The Immortal Continent

by Virlyce

  Well, it seems like Lucia’s idiocy disabled a potential threat before it could come to fruition. It must be very frustrating for them. I would know. Normally, I’m on the other end of Lucia’s whimsical nature. Maybe coming to the Immortal Continent wasn’t a misfortune. If other people suffer in my stead, then I’ll have an enjoyable life from now on, right?

  “Oh…,” Lucia said and chewed on the tips of her fork. “But I’m not officially part of the Shadow Devil Sect yet, so we can still be buddies, right?” She laughed and thumped the old poison tester’s back, causing another waterfall of undigested food to spew out.

  “M-Master!”

  “You’re going to be a chosen! You can’t be buddies with the elder of another sect!” Black Devil Shu shouted. A sword appeared in his hands, and Durandal’s eyes shot open with a gleam. Black Devil Shu pointed at the old poison tester. “Leave my junior’s side at once!”

  “Sister Lucia and I have already become martial sister and martial brother! Who are you to say who my martial sister can or cannot associate with!?” The old poison tester slammed his palm against the table and rose to his feet. Well, he tried to, but the chain that was wrapped around his neck prevented him from standing. Where did Lucia get something that strong…?

  “Ah? Grandpa Bear?” Lucia asked, her eyes widening. “You’re too old to be my martial brother!” Then Lucia turned and whispered to me, “What’s a martial? Is it like a partial brother? He meant to say partial, right?”

  “I think he meant martial, like martial from martial arts.” Maybe a martial brother is like a brother from another mother, that kind of relationship. But to treat Lucia as his sibling, isn’t the old poison tester asking for his life to be cut short?

  “Is that really the case?” Black Devil Shu asked Lucia with a dark expression on his face. Black qi was rising around his sword. And Durandal’s eyes were gleaming even brighter than ever, staring at the carvings on the surface of the blade. Now that I think about it, where did Black Devil Shu get a sword? Lucia robbed him blind. He must’ve used his elder token and brought it somewhere that let him reequip himself.

  “Look at how unreasonable this smelly devil is being,” the old poison tester said and pointed at Black Devil Shu while smiling at Lucia. “Why don’t you join our Azure Dragon Sect instead? We’re one of the fingers of Kong County as well. We don’t fear the Shadow Devil Sect.”

  Was he poaching Lucia? Why was she so wanted?

  Lucia sighed and shook her head. The remains of the peacock caught her eye, and she stuffed it into her mouth. Then she cleared her throat and took on a serious expression while crossing her arms over her chest. “Then it can’t be helped. Since two groups want me so badly … it’s time for an auction! Give me your best offers.”

  ***

  The auction didn’t take very long. Mr. Shoe won because Grandpa Bear fainted after the waiter handed him the bill. I think a second heart devil was planted inside Grandpa Bear, but I’m not sure. I’m still not that familiar with this cultivation technique, and I have no intentions of using it. The first time was painful enough. In the end, Mr. Shoe bought all the swords and spears in the weapon shop that Durandal wanted to go to. Why spears? For Puppers, of course! I’m not so biased as to forget about my precious fluffy socks. He has to eat too. Mm, I’m a fair owner. You can ask Puppers; he’ll definitely agree if he doesn’t want to be beaten by me.

  Not only did I receive a ton of weapons from Mr. Shoe, but he also gave me a bunch of rare and precious books, according to him. Too bad I can’t read. I was also promised the best treatment from the Shadow Devil Sect, and he told me that he notified the sect master about me when he went off with his elder token. I’m going to get a huge greeting befitting of a chosen! …Whatever that means; it’s hard to not sound excited when I already know the Shadow Devil Sect is super-duper rich. I mean, just look at the flying boat. According to Ilya, I can buy 100,000 barrels of hot chocolate with the amount of spirit stones it takes to operate the boat for a single day. …And that’s why we’re walking to the Shadow Devil Sect.

  “That doesn’t look safe.”

  Just kidding. Mr. Shoe’s trying to teach us how to fly on swords. And Ilya’s the first volunteer! People might not believe me when I say this…, but squirrels can’t fly. We’re not birds. This is completely unnatural. I can jump really far and really high, but fleas can do that too. But fleas are named fleas and not flies because flies are the bugs that can fly. Why aren’t fleas named jumps? Huh, how weird. Anyways, what was I thinking about? Right! Flying swords. Why’s Ilya crouching over the sword instead of flying on it?

