses body. “You kissed… Jamie?”

  Leana only nodded as tears splattered her dress, staining it. “Reverend Gordon insisted it was…unlucky not to do so.”

  Rose fell back against the chair, her mouth agape, her emotions reeling. “Unlucky?” Knitting needles clicked in her addled mind. A dress fitted on a Friday. A wedding gown worn by another. “It seems I'm the unlucky one, to have missed seeing my beloved Jamie hold someone else in his arms. My sister. My sister!” She shrieked the last words, unable to restrain herself. “How could you? How could you, Leana?”

  Leana held out her palms, unable to speak, struggling to breathe.

  Rose rocked back and forth, feeling sick, feeling faint, trying to swallow, trying desperately to grasp what Leana was saying. The image of her sister in Jamie's arms, their lips, their bodies pressed together in a kiss. “Do you no longer love me, that you would treat me so ill?”

  “Of course I love you, Rose!”

  “You can't, you can't!” she wailed, her own tears flowing now, forgiveness abandoned. “My sister, kissing my husband, pretending to be me! Pretending to be his bride! Heaven help me, this day cannot get any worse.”

  “Aye, it can, Rose.” Her sister clenched her tear-drenched hands and pressed them against her mouth. “Much worse.”

  Fifty-Seven

  Grasp me not, I have a thorn,

  But bend and take my being in.

  HARRIET PRESCOTT SPOFFORD

  Worse?” Rose cried. “How can it possibly get worse?”

  Leana sank her teeth into her knuckles, pleading for mercy, knowing it was useless. God was nowhere to be found. “Please, dearie.”

  “Dont call me that.” Rose stood, her skirts brushing Leana aside as she abandoned her chair to pace. “I cannot be dear to you, or you would not have kissed my Jamie.”

  “You are more than dear to me.” Leana hastened to her feet, needing to be near her, to look her in the face when she told her the worst news of her young life. “You are precious to me, Rose. You are my only sister, my closest friend, a daughter—”

  “Nae!” Rose whirled about, her braid slapping Leanas cheek. “I am notyour daughter!” Pain and anger sparked in her dark eyes, though her chin trembled like a child's. “And you are not my mother. My mother is dead.”

  Leana could barely speak for the tightness in her throat. What lies had she whispered to herself in the wee dark of yestreen that had brought her to this? Jamie would decide. Aye, he had done that. Unless she bore him a child, that decision would stand. She swallowed, trying to make room for the painful words that must come. “If Mother had been here, perhaps none of this would have happened.”

  “None of what?” Rose tossed her hands in the air. “You being my proxy? You speaking my vows? You kissing Jamie?”

  “Aye. And none of the…rest.” She feared she might be sick so tightly clenched was her stomach. God, help me. A fools prayer, that. What had she told Jamie their night together was? Necessary. Rose would not consider it necessary. Rose would think her sister was the worst kind of woman that ever took breath. And she would be right.

  “The rest of w/wi? Leana, you are not making sense.” Rose groaned, walking back and forth in front of her, her boots, still muddy from the mornings journey, making marks on the wooden floor. “Kissing my betrothed is quite enough. My own sister! lu appalling.”

  “Aye, it is,” Leana agreed, heaping guilt upon herself like kindling on a fire. “What is more appalling still is that I thought…that is, I convinced myself…that Jamie…enjoyed it.”

  “He did not!” Rose stamped her foot, as though her words were not loud enough to make her point. “I know he didn't.”

  Her own words hurt more. “You are right. He did not.”

  Rose eyed her askance. “Then why did you think he enjoyed it?”

  “Because that was what I chose to believe.” Leana's fingers found a loose thread on her dress to worry with as her mind struggled to find words to say what should never be said. “When Jamie looked at me, I saw affection where there was only…where there was…nothing. Nothing at all.” The thread, pulled taut, turned her fingertip pink, brighter than the sweetbriar in the hedgerow. She stared at it, willing it to hurt more so she wouldn't notice the pain growing inside and threatening to engulf her.

