by Virlyce
“Which crown prince?”
It’s a good thing the crown prince’s name is so easy to remember because it’s so absurd. “The single one.”
“Single Sky?”
“Right. That’s the fellow. Anyways, where’s the battlefield? Where’s the fighting? How come you guys have time to sit around and brew tea for this many people?” I don’t get it. War is supposed to be chaotic and bloody and fun! Err, not fun. Serious. Right. War’s serious!
“It must be your first time here. I don’t know how wars are conducted in other places, but you should throw away all your preconceived notions of what war should be. In fact, a navigator should’ve given you the rules of warfare at the Gates of Hell.”
It’s the navigator once again. Why does that person always insist on foiling my plans? “Mm. Sure. So, how’s the war conducted then? We don’t charge at each other and hack away with our weapons?”
“No. Battles take place in the form of duels. After all, how can any victory be honorable if both sides aren’t completely equal?”
War’s not about honor….
“Even a sky-realm expert will fall if a thousand earth-realm experts attack him at once. To prevent needless deaths, both sides agreed to the conditions that you should’ve seen on the instruction manual.”
“Wait.” Wasn’t I supposed to harvest heads? How does that work if there’s no bloody battle? “How do I get merits then?”
“You cut off your opponent’s head during the duel. Though, most of the time, people agree to surrender and pay a tribute instead if they lose.”
Is this even a war anymore? “…What about cutting off people’s ears and stringing them into a necklace? What about chopping off people’s penises and making a stew out of them? What about capturing prisoners and branding them with a hot iron before ransoming them back to their families?”
“We…, we don’t do that around these parts…. That’s … not normal.”
“And these rules were given on that instruction sheet?”
“That’s correct. Everyone participates in one duel a day.”
…No wonder why Ilya said it was full of bullshit. At the rate of one head per day, it’ll take me five thousand days to get five thousand heads! That’s like … so many years! I can’t wait that long! Hasn’t anyone heard the saying, all is fair in love and war!? Cutting off penises and turning them into stew should be the norm! It’ll strike fear into the hearts of my opponents! The victors of the war get to decide what’s moral and immoral! What’s wrong with the Immortal Continent? Honor? Duels? They’re too civilized! Mm. It’s clear that there’s something wrong with this place. And when something is wrong, it’s up to someone to fix it. I guess I’ll be that selfless person who’ll sacrifice herself for the greater good. With my abundant experience in warfare, I’ll teach these people how a war should be conducted!
***
We were given a paper on the rules of engagement, but Lucia didn’t read it. When I tried to tell her about it, Ilya stopped me for some reason. And now we’re about to enter the battlefield, but I’m the only one who has any idea of what’s supposed to happen! The battlefield is one giant arena with a thousand platforms for duels between individuals. It’s nothing like what we were expecting. Battle formations are useless, and the risk of death is a lot lower, which is nice. I suppose this is the only way for the perpetual battle to have lasted so long. What other single conflict has persisted for over hundreds of years?
I’m starting to think the war between Kang Country and Fang Country is just a ploy, a distraction of sorts. Maybe other countries will think we’re less threatening if all of our supposed resources were being spent on fighting each other. I don’t claim to know anything about politics, but I can only view this war as senseless, and there’s absolutely no reason to prolong it as much as it has been. But that’s just my opinion, and I’ve lived for a far significantly less amount of time than the people who actually make decisions. There could be something that I’m not seeing, but it’s not up to me to do anything about it. My goal is to bring the Shadow Devil Sect into prosperity by doing well on the battlefield. But we have to follow the rules to do that!
“It’s right ahead,” the naked person who was tied up behind Lucia said. He belonged to the Flaming Sparrow Sect. While I was watching over Ilya, Lucia defeated a squad of people through, what Brother Claw tells me, the ingenious use of hostages, threats, and blackmail along with lots of oaths to the heavens. Brother Claw’s the strongest disciple other than Lucia and me; I thought having him in charge would somehow keep Lucia in check, but I realize now that nothing can keep Lucia in check except for Durandal. The only time I’ve seen Lucia act against her whims was when Durandal threatened her with a lack of … s-sex. I, I wonder if Lucia’s the man in her relationship with Durandal too…. Does she prefer being on top? W-wait! What am I thinking!? T-this is all Ilya’s fault for saying such embarrassing things to me before!
