The Immortal Continent

by Virlyce

  “Chosen Lucia, I brought the corpses over. Can you move the boulder blocking the entrance?”

  I know boulders won’t do much to stop that freak if he wants to hurt me, but it’s comforting to have out there blocking me from view! It’s like covering your head with a blanket even though ghosts can pass through cotton. Right, if you’re being chased by monsters, hiding under your blanket will make you feel better, but they’ll eat your face anyway and you’ll die. But at least you’ll die in comfort! …Maybe I should find another bone to carve a focus rune into. “Alright, bring them in.” I moved the boulder aside, and Passionate Cloud scrambled inside. Then I moved the boulder back into place.

  “Here. I didn’t miss anything,” Passionate Cloud said. He handed me a pouch of rings before pulling corpses out of his interspacial ring. “I swear an oath to the heavens that I didn’t keep any of their items for myself.” His chest lit up for a brief moment, signaling the oath was made. My subordinates are so loyal. The disloyal ones are treated by Ilya. Mm, I make it sound like there was more than one, but there wasn’t. After the first time, no one tried to lay their hands on the things I wanted.

  “Alright, like I thought, this guy had a sky-realm-ranked sword! Right? This is a sky-realm-ranked sword, right, Softie?” It’s a rapier! It’s … kind of thin. If I stick Durandal into this, will his spirit body reflect this shape…? I…, I waited so long for an appropriate sword, but … if Durandal’s penis ends up shrinking because of this…. I can’t! Alright, I have twenty sky-realm experts’ heads. I’ll just have the crown prince get the smith to make a sword that looks exactly like Durandal’s previous weapon body!

  “I don’t think she heard you,” Ilya said.

  “Lucia? Hello?” Softie waved her hand in front of my face. “Yes, that’s a sky-realm-ranked sword. But it doesn’t look like the hilt is thick enough to embed Durandal’s spirit seed.”

  Like I thought! This sword isn’t thick enough! Yup, that reaffirms my decision to hire that smith! “Mm. Alright.” I’ll just hold onto it for now. Oh! I’ll motivate my minions. “I’ll give this to the first person who reaches the sky realm.” And if that’s me, I’ll give it to myself! But they don’t know that. It’ll be a while before any of them reaches the sky realm anyways. I’ll be sipping hot chocolate with my kids fanning me with giant palm leaves back in the pocket realm by then!

  “I still can’t believe we met an immortal.” Claw shook his head. “I think he left us alone because we’re like ants to him. It didn’t matter whether he killed us or not.” Claw sighed and clenched his fists. “One day, I’ll surpass him.”

  That’s the spirit, Claw! The stronger my minions are, the easier the life I’ll have in the future. Mm, anyways, there was only one sky-realm-ranked sword. Even sky-realm experts are dirt poor, huh? Alright, let’s move this boulder out of the way and board our ship and get the heck out of here! My army of apparitions should’ve accomplished their mission of destroying the outposts by now. I really hope they weren’t hunted down by that immortal. …I didn’t just jinx myself, right? …Hmm. Oh wells, what’s done is done!

  “Aroooo! Ruff! Ruff!”

  Mn? It’s Mr. Feathers! He came back! And he brought back a … kid? “Mr. Feathers, the heck is this?”

  “Ruff!” Mr. Feathers barked before flying towards my waist and crawling back into the pouch. I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t eat that egg yet. And I hope Mr. Feathers will get along with those running fish that are still in there. I should probably eat them soon. If you keep fish out of water for too long, they’ll start to smell. Mm. I haven’t eaten in a while! It’s been three whole days! I nearly forgot. How sad would it be if I died of starvation right before accomplishing my goal?

  The kid that Mr. Feathers brought back jumped up and down while shouting. He was naked, and he was covered in bubbles. Was he taking a bath before Mr. Feathers snatched him? No, why the hell did Mr. Feathers snatch a kid!? “My father won’t let you get away with this! He’s a sky-realm smith! How dare you kidnap the son of a smith!? My father’s friends with immortals! They’ll come find me and make you regret this!”