  Rose shrugged. “Jamie once told me he cared for you as a sister.” Her tone soured. “Though a sister's love is not always what it appears.” Dry for the moment, her eyes narrowed. “You did say my name when you spoke the vows?”

  “Aye.” But my heart whispered my own.

  “So, our cousin is my husband now, by the law of the kirk?”

  Leana released the thread. She could not bring herself to respond.

  Rose did not seem to notice, for she'd spun around to walk the floor again. “Jamie is…well, he must be my husband now. My silver ring is safe in his pocket, is it not? Waiting for me to claim it.”

  Leana could answer that one. “Aye, it is.” She'd seen him studying it moments before Rose appeared in the dining room.

  “So then.” Her sister paused by the hearth, disbelief giving way to wonder. “I must be…his wife?No longer Rose McBride but Rose McKie!” Her eyes widened, and a flicker of apprehension came and went from their dark depths. “A wife who might be expected to…share her husbands bed this night.”

  Leana closed her eyes. Nae, Rose. She must say those words. Now. Nae, Rose.

  She could delay no longer, hoping to be struck dead by a vengeful God or spared by an impatient Jamie bursting into the room. She must tell her sister the wicked thing she'd done and cast all the blame upon herself. Not on Jamie, not even on her hatesome father. She alone had yielded to temptation. She had wanted Jamie for herself. Wanted him so blindly that she saw love where it did not exist and desire that was not hers to satisfy.

  She could not hope for forgiveness. She dare not even ask. Leana opened her eyes and looked direcdy into her sisters bonny wee face. “Nae, Rose. You will not share Jamie's bed this night.”

  Rose jerked her chin. “And why not, if he's my husband?”

  “Because he will be sharing his bed with me.”

  The room grew so still she could hear the clink of dishes in the dining room below. Rose stared at her, like a doll with black buttons for eyes. Her mouth hung open as though she would speak but had forgotten how.

  “Rose, I cannot begin… It was…a mistake.”

  Coward. It was a sin.

  Her sisters mouth closed, then opened again as she breathed out the word. “Mistake?”

  Leana swallowed. She would do better this time. She would tell her the truth. She would not hold back. “Yestreen, I persuaded myself that Jamie loved me as I loved him. I did npt know yet that I was…mistaken. When I went to him in his darkened room, he…well, he.

  Rose spoke so softly her voice barely dinted the air. “He…what?”

  Leana turned away, unable to bear the agony on her sisters face. “He thought I was you.”

  Color slowly seeped into Roses cheeks. Not a maidens blush. The heat of anger. Her eyes came to life, and her words seared like flames. “Then you are no longer my sister. You are a howre.”

  Fifty-Eight

  In the election of a wife, as in

  A project of war, to err but once is

  To be undone forever.

  THOMAS MIDDLETON

  I will never forgive you!”

  “Rose, please, please…”

  “Never! I trusted you. I trusted you, Leana!”

  Jamie cringed at the harsh words pouring from beneath the door to the sisters’ bedroom. He'd not intended to eavesdrop yet could not drag himself away. He edged closer to the door, ready to bolt at the slightest footfall on the stair.

  Leana had not handled things as well as he'd hoped. Rose was hysterical, and no wonder. “You have stolen my Jamie!” she cried. “You have stolen my love!”

  Jamie's heart swelled to hear Rose's con
fession again. She did love him. Why had he ever doubted it?

  Leana's voice was strained to the breaking point. “Rose, don't you see? /love Jamie, even more than you do.”

  “How dare you judge my feelings? I do love him. I realized it in Twyneholm.”

  Of course. Apart from him Rose had come to her senses. Jamie leaned against the doorpost, his head aching, as Leana's words echoed his thoughts.

  “Oh, Rose. If only I'd known your true feelings. I never meant to hurt you.”

  “Hurt me? You've ruined me”

  Leana's voice was low, emotionless. “Nae, sister. I am the one who is ruined. I meant only to let Jamie choose.”

  “But he did choose, and he did not choose you, Leana. He chose me! He loves me!”

  For a moment the room was silent. Jamie felt his heart pounding against his chest, grateful they couldn't hear it.

  At last Leana spoke. “Feelings sometimes…change, Rose.”