“Really…?” Lucia asked. “Where?” Her head swiveled back and forth like an owl’s without pause. “I don’t see a battlefield.”
“It’s hidden behind a formation,” the man said. “Do you see that statue over there, between those three ash trees? Once you touch its head, everyone in the clearing will be transported inside.”
“Mm, some more reality-bending nonsense.” Lucia nodded. “Okay, got it. You’re free to go now. Thanks for the help.” Lucia placed her hands onto the railing of the boat before leaping over without hesitation. “Everyone off! It’s time to harvest five thousand heads!”
…That sounds pretty gruesome. And did she just tell this poor man that he was free to go but left him tied up? Without warning, the boat disappeared, and I almost didn’t react in time to pull out my flying sword. Only the tied-up man hit the ground; it seems like everyone else was already prepared for that. Why was Lucia in such a hurry? Speaking of Lucia, she was standing right next to the statue. For some reason, it looked different from just a few seconds ago as if—its head was on the ground!? S-she broke part of the formation!
“Hmm….” Lucia stared at the headless statue. Then she glared at the whimpering prisoner, whose leg was bending in a way it shouldn’t have been bending. “Did you lie to me?”
“N-no! I swear—”
Screams filled the air. A shiver ran down my spine as the sky was torn apart in front of my very eyes. Shattered, hazy images of blood-soaked people shouting and exploding flickered in and out of existence as black lightning rained down from the clear blue sky. And just as quickly as the nightmarish scene appeared, it disappeared again, as if I had hallucinated all of it. I wasn’t quite sure if that actually happened, or if I fell for another illusion like I had when we first entered the army camp.
“Oh,” Lucia said. “That was weird. The statue’s head’s back too.”
The statue’s head? The statue had returned to pristine condition after those images appeared. Perhaps the formation that the battlefield resided in was destabilized for a moment by Lucia, and once the people inside stabilized it, the statue repaired itself too. But if we really saw inside the formation a moment ago…, I swear people were exploding, and I’m sure that’s not natural! Don’t tell me people died because Lucia destroyed part of the formation.
“It’s working!” Lucia said, her tail flicking back and forth. Her hand was pressed against the statue’s head, and white light crawled along the ground, filling in a circular formation that surrounded the clearing we were in. “You guys better be ready! No one’s allowed to die! If any of you die in there, I’ll kill you, got it?”
“Yes, Chosen Lucia!”
It’s always hard for me to tell if Lucia is joking or not. When I think she’s telling a joke, she’s dead serious. When I think she’s being serious, she tells me she’s joking. It’s very confusing. Ilya doesn’t seem to have this problem; I wonder if she’ll teach me if I ask her. I think our relationship has gotten better since she was smacked over the head by the phoenix. I do wonder what th
at phoenix was thinking when it fled. It left behind its egg. If Lucia and I had a child and Lucia died, there’s no way I’d abandoned our child under any circumstance. …Wait. There’s something wrong with that sentence. What—
“Since no one here wants to accept my challenge, then I’ll challenge those newcomers! You! The lady with the fox tail, get on the stage! I love eating fox meat!”
The scenery’s changed; this place looks almost exactly like our Shadow Devil Sect’s cultural exchange location—there’s just a lot more platforms in the center. And someone on one of the platforms just issued a challenge to the newcomers, us, specifically Lucia. I feel sorry for him.
“Is that fatty challenging me?” Lucia asked and tilted her head. “Mm, I could use a quick warmup before I get serious. Alright!”
But, Lucia, you’re only allowed to fight one person a day…. Please, follow the rules! There’s at least ten million people here, and half of them are not on our side! They don’t even have to use any techniques to kill us all; if all of them spat once, we’d drown in a lake of spit! I, I guess it won’t be too late to tell Lucia about the rules after she’s done with her fight since she’s already on the platform….