  “Lucia…? It seems like your first plan worked….” Softie bit her lower lip before taking a cloak out of her interspacial ring. She draped it over the kid and hugged him. “It’s alright. We saved you from that dreadful phoenix. You don’t have to be scared, okay? We’ll take you back to your father right away.”

  The kid screeched and whirled around. Then he saw Softie’s face and promptly shut up with his mouth still hanging open. “P-pretty….” His cheeks turned bright red, and he lowered his head, his eyes flitting up and down to look at Softie’s face without trying to be obvious about it but totally failing to. Hmm. Maybe I should give Softie those manuals the succubus sect gave me. I think it suits her much more than planting heart devils. Softie’s too nice to traumatize people. Wait, if I captured the child of a smith, then doesn’t that mean all my work at this battlefield has been for nothing!? I demand a refund on my time!

  ***

  “Your face is really red right now, you know that?”

  I know! It’s not my fault the contents of these manuals are so embarrassing! Ilya doesn’t have to rub it in…. Why is she even in my room? “Did you need something, Sister Ilya?”

  “No. I wanted to see your reaction to those manuals since I already know their contents,” Ilya said and shrugged. “And, as I thought, it was very refreshing. I can only spend so long turning corpses into jelly every day. Ugh, it’s practically soul-sucking work.”

  “Why are you turning the sky-realm experts into jellies again…?” I don’t understand why she makes people into food products even though she’s not going to eat them. Maybe if she were a cannibal, I’d think of it as a little more acceptable, but … wait, no, it should never be acceptable to turn dead people into gelatin.

  “I can’t figure out how else to refine their bodies.” Ilya sighed. “If the temperature is too low, nothing happens. I can’t even break their bones with a twelfth-circle spell. I have to superheat them first before I can attempt to manipulate them, but then they always end up breaking down into this goopy, fatty substance. And when it cools, I’m left with jelly.”

  “But didn’t you make a bracelet for Lucia?”

  “It’s filled with jelly.”

  I can’t give her any advice since I’m not too familiar with alchemy. But it didn’t seem like she came here for advice; she wanted to see my reaction to the Seducing Succubus Sect’s core techniques. I thought they’d be perfect for me, and they are…, but they’re so embarrassing! This passage especially! The more servile cultivators of this technique take on the role of an impurity cleanser. Through the exchange of saliva with someone of higher cultivation, the servile cultivator can increase in strength by absorbing the impurities within that person’s body, ultimately converting it into one’s own qi. It is quite common for newer disciples to become servile to elders within the sect. For more effective cultivation practices, it is recommended to receive the saliva of many different people.

  The Seducing Succubus Sect is filled with degenerates! Their techniques are so vulgar! This is how they use other people’s underwear: If one wishes to increase their cultivation speed, it is recommended to fill one’s immortal cave with used underwear, preferably of the opposite gender’s. The pheromones released by the fabric will heighten one’s senses and increase the qi flow within one’s body. For more effective cultivation practices, it is recommended to wear soiled underwear directly on one’s face.

  “Your face turned even redder. I bet I could melt sky-realm experts’ bones with the heat your cheeks are giving off.” Ilya nodded and yawned before leaning back in her chair. She smirked at me. “Which part are you on? The swapping spit? The wearing underwear? Or are you on the kinky bondag—”

  “Don’t say it!” R-right. The Seducing Succubus Sect’s core technique ramps up in vulgarity at an exponential pace. The depraved acts that saint-realm experts and e
arth-realm experts have to do are too…, too…, I can’t say it. For now, I’ll focus on cultivating the first part of the Seducing Succubus Sect’s core technique! L-Lucia has a lot of impurities. If I become servile to her, there’s no doubt my cultivation will increase by leaps and bounds. B-but we’d have to k-kiss each other!

  “Hum, whatever. But should you really be switching techniques like that? What kind of immortal is wishy-washy about their cultivation?” Ilya shook her head. “I’m really curious about that immortal now. Just who was he? Do you know?”

  “I don’t.” I’ve only heard about immortals in stories. I’ve never actually met one in person until two days ago. The pressure coming off of him was enough to make me pee myself; it was really embarrassing. I appreciate the fact he helped us out when all hope was lost, but I wish he could’ve done it in a friendlier way.

