Resisting Redemption (The Redemption Series Book 3)

by Bonnie R. Paulson

  Halfway down the stairs, Ryan glanced up at the sound of a vehicle coming up the drive. His pulse quickened. He hadn’t wanted to be there when Wanda arrived— The pinch in his neck lessened at the sight of Lisa’s truck rolling toward him.

  And his heart rate sped up for entirely different reasons.

  Ryan stopped his headlong stomping toward the barn and waited for her in the grass, his hands propped on his hips. She wasn’t the tallest thing, and oh wow, her shape never ceased to amaze him.

  Smiling when she reached him, Lisa halted, meeting his gaze with her deep blue hypnotic… oh, she’d said something. “Um, sorry?”

  She lifted her eyebrow. “I just asked how it was goin’.” She peeked around him, then returned her gaze to his face. “Where’s Jesse and the ex?” A distinct injustice had been served when a woman could put on a long-sleeve flannel shirt, lightly tucked into jeans and still looked like she belonged on some pageant runway.

  Ryan swallowed, struggling to maintain focus. “Jesse’s pissed at me. Why don’t you come in the barn with me, while I check out the bison calf. We can talk more privately in there.” Plus, he just wanted a reason to be alone with her. He’d never felt as alone as he did right then. Someone for everyone, but him.

  Because even though Wanda had left because of a special needs child, she’d ultimately left Ryan. Like he hadn’t been enough. Like they hadn’t been enough. The bitter truth stung and he didn’t want to wallow in it too long.

  Lisa followed him easily into the large red building and closer to the side stalls where Ryan kept the new mother and calf pairings. He opened the gate and entered.

  She lifted her leg and rested her foot on the post just outside the stall. “So, what’s up, cowboy?” Her half-smile wasn’t overly warm, but her words suggested she might be flirting with him.

  Enough. He couldn’t concentrate when he had so many unknown variables. Tossing a handful of oats over the prairie grass he’d brought in for the mother, Ryan gave himself a moment to rethink confronting Lisa on what he was feeling. But the timeout only increased his need to say something.

  Turning, he rested his forearm on the top railing and grabbed his hat from his head. He slapped it against his thigh, cradling the crown in his palm. Lisa didn’t move, even as Ryan pushed himself closer to her. The stall wall separated them, but the six inches of wood didn’t do much to keep them apart.

  Lisa’s lips parted, the small pink tip of her tongue darted out to dance across her bottom lip. Ryan’s stomach tightened. His voice grew husky and he went for it. “I meant what I said Saturday. I only went because I might see you.”

  Her smile faded. “But you see me every week. Why haven’t you said anything before now?” Her gaze shot down and then back at his face, doubt shadowing her features.

  He shrugged, but didn’t retreat. “I don’t know. Maybe… I don’t know. I’m sick of playing games. Tired of being alone, you know? I thought…” Ryan fell silent, his pride already tattered around him. He longed to go for a ride, crack the whip a few times to relieve some stress. Why did he always have to make a fool of himself over women who obviously didn’t have the same interest in him?

  “What did you think, Ryan?” Her breathy question gave him pause, doubt overcome by guts.

  “I’m sorry, for the comment I made. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot.” He closed his eyes, face heating up.

  “Don’t apologize, I liked it and I looked for you, too. But, we can’t go that route, right? We need to be friends.” She smiled but like she was trying to break it to a rodeo competitor that he hadn’t even placed.

  He scoffed at himself. “Honestly? I thought you might have some feelings for me, too. But… you know, it’s not the first time I’ve been wrong.” But he couldn’t look away. Yet, why would she be interested? He had a son and more baggage than an old school horse-and-carriage.

  “I’m so sorry. That’s not what I meant.” Sadness lowered her lashes. She covered his hand with hers, the contact warm and comforting. “I am interested, but you’re a client. That’s not really ethical, you know? I’m seeing real progress with Jesse and I’m not sure you want to bring in someone new just to see if we’d be compatible on a few dates. Right?” She twisted her lips in a parody of a smile. “Jesse has so much potential. I can’t let him or you down. Okay?”

  Ryan nodded, turning his hand over and capturing her fingers in his palm. “For now. But for the record, I’m not the patient or client – Jesse is.” He winked.

  “For now.” Heat turned her eyes from a sky blue to a darker violet. She ignored the technicality. “Want to tell me what to expect with Wanda?”

  Goose bumps spread up his arms. Wanda. For a scant second, he’d forgotten about Wanda’s visit. He needed Lisa. She could make him forget things that never left his mind. For now would have to be the shortest time frame on earth. “Yeah, Wanda. Well, some background for you – she left two days after giving birth to Jesse. He was born with his defect, like you know, and her friend was there for the delivery, and talked the whole time about how terrible having a handicapped child would be to raise.” He swallowed bile at having to repeat those words after so long. “It didn’t take much for Wanda to be persuaded to leave. She just… left. Didn’t tell me or the hospital or anyone. Just disappeared. Like we’d never been together. Like we didn’t have a baby together.”

  Lisa rounded the stall gate and wrapped her arm around his waist in a consoling hug. “I’m so sorry.” She pulled back and looked him straight in the eye. “What can I do?”

