Every Single Heartbeat

by Abbye J Leen

  After listening to Amelia’s infinite amount of recommendation, and having said goodbye to her, I start unpacking and sorting out some of my stuff.

  My new roommate is a little bit... unusual, dare I say? All covered in piercings and odd tattoos, which isn’t a problem, at all. I just hope she won’t be bringing any weirdos around.

  I wonder if Noah’s arrived yet, if the trip with his father went well, where his new apartment might be... then I wonder what his roommate looks like and whether he’s missing me at least a little.

  I sigh, thinking about how I must be the only person on Earth capable of missing Noah as much, even though we’ve only spent a night away from each other. I feel so, damn hurt... why does he not want to make love to me? What did he mean by ‘not wanting me to consider him a mistake’? Maybe he’s just afraid that he’ll be the one making it... the mistake, I mean? Maybe sleeping with me would be too compromising for him, maybe that’s why he sticks to kisses only. Suddenly Emily, the girl I’ll be sharing the apartment with, distracts me from my thoughts.

  "So, you're from Venice! I love that place, it’s so eccentric!" she says, oddly gesticulating with her hands.

  "Yep, what about you?" I ask.

  "I’m from Santa Monica"

  "Aren’t you going to miss it, a little bit?"

  "No way, darling! College means freedom!" She replies cheerfully.

  "What course did you take?"

  "Aerospace Engineering. It’s one of the top ten departments, did you know that?" she replies, her eyes lighting up as she speaks.

  "Wow, I wouldn't understand a thing at all"

  "Nah, it’s a fancy-named faculty, but it’s not as bad as it sounds. What about you? You look like the type of girl who’d go for Classical Languages!" she laughs.

  "Why not? I mean, everybody’s got their own path in life and even if I do like that major, I’m actually here to do Art"

  "Oh, so we’ve got an artist over here, That’s rad! As for the path in life thing, I totally agree with girl! Well, I’m off now, laters!"

  I sigh for the zillionth time today, unable to stop thinking about Noah and what he might be up to right now. I take a look around and decide to go check out the neighborhood, but just as I open the door my heart starts beating out of my chest.

  How and why is he so beautiful?

  His eyes instantly meet mine as he keeps walking towards me, while I’m still holding onto the door’s knob, completely startled.

  "Hey" I say.

  "I bumped into Amelia earlier on, she told me where your new apartment was" he says, holding my hand and pulling me back inside with him. I guess he wants to take a look around

  “My house is on the other side of campus"

  Perfect... - I think to myself - I won’t even be able to keep an eye on him.

  "Okay. So, I was just about to take a little tour outside, would you like to come with me?" I ask, unable to really look at him in the face. My pride is still deeply hurt.

  Noah steps closer to me, until the tip of his shoes almost touches mine, he gently places a finger under my chin and lifts it up, so that our eyes can meet. There’s something worrying him and I’m sure of it. Noah’s like an open book to me, I can see right through his every facade, the way he can with me.

  "I didn’t mean to hurt you, Ellie"

  "I know, it doesn't matter Noah"

  "To me it does"

  He keeps his eyes fixed on mine, whereas I, instead, can’t seem to stop being captivated by his lips.

  "Ellie" he whispers, making me look up again and I notice that he seems a bit less tense now. He brings his hands up to my face and caresses it gently, slowly, moving down to my neck and once again, my heart starts beating out of control.

  I can’t just let him get away with it… can I?

  A sweet smile frames his face, before he leans in closer to me and presses his lips against mine. I try to resist him but fail, slipping my hands through his hair and holding onto him tightly in a matter of moments. Our tongues duel flawlessly, as our bodies entwine, more and more by the second. Noah slips his hand under my shirt, slowly moving it upwards to delicately cup my breasts.