  Mr. Shoe was clearly confused too. “Junior Ilya? What are you doing?”

  “I’m analyzing the energy lines inside of the sword and comparing them to a magical array. They’re extremely similar. If I copy this design for my boots, then I’m sure they’ll work even in the presence of predators. I think I can do it.” Ilya took out a pair of boots and grabbed the sword. Then she stepped off to the side, ignoring us.

  “…You have a strange servant,” Mr. Shoe said to me. Ilya’s not a servant. She’s an encyclopedia. And friend. Yeah, friend first. A handy encyclopedic friend. But if she’s a friend first, then she’d be a handy friendly encyclopedia, no? Ah…, I need to carve out a focus bone. Good thing I stored all these bones from those meals we had! Did you know fish are extremely easy to strip of their bones? It’s difficult to carve on them because they’re so small, but all I have to do is squint really hard to see clearer!

  Mr. Shoe cleared his throat. “Is that a dead fish?”

  I’m pretty sure it’s dead…? Don’t tell me the fish on the Immortal Continent are immortals too! “Is it!? How do I check!?”

  “Uh…, sorry. I think there’s been a miscommunication.”

  “Miscommunication, my ass! Tell me if it’s dead or not!” What if its flesh is squirming around my stomach!? All those things I ate could be competing with each other! Surely, the smallest morsel of food will consume slightly larger morsels as it becomes bigger itself, then it’ll eat even the largest thing inside and end up eating me in the end too! This is a disaster!

  “It’s dead! Junior Lucia, it’s dead! Please, please, please, watch your language.” Mr. Shoe’s face was bright red.

  Language? Did I say something bad? “…Ass?”

  Mr. Shoe’s face turned even redder. If any more blood rushed to his face, it’d start leaking out of his pores. Why are people so bloody in the Immortal Continent? Coughing out blood when I state facts about their small penises, vomiting out blood when they see a restaurant bill, blood flooding their faces when they hear the word ass. Jeez. “Junior Lucia…. People won’t view you in a good light if you act in such a crude manner.”

  “…The penis goes into the v—”

  Mr. Shoe brought his hand to his mouth and coughed extremely loudly, cutting off my words. Blood trickled through his fingers and down the back of his hand. “F-forget I said anything.”

  This kind of reaction…. “Say, Mr. Shoe, are you a virgin by any chance?”

  More blood leaked out of Mr. Shoe’s mouth as he flinched. A familiar feeling welled up in my chest. This was … the overwhelming pleasure from sadism! Just kidding, I’m not a sadist. It was actually the feeling of me planting a heart devil in someone. The two feelings are very similar though. …Not that I would know! Ah, I feel a little bad now. His disciple died and a stranger, me, learned his secret technique and used it on him. I’ll comfort him with words—Ilya says I’m good with words as long as I keep them to myself. But good things are meant to be shared! “Don’t worry too much about it, Mr. Shoe! I’ll find you a nice woman around your age, so you two can settle down. How old are you? Two hundred?”

  “I’m only ninety-eight!” Mr. Shoe shouted as he took a step back, clutching his chest. “I, I already have a woman that I love!”

  “But…?” There’s a but somewhere in there. You don’t love someone for ninety-eight years and not do anything a
bout it!

  Mr. Shoe sighed and lowered his head. “But she’s married.”

  “Oh.” Well…. “Have you tried making her husband disappear?”

  Mr. Shoe’s eyes widened to the size of saucers. “W-what kind of person do you think I am!?”

  Hah…. This is why I don’t like giving advice to people. They don’t even know what kind of person they themselves are; how am I supposed to help them if they don’t want to perform introspection to help themselves? He’s hopeless.

  “Please don’t look at me with those eyes.”

  Did I just plant another heart devil?

  “A-alright!” Mr. Shoe shouted as he whirled around. “We’re taking the flying boat! I’ll shoulder all the costs!”