***
“Who’s that woman? It seems like it’s her first time here.”
“She can only blame her bad luck for being chosen by Butcher. Maybe he’ll spare her if she begs.”
What are these people saying? Spare me? Is this Butcher person scary? My tail is completely relaxed! There’s no way this guy can be scary. Maybe if I was a cookie, I’d be scared of him. He’s kind of pudgy, and it’s clear he snacks a lot. I thought cultivators didn’t eat because they were masochists or something. How did he get fat?
“At least she’s not a beauty. It would’ve been truly unfortunate if that young miss who was beside her was chosen instead.”
Oi. Which fucker called me ugly just now? It was that guy with the blue robes and…, why does he look so generic!? There are so many people who look exactly like him! There’s no way I’m going to remember him to teach him a lesson! Mm. Fine. Every person in those blue robes and white bandana is going to be stripped and thrown into a dungeon once I get the chance.
“Nervous? Look around all you want, little fox. No one’s going to help you,” the fat man in front of me said. He was wearing a white robe, but it was covered in bloodstains, so it was red and brown and black. And he was using meat cleavers as weapons. “People call me Butcher! I’m an earth-realm expert who’s killed over twenty earth-realm experts and over thousands of saint-realm fodders in the ten years I’ve been here! What’s wrong? So scared that you can’t even speak!?”
Mm. I’m having a hard time deciding whether I should use a hammer or an earth-realm-ranked sword. It’ll be so much more satisfying to hit him with the hammer, but then he’d go flying and it’d be a pain in the ass to drag him back so my minions can harvest his head. But if I use a sword, I could cut off his limbs and I wouldn’t have to go through that hassle. But it’ll be so much less satisfying without the crunching sounds. Hah…. Why do I have to make such tough decisions? Being too good at so many things is so hard sometimes. Sword…. Hammer…. Sword…? Hammer…. Sword…. Fine, sword it is.
“Lucia! Watch out!”
Eh? He’s running at me. Did the battle start? I wasn’t ready! Why didn’t anyone tell me it started!? This stupid cheater is trying to sneak attack me! “Madness Strike!” …And there goes his legs. He didn’t even try to block or dodge! I think he said he was an earth-realm expert? Great! Please, deity watching over my life, let every earth-realm expert be as weak as him! Struggle to grow strong? Fuck that! I’m not handicapping myself to artificially increase the difficulty like Durandal wanted me to. If I had a choice to fight a tiger or a baby duck, I’d pick the baby duck every time!
“Gah! My legs! My legs!”
Mm, I have a lot of fights to do today. If I didn’t have this necklace of intelligence, I might’ve done something stupid like Madness Strike a defenseless target! That’s such a waste of qi. I’ll conserve my strength and remove his arms with my bare hands instead. I’ll grab his bicep right here … and place my foot on his chest like so … and pull!
“Ah!!! Ah!!! My arm! She’s insane! Somebody, help me!”
And I have to remove his other arm too. Can’t be too careful. Mhm. What if he pulls something out of his interspacial ring? Just because someone only has one arm doesn’t mean they can’t be dangerous! I can’t stop praising this necklace of intelligence. I’m so glad Ilya made it for me. It must’ve saved me at least three hours of trouble with the extra brain power it gave me.
Pop!
Okay! He’s completely disarmed! Literally. It should be pretty safe to drag him back now. Hmm. Why’s everyone so quiet? Ah! It’s because I made my debut, isn’t it? They’re awestruck by how powerful I am. Hmph, hmph. Let’s see these people call me ugly now! I dare them.
“L-Lucia. Why did you bring him over here…? You’re supposed to take a tribute or take his head….”
“Yeah, I want to take his head, but I don’t want to kill him, you know?” Killing is wrong. Well, no, not all killing is wrong. Murder is wrong. Mm, killing to eat is completely fine. “I don’t want my reputation to be that of a murderer. That’s why, one of you should do it.”