  Ryan hid his pain, sniffing as he shifted his feet. “Would it be too much to ask that you just tell me what they say and what she… I don’t know. I hate that I can’t be here for him, but I agreed. And honestly, I don’t want to see her. Not now. It’s too soon.” He almost laughed at the time span of ten years being too soon, but it was. Wanda had torn out his heart and stomped on her small child’s confidence.

  An eternity wouldn’t be long enough.

  “I got it. You can count on me.” She winked, a playful smile designed to make him feel better gracing the elegant curve of her lips.

  Oh great, there he went waxing poetic about her features. Jeesh. “Are you sure about not now?” He reached for her hand and held it between both of his hands, clinging desperately for one more minute with her.

  “I’m sure. For now.” Her lips tilted up at the corners and she scrunched her nose. “You’re not the only one this affects, okay?” She turned. “Come on. You need to get out of here and I need to check in with Jesse.”

  Not now. Maybe they’d get a chance soon. Or maybe Wanda would ruin everything.

  Lisa

  Chapter 9

  Watching Ryan drive away wasn’t Lisa’s style. She sat on the bench beside Jesse and propped her chin in her hand. Even when she sat he kept his eyes downcast.

  Nudging him with her knee, Lisa smiled, waiting for him to look her way. Finally, he did with brown eyes swimming in pain-filled tears. He hiccupped.

  Wanda would be there in about half-an-hour and Lisa knew a thing or two about maintaining one’s pride in the face of severe rejection. She didn’t baby him or even pity him. “Jesse, I know you’re hurting, sir, but you need to pull it together.”

  “What do you know?” He looked down, sniffing and wiping roughly at his nose.

  Lisa dropped her hand, ducking her head to see his face better. “Are you kidding me with that? I’m speaking from personal experience. This is between us, do you understand me?”

  He turned back to her, questions in his eyes. He slowly nodded, watching her for some Yoda-like speech to help him.

  Lifting her chin, she thrust her jaw to the side. Talking about her past didn’t happen often. Leaving Rourke Ranch earlier, she’d welled with gratitude that she hadn’t had to speak more about her childhood and past. But there she was, about to bare a lot more to her client. Okay, her friend. What an emotionally exhausting day. She’d have to take her own advice and suck it u
p.

  Tapping the table, Lisa allowed the click of her nails to soothe her. “Okay, so my father is – was Devlyn Caracus.”

  Jesse’s eyes widened. “The leader of the Caracus gang? You’re kidding! He was baaad.”

  “I was hoping you’d be too young to know who he was.” Lisa wrinkled her nose, accepting the added embarrassment his knowledge tacked on to her confession.

  Shrugging, Jesse fiddled with a paracord bracelet on his wrist. “There’s not a lot to do and I like to go to the museum in town. Have you been there? It’s really neat. But anyway, they have a whole section on that gang and the missing treasure.”

  “Treasure?” That was a new one. Not that she was surprised. People in small towns had nothing more to do than gossip and chew over old myths and legends. A trip to the museum might be just what Lisa needed.

  Jesse nodded, scratching the base of his throat. “Yeah, they robbed a bunch of banks and some jewelry stores. The newspapers said it was like seventeen million dollars’ worth or something? Anyway, the cops never found it and then the gang was caught and then the leader died in prison. Most interesting thing that’s ever happened around here.”

  They fell silent, lost in their own thoughts.

  A treasure? Devlyn hadn’t been rich by anyone’s standards. If he had been, then why didn’t he at least dress nicer? The bastard had always worn the same black leather duster and stiff jeans. He’d never changed his bandana or hat and he’d always seemed disinterested in showers or other grooming practices.

  If Lisa had a treasure, she’d spend it on being comfortable and happy. Whatever that meant.

  “Okay, well, since you know who he is, then you understand that he wasn’t home a lot growing up and when he was? Well, let’s just say, he wasn’t the best dad, you know?” Lisa bit her lip before accidentally going into detail about all the drunken nights when he’d all but rape her mom in the living room. Or how Mom had to call in sick to work for a couple days because librarians didn’t deal with the public when their faces were covered in bruises and their lips swollen and cracked.

  “Yeah, I bet.” Jesse nodded shortly. “But at least you weren’t abandoned because you were born a cripple.” He glared at his legs then at his fingers while he picked at his nails.

  Lisa sat back, lifting her eyebrows. “You’re right. I wasn’t. But in every other aspect I was abandoned. And you know what? I learned fast that the only way he could hurt me more was if he saw how much pain I was in.”

  Jesse lifted his gaze and searched Lisa’s face. His scowl faded and he chewed on his bottom lip. “So, you think I should be tougher, right? Not let her see that I’ve been crying?”

  “Right. I think… no, I know that you’re stronger than you feel right now. You have no idea what she’s like. What if she comes here for an hour and then disappears again? You never hear from her? It could happen, you know? She abandoned her newborn. Who knows what type of woman she is after that.” One Lisa would like to beat into next week, but she’d listen and keep her opinions to herself once the woman arrived.