  For the rest of the journey to the Shadow Devil Sect, Mr. Shoe never left his room. But I’ve been in that room before and I can confirm that there’s no bathroom in there. Maybe he poops in an interspacial ring. Either way, I’m not sure if I can view him the same way as I have been before today. Then again, I never really viewed him in a positive light anyway. Oh wells. Shadow Devil Sect, here I come! …I’m definitely going to have to figure out a way to rename it something less ominous.

  Chapter 6

  My name is Soft Moonlight. I am the only chosen of the Shadow Devil Sect. After today, that will no longer be the case. Sect Elder Shu discovered a talented individual on his trip to the sky and earth pocket realm. Apparently, this individual cultivated the Heart Devil Cultivation Technique for a single day and reached the ninth layer. For reference, I’m only at the seventh layer of the Heart Devil Cultivation Technique despite the fact I’ve been practicing it for over a decade. If Sect Elder Shu’s report is true, then my standing in the sect will fall…, unless the individual is a man; in that case, my grandfather, the sect leader, may force me into a marriage with the new chosen.

  “Isn’t that Sister Moonlight?”

  I nodded at the fellow disciple on the path and continued on my way. Anywhere I go within the sect, people recognize me. They flatter and heap praise upon me, hoping to become acquainted. With a single sentence, I can gather an army of willing and able men to destroy anything in my path. It’s not unusual for me to receive gifts every day from my suitors. But not today. Today, everyone is preparing for the arrival of the new chosen. The gifts that are supposed to be mine are being prepared for someone else. The attention that should be mine is directed elsewhere. The gossip that should be about me is no longer about me.

  “I hope the new chosen is more approachable than Sister Moonlight. She’s such a frigid bit—”

  “Shush! Sister Moonlight’s coming this way.”

  Some people don’t realize one’s hearing is improved upon reaching the saint realm. But I don’t mind. As the chosen of the Shadow Devil Sect, I have to be frigid. I have to be stoic. No matter how scared I am, I have to confront things with an unwavering heart to save face for the sect. I am the poster child, and the poster child is not allowed to cry. But after today, there will be a new poster child along with me. He or she will take half the burden off my shoulders, or even the whole burden if the rumors of his or her ability are true. And for that, I am thankful. I really, really hate my position as the chosen of the sect, but I’m the sect leader’s granddaughter; it’s not like I can refuse. There’s nothing I want more in the world than to run away and live out the remainder of my life in a small village, free from all responsibility.

  I don’t need attention. I don’t need suitors. I don’t need gifts. Rejecting three people per day, week after week, wears down on a girl. And some men don’t take rejection kindly! Speaking of suitors, here comes one now.

  “Sister Moonlight! I’ve loved you for years! Please, marry me!”

  “I’m sorry. My grandfather doesn’t want me to be in a relationship. If you become a saint-realm expert, our love could truly blossom.” Then I walked past him. I really, really hate rejecting people because my grandfather won’t let me properly reject them! And even if I try to make my words sound as fake as possible, these men cling onto them as if they’re ropes keeping them from falling into the abyss. It’s all a ploy by my grandfather. He wants me to make as many men fall in love with me as possible, so that once I get married, all of them will gain a heart devil.

  “I’ll do my best, Sister Moonlight!”

  Please don’t. I’m so tired of this kind of life. I don’t have any real friends. There’s no one I can trust. If I told my grandfather about my real feelings, I’d be spanked and thrown into a room to meditate in seclusion for a year. After walking a bit further, I finally reached the entrance of the sect. The million sect members were separated by rank: outer sect disciples, inner sect disciples, core disciples, me, elders, grand elders, the sect leader, and the sect ancestors. That’s the way it should’ve been, but the sect ancestors are always in seclusion, trying to break through to the sky realm. And since I’m also the sect leader’s granddaughter, I’m allowed to sit by him.

  “Grandfather.” I lowered my head, and my grandfather patted the seat beside him.

  “Come, sit.”

  There’s something that’s been bothering me for a while now. “Grandfather, why do we need to host such an elaborate ceremony for the new chosen?”

  My grandfather stroked his beard. “It’s … part of the terms Elder Shu negotiated with her.”

  “Her?”

  “The chosen. Her name is Lucia Fluffytail.”

  It seems like I won’t be getting married anytime soon. What a shame. Wait. “Negotiated?”