  "I want our first time together to be perfect, plain perfect" he whispers close to my lips. He lifts me into his arms, then lays me down in bed, without ever moving his lips away from mine. I’m lying down still, his body on top of mine, as he passionately touches my body and when he suddenly sneaks his hand under my pants, I can’t do other than follow and accommodate his gestures with my hips. I imitate him, sliding my hands under his jeans and grabbing his stone hard erection. We touch each other following the same rhythm, as we keep kissing ardently. I can feel his hands moving at the same pace as mine, our bodies in perfect unison and when he uses his free hand to take my shirt off and reveal my breasts, he groans in a way so so guttural and raw that it drives me absolutely mad. He searches for and finds my eyes. Inside his, I can see a bright, burning lust, while we keep moving, driven by the empyreal sensations that we’re making each other feel right now.

  Noah then presses his lips against my nipple and kisses it, before he gently starts biting it and sucking on it, making me feel absolutely ecstatic. I can’t stop myself from moaning, whimpering loudly under his touch, his kisses, his caresses.

  "Ellie" he whispers, closing his eyes.

  As our movements become faster, we slowly start losing control of our senses and at last, together we quiver, allowing ourselves to reach what’s considered to be the most satisfying sensation on Earth. I can't get enough of him, I can't stop being totally enraptured by the image of him, losing control solely thanks to me, thanks to my hands.

  Noah softly kisses my face, caressing me in a way he only knows how and as he lulls me tenderly, I softly fall asleep into his arms.

  When I wake up Noah’s still by my side, looking at me, as he gently runs his fingers up and down my arm, sending fierce shivers down my spine. I glance at his tattoo, the one that means the most to me… I’d like to whisper to him how much I love him, how precious he is to me and how much my soul craves his, but I stay silent and instead of talking, I decide to use my lips to make him go crazy a little more.

  Noah

  16

  College life is much more complicated than I’d expected. We’ve been at UCLA for six months now and with all these classes, confraternity duties, football matches and studying that I have to do, I barely have any time left to see my girlfriend. I’m so thankful for her, she’s never once complained about my absence. Whenever she’s got any spare time, she comes see my football matches, whereas I sometimes manage to take her with me to some of the parties organized by my frat.

  She’s been pretty caught up with everything too lately, always busy finishing her paintings, studying or dealing with college associations. I need to make more time for her, for the most valuable and priceless gift that life has ever blessed me with. Without thinking twice about it, I decide to stop by her house to say hi, before the next, boring philosophy class that I have. I walk down the hall that leads to Ellie's flat and when I see her, standing outside her door, my heart skips a beat, like every single time I look at her. Her long hair’s tied up in a ponytail, she’s got a pair of shorts on and a bright yellow tank top, that enlightens her face beautifully.

  I look at her, kneeled down in front of a guy, picking up some of her books off the ground and... she’s smiling at him. I can’t stand it, she’s mine and it is only I, that she must smile at that way.

  My stomach starts complaining, my chest feels like it’s being sat on by an elephant and a profound sense of anguish quickly creeps his way up inside of me.

  I walk towards her at an extremely fast pace, lessening the distance between us in almost no time and keep watching, as she stands back up and the guy hands her the rest of her books.

  "I’m so sorry, honestly" he says.

  "Don't worry about it" she responds.

  "Hey baby" I intervene, and Ellie looks at me, with
those sweet, deep and tremendously beautiful eyes of hers. The eyeliner she’s drawn onto her eyelid brings out the blue of her iris, while a thin layer of transparent gloss makes her lips voluptuous and shiny. I’m breathless just looking at her.

  "Hey stranger!" she says, smiling.

  I kiss her on the lips, first of all because I couldn’t resist her any longer and second of all because I somewhat felt the need to mark my territory.

  "Is everything ok over here?" I ask.

  Green eyed boy with curly hair smiles and it’s not so much the fact that he’s smiling that makes me want to punch him in the face, but rather his attitude and the way he’s brazenly drooling all over my girlfriend. I put my hands around her waist and pull her closer to me.

  "Everything's fine Noah, we just walked into each other and my stuff fell all over the place" she replies, better settling her body against mine.

  “I’m super sorry Ellie, I didn’t mean to do that. See you!" says he, waving goodbye.