  Ilya shrugged. “Well, thanks for amusing me. I’m going back to finish refining those sky-realm experts. Oh, Lucia’s in a deep sleep since she didn’t rest for three days while harvesting those heads.” She smiled, but why did her smile seem more evil than nice? “It’s the perfect chance for you to practice your newfound technique.”

  Perfect chance to … kiss Lucia!? I shouldn’t let this go to waste! “I’m going right now!” T-this is practice for the cultivation technique! I’m practicing with someone I’m comfortable with before moving on to the real thing. After all, Lucia and I are both women. Kissing each other doesn’t count for anything! It’s not a taboo like kissing a man out of wedlock. A girl can’t get married if that happens, so it only makes sense for me to test this technique on Lucia first. “Thanks, Ilya!”

  Ilya scratched her head as I ran past her. “Huh. You’re a lot less flustered than I thought you’d be.”

  Lucia’s room is right next to mine. She’s the one who wanted it that way so she could sneak into my room to interrupt my cultivation whenever she’s bored. I knocked as softly as I could on the door to prevent Lucia from waking up as etiquette dictates, and I slipped inside without a sound after a few seconds passed. The door didn’t make any noise as it closed, but there was one problem!

  “Oh, good afternoon, Soft Moonlight. Lucia’s sleeping right now. You probably shouldn’t disturb her.”

  This stupid wolfkin is watching over her! “Um, Gae Bulg, can you step outside of the room for a moment?”

  Gae Bulg shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. His cloth spear lay across his lap. “I can’t do that. Though Lucia’s a terrible master to me, it is my duty to keep her safe while she sleeps.”

  “I, I wanted to help Lucia by performing a technique that would transfer some of her impurities to me. And the method is a bit … embarrassing.”

  “Wet eyes and crying will not sway me. A weapon spirit has no emotions.” Gae Bulg narrowed his eyes. “And have you forgotten what happened when Lucia touched the impurity-cleansing pool? You want to try to take some of her impurities?”

  “Wait. You saw that?” We were in the impurity-cleansing pool alone with each other…. Did this spirit watch me bathe!? I, I still had my clothes on because Lucia threw me in, but still! My purity….

  Gae Bulg nodded, crushing my heart. “Naturally. I am always watching over Lucia.”

  “…Always?”

  “Yes. Even when Lucia drags you into bed and cuddles you to fall asleep while her fingers roam about inappropriately, I am watching.”

  T-this perverted spirit! “You shouldn’t sound so proud of that!”

  “Ah? Softie? Mm. Are we at the camp already? I wanted to sleep some more.” Lucia yawned and rubbed her eyes. My shouting woke her up…. This stupid, stupid wolfkin! I’ll…, I’ll…, I’ll tie him up and practice the third level of the Seducing Succubus Sect’s technique on him in front of Lucia!

  ***

  We’re almost at the camp! I’m one step closer to accomplishing my goal! Once I hand over these heads, I’ll order up the best sword ever for Durandal to inhabit. Then, once he’s all solid and manly and not a spirit seed anymore, I’ll flee back to the pocket realm! This necklace of intelligence let me realize something while I was daydreaming. Only a sky-realm expert or above could open the path back home. I might not be a sky-realm expert, but there are so many that I can kidnap and threaten that it doesn’t matter! Just look at all these heads I harvested. As long as the sky-realm expert isn’t as abnormally strong as that crown prince or that person who got obliterated instantly by the immortal, then I’m super-duper confident that I’ll be able to browbeat them into my whims!

  And this time, I have no intentions of letting Durandal bully me as he pleases! I’m not going to fall for his threats of refusing me sex any longer! Ilya already made me a spirit-restraining rope out of sky-realm experts’ hair. There’s absolutely no way for Durandal to escape my bed! So, even if Durandal wants me to cultivate longer, become stronger, or work harder, I’m not going to listen to him. Hmph, hmph. Let’s see how he’ll threaten me now. I still haven’t forgiven him for dragging me into this Immortal Continent against my will! Mm, actually, I’m a little less angry about that since this place turned out to be like a paradise filled with fat sheep, but that encounter with the immortal nearly made me crap my pants. My principles won’t allow me to forgive Durandal for forcing me into such a dangerous place! What was that lunatic thinking anyway? How could a weapon spirit be so cruel as to force his cute and defenseless master into such a conniving, bloodthirsty, and perverted world! If it weren’t for my quick wits and sharp thinking, I’d definitely have gotten the short end of the stick somewhere. Mm, that saying doesn’t really make any sense. Isn’t a stick just one giant end? How do you get the shorter end of a single end? Ah, whatever. As a genius, I shouldn’t criticize other people’s lack of common sense; it’ll make me look arrogant, which I’m not.