“I’ll do it!” Claw shot to his feet and cupped his hands at me. “I’m cultivating my family’s secret technique that allows me to take the qi of the people I kill. Please, allow me, Chosen Lucia!”
What!? Stealing the qi from the people he kills? How vicious! That’s the technique of an immoral murderer! “Can you give me that technique too?”
Softie tugged on my sleeve. “It’s a secret family technique. It’s impolite to ask that.”
“That’s not a problem, Chosen Lucia. I already swore to accompany you even through the depths of the underworld,” Claw said and bowed. “But this technique can only be cultivated by a man; otherwise, you’ll explode. Do you still want it?”
…What is this sexist cultivation technique? “Err, no. I’ll pass.” Exploding is the last thing I want to do. Actually, no, I don’t want to explode at all.
Claw nodded at me before crouching next to the unconscious Butcher. He raised the sword I gave him into the air and chopped down with a grin on his face. …There’s something wrong with Claw. He’s not normal. Definitely not normal. Who smiles when he kills someone? Claw grunted and grabbed Butcher’s head. “Here you go.”
Well…, at least someone’s willing to harvest heads for me! I’d feel bad if I made someone unwillingly become a murderer, like Softie. But since Claw doesn’t seem to have any qualms about killing people, it all works out. I’ll just stuff this head into my interspacial ring and wait for the next duel.
“I, Beast Tamer Forest, challenge any earth-realm expert or below!”
“Dibs! I call dibs!” There’s a lot of people named Forest for some reason. I swear he’s the third or fourth Forest person I’ve met so far. Or I could just be remembering things wrongly again. Mm. Well, it doesn’t matter. It’s my turn to fight again!
“You can only fight once a day, Lucia!” Softie grabbed my sleeve before I could run up there.
“Eh….” Right. That prisoner did say those were the rules, and there’s an awful lot of people here. If I don’t follow the rules, then they could all attack me at once! Teach these people warfare? Harvest everyone’s heads with reckless abandon? Fuck that! I’ll die if this many people gang up on me! I’ll follow those rules, but I’m not going to slow down! With this necklace of intelligence, I’ve easily come up with a loophole! Err, ingenious idea! It’s not a loophole. Nope. “How do you read this?”
“This nameplate?” Softie asked. “Flaming Sparrow Sect’s core disciple, Fiery Rain.”
“Okay! I’ll just wear this nameplate like so…, and now I’m no longer Lucia Fluffytail. I’m Flaming Rain!”
“Fiery Rain.”
“Fiery Rain!” There’s no way my
foolproof plan can fail! “I, Fiery Rain, accept your challenge, Beast Tamer Forest!”
***
There’s no way Lucia’s plan will work. She didn’t even change clothes after putting on that nameplate. Wait, no, that’s not the problem with her plan! She’s the only fox—err, squirrelkin here! Her pretending to be someone else is going to end in a disaster. At most, she’ll be prevented from fighting again, right? The penalty for disobeying the rules was a hundred lashes for everyone in the disobedient person’s squad. I’ve never been lashed before.
“Stop! You’re not allowed to fight more than once a day!” And someone’s trying to stop Lucia already. Please, succeed.
“Eh? But this is my first time fighting!” Lucia completely disregarded our ally and hopped onto the stage where Beast Tamer Forest was waiting. “See, look! This nametag says Fiery Rain. The last person who was up here was Lucia Fluffytail. We look a lot alike because we’re both foxkin, but we’re not actually the same person. Mhm.”
“That’s right!” Brother Claw shouted. I nearly jumped from how loud he was. “Lucia Fluffytail is a chosen of our Shadow Devil Sect. That person, Fiery Rain, has nothing to do with our sect! She belongs to the Flaming Sparrow Sect.”
There has to be someone who’s in charge of this, right? If someone broke the rules, someone has to act as the judge. And with this many people gathered in one place, it’d be terrible if the rules were broken and a conflict erupted between the two sides. The mediator should show him or herself soon to prevent Lucia from disregarding rules that have persisted for hundreds of years.