  "And he knows your name because…?" I ask, watching him leave.

  "Noah, he’s in almost all my classes" she replies, rummaging through her bag.

  After six months of pure blindness, I suddenly feel threatened by the potential number of boys that I haven’t had the time to keep Ellie away from. We start walking to my class, while I’m trying as hard as I can to avoid getting caught up in my thoughts.

  "I've never seen that guy before" I say, sliding my fingers through her hair. She sighs, pausing her search for whatever it was that she’s looking for inside her bag.

  "Noah, you barely even have time to see me" says she, sadly. I stop caressing her hair and stop walking, too, then bring my fingers under her chin and lift it up to make her look at me.

  "I'm sorry, baby. I’ll make it up to you, I promise" I tell her.

  She smiles sadly and shrugs, then says: "I get it Noah, you're just doing what it takes to build yourself a brighter future and I can understand that, because that’s what I’m doing too. We still have the rest of our lives ahead of us to be together, don’t we?"

  I’ve got such a beautiful AND intelligent girlfriend... I smile at her, leaning in to kiss the tip of her nose.

  "We do, we have forever to do so" I say, stealing another kiss from her.

  As I drop her off to class, I notice that the guy she walked into earlier is there, too. I don’t know why but I can't help having a bad feeling about him. I notice that he’s staring at my girlfriend, so I seize the opportunity to start making out with her passionately, intentioned to make him and everybody else in room understand that she belongs to me and me only, but if at first I was only thinking about making it clear to that loser that Ellie’s my property, now that her tongue entangles with mine, I forget all about that and lose myself completely.

  I caress Ellie’s face, as she gently brushes a strand of hair out of my eyes.

  "You should get a trim" she points out.

  "I will. See you tonight?"

  "Are you up for it?" She asks, running her fingers up and down my chest.

  "I want to be up for it, actually, screw everything else" I reassure her. Her smile says a lot about the way my words made her feel.

  "See you later then!" she says, before kissing me once again, then leaving. For the third time today, I see that boy lay his eyes on her.

  That’s just not how things work buddy, I think to myself, heading to class so angry that my stomach aches.

  Olivia is a cheerleader here at UCLA’s, she a fine blonde who clings to me constantly, unfortunately for her though, I can’t stand her at all. Especially not today. I’ve been a bundle of nerves ever since I saw that guy buzzing around my girlfriend this morning. I can’t stop thinking about how very little attention I’ve been paying to her lately. I’ve always been afraid of losing her to somebody else, even when we weren’t together, even as kids. I’ve always found my ways to keep boys a safe distance from her but here, considering the number of students this college has and the fact that I have got no way to keep an eye on her, I simply feel hopeless.

  I sigh, before launching the ball with all the strength in my body.

  "So, are you coming to Cris's party tonight?" Asks Olivia, running her fingers through her hair, in what’s supposed to be a sensual motion.

  "No, I’ve got more important things to do" I reply, thinking about the sweet evening that awaits me and my girlfriend.

  "There's nothing more important than staying true to your frat, Noah. The events that they organize are not to be missed and you know that very well" she says haughtily, while I completely ignore her. Who the fuck does she think she is? I walk away from her, trying to focus back on the game, although I don’t seem to be doing all that well, like always when I’m worried about Ellie.

  ***

  At precisely seven P.M., despite everything and everyone, I’m in front of Ellie’s house ringing her doorbell, as nervous as I was on our first date. Opening up the door for me is Emily, Ellie’s peculiar new flat-mate. I think she’s nice, but I don’t think the feeling is mutual.

  "What an honor!" she says, looking at me sideways.

  «Hey Emily, how are you?"

  "Great" she says, stepping away from the door.

  I walk inside and glance at the picture of us hanging above Ellie’s desk, immediately my heart feels warmer.

  "Where’s Ellie?"