  “Yeah. That does suck.” He considered her words, then straightened his shoulders and lifted his chin. “Okay, I can do this. No crying. No whining.” Jesse forced a smile which after a moment didn’t seem so pained. “Actually, it feels better having a plan. Thanks, Lisa.”

  “Anytime, I’m here, too. So don’t get down on yourself. You can do this.” Lisa turned as Jesse’s gaze flew past her shoulder. A tan Honda Civic crawled up the drive, slower than anything Lisa had ever seen, like the person’s foot was nowhere near the gas.

  The car stopped, idled, and then reversed.

  Jesse’s breath caught and Lisa closed her eyes for a brief second. No, don’t do this to him again.

  And the car rolled forward again, stopping.

  The front door opened.

  Jesse grabbed Lisa’s hand under the table and squeezed.

  And for once, Lisa couldn’t help it. She squeezed back.

  Ryan

  Chapter 10

  For now? What did that mean? Because if Ryan could define it his way, it would be easy to describe as not dating today, but tomorrow pick me up at seven.

  Rumbling down the road toward Colby, Ryan passed a small Civic heading toward his place. When the car no longer took up space in his side-mirror, he coasted to the road shoulder and stared at his steering wheel. He hadn’t seen her, but no one drove out past his place. There wasn’t anything but state land and national forest out there.

  Only one person was expected about that time and Wanda… she’d never been into anything other than smaller cars. Even in the big wide open state of Montana.

  Fatigue dragged at him. Ryan had been the sole parent of a special needs child with very few breaks or help. The fact that Jesse’s mother had the option to visit Ryan’s boy after abandoning him all those years ago did more than just irritate him – it sucked at him, draining his confidence. What if Jesse didn’t forgive Ryan for keeping the information to himself? What if he wanted to go back and live with Wanda? Worse, what if Wanda wanted to come back into their lives?

  He wasn’t ready for that. For far too long, Ryan had ignored the acidic burning of her betrayal on his emotions. While he was interested in Lisa, he was a big enough boy to recognize that her consistent aloofness used to have more appeal because he wasn’t ready for anything.

  But something had been changing lately. And he noticed it, but hopefully not too late. The cynic in him growled because of Wanda’s actions and he didn’t want to be wrong about Lisa. Maybe she was interested, maybe she wasn’t, but as long as he didn’t pursue anything further, he wouldn’t get hurt.

  Couldn’t get hurt.

  Shoot, he couldn’t sit on the side of the road all day. He needed some groceries before he had to return to the ranch to check on Jesse.

  Shifting into drive, Ryan clenched his jaw. How could he have been so insensitive with his own son? Putting himself in Jesse’s shoes, of course he would want to know that his mother checked on him. Of course, he would want to meet her to ask her questions. Why hadn’t Ryan figured that out before he’d hurt Jesse?

  Because of Ryan’s pride. Jesse hadn’t been the only one abandoned and Ryan didn’t want Wanda to be forgiven so easily for her actions.

  What kind of a father would he be, if he didn’t try to protect his son from more pain?

  What kind of a man would he be, not to protect himself?

  Thick forest lined the road for another couple of miles as Ryan focused on the drive. If he didn’t pay attention to what he was doing, he might drive off into the woods.

  In another ten minutes, he pulled into a parking spot in Colby, shutting off the engine directly in front of the grocery store. He’d be lying to himself, if he tried convincing himself that the bar across the street didn’t have some appeal.

  Climbing from his rig, Ryan adjusted his belt and settled his hat into place. When he’d arrived in town to take over a family ranch, he’d worn the white Stetson, until a fellow ranch owner had told him only greenies wore white. Ryan had immediately sought out the old-school black felt with wide brim. The last thing he needed was something to separate himself further from the community.

  He wiped his hands on the thighs of his well-worn jeans, so soft they could’ve been velvet.

  Slamming the truck door, Ryan checked the sidewalk for anyone he knew. Essentially a small town, Colby had experienced significant growth in the last few years thanks to some efforts of ranchers just north of Noland Ranch. Slate and Robbie MacAllister had a flourishing dude ranch and Ronan James owned almost everything in town including the bank as well as his own ranch abutting the MacAllisters’.

  Ryan pulled on the brass handle of the darkly stained oak door of the store and jumped to the side when the bells dangling from a string tried to knock him out.

  “Ha, Ryan, it’ll get you soon, just you wait.” Patricia, the manager who many townspeople swore had been there before the store, waved he
r liver-spotted hand at the door. “Anyway, come in, come in. It’s been a quiet afternoon. How are you doing, pear?”

  Grinning at her continued practice of calling him – and every other customer she came in contact with – some kind of a food, Ryan moved deeper inside the store. “I’m making Jesse’s favorite tonight. We’ve had kind of an emotional upheaval the last couple days and we fought before I left.” He shook his head, comfortable discussing things with Patricia since she’d become more like a mother to him since he’d moved there. Another great thing about her, she didn’t gossip – ever. Once she heard something, it went into her vault and never came out again.

  “Mm hmmm. I’m so sorry to hear that. Anything I can do?” She moved with the grace of a rainbow, a person didn’t realize she followed them but they could always see her, hear her, or ask questions from anywhere in the store.