  Nae. Jamie reached for the latch, pausing only long enough to take a full breath. He would not, not for one minute, let Rose think he no longer loved her. Pushing open the door, he walked into the room unannounced, then latched the door behind him. The two sisters were standing an arms length apart, both their faces ravaged with tears, looking more aghast the closer he came.

  “Rose. Leana. Forgive my intrusion.” Tension came off them in waves. “Since I was an unwitting party to all this…this…well, I thought…perhaps…” There was naught to be done but say what he'd come to say. “You must know, Rose. You must know that I love you. Have loved you from the moment we met.”

  “Then why, Jamie?” Her eyes implored him. “Why?” Her broken voice tore him asunder. “If it was my kisses you missed, could you not have waited one…more…day?”

  “Rose, dear Rose.” Swallowing hard, he drew closer, taking her limp hands in his. “I would have waited a lifetime for you. Had I known, had I realized…” He lifted her hands to his lips and lighdy kissed the tender center of each palm, first one, then the other, gazing steadily at her all the while.

  She would no longer look him in the eye nor acknowledge his touch. “I trusted you, Jamie,” she whispered. “Just as I trusted Leana. You have both deceived me all these weeks.”

  “Nae!” Jamie and Leana spoke in unison, their gazes meeting for an instant.

  “Nae,” he said firmly, turning back to Rose. “I never thought of Leana… in that way. Only of you, Rose. What happened is most unfortunate.”

  “Unfortunate?!” Rose yanked her hands free and wiped away fresh tears. “Is that what the kirk is calling hochmagandy in the new year?”

  “Rose!” Leana's shocked expression mirrored his own. “Such words are not proper for a young woman to—”

  “Och!” Rose shook her skirts at Leana, as though flicking dirt from her hem. “How dare you speak of what's proper after what you've done? You have forced me to use such words, Leana. You, who taught me all that I knew and everything I believed. Now I don't know what to believe! You have stolen my husband and my future, all in one night!”

  “Dearest…” Leana reached out to her, only to have Rose shrink back from her touch. “I will keep saying I'm sorry until you believe me, until you understand that I never meant to harm you, that I did what I did because…”

  “Because you loved him.” Rose's dark eyes narrowed to pinpoints, the corners of her pretty mouth turned down into an ugly frown. “What a pity, Leana, that he does not love you in return.”

  Jamie took a step back, giving the sisters a wider berth. He had foolishly waded into very deep water and found himself at a loss how to make his way back to dry ground. He looked at Leana, a host of emotions churning inside him. He did not envy her this day. She had brought it upon herself, upon all of them, but a spark of sympathy warmed his heart toward her. However misguided her love for him, it was genuine. And her love for Rose was beyond question.

  “Leana,” he said softly, barely touching her elbow, “have you told your sister about your fathers…terms?”

  “The seven days? The seven months?” Leana turned toward him, her eyes washed clear as quartz by her tears. “Those arrangements were made for your benefit and for our father's. Not for mine. And certainly not for Rose's. Suppose you explain them to her, Jamie, while I pack.” Turning away from them both, Leana pulled a dress from the clothes press and a handful of necessities, then disappeared into the hall, calling softly for Neda.

  Fool! To have walked into their room as though he had a perfect right, when these women had known each other all their lives and known him all of three months. Aye, he was a fool, and now he would pay for the stupidity that had brought him there.

  “Rose,” he began, praying she would understand, “I asked your father if there was any way I might still earn your hand in marriage…that is, if you want me…”

  “ Want you?” She stared at him, incredulity on her features. “Jamie, I love you. It will take time to sort through my feelings, but this much I do know: You have been badly used, as I have. I hold my sister accountable for all of it.”

  “Wait.” He held up his hand, shocked at how quickly he came to Leanas defense. “Your father played a part in this, Rose. Do not blame your sister, not completely. All three of us were deceived, I most of all.” Deservedly so. A thread of guilt wound itself around his windpipe, making it harder to breathe.

  She clutched a handkerchief in her hands, wrapping it absendy around her fingers. “What sort of arrangements did Father offer you?”