  "She's getting ready" she cuts it short, while I sit on the couch. A couple of minutes later my beautiful girlfriend comes out of the bathroom, flawless as usual, if not more so. I walk up to her eagerly and she smiles, spreading her arms wide open and then wrapping them around me tightly. She kisses me softly, as I hold her as close to my heart as can be. We say goodbye to Emily, then I hold her hand and finally, take her away with me.

  Ellie

  17

  I should really say thank you to Moreno, my classmate, because it’s only thanks to him that I finally found out the real reason as to why Noah’s been putting everything off lately, from the brotherhood’s parties, to the football matches: he’s jealous and when he’s jealous, he deranges completely... And that’s not good for our relationship. Maybe I’m wrong about this, maybe this isn’t about jealousy, maybe he’s really missed having me around. Who knows?

  We stroll along the main avenue that’s full of shops and club, while I let myself get carried away by such a lovely, untroubled atmosphere, savoring every single moment that passes. Our hands entwined, his bright eyes attentively looking at me, then at the road and viceversa... I find myself amazed, at how much I long for peaceful moments like these lately. Moments that we rarely have the time to share anymore. Moments in which he has eyes for me and me only. Moments that show me that I truly am the person that matters most to him.

  I try as hard as I can to preserve these moments in my mind and soul, memorizing how each one of them feels like. Memorizing how amazing, unique and exciting is it to be with him, because there’s this bad feeling that I’ve been having for a while, that our story has reached rock bottom already, after only six months of college only.

  I sigh disconsolately, with a lump in my throat that I simply can’t get rid of.

  "What do you wanna eat, babe? Pizza, Chinese, Mexican…?" Asks Noah, distracting me from my thoughts.

  "Anything is fine, you pick" I reply apathetically.

  "Hey… is everything all right? You’ve been quiet all evening" he asks, apprehensively.

  "I'm alright Noah, just a little hangry"

  He nods, but I know that he’s not buying it and I know that he won’t stop questioning me about it, either. I’m trying so hard to behave normally, trying so hard to behave like my usual, happy self, but how can I do that, when I feel like I’ve got the weight of the whole world on my shoulders?

  I can’t stand feeling insecure and after dad’s endless fight with depression, I can’t stand feeling sad either. And yet here I am, unable to brush my emotions off, unable to get rid of that bad feeling.

  We stop
by a Mexican restaurant, the best thing about this part of town is that it lacks absolutely nothing, especially not delicious ethnic food. Noah talks to me about his team, their upcoming matches and the rivals that they fear the most. He asks how my art projects are coming along and says that he wants to see some of my works, since it’s been quite a while since I’ve shown him any. Not like I’m all that inspired lately, ever since we’ve stopped seeing each other as often, all I’ve been able to portray is my beautiful boyfriend. My professor is very enthusiastic about all my works, she’s extremely fond of one framework in particular: a portrait of Noah with his UCLA’s football uniform on, holding his helmet proudly in his hands, with messy hair and bright, blue eyes so expressive and detailed, that it’s as if they’re about to come out of the picture. Everyone’s always told me that the beauty within my portraits lies beneath the ability I have to see right through the soul of the person I’m representing. In my opinion that’s a tad bit exaggerated, though I can't help but feel flattered about it.

  "So, are you going to show me your latest piece?" he asks, for the thousandth time.

  "Come on Noah, you've never wanted to see any my works... why start doing that now?"

  After uttering that sentence, he seems hurt, at least that’s what transpires from the expression on his face, but I‘ll pretend not to have noticed anything.

  "Why are you saying that? You’re being unfair. I’ve always wanted to see your art!"

  "That's false actually, but it doesn't matter"

  "How can you say that?" He asks annoyed.

  "In six entire months you haven’t once shown any interest in any of my projects, Noah. You haven’t even seen one of the things I’ve drawn ever since we got here" I say exasperated. He seems to be becoming aware of that just now and it hurts me a lot, because it’s not all about his dreams, his ambitions, his matches and his parties. I exist too. I, with my works, desires and wishes. I want to keep fighting for us but at the same time, it just seems like a waste of energy and time. How could he not have realised any of this up until today?