  “She’s from the pocket realm, so she doesn’t understand the might of the Shadow Devil Sect. This is a show of force.”

  “Oh.” Right. She was a bumpkin. I heard bumpkins make great friends. Could it be possible for me to become her friend…? A familiar sight in the sky came towards us. “The boat is here, grandfather.”

  “Yes.” My grandfather nodded. He was an earth-realm expert, so he should’ve realized it was coming way before me. I feel silly now. “I wonder what the chosen will say after seeing this sight.”

  It was a very grand sight. A million people sat in neat rows, all dressed in the same black outfit. Everyone had taken out some spirit stones and placed them on the ground around them so that the whole place would sparkle if seen from the sky. My grandfather had even activated the grand formation that was meant to defend our sect. Of course, the formation wasn’t in defense mode but in welcoming mode. Which meant translucent golden dragons and phoenixes were flying about a few characters that read, “Welcome to the Shadow Devil Sect, Lucia Fluffytail!”

  The flying boat came closer and closer before coming to a stop above the gate that was the sect entrance. I squinted up at the bow of the boat. There were four figures: a handsome man who was eating … a sword, a young girl with purple skin, Elder Shu, and a woman with rounded fox ears and a very bushy foxtail. The last one must’ve been Lucia Fluffytail. Lucia’s mouth dropped open. Was she going to say something?

  “Fuck! That’s a shitload of people!”

  For the first time—in probably the whole history of the sect—there was not a single sound. If a pin dropped on the ground a mile away, I could probably hear it. What happened next was equally baffling. The boat did a massive U-turn and sped away.

  ***

  “Junior Lucia! What are you doing!?”

  What the hell was Mr. Shoe shouting about!? Did he not see that huge fucking crowd!? “Fleeing! What does it look like?”

  “Why!?”

  “Why are you shouting at me!?” I don’t like it when people shout at me! I don’t need his help panicking; I can do that just fine by myself, thank you very much. “No one told me there’d be that many people waiting for me!”

  “I told you that you’d receive a welcoming ceremony befitting a chosen!”

  “I don’t want to be a chosen anymore!”

  “You don’t want to be a chosen anymore?”

  …Wait. Mr. Shoe sounds like a middle-aged man. Durandal
sounds like the sexiest man in the world. Ilya sounds like a teenaged girl. And Puppers is out of commission. So who the fuck just spoke in a grandfatherly voice!? “Who are you and how did you get on my boat!?”

  The stranger that appeared out of nowhere cleared his throat while stroking his beard. “This is my boat.”

  “Huh?” That’s not possible. It’s mine. I stole it from Mr. Shoe; thus, the boat is rightfully mine. Everyone knows the rules: finders, keepers. I’m not going to let this delusional old man try to stake a claim on my boat!

  “Elder Shu greets the sect leader!”

  He’s the sect leader? He looks like the friendly acorn-stew-selling grandpa from next door. Minus the cute ears and bushy tail, that is.

  “Junior Lucia! Why aren’t you greeting the sect leader?”

  Eh? “Um. Hi.”

  “Not like that!”

  “Don’t worry, Elder Shu,” the friendly grandpa said with a smile. “She’s not from around these parts. Perhaps they aren’t as stiff with formalities in the sky and earth plane. Junior Lucia….”

  “Hmm?”

  “Do you mind stopping the boat?”

  I do. I mind very greatly. If I don’t rush away as fast as I can, I’ll be assimilated into that mob of people dressed in black robes. It’s like attending a funeral, fuck! What welcoming ceremony befitting a chosen? It’s like they were seeing a corpse off! …But judging from the look the grandpa’s giving me, if I don’t stop this boat, I will become a corpse. Is this grandpa strong? How strong is he? Should I hit him once to see how strong he is? I’m going to do it. “Receive my attack. Unrelenting Path of Slaughter: Breaking Blade!”

  “Junior Lucia!?”

  Mr. Shoe shouted, but the grandpa wasn’t flustered at all! He raised one arm, and a black shield made of the worms that looked like the heart devil qi thingies appeared out of nowhere. I don’t believe a flimsy shield made of worms can stop mini-DalDal! Full power! Five hundred tons!