  Jamie carefully explained the terms, watching as her face registered each scandalous detail.

  When he finished, she sank onto her dressing table stool in a near faint. “Jamie, I cant bear the thought of it. Of you…of my sister.”

  “Don't think of it, Rose.” He knelt beside her, but she pulled back from him. “Dont think of any of it. Spend the week with Susanne, if you like. Or perhaps Aunt Meg might come to Auchengray.”

  Her eyes, swollen and red from crying, took on a spiteful glare. “Fine plans you're making for me, Jamie. A visit with a friend who attended my own wedding when I did not. An aunt who would fuss and cluck over me as she does her chickens. While you and Leana…while you…” Her voice broke on a sob, and she turned away, soaking the chair with her tears. When he reached for her, she swatted his arm. “Dont…touch…me!”

  Och!‘The situation was impossible. He spun about the room, giving her time to cry unabated, thinking of what he might say. The future. Aye, that was what they must discuss. Not the week ahead and certainly not yestreen. “Rose,” he murmured, kneeling beside her again, “this time next Thursday all will be as before: Jamie and Rose, anticipating our wedding day. The first of August.” He rested no more than his fingertips on her sleeve. “Summer is a fine time for a wedding, don't you think?”

  She fell back against the chair to face him, her face blotched with red, drained of emotion. “Jamie, we've already had our wedding at Newabbey. Reverend Gordon will not put up with such…irregularities.”

  “Your father has already agreed to meet with the kirk session. The parish records will show that on 31 December I married Leana McBride. Since the marriage has been”—even saying the word brought a flush to his neck—“has been consummated, Reverend Gordon will have litde choice in the matter.”

  “And the gossips?”

  He waved his hand dismissively. “Let them talk. It is not you they will find fault with, Rose. It is Leana. And perhaps me. Never you. Once she is…put aside, we'll be free to marry. In Monnigaff if you prefer. The kirk is older but a fine building.”

  She eyed him, a newfound cynicism in her raised brow. “Would you divorce a wife so easily as that?”

  “Not easily, Rose. I am grieved for your sister. Her future is bleak, as you well know. No man will have her as his wife. She will spend the balance of her life in quiet disgrace, caring for your father into his old age. Should the kirk session choose, they may assign her several Sabbath days on the repentance stool.”
/>
  Rose sat up straighter. “Jamie, they wouldn't dare!”

  “They might, lass. ‘Tis rare to see the stool of repentance used in the kirk of late, but Monnigaff keeps theirs polished, and I suspect Newabbey does as well.” He dearly hoped Leana would not be subjected to such public humiliation. To mount the wooden stool in front of the pulpit, dressed in a coarse white linen gown, her head and feet bared, her grievous sin announced to the whole congregation, her penance addressed in the sermon—Jamie would not wish that on anyone, not even a woman who'd stolen into a man's bed under false pretenses.

  Rose knew what the repentance stool entailed as well; its terrors were written all over her face. “Is there…no hope for her?”

  “Aye, but that hope is at your expense, Rose. If Leana conceives a child during those seven months, then I am bound to remain her husband.”

  Roses countenance fell. “Leana is healthy and very much wants a child.”

  He lowered his voice. “That would require my…ah, my cooperation. And I have no intention of being cooperative once this appalling week is over. Do we understand each other, Rose?”

  She nodded, her features softening for the first time since he'd entered the room. “Yes, Jamie.”

  “The first of August then.” He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, then each cheek, and finally, when he knew she would allow it, her mouth, wet from her tears. Soft, sweet, innocent lips. Untouched and untried. “I will buy you a new kell, my fair Rose,” he murmured. “More lovely than this one. We will start anew, the two of us. If you will wait for me another seven months, I will prove that my love for you has never faltered.”

  “I will wait, Jamie McKie. But I cannot promise those months will be easy for any of us.” She sighed, frown lines erasing any remnant of childish innocence from her face. “For the moment, Leana awaits you. Your…wife.”

  “For the moment,” he reminded her, standing to leave. “We will return to Auchengray the Thursday next. Until then, know that you are the woman I love, Rose.” He bent to brush his lips against her hair. “You alone.”