  “Captain of the Shadow Devil Sect Squad, Lucia Fluffytail, requesting permission to enter!” We made it to the camp! Mm, Softie said there was a giant defensive formation around it. I wonder what I’d have to break to weaken the person controlling that formation. The battlefield formations had statues, but I don’t see any statues around here. Hm. Maybe I could summon an apparition to eat its boundaries. But why would I do that? This formation’s helpful! It let me rob many people in the past. I didn’t get much out of it, but that doesn’t matter because robbing people is fun. Err, good practice! Robbing people is good practice. I rob people completely out of necessity! Only a sadist would rob others for enjoyment.

  “Dismount from your boat first before entering the camp.”

  Oh, right. I forgot about that. But this is a carriage! Eh, carriages aren’t allowed inside either, so that excuse wouldn’t work. Hah. I guess I’ll have to walk like a peasant. Wait a minute. I have a mount! Where are they…? Mr. Feathers didn’t eat them all, right? Ah, caught one! “Alright, running fish. If you don’t want to be eaten, you’re going to obediently be my mount, got it?”

  “Can I have one too?” Ilya appeared out of nowhere! Well, everyone appeared out of nowhere since I stowed the boat into my ring.

  “Ah, yeah, sure.” I pulled out a second running fish for Ilya. It was bigger than the first one, so I hopped onto it and gave the first one to Ilya. The leader of the group has to have the best things; otherwise, she’ll lose all respect! This applies to everything, including mounts—even if the mounts are fish with legs.

  “I want an axolotl mount too! Give me one!”

  Ah. It’s the spoiled brat that Mr. Feathers kidnapped. Wait, no, I shouldn’t be thinking of him as a spoiled brat! Let me try that again. Ah. It’s my ticket to a sky-realm-ranked sword that Mr. Feathers picked up off the ground. Mm, sky-realm-ranked sword tickets should be treated with respect too. I’ll give him a mount as well. I have at least ten running fish stowed away in my pouch; letting him use one won’t hurt.

  “Are those the mounts of the Great Axolotl Sect? They came back the other day without their leader. They wouldn’t say anything to save face, but it was obvious their
leader had died and their mounts were taken from them. Why are those axolotls with you?”

  Oi. Is this guy a doorman or a detective? Just do your job and let us in, dammit! “That’s none of your business. Are you going to let us in or not? I have something super important to report to the crown prince!”

  “…Please proceed, the defensive formation has been deactivated.”

  That’s more like it. Durandal’s already been gone for so many weeks. I don’t have the patience to answer some random side character’s questions! If it weren’t for the fact that Durandal might change appearance if I stick him into the sky-realm-ranked rapier, I would’ve already planted him inside of it. “Alright, fishy, to the crown prince!” My running fish mount didn’t move. “Mm. You probably don’t know where he is either, huh?” That’s okay! I’ll use that roaring technique that Quick Shot taught me. “Crown Prince! Crown Prince Single! Single Sky! Eternal Bachelor Sky! Mr. Bachelor! Mr. Eternal Bachelor Crown Prince Single—”

  “Who’s shouting this late at night!? I was about to break through a bottleneck in my cultivation!”

  Ah? I thought cultivators didn’t sleep. Why would it matter if I shouted at night or not? Mm, but I smell a lot of blood for some reason. Don’t tell me they all coughed some out because of my shouting. Cultivators get internally injured by the strangest things.

  “Captain Fluffytail.”

  It’s the crown prince! “Hey! I have these twenty sky-realm experts’ heads! I want to select my reward; hire that smith